Handsome has been home from rehab now for over two months. The first month home was every bit as rough as my previous posts would indicate. His second month home also did not start off well.
Handsome had been living in a local AirBnB since his return from ST. I was fine with that. He was not. A few days before his stay there was due to run out (a stay which I fully expected him to extend), my son texted me at work and happily announced that Handsome was moving back into our house. You can imagine my response. He had apparently started unpacking in the master bedroom but he was clued-in enough by the time I got home that he had moved himself to our finished basement instead. We used to have a guest quarters there, but then he brought Angel Baby to our house and bedded her down there, so the bed went out with the trash. He was supposed to replace it. He never did. He was shocked to find that he would have to sleep on the floor. Oh well.
The initial days with him back in the house were like a battle of wills. The more he complained about being “banished” to the basement, the more resolute I was that (i) I was absolutely entitled to enforce my boundaries, and (ii) he’d remain in the basement till I decided otherwise. In those first days he tried everything to weasel his way back upstairs. Nope. Not happening. Apparently Doc2 told him to knock it off, and our CSAT ripped him a new asshole. It was hard for him to fuss at me when his hand-picked professionals were telling him he was in full jerk/ control freak mode.
Our in home separation was working, but strained. Under lock down conditions we were mostly managing to stay apart, but meals just weren’t working. The kids were confused, the pets were confused, and trying to stay separate seemed to cause more stress than it was worth so we resumed deliberate family meals. Smart move, it turns out, as the overall stress level in the house plummeted. The change was immediate.
Then, very slowly, as all the professionals kept working to bring out the positives from rehab and to set aside the gunk Handsome picked up, and as his meds really started to kick in, I started to see a better version of my husband. He went out and bought an air mattress without complaint. He delved into helping around the house and with the kids. I saw signs of humility. He started coming to the grocery store getting personally invested in our lock-down meal choices. (I know that may not sound like much but pre-rehab he would leave all of the shopping to me and then sigh about what I bought. We’d have a fully stocked pantry and fridge/ freezer overflowing with healthy options and he’d complain that there was nothing to eat. No more.)
He started initiating our “Intimacy of the Day” exchanges and spending time with me, when it worked for me, just hanging out. I was actually enjoying spending time with him because he seemed healthy and “normal” again. We had CSAT sessions where we could report that things were uneventful at worst and actually going pretty well. Holidays have been fraught for us in the past, but we pulled off a lovely Easter.
Handsome also decided that he wants to do an organized full disclosure. He tells me that there is nothing new to disclose. Nonetheless, he’s (still) on Step 4 at SA and he wants to complete that step and move forward. He also knows that I’ve always been ticked that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t get through the disclosure process before. The impromptu staggered disclosures and trickle truth were devastating while they were going on and, frankly, he’s never had to sit with me or anyone else that I know of and tell them ALL of his story in one dump. He eventually seems to disclose everything, but it has been parsed out in chunks to make it…more palatable? Less likely to cause rejection?
Handsome has been working on the disclosure now for several weeks. To me, the effort matters somewhat more than content. I don’t expect that I’ll ever know everything that went on. There are likely several things he intends to take to his grave. (Remember the mysterious tampon in the master bedroom that he claimed the cat put there? Yeah, I know how it got there whether it is ever spoken out loud or not.) I am also certain that there are things he did that he legitimately can’t remember at this point. (He did a LOT of stuff and his meds have obliterated his memory.) I know how hard it will be for him to pull this off to the satisfaction of our CSAT and Doc2 though, so that effort is meaningful to me even if I wish he had been willing and able to do it two years ago before time and mood adjusting meds took their toll.
One day earlier this month, Handsome asked me to go to a local nursery and pick out some trees. (As an agriculture-related business our nurseries remain open even during the lock down.) When he asked me what I wanted last year for Mother’s Day, I requested a few new trees for our yard. Despite repeated promises, I never got them. That added insult to injury because of his conduct on many Mother’s Days during his acting out. I was surprised when he asked me to go, but out we went and we picked out the cool Dragons eye pine (we call it the Dr. Seuss tree) in the picture above, as well as a flowering plum. To make room for them, Handsome spent hours and hours clearing two large trees in our yard that had succumbed to bore infestations two years ago. He probably could have/ should have hired someone or at least rented a stump grinder, but he put all the labor in himself to remove the old trees and stumps to make room for these new additions. I figured that they were for Mother’s Day this year. They aren’t. Handsome told me that he wants to start making amends to me and that he figured he’d start by making things right for last Mother’s Day. That was unexpected. And appreciated.
Things are getting better, slowly but surely. He is still sleeping in the basement, but the separation isn’t strained and seems to be working well. I’m not counting chickens, but I am enjoying this period of relative peace in the midst of the pandemic.
I love this update BW! Isn’t it eye opening to see them change to someone who thinks about others? YAY!
