If you’re keeping track, my DDay #1 was in December of 2017. After multiple fits and starts Handsome did a full, therapeutic disclosure this past January, a hair over 3 years later. My presentation of my impact statement took place just a few weeks afterwards. (I had written it ages ago but it just sat in a file on my computer till he finally reached the point where he could hear, absorb, and appropriately respond to it.) The next, and last, “step” on the path towards healing that our CSAT uses calls for an emotional restitution letter to be prepared by the betraying partner in response to the impact statement. It’s an attempt at an emotional, empathetic amends.
I have a feeling that for many SAs, the exercise is painful but doable. It probably flows fairly naturally as a response to the impact statement. “I heard clearly how I hurt you and I take full responsibility and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you -and us/ heal.” Handsome isn’t typical though. I knew this would be a challenge for him.
First, my impact statement was long (16 single-spaced pages… I had a lot to say) and doing a deep dive would have him sitting in discomfort for quite a while. Handsome is better with discomfort now than he used to be, by far, but it’s still challenging for him.
Second, it would require him to take responsibility in a way he has struggled with in the past. Yes, ever since he did his intensive with Dr. Minwalla he has been clear that everything he did was about him and not me and he has been out of his addict-y deflection mode for a long time. There is, however, a difference between the type of responsibility one takes in doing a disclosure (“I brought Angel Baby to our house for two nights when you and the kids were out of town.”) and the way that gets addressed in the emotional restitution phase. In the latter, it’s more like: “I know that by having AB in our home I destroyed your sense of safety there and that no amount of paint or redecorating will undo that damage. I see how physically uncomfortable and triggering it is for you to be in our basement and I’m so sorry that I caused that…” etc. It’s the same deed addressed two very different ways.
If I’m really honest, I thought the concept of the letter would die on the vine. I didn’t expect Handsome to go through with it. Months passed. Our CSAT would occasionally bring it up, but I didn’t say peep about it. A few weeks ago I was told it was done and ready to be presented to me. We’ve been doing tele-health sessions since the pandemic started, but we did this one in person. I won’t tell you that it was brilliant, but he put more effort in than I thought he would. More importantly, it was very heartfelt and sincere. I have no doubt that he meant every word. I could not only feel that, but I could see it on his face and hear it in his voice. I haven’t felt that way about anything coming out of his mouth for a long, long time.
So, are we all good? We are still a work in progress, but actual progress has been made. Handsome still has a lot of work to do. I have more healing to do as well. I had an EMDR session last week to help me address a particular memory. I know it doesn’t work for everyone but I’ve found it works well to diminish my trauma response to certain things. (And I have some absolutely wild dreams for about a week afterwards.) As we move into this season which is generally fraught with triggers for me, I’m feeling good. While that feeling has been a long time coming, like the amends, it’s better late than never.
Love this update, and I am so happy you are in a better place. Without effort from you both, time would not have healed this. You should be very proud of yourself, healing and moving forward from this is no easy task xo
Hey SSA. You are very right. Time alone would never have healed this. There has been so much work, by both of us, to get to this point and we still have a ways to go. ❤️
I read your blog with the utmost respect. I know people hate the phrase ‘journey’ but that’s exactly what it is. Nobody knows where that road takes us but you and I, and others, understand we must go down it. Some stop, try and turn round and run back, you, my friend learn at every corner, and although you may not realise it you get stronger. I remember thinking ‘I don’t want to always be ‘the strong one’. But d’ya know what, I am, and I am blessed for that, as are you, and Kat and so many more. Huge hugs, keep going, for you. ❤️❤️
Hi Rosie! You know, I think I knew intuitively that I couldn’t go back – mostly because the history I thought I had was something of an illusion. I still have days where I feel sorry for myself and miss my pre DDay life, but I know that comes with its own baggage. Life is different now but better in many, many ways. (I’m not suggesting that my husband’s sex addiction was a good thing. I’m only saying that life with Handsome 2.0 is mostly really good and healthy. I hate what it took to get here.) I don’t think any of us aspired to be the strong one, but I know what I’m made of now and proud of it. Ever onward, right??
❤️
I relate to what you write here. Like you, I would say life my husband is better now in many, many ways. He is more genuine and caring, and generally puts me first. I actually he believe he is as honest and genuine as he can be now (although, inevitably, those doubts still creep in). But, like you, I hate what it took to get us there. Unfortunately, I will likely always deal with some stuff related to being married to someone who became a SA.
