On my DDay, almost four and a half years ago, my children were 8 and 11. After assessing who knew of Handsome’s behavior and what the possibilities were of the kids learning anything, I made the decision not to tell them about their dad’s infidelity and sex addiction. There was simply no reason for them to know.
Handsome was drinking often before DDay. While they never saw him drunk, they did see him drink daily. We did have some discussions with the kids when he stopped drinking about why he made that decision. We also talked to them about why he went to Sierra Tucson for 6 weeks for mood disorder treatment and what he hoped to accomplish after his inpatient stay.
Here we are these few years later and, while I still believe that not telling them about his infidelity/SA was what was right for them (given our particular circumstances) I now see some unintended consequences of that decision. Namely, all of Handsome’s prior bad behavior witnessed by the kids has a reason attached to it in their minds. Dad drank too much so of course he was miserable. Dad yelled a lot because he couldn’t regulate his emotions. Dad didn’t have the meds or the skills he needed to control his moods.
Those reasons are true. But…
The cherry-picking of what my kids know vs what they don’t know means that they have some context for his behavior whereas I now see that they have zero context for mine. During an argument, my now 15 year old daughter said “It’s like you woke up one day a few years ago and just decided to be mean.” 💔 I just wanted to hold her close and say “no, darling… one day your father tore my heart apart and irreparably changed me. He took my peace, my patience, my sense of humor, and my sense of self-worth. I’m still working on getting those things back and it’s hard and sometimes I still struggle. Sometimes I fail.”
That lack of context occasionally means that I get blamed for the consequences of my husband’s actions. One child expressed frustration recently that we don’t stay home for Thanksgiving (which would be a trigger for me). I was seen as the one making that decision and thus got the blame. Handsome had to step into that discussion to say “I ruined Thanksgiving at home for mom, so blame me and not her.” They assumed he meant that he ruined it with his drinking, so the explanation was accepted. That doesn’t work so well though for things like “why is mom so quick to anger” or “why does mom startle so easily?” How do we explain my CPTSD when they only know half the story?
Telling them now is unacceptable for the same reasons that were valid 4 years ago. I’m not going that route. They just don’t need to know. It is frustrating though that in my efforts to preserve their relationship with Handsome I seem to have unintentionally harmed my relationship with them in the process. Could we just blame everything on his drinking and call it a day? Sure. It just doesn’t explain everything.
Perhaps the problem is that I’m not the right person to address the issue. Maybe Handsome needs to step up more, like he did when the matter of Thanksgiving came up. That was incredibly helpful. I don’t mind being the “heavy” with my kids when it’s needed and appropriate, but I didn’t anticipate catching flak for things I can’t really control.
Oh how I struggle with this…still. And my children were all adults at the time and knew what Will had done. The kids still don’t understand the complexities of what Will’s betrayal did to me, how it changed me. It is a constant battle and it is exhausting. I get so very tired of being seen as “less than” when I was not the one who caused the issues. I feel your pain, my friend. 😢💕
How frustrating…. I can’t imagine if they knew and still cut me no slack. I keep telling myself that they’re just children (true) and not big on nuance (also true). I’m sure the ways I’ve changed are hard for them. As you know though, those changes are incredibly hard for us too. 💔 I hope you and Will are doing well.
Have you spoken to a child psychologist about this? My thougts are this. I totally understand your reluctance, but it see like this addiction is labelled as “worse” than perhaps drugs or alcohol? Maybe some brief education about addiction and how it affects our brains, so they don’t “blame” either him, or you. It seems harsh that they see you as the naggy, mean one. Not to throw Handsome under the bus, but to discuss how harmful any addictions are, and that none are any better or worse than others?
If it were my parents, I’d like the honesty, and that they felt the family were a circle of trust and admire my parents for working together through such difficulties.
I obviously am not you guys though. I kept the first affair that I knew of secret from the kids (mid and late teens then) until I signed the lease on a rental. Then I told them in a very age appropriate way, that Dad had broken his promises to me, and I was struggling with that broken trust and needed time to heal. That was almost a year after my first DDay
Very fair question and yes, I’ve run it by their therapists. They suggested being forthright about the mood disorder (and treatment for same at ST) and the alcohol, so we were. That said, given their ages, that we were staying together, and the kids had no exposure to Handsome’s SA activities, the advice was pretty much that it would be more detrimental than beneficial to share that information.
You make a great point though that no addictions are better or worse than others. Perhaps the solution is to begin to talk more broadly about addiction and mental health and how Handsome’s collective struggles have impacted me. That’s fair without over-sharing. It’s just a slight change in the dialog, but it might make a meaningful difference. I don’t want to be a mean mom. 💛
Well said, BA. You are not a mean mom. We all have stuff we are dealing with. Some much bigger than others. I like your thinking about changing up the dialogue. To let them gain some understanding of how any addiction impacts those who love them.
I relate to much of what you have shared here. Our children were young adults and I chose to tell them nothing for a whole host of reasons. I still think it was the right decision but they have no idea what I’ve been through and still go through. They think I can’t sleep because my husband snores when the reality is I have panic attacks most nights. There are no easy answers. We do what we believe is best for them even although it is incomplete information and we may be judged and misunderstood. But it is what it is. Having this community of women who are on the same path is a tremendous support. But I do feel for you blackacre ❤️
“We do what we believe is best for them even although it is incomplete information and we may be judged and misunderstood.” Exactly. It just frosts me a bit… the injustice of it. It’s one more way the partner gets blamed.
I can so relate to your sleep difficulties. Pre DDay I was a solid sleeper. Post DDay I was lucky to string together a solid 2 hour block for the better part of 3+ years. Now, if I’m lucky, I can get 4 and a half hours straight. Max. By nighttime I am completely wiped out just when my kids get their second wind. I try to join them but often just can’t. It’s incredibly hard to function on disturbed sleep. Just when they want me to be fun mom I can barely keep my eyes open. And yes, I still have the night terrors/ panic attacks too. Not as often as I used to, but occasionally. I suppose the silver lining there is that they are less frequent? Maybe things will continue to improve?
We can hope and work towards that, I think. ❤️
I’m with you 100%. It frosts me too. It’s not as if we want to live like this. This is not the spouse or parent we would have been if all this hadn’t happened … And no-one knows how difficult it is for us, or what we’ve lived through/ continue to live through.
Yes, there are improvements. The sleep is better than it used to be (but still bad) and the panic attacks are less intense. I live in hope that the side effects will continue to ease and wane as time goes on.
As you say, I guess we have to be thankful for small blessings 🙂 Have a great day!
You have a great day too DLH! It’s always great to hear from you. ☀️
Our son was 15 when D day happened. Mr P told him the truth as soon as he came home from school that day. And then we drove to my in-laws house and he told them too. He and I work for the same company and I told our boss. I also told H.R. I needed protection in case my job performance suffered as a result of the trauma. They asked if I wanted Mr. P fired. I told them no….that he and I were going to try and work things out, and firing him would only hurt me financially. The bottom line is, I was not keeping his secrets for him. And if he was embarrassed by people knowing the truth, too bad. You would say I took the ballistic route, but I have no regrets. He got through it, and I got through it, and we’re now 7 years out.
Hi Pam. With a high school age kid I would imagine the truth would be out quickly so you might as well get ahead of it. Better they hear it from you. At 8/11 it’s just a different calculus. It was less about keeping Handsome’s secret and more a question of do they really need to know? What good comes from telling them? The answers for us were “no” and “not much.” It certainly could have been a different decision though under even slightly different circumstances.
Cheers to your 7 years out! We’re working on 5 this year. Most days it seems like a lifetime ago…