(Missed Part 1 of this series? You can find it here. Part 2 is here.) Handsome’s last week at ST sounds like it was equal parts beneficial and stressful. He remained fully booked throughout the week and had a few sessions he was particularly moved by, including one with a trauma specialist where he reported that things finally just “clicked.” That seemed to set the stage for a lot of therapeutic progress.
At the same time, he was stressed to see many of his new friends depart from both his lodge and his process group and new folks arrive. The shifts in various group dynamics were disconcerting to him. He got a new room mate. His closest friend there left for home. Handsome also had to deal with the reality of what was awaiting him at home. Not only had he scorched a lot of earth here before he left, but I had been crystal clear that he was not coming back into our house. I insisted that he go to an AirBnB or a hotel and that he transition back into both work and home. His therapists at both ST and at home supported this. Throughout his stay Handsome continually tried to manipulate or negotiate his way back home, but I held firm. I wasn’t barring him from seeing our kids or anything like that, and he was welcome at the house whenever he wanted to be there, but he needed to be sleeping elsewhere.
I was reasonably confident that transitioning back to work wouldn’t be an issue for Handsome. He loves his job and he healed pretty completely from his surgeries and injury. Transitioning home, however, was going to be tougher. I wanted to see him have consistently positive interactions with me and with our kids. I wanted to see him put the skills that he allegedly learned at ST to work. This is where the wheels fell off the bus pretty much from the moment I picked him up at the airport.
Handsome requested steak for dinner the night he returned. I didn’t want to buy it too far ahead and the day or two right before he came home was full of sports practices, doctors appointments, and my job, so I stopped at the grocery store on our way home from the airport. He was really, incredibly put out by that. Absurdly so. He didn’t yell or complain. He just steamed about it. There was no “I’m so happy to see my wife after 5 weeks away” or “I’m glad they’re willing to eat with me” or anything like that. He was ticked that I hadn’t shopped in advance of his arrival. To be clear, he was coming home from rehab, not from conquering ISIS or curing cancer.
The guy who came home is better, in some significant ways, than the guy who left 5 weeks earlier, but worse in others. He does seem to have learned how to manage his anger. That’s huge. He is more insightful into his moods and he can admit when he is disregulated. Again, for him, those are major improvements. BUT…(and this is a big one)… the guy who came home had (at least initially) seemingly lost a ton of empathy for me. He re-framed himself from sex addict to trauma survivor. He decided that 12-step was just too negative and had lost some respect for the program. He seemed to have lost some respect for his therapist and our CSAT. And those were the obvious changes. There was one other major change that didn’t become apparent right away.
Those initial obvious changes were incredibly anxiety inducing and stressful for me. It’s hard to be supportive when you’re actively being diminished or discounted. Still, as he got a few sessions with Doc 2 under his belt and a few sessions with our CSAT where she got fierce with him, he started to soften. The chip seemed to fall off his shoulder as days passed. He recognized that all of the individual work that he did at ST was terrific for him, but there was little emphasis on working those concepts into a relationship. It wasn’t really ST’s job to teach him how to fix the damage he caused to his family before he left, but the messaging he received (or at least the messaging as he received it) led him to believe he should ignore it and start fresh. Great for him. Less so for everyone else.
Flipping the switch to focus beyond himself was incredibly hard for Handsome. Of course it was, right? In rehab he hadn’t betrayed anyone. He hadn’t instilled anxiety in anyone. Everyone focused on him and supported him. Within a week of his arrival home, Handsome had a night where he had an appointment with Doc 2 and then he planned to go to an SA meeting. Normally, he’ll call me to chit chat while he’s driving between two places like that. My phone didn’t ring. I can’t explain why, but I just had a really, really bad feeling. For the first time in almost a year I tracked his phone and saw that he was at a bar. Shortly later, he moved on to a second bar. I didn’t call him. I didn’t text him. I wanted to see if he would reach out to me. He didn’t.
The following morning he stopped by the house and I asked him how the SA meeting was. He stood in our kitchen, looked me in the eye, and told me it was great. I asked him if any of his buddies were there and he told me it wasn’t all that crowded. I thought my heart might literally break open in my chest. I asked him how they managed to find the meeting since it had moved to Bar ____. He had no response. Then he didn’t speak to me for the better part of 4 days. He flat out refused to discuss it.
As this was transpiring, so was something else. Handsome was a part of a group chat of his ST friends. Apparently, whatever addiction issues these folks had transferred over to texting because his phone was pinging constantly whenever I saw him. Handsome is not supposed to text any woman other than me except for work or child care. He knows this. Yet he started texting with a woman from his ST process group and then presented it to me as “she is so helpful to me, you don’t mind, right?” Uh, yeah. I do. And I wasn’t really asked. I was told when it was already going on. That’s a point I made to our therapist. I’m not an unreasonable ass. This woman is both older and a lesbian in a very long term relationship. She was his bestie at ST. If she can be of help to him, and if he isn’t communicating with her to the exclusion of me, I might be open to it. But he never gave me the courtesy of asking. He just broke the boundary and figured I’d get over it.
