While I cannot believe that it’s July already, I am excited that means that my family’s annual summer sojourn to New England is just around the corner.
Handsome has a younger brother who, throughout the entire 20+ years I’ve known him, was in a long term relationship with a lovely woman my kids have known as “Aunt _____.” They never married but they were together as a couple during that entire time. In January, Aunt ____ was summarily replaced with a 23 year-old new girlfriend. (Handsome’s brother is 57.) It is reasonably clear that this relationship started as an affair. They were living together within days of the breakup with Aunt _____.
I’ve met the new GF. She’s what you’d expect from a young woman willing to date a recovering alcoholic who is older than her parents and whose last long term partner still had clothes in the closet when she moved in.
Handsome asked if I “minded” if his brother and the GF would stay with us on vacation. 🤔
Yes. Yes, I do mind. Very much so.
I worked incredibly hard to reclaim my happy place there from any acting out Handsome engaged in while in that house. While she isn’t an OW of mine, the GF is an OW of someone I still think of as family. I don’t need that gigantic trigger around me on my vacation. I also don’t want to normalize any of that for my kids.
I note that Handsome did not ask whether they could vacation in the same place at the same time. Evidently, they are planning to be there. (To be fair, I’m confident Handsome didn’t invite them or suggest that. I believe they planned their own trip.) The only question is whether they stay at our house so I’m compelled to see them 24/7. I think not.
Thoughts? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and not make waves? Old me would have done that, to be honest. I’d have chewed on that poop sandwich throughout the main vacation I look forward to all year just to avoid rocking the boat. New me would prefer to burn it all down and have a bourbon while watching the flames.
Nope. No way. I call it these days. I don’t slerp with dogs.
I don’t eat dinner with cheaters. I don’t play nice.
As you say, normalising snd accepting OW is not something I do anymore. I rock that boat, that I used to tiptoe around, trying to keep balanced. I’m ashamed I used to accept it.
I agree. Totally.
I’m not acting like it’s no big deal. I too am ashamed Id have done that before.
Just to clarify, I NEVER liked it. I always loathed cheaters. I just buttoned my lip. And that is like not intervening, or speaking up about rape, or other atrocities.
I understand. I never liked it either but prior to my own experience I vaguely recall finding cheaters distasteful but thinking them none of my business. Now I know better (and I want to do better). ❤️
Isn’t it terrible that we were enabling by our silence, BA? I am ashamed. As a rape survivor, I should have known better. But I was too busy people pleasing. Ugh. Terrible.
We are better. We will do much better going forward xxx
No, you are not being unreasonable. Why have that hanging over you on your vacation.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my own home.
NO!
Enjoy your time away:)
That’s exactly it Monica. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or distressed in my own home. I worked very, very hard to overcome that trigger. Having made it to the other side I don’t want to go back.
Thank you for the good vacation wishes! 🌞⛵️
Unacceptable after what you’ve been through. You’re right to want a stress free holiday. Burn it down 🔥 👌
I occasionally have to remind myself that “no” can be a complete sentence. I think Handsome understands my position on this, but we’ll see. I’ll stock up on matches just in case. 😉🔥
Ouch. Just….OUCH! What an incredibly painful experience. Big hugs of empathy, understanding, outrage and love heading your way. ❤️
Hugs are greatly appreciated! The more I think about it (and, of course, it’s just about all I can think about) it seems surreal. Why would anyone think I’d be cool with this after what I went through??? Oy.
❤️☹️
not unreasonable even if you hadn’t gone through hell and back – your vacation your rules. Period!
I totally agree SSA. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. ❤️
My guess is this would totally spoil the run up to the holiday and the holiday itself. After what you’ve been through, you have every right to say this arrangement isn’t acceptable to you, and you cannot holiday there under those circumstances. I also think you are right in protecting your children from this situation. You don’t want to normalize a relationship like this, and give it ‘the ok’ in their eyes.
Thanks DLH. I agree, of course. There may be more to write on this. I had the “this isn’t acceptable to me and isn’t something I want to deal with on vacation having worked so hard to reclaim that as a safe space” discussion. He seemed to understand. I learned though that he’s in touch with his brother working to arrange their trip. I confronted him and got “but he’s my brother…” and sad puppy eyes. Good grief. I thought we were well past this kind of stuff. 😞
And you are his wife … and he owes you more than he owes his brother ….
Yup. I’m done with the “pick me” dance.
No! No! No! We all have consequences for our choices and your happy place should not be ruined just to make someone else who has behaved badly happy. Stick to your guns, you’re right.
Ah… consequences. So inconvenient. 🙄
Love you. ❤️
Love you too ♥️