Pre-COVID I had an assistant who was really young. Young enough to be my kid, and from a very limited background. Very naive. That said, she’s also the person who would close my office door if I burst into tears post-DDay or if I was too loud fighting with Handsome on the phone. I didn’t have to tell her what had happened. She knew.
When I ran into her in the office a few months ago, she told me she met a great guy. I was happy for her. Then I saw her again yesterday. Turns out, that “great guy” was married. She found out 3 months in, and broke it off immediately.
She relayed some of what he told her to justify his cheating. She didn’t buy any of it, but so many OW do. My husband said many (most?) of these same things to his affair partners too. None of this is original, yet every affair partner seems to fall for it.
– My wife and I don’t have sex. (variations include: (i) we hardly ever have sex, (ii) she doesn’t please me in bed, and (iii) she doesn’t turn me on anymore.)
– Our marriage died a long time ago. I just stay for the kids.
– My wife doesn’t understand me. We grew apart.
– She really let herself go. She doesn’t even try anymore.
– I have to stay for now because she’s sick/ unwell, and it would look bad if I left.
– My in-laws are awful.
– I only stay because of how much I’d lose in a divorce. It’s cheaper to keep her.
– We have an open marriage.
– She’s not my soul mate. You are.
– When I’m with her, I’m only thinking about you.
These are all so traditional and unoriginal, it’s depressing. Who buys this stuff? Affair partners buy it. Their married guy is different. He really isn’t getting any at home. He really is henpecked and under-appreciated. His wife really is frigid, and a bi**h too. He’s so awesome because he’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness so his kids can have an intact home. He’s a unicorn of cheaters because his home life really is awful and divorce is impossible. Right…
Here is the lesson that my young assistant grasped so easily: even if he is a unicorn and all of those things are true, he’s proven that he is immature and unworthy of your time and attention because he has utterly failed to act like a responsible adult. Cheating solves nothing. Ever. Addressing problems in a head- on way, even if potentially uncomfortable and/ or costly, evidences integrity and maturity.