A week later in therapy I pointed out that he’d still never bothered to have a discussion with me about it. I felt like all of Handsome’s energy was flowing out of our family and into this clique of ST folks. (Not to this one older woman, but rather to the group chat 15+ ST folks had going.) Handsome strenuously denied this, but he couldn’t deny the hundreds of text messages exchanged with them or the fact that he wasn’t in touch with his sponsor, any SA buddies, or even his best friend. In addition, he wasn’t communicating with me about anything other than logistical parent stuff. His whole world revolved around this group. He wasn’t showing any interest in relational healing. Well, that’s not quite accurate. He expressed feeling very sad and lonely and unloved. He said he wanted a good and loving relationship. I didn’t even have to respond to that because the CSAT jumped in and said, “But you haven’t done anything in furtherance of that. You caused a ton of damage but you’ve done nothing to repair it. You have to do more than just show up here and sit on my couch. Do you want this marriage or do you want a divorce? Make up your mind.” It was a heartbreaking end to the session, but very necessary. He insisted that he wants the marriage, but the next week would call that into question.
Oh BW, I am am so sorry to see how this has unfolded. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but emotionally and physically betrayed (again) comes into mind.
How are you managing? Big hugs xo
I’m doing okay. Writing a few weeks after the fact, so things are a bit different in the current moment. I don’t believe that Handsome’s experience is all that unusual though, so I still want to capture it here. 🙂
This is so heartbreaking. You are in my prayers, friend. 💔
Thanks. It was heartbreaking for sure. Especially since I had high hopes for him coming out of the rehab.
Addicts are selfish and it seems like they can be very selfish in their recovery too. All about them. It hurts us deeply. I know that hurt. I’m sorry.
Therapy that doesn’t transfer to the real world and real relationships frustrates the crap out of me (that’s just me talking). It reminds me of all of the compartmentalization from the past (again – just my opinion). I know they have to work on their trauma, but in the mean-time, they have LIFE going on outside the therapy room or the groups. And they are fortunate if they have a wife/partner/family who loves them and is willing to give them a chance.
I’m glad the therapist confronted him about marriage/divorce. Wake up call. Only they can decide whether they can/will put the time into self-work and relational work/repairs concurrently b/c wives don’t wait around forever, although it does take time, for sure. And only we can decide whether we can accept the time-line of their progress of lack of progress.
Many hugs coming your way.
I very much agree. Perhaps for a single person it might be more successful, but for an addict who needs to come back into a relationship and family structure excessive emphasis on self seems counter productive. My husband’s issue was never that he didn’t engage in enough self care. It was that his chosen methods of self-care were warped and actually self destructive. I would have to guess the disconnect between that emphasis in rehab vs how they need to actually adult in real life is a contributing factor to an awful lot of relapses.
My husband’s confusion over why what he learned in rehab wasn’t magically working for him at home was almost palpable. (“I’m so much better. Why don’t they see that and why aren’t they giving me all the kudos I deserve?”) When his family didn’t react the same way his ST clique did – when we didn’t blow smoke up his ass – he spiraled. I had anticipated some of that, but not to the extent we actually experienced it.
I appreciate the hugs ❤️
More hugs.
Yep, yep, yep. “Adulting” in real life. Often, these guys (and other addicts) are waaaaay coddled. Hence, relapse and the poor statistics after any addiction treatment (alcohol, heroin, etc.) They tell them they WILL relapse. Permission, much? Many, many may, but what what if some won’t, yet they are told they will, so they have permission to be weak one day and cheat again, placing the wife and family in danger? I shake my head with the field.
It sounds like your CSAT gets it! Awesome!
I know treatment for SA has improved over the years, thanks to Minwalla and APSATS leaders (no thanks to narcissist Carnes), but it has a long way to go. His daughter seems to get it more? Or maybe she pretends for money? Who knows? I also get it that your husband wasn’t at a “SA only” facility, so that is different, for sure.
I know you know this, but I’m just saying this out loud… it’s not our job (or kids’ jobs) to give them kudos for not lying/betraying and working their recovery. (And your husband lied to your face about his SA group / whereabouts. OMG! I’m so sorry!)
The programs often set up the addict for external praise and reinforcement, vs. internal motivation and self-esteem. (Again – not OUR job!) It isn’t optimal in education, either, but our system works that way. Sigh.
Today, my husband told me when he finally surrendered to recovery, he started making great strides. I agree. There is no perfect and I’m not dumb. I have gotten legal advice, and he knows it. I can see his surrender, and I would hope that for any addict or compulsive person, so they let go and allow for healing and help.
Hugs.
