This feels like a weird topic, but maybe it’s not. Perhaps we just don’t talk about death enough in polite society.
Q (from my best friend): Has the betrayal changed your estate planning?
A: * hurries to revise will and write out directions about last wishes
I had always assumed that Handsome and I would be buried together. That is, if we were to be buried at all. Cremation has long been my personal game plan.
Then DDays (plural) came and I realized that -like Beyoncé – my version of Heaven is a love without betrayal. Suddenly, spending eternity next to the source of my trauma seemed a lot less appealing. So, I told anyone I thought might survive me that I wanted to be cremated and scattered in the Atlantic Ocean.
Then, ever slowly, Handsome and I started to heal. Getting tossed in the ocean no longer seemed as appealing. Add on the pandemic, and figuring out my last wishes seemed more urgent somehow. One day, in a stack of mail at our summer house I received a postcard ad for a nearby cemetery. Not a shiny new place sandwiched between highways, but a lovely and historic cemetery close to the beach dating back to some of the earliest families to arrive in America, less than a mile down the road from our summer home. It turns out that they were opening a small section for the purchase of plots. It seemed so perfect.
Unfortunately, when I raised it with Handsome he was utterly nonplussed. I thought he might find some measure of reconnection in my renewed suggestion that we be buried together. Nah. If nothing else, I thought he might appreciate the practicality of simply not having to worry about this later on. Nope. He literally can’t tell me what STATE he would like his ashes scattered or buried in. No clue. Just… anywhere but the place that made my heart happy at the thought of being there forever.
What to do? I’m afraid if I leave it to Handsome I’ll end up somewhere I really don’t want to be. Or stuck on a shelf or in a closet.
Friends, I’m buying 4 plots in the cemetery. That’s enough room for me and 7 other cremated peeps. Maybe he’ll decide to join me. Maybe one or both of my kids will eventually want a spot. Or, worst case, I’ll be on my own with only the neighboring sea captains and Mayflower descendants for company. That’s okay too. Honest.
I know we think of self-care as being something we do for our health or well being in this life, but planning for my eternal rest seems equally beneficial. It’s one less worry for me. It’s not left up to chance or to Handsome’s questionable judgment. I hope like hell that I won’t have to make use of the plots for a long, long time. Whenever my time comes though, I’ll be at peace due to decisions I’m making now.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago and last week my closest work colleague suddenly lost her husband. He was 53 and it was utterly unexpected. I’m shaken by the loss but it reminds me that we aren’t guaranteed our tomorrows. Yes, I hope to live 40ish more years but, if I don’t, I want my loved ones to have no doubt about what I wanted. Could everyone ignore my wishes and do what they want anyway? Sure. You can’t control people from the grave, but I’m hopeful that my loved ones will honor my wishes even if they choose to do something different for themselves.
I think that’s really wise to think through what YOU want, and then go ahead and make the purchase now. It sounds like a beautiful location. And the chances are your kids will honour your wishes – which is actually the most important thing.
I think that no matter what my daughter will honor my wishes. That’s comforting. 🌸
I get this. In fact, my remains have been a family joke for some time. I want to be cremated and my kids joke that they would keep me in a garage somewhere…in case of an oil spill they would have me handy to absorb the mess. To be fair, that’s what they are used to…mom always absorbing the mess. 🤷🏻♀️
I know it’s a joke but it is still very telling about the role I play in my family’s lives.
I’m fairly sure that if it were up to Handsome I’d go on a shelf until the next wife threw me away “by accident.” 🤦🏼♀️ Why risk it? I want to go where I want to go. Bury my pets with me and I’ll be happy. I’m surprised it was an issue for him but I don’t want it to be an issue for me. I want a plan. We deserve better than a shelf or the garage. 🌷
Yes. Yes…you deserve so much more my friend. ❤️
That’s such a thoughtful thing…to secure your passage to the other side so that you may stay in comfort in a setting of your choice….👍👍
Thanks Gibberish. I’ve spent a lot of time looking out for others. I need to do this for me. ❤️
Then don’t let anything or anyone stop you from getting it for yourself 👍
I have been reading your blog for a long, long time and want to say that you are a warm, caring, smart, thoughtful person and while I know you have rebuilt your life I think all the time how tragic it is that you had to do that. So much time spent…gone…that could have been so different. He doesn’t deserve you. I had my heart shredded by a man whom I madly loved (but did not have the same amount of years with as you and your husband) and I “trained” myself to stop loving and then stop giving a shit about him. He had a similar story to your husband and I often thought I could heal him through my love, but guess what. A screaming NO. It was a long process, but I did it.
So apropos of this topic, I can share I have a 52 year old co-worker who “woke up dead” about 2 months ago. A hideous, extremely rare cancer that even if she survives it (she had life-altering surgery three weeks ago) her life will never be the same, and not in the “oh it will be great in other ways”. Just, no. So while neither you nor I are she today, we could be tomorrow. If this choice, this act makes you feel good in some way, or if it’s a form of peace you can gift yourself, good for you, and screw him. Just make sure your attorney who has your will and other directions knows what YOU want as a person separate from him.
I wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving and holiday season.
-one of your fans
Thank you for reaching out B. I’ve always known that life could be gone or altered quickly, but it feels like COVID multiplied that feeling for me tenfold. Any given day it could be anything… illness, random violence, car accident… anything. During the pandemic a 56 year old colleague died after falling off a small ladder at his house and hitting his head. You just never know. I’m hoping to live a long and wonderful life, but when it ends I know where I want to be.
Happy Thanksgiving to you too!