I met with Handsome’s new doc for the first time last week. It was not, to be honest, quite the calamity I expected. Handsome was mostly controlled and, for him, almost unusually reserved. I didn’t see any resentment till we were in the car on the way home, and only a very small dose.
I’m a person who never turned down a good visual aid, so I showed up with one. I prepared a “trauma timeline” covering the bigger traumas caused by my husband in the last two years. Think DDays, discoveries (lies uncovered), vacations ruined, waitress-gate, and the like. To each of the 16 traumas on the timeline, I attached a small image: a plain dot for a smaller trauma (but one still big enough to make the list), a small explosion for a slightly bigger trauma, and a red bomb for the biggies. Of note, there were three red bombs on the timeline since June. I asked Doc 2 how I could be expected to heal or stay in the marriage when the traumas are unrelenting. My simple comment was that Handsome needs to stop hurting me.
We talked about Handsome’s struggles with integrity. We talked about his anger. Doc 2 did, at one point, start talking about how wonderful it is that Handsome is throwing himself into this recovery process and how committed he is to his sobriety and… I just kind of sat there. It’s not that I disagree necessarily, but I’m ambivalent at best. Doc 2 seemed befuddled that I didn’t jump for joy so he went on about how Handsome is so forthcoming about what he did and how he is so willing to share all of that with me. Again, he looked to me seemingly for some kind of validation and I said “Well, Handsome has always been willing to tell me things about what he did, it’s just that 90% of the time those things were untrue or grossly minimized. As far as his sobriety, I’m sure that being sober from one’s addictions is very hard. I’m sure it’s a challenge every day. That said, while I appreciate the point you are making about my husband’s sobriety I’m not going to get excited over him not sleeping with other women and having emotional affairs for two years. I never agreed to anything less from him. If all I get out of this is a sexually sober husband, but I still have to put up with all this other BS, that’s not enough for me.”
I realized after I left that the last part is really the essence of my current state of mind. I’m glad he’s sober (beats the alternative) and I’m sure it’s not easy (really, while I can’t say that I understand it I do believe that it must be hard for him), but there simply has to be more for me. More empathy, more kindness, more thoughtfulness, more patience, more honesty, more connection, and more love. That is where I think Handsome has struggled most. It’s as if it takes all he has to stay sober and do his recovery work and so there’s no “more” left for me. (To be fair, he often has little left in the tank for his own needs, which may also be part of the problem.)
Doc 2 intends to increase his sessions with Handsome to twice a week while Handsome is off on medical leave. I think that’s a great idea. He says he has a plan for what he wants to focus on. Fabulous. I’m supposed to go back in 5 weeks to assess any progress from my perspective. Fine. I just hope it all helps.
We did have a lovely road trip. Handsome and my kids had never been to Niagara Falls, so we jumped in the car and did an overnight stay. It was the birthday present I asked for. Grand gestures are not in my husband’s wheelhouse so, although we celebrated his 50th on the Rhine somewhere around Amsterdam, I was unlikely to get anything like that or a theater weekend in New York or a stay in some lovely spa somewhere. I asked for what I thought he could possibly pull off. He had booked a beautiful room overlooking the Falls and bought tickets for different activities and he even helped pack. Aside from some brooding and snark from my soon to be 13-year old daughter (where did my sweet girl go????), it was two great days of fun. We had adventures and some misadventures but I’m glad we did it and I’m glad it was wonderful.
That line between sobriety and recovery is not thin…it’s huge! Only now, after four plus years of sobriety, am I seeing some actual recovery with Will. It is such a long, arduous, painful, road. Hang in there my friend and keep asking for what you want and need. ❤️
It’s more like a chasm than a line, isn’t it? Sobriety is great and fundamental, but it’s clearly just the start.
This might make little sense, but I do see progress; it’s just that the progress I see seems to be just to get him back to a place that I always thought he was at in the first instance. For example, it’s great that he’s trying to improve his intimacy skills by being more open with me. Pre DDay, however, I never suspected that he wasn’t sharing with me. He seemed quite open and communicative. We’re fixing problems that I never knew existed because they weren’t a part of my reality. Couple that with efforts to treat the longer term issues that I was aware of, and there’s a lot going on. Handsome 2.0 is still very much a work in progress.