I’m not a therapist, but I have to think that for someone with deep childhood-based attachment wounds, sitting in a room being told how great you are for 5 weeks – even as you discuss the awful things you’ve done and experienced – has to be intoxicating. That’s what you’re geared to seek… approval… and the hits are constant. An ST friend of Handsome’s said after his discharge “I feel like I spent a month at Disney Land and I can home to war time Beirut.” It has to be brutal for the patient, but it’s no picnic for the family either.
xo
Wow, this sounds so frustrating and stressful. Were there other SAs in his group? Or just other addicts? Hopefully what he did learn about himself will eventually be helpful in his continuing journey to be a viable partner to you. I don’t know how they don’t get it, but they do seem to have serious trouble with grasping that healthy self care and functional relationships aren’t mutually exclusive. I’ve said so many times to BE that this isn’t really about me. That if he can’t seem to make it work with someone who has known and loved him for 35+ years, good luck having a healthy relationship with anyone. Sometimes I think they just don’t want to work that hard. They’ve rationalized their own needs/wants over others for a long time. xoxo
Hi Kat. Handsome’s group was mostly people in the mood disorder program. Almost all had dealt with various addictions, but they weren’t all drugs and alcohol. There were gambling, food, and exercise addicts as well. And one had no acknowledged addictions but was there to address anger/ rage that cost her a C-suite job. It was a mix. The point of our transition period was also for Handsome to learn how to integrate whatever self-care he wanted to do into his home life. (He had a list of about 7 or 8 different types of self-care things he wanted to do.) Unfortunately, he didn’t manage to do much of any of that during his first weeks home, and it showed. The mayhem has died down somewhat and he’s gotten a few things added to his routine… just in time for the world to shut down. At least the current crisis has basically forced him to think of others in addition to himself. That has been a bit of an odd, unintentional blessing in our household.
xo
Yeah, sometimes a deflection can be a good thing. It sounds like he is living at home now. I hope there is some constructive family bonding time going on. It’s difficult being cooped up and still trying to get things done, especially with school age kids. Is handsome working? Maybe his job is deemed essential? Our company has always been a lot about telecommuting, so no work stoppage, but we are at the beach house (since no in-person meetings), so it’s broken up with really great beach walks. Our dogs are getting really spoiled. Slow and steady wins the race. ❤️
He is back at home now. After a week of adjustment it’s been pretty good. His job is definitely essential so he has been at work quite a bit. It keeps him busy but also exposes him to the public more than I’d prefer. I’ve considered taking our kids and my mom to our summer home, but that means taking my mom away from her doctors. While she’s fine now, if that were to change I’d hate to be a 10 hour car ride from home.
xo
So… he came home and starts skipping his meetings. Doesn’t contact his sponsor. Talk about denial of reality, he was in rehab for a reason. Duck!
Yep. Serious denial. At present, things have improved, but I’m writing about the awful re-entry because I think his experience is not uncommon. Sad, but true.
My heart dropped as I read about the bar, and then the failure to tell you he had visited those bars etc etc. Awful. Absolutely awful. And the part about texting another woman (lesbian or not) and not discussing it with you first, or asking how you felt about it ….It just goes from bad to worse.
He sounds like he’s completely centred on himself and loves having other people focus on him. Does he want the marriage (maybe because it’s less hassle and more comfortable than going through a divorce) or does he genuinely want to have a meaningful relationship with you? That is, you the person he fell in love with at some point in the past?
I don’t see much here to indicate your needs and feelings matter to him. I’m so sorry blackacre. This is painful stuff.
Thanks DLH. (Sorry… your comment got dumped into spam so I’m just finding it…) Addicts are notoriously self-centered and Handsome was no exception. When he returned from inpatient though, his self-absorption was through the roof. I’m not sure how to explain it other than to say it would have been comical if it wasn’t real life.
I have talked a lot with both Handsome and our CSAT about whether he wants the perks of this marriage (kids, houses, money) but not a meaningful relationship with me. I agree that it can seem that is the case. I believe though that Handsome doesn’t feel worthy of any of those perks – or my love. In his core he believes himself unlovable and unworthy, and he believes those perks – and possibly me – are likely fleeting. Those are some of the core issues that rehab was intended to address. The way they do that – tearing down and then rebuilding the patient – has such an extra, over the top focus on self that the returning patient struggles to fit in with other people. One of his clinic buddies described it by saying that he spent a month at Disney World and went home to Iraq.
In those weeks right after he returned home my feelings didn’t matter. Or, more precisely, if they mattered at all it was a distant second to his self-importance. It took, very literally, over a month of working with his therapist to keep the good things he learned in rehab and bolster those lessons while re-learning empathy and basic consideration and other Relationship 101 things that got drowned out at ST. Those were painful weeks indeed.
xo
Sorry I’m just seeing this, I’ve been behind the last week. I know this all sucks/sucked, but it sounds very typical. I didn’t have as giant a friend group and my bestie was a 70-year-old grandmother type who my wife talked to on the phone once. I stopped talking to her eventually but kind of feel bad for that. Anyway, the whole rehab thing is a mindfuck. It’s reprogramming and brainwashing and that’s not a bad thing when your programming and mind is broken, but it’s all very self centered. I think a single person could be their fully realized “new” self after rehab, but then again, most of us would never have gone without loved ones leaning on us. Looking forward to the next entry.
My delay here on the response. I agree with you. From what I saw, if Handsome was single he’d have had a much easier re-entry. When you’re in a marriage or other relationship, however, all that focus on “self” can make you seem like a real jerk when you get home. Self-awareness is great, but you have to be able to make it work in the context of a relationship.
You’re right…and they don’t teach that.