It is terrific! Hoping it sticks. 🤞🏻
What a beautiful tree! Finding a new normal in all this takes so much time and effort. It sounds like Handsome has turned a corner and you are seeing some of the behaviors you need from him. It’s so necessary for our sanity for them to get to a place where they are thinking of our needs. 🤗
I am actually finding this Shelter in Place situation to be good for us. We have figured out how to all work together. Everyone is communicating. BE has orchestrated his SA meetings, and his meditation sessions online and frankly just knowing where he is somehow gives me peace of mind. Our son and BE have been working together to make some meals, and our son has also been helping in the garden. At first I thought I would go nuts, but it’s all working and our yard has never looked better. We’ve got a while before our county loosens up the restrictions, so getting along is good! How are your kids handling the pandemic situation? xo
Hi Kat! We are making the most of the lock down. It isn’t a fun and peaceful time for us – Handsome and I are still working full throttle with the added angst of his potential exposure at work – but we’re all trying hard to cope. Our kids just learned that their summer camp is cancelled this year. It would have been the camp’s 99th consecutive year of operation, but they just can’t make it work with current social distancing and quarantine requirements. While understandable, it’s a loss of a tradition that’s going to be tough to cope with. At least with home-schooling they have something to occupy them. I have no idea how to work full time when they’re idle. 😬😩 We’ll figure it out.
I’m glad to hear that you are all well and thriving! ❤️
Our business is adequately done electronically. No travel does cut in to how BE normally does things. He’s putting in his regular 10-12 hour day. I’m working part time and spend the rest of my day reading, walking, and gardening. I don’t go out except to drive with BE to pick up our veggies, but I don’t get out of the car. Very little exposure for me and a great deal of isolation. I can only imagine how challenging this is for school age children. That is sad about the summer camp. Traditions are important. Plus, I remember how nice it was when my kids went to sleep away camp. They loved it and we loved it! Hopefully they will continue schooling through the summer. Is going to work really stressful for Handsome? 🤗
Handsome going out to work was really stressful at first, but he has a routine when he gets home to try to decontaminate himself. Boots off in the garage, uniform off and into the washer on hot, wash hands and bleach wipe anything touched on the way in. It doesn’t keep him from getting exposed at work, but it feels like he’s doing something rather than nothing to keep from bringing it home.
I think summer is going to be tough. Our kids have been e-learning since very early on (they literally didn’t miss a day of school in switching from regular classes to online classes), so they wrap up the year the first Friday in June. We’ll try to fill their time with trips to our tennis and swim club (they have an incredibly conservative COVID plan), and then head to our summer home for the remainder of Summer. We have a pool there and the beaches are open with distancing in place. It won’t be a normal kind of kid summer by any means, but we’ll try to cobble something together. I’m working crazy hours now in the hopes that I can take long weekends or work shorter days a few days a week while they are off. They are doing well being isolated, but I fear it’s almost too good, if that makes sense. I almost wish that they were on FaceTime or texting more with their friends, but I’m told a lot of kids have just kind of withdrawn. It’s sad. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that school can resume here in the Fall.
xo
I have a lot of nieces and nephews ranging in age from 1 to 19 and many of them are struggling right now. They want to be with their friends and they want things to be normal again. Don’t we all. My sister with the 1 year old was quarantined by herself for four weeks because they couldn’t get her fever below 101. That was tough on her little family.
Your summer sounds nice. Things aren’t loosening up for us out here any time soon. We’ll probably go to the beach house some, but we’ve planted a vegetable garden that will need attention as well. Plus my birthday present… a dahlia garden. I’m going to want to be picking those flowers! No pools on the Oregon Coast. It’s not practical. We get a very nice summer here in Portland, low humidity, but even here pools are not common. It’s one of the things BE misses from his childhood in LA. No travel means no pool time for us. 🙁
Glad Handsome has a routine that gives everyone a little piece of mind. I hope your summer is fun and easy, or at least as much so as possible under the circumstances. ❤️
I’m so glad to hear there’s been a shift, BA. It feels really good when it happens, eh? I’ve seen and felt it here, too. Happy for you.
Shelter-in-place has been really good for us, too. We have a routine, but lack of pressure, so we can go with the flow, so to speak, and that’s good. My husband is also putting in the Lion’s Share toward our relationship for the past few months and that’s a really good thing, b/c I did that for so long …25+years…
So glad to hear your husband has a routine coming into the home to try to keep the virus out. Weird and frightening times. That right there is a scary thought for me, b/c I know what I’d be dealing with if hub still worked in an ER. STRESS!!! To the max. I’m grateful.
I feel for all of the kids, and really, all of us. We aren’t living normal, socially, as humans. We can deal with it, sure. But it’s hard, and I “get” kids” – I worked with so many different young people for almost 25 years. They need socialization and interaction with age-mates. So do we, but they don’t have the coping skills we have. One thing I do know is that young people are resilient!
Take care. <3
Humans can be very resilient… especially the youngest of us. I’m sure my kids will bounce back, but I feel like it may take longer than expected. There is a nervousness or anxiety about mingling and socializing. My kids are fairly social, but they seem overly happy to be solitary during this crisis. That won’t undo itself in a week or two, but their anxiety will hopefully lessen over time.
I hope you and your family are safe and well! ❤️
Young people really need age-mates. I get it. It’s hard. They will be okay, though. I’ve seen so many young people grow and thrive after complete devastation in their lives. And —- I’m not a mother. I have a different perspective as I taught for ~ 25 years. My career in a Montessori school helped me see the big picture as I worked with the same kids as they grew up.
You’re a strong woman. And a wise one. It looks like enforcing your boundaries is paying off for both of you. I hope things continue to be manageable – and maybe even improve 🙂
Thanks DLH. That makes two of us. 🤞🏻
Yep! You’re an inspiration 🙂