Oh DLH, that is a source of lingering sadness for me – that I will now “always deal with some stuff related to being married to someone who became a SA.” It seems infect (I feel like that’s the best word) so very much. Everything from contemplating retirement choices to travel plans and movie selections. On my pouty days I think about the wonderfully full life I had before DDay and how I really don’t have the bandwidth (mentally or time in my day) to deal with it. I’ve had to push a lot of that aside, having done as much as I reasonably can to protect myself and our kids, and leave it up to him to navigate most of the “stuff.”
Yes, it infects everything. We make amazing progress, and reach healthy levels of healing, but there isn’t a day when something doesn’t come up (things which wouldn’t have come up if he hadn’t gone down this road.)
So good to know you’re in a better place and making such valiant effort to move forward 👍🏻💓
Thanks Gibberish. Some days I feel more valiant than others, but there were days early on where it was nearly impossible to function. Compared to that, I’m flourishing. ❤️
It was worth being patient and not rushing the process 🙂 So glad to read this update!
I agree DLH. Should he have done a disclosure earlier? Yes, but it would have been a hot mess. Could I have nudged him along about the amends? Probably, but then it wouldn’t have been given freely and it wouldn’t have meant as much. ❤️
Same situation in our house in terms of his illness affecting many many decisions, and on many levels. I swear, and believe I said it a few times, I could have done the whole 12 step thing in a day. Of course I could. I’m not an addict. I didn’t hide, lie, and keep secrets from my spouse, and everyone else. I think I can understand, but of course we’ll never truly understand. I’m so glad he completed this process, for both of you. At BE’s yearly check up last week, the doc gave him an anxiety level test to fill out. After he completed it she said, wow, you have high anxiety. Um, yeah. Anxiety and ADD is what we’re dealing with now, and very limited availability of therapists in our area.
So many things have changed in our house, but most are positive changes. It’s nice to feel like I get the truth most of the time now, and if he decides to hide something, well, I’m definitely not knocked on my ass anymore! ❤️
Hi Kat. I’ve often thought similarly about 12 step. And this whole disclosure/impact/amends process? Same thing. I would have made it my mission to get that wrapped up. But my husband and I are different people with different sources of motivation and, like you, I’m not an addict. Add ADD to the mix and all bets are off. Forget about a timeline.
I believe that I generally get the truth now too. Still, at this stage my mindset is often described as “hope for the best, expect the worst.” It’s not a deliberate or conscious daily thought, but it lurks silently in the background. I actually don’t think it’s a totally bad thing. It serves to keep me safe in a way that my blind trust and faith in him did not. ❤️
First, I’m so glad you’re still together and seemingly doing better. That “Doing better” part can swing wildly from one point to another, but from the bird’s eye view, it seems to be mostly better. One thing I felt I needed to interject: I am Handsome- not literally, but I am the cheater in our relationship. Since being caught in 2016, our lives have been a roller coaster- ups and downs all the time. One thing I realize looking back, with hindsight being 20/20 of course, is I was a child in 2016.I thought like a child, acted like a child, and stayed like this for a long time. My story of rape is / could be different than Handsome’s, yes, but we probably share the same emotional maturity. No one does this for the kicks, there’s always a root reason.
My point being, it took a long time for me to get out of that bubble of thought- I had to in a way, mature over time (And I was chronologically 47 years old- a grown-ass-man!). Perhaps handsome needs this time as well. Make no mistake, Pam was on me every step of the way. Holding me accountable and making sure when she saw or heard me thinking like a child, she would remind me of what I was doing. It’s what helped steer me and guide me to where I am now. I wouldn’t want her to change a thing.
Be aware he needs to mature, but be aware he needs YOU to guide him and let him know when he’s off-kilter.
Hi Jim. You are quite correct. Handsome was a giant man-baby. He can still be from time to time on certain things, but if I see it I can generally point it out. Or, even better, the lightbulb will go on by itself. One epiphany he had not that long ago – he can be responsible for feeding himself. Sounds dumb, I know, but he seemed to rely/depend on me to coordinate his snacks/ meals and then pitch man-baby fits if he got hungry. One day I calmly said “Look, you’re 56 years old. Eat a granola bar or make a snack. You can open the refrigerator or even drive to a store or restaurant. Why am I the keeper of your meal schedule? Your aren’t 5.” (It wasn’t about making the food. Handsome does most of our cooking. It was about planning when we would eat.) He looked at me and thought about it and said “You’re completely right. Wow. I can’t believe I put that on you.” I nearly cried. When I write it out I know it sounds absurd, but that little epiphany alone has improved our whole family dynamic. My guess is the issue ties back to him being neglected as a kid. He was responsible for himself long before it was developmentally appropriate so as an adult he looked to me for what he missed from his mom. While I love parenting our kids I have no interest in parenting my partner. Fortunately, like you, Handsome is pretty open to this kind of guidance.