Pre-COVID I had an assistant who was really young. Young enough to be my kid, and from a very limited background. Very naive. That said, she’s also the person who would close my office door if I burst into tears post-DDay or if I was too loud fighting with Handsome on the phone. I didn’t have to tell her what had happened. She knew.
When I ran into her in the office a few months ago, she told me she met a great guy. I was happy for her. Then I saw her again yesterday. Turns out, that “great guy” was married. She found out 3 months in, and broke it off immediately.
She relayed some of what he told her to justify his cheating. She didn’t buy any of it, but so many OW do. My husband said many (most?) of these same things to his affair partners too. None of this is original, yet every affair partner seems to fall for it.
– My wife and I don’t have sex. (variations include: (i) we hardly ever have sex, (ii) she doesn’t please me in bed, and (iii) she doesn’t turn me on anymore.)
– Our marriage died a long time ago. I just stay for the kids.
– My wife doesn’t understand me. We grew apart.
– She really let herself go. She doesn’t even try anymore.
– I have to stay for now because she’s sick/ unwell, and it would look bad if I left.
– My in-laws are awful.
– I only stay because of how much I’d lose in a divorce. It’s cheaper to keep her.
– We have an open marriage.
– She’s not my soul mate. You are.
– When I’m with her, I’m only thinking about you.
These are all so traditional and unoriginal, it’s depressing. Who buys this stuff? Affair partners buy it. Their married guy is different. He really isn’t getting any at home. He really is henpecked and under-appreciated. His wife really is frigid, and a bi**h too. He’s so awesome because he’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness so his kids can have an intact home. He’s a unicorn of cheaters because his home life really is awful and divorce is impossible. Right…
Here is the lesson that my young assistant grasped so easily: even if he is a unicorn and all of those things are true, he’s proven that he is immature and unworthy of your time and attention because he has utterly failed to act like a responsible adult. Cheating solves nothing. Ever. Addressing problems in a head- on way, even if potentially uncomfortable and/ or costly, evidences integrity and maturity.
It’s surprising that the OW falls for this stuff but, as you say, they do. I guess we all want to believe we are being told the truth even if we feel a bit uncertain. I’m glad your assistant had the integrity to end things once she had the full story. I always remember someone saying “If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you …” Isn’t that the truth!
My reply here is to a comment from Don’t Lose Hope which, for some WordPress weirdness, I cannot approve. (No matter how many times I click “approve” her thoughtful comment stays in “pending.”) DLH had written:
“It’s surprising that the OW falls for this stuff but, as you say, they do. I guess we all want to believe we are being told the truth even if we feel a bit uncertain. I’m glad your assistant had the integrity to end things once she had the full story. I always remember someone saying “If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you …” Isn’t that the truth!”
My reply:
My assistant is a rock star. She has pride and a strong sense of self- worth. She knows she deserves better. The women my husband cheated with were all broken or damaged in a variety of ways. Some by their upbringing, others by relationships, and others by society in general. He must have appeared like a major upgrade to them as gainfully employed with funds to burn (mostly my funds, but…). I think they were inclined to buy into whatever he told them. The “my wife is awful” story elicits a lot more sympathy than the truth of “there’s nothing wrong with my wife or marriage, but I’m a sex addict due to a load of childhood neglect.” I occasionally still wonder though if any of them ever realized that they were nothing more to him than masturbatory aids. Probably not. That would require a level of awareness that I doubt they possess.
Happy New Year to you DLH!
Yep. Roger told Trinket allof the above. But I met her, and told her the truth
She feigned shock and empathy.
And chose to carry on, believing him.
Your assistant is mighty, BA xxx
I’ve always thought that a typical reaction for someone in Trinket’s shoes being confronted in a reasonable manner by the betrayed partner would be a feeling of abject embarrassment. The kind of embarrassment you feel when you’ve strutted around like the cat’s ass all day only to realize you had your fly down the entire time. So, you zip up your pants and pathologically check that zipper for the next decade so it doesn’t happen again. Trinket didn’t react that way, clearly, instead making a bigger fool of herself by lying to you (the feigned shock and empathy) and then digging in with Rog. She lacked the minimal integrity to tell you her truth (that she was, indeed, taking your man). Rog has no moral compass, but his Trinket doesn’t either.
Thanks, BA. Agreed. I really thought she got it. Silly me!
If only all the affair partners were as wise as your young assistant…
Very true Gibberish!!!