I completely understand! I feel that now, after over four years, Will is starting to become the man that I thought he always was! It sounds crazy to anyone who isn’t on this path.😳
Yes! That’s it exactly. And it definitely sounds crazy but it’s precisely how it seems to me at the moment. 🤷🏼♀️
You not only need more, you deserve more than him just not fucking and/or having intimate moments with any other woman. Him not doing those things is the BARE minimum of what you are entitled to, the thoughtfulness, patience, honesty, connection, and love are required to maintain any fulfilling relationship.
The teenager…ya…I have gone through that once with my now 21 year old, and am going through it again with my 15 year old (although she is MUCH easier!). All of those things listed above are required in a fulfilling mother/daughter relationship too 😉 you had it once and will have it again from her, just not so much right now <3
Intellectually, Handsome knows this. It’s just putting it into action in his daily living that is challenging. He has 54 years of not so healthy/ unhealthy relating in his past and we’re coming up on year #2 of healthier efforts. It’s challenging to change and easy to fall back on old relational styles. I just don’t have 54 more years to wait. (lol)
If my daughter and I survive teen-dom, it will all be smooth sailing. I knew this was coming but I didn’t see it coming so soon and so very intensely… lesson learned.
xo
Do you feel your husband really gets what it is like for you, first of all to have learned all this, and then to be living on a daily basis with betrayal trauma, constant unexpected triggers, and a huge amount of fear?
Hi DLH. I do think he gets it better than most. His intensive with Dr. Minwalla was instrumental in giving him a solid foundation for that understanding. He has also gotten better at listening and I’ve probably gotten better at explaining the impact on me. I see though that it is one thing to intellectually understand something and quite another to change one’s way of life. (A good parallel I heard recently is that everyone who wants to lose weight knows that diet and exercise are the main proven and lasting ways to do so, yet few folks actually go that route. Our intellectual understanding is not always matched to our actions.)
While I do deal with betrayal trauma I can honestly say that I don’t deal with constant triggers or fear. I could, given the time, articulate most of my triggers. I generally know what they are and I’m okay dealing with them. Very occasionally something will catch me off guard, but it’s a once every 3-4 months kind of thing. And although I know Handsome could act out at any time – or be acting out right now for that matter – I don’t fear it. I did at the beginning, but then I took the steps to protect myself emotionally, physically, and otherwise. If I was still fearful this far out I think I’d be compelled to leave.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ve walked into your story late in the day so only know bits and pieces related to the past. It’s good that Handsome’s done so much work and is genuinely committed to the journey! I like your analogy. Very easy to relate to.
It’s good that the triggers are relatively infrequent. That gives me hope too 🙂 Like you, I would leave if I was genuinely afraid – which is different from sometimes feeling fearful because there was a history there. Thanks for everything you share here 🙂
At least for me most of the triggers grew manageable over time. Certain places, subjects, names… I think I just grew desensitized as months passed. I can still get caught off guard (my husband saying one of his APs names out of the blue, TV reports about massage parlors, some tv show plots or dialogue) but those things are infrequent now. It can/ does get better. ❤️
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….SNORT. I love your approach with the therapist. “Doc 2 seemed befuddled that I didn’t jump for joy.” I also enjoyed “I’m not going to get excited over him not sleeping with other women.” Yeah, like he should get a medal or something. This is the bare minimum he signed up for when he took wedding vows. You don’t get a cookie for doing what you’re supposed to do. These therapists truly are clueless, aren’t they? I’m leaning toward most of them being narcissists and addicts themselves so of course, they don’t get it either.
Glad I made you chuckle. 😁
It’s why I don’t ask or cheer over the sobriety milestones he hits. I could be sarcastic about it (“Oh, they gave you a coin for not cheating on me?”) but I mostly just ignore it. Here, in this forum, I might note it, but mostly just for benchmarking time. I’m not “celebrating” him for doing what he vowed to do in the first place.
For as introverted as he professes to be, my husband is quite good at image management. I believe Doc 2 is good, but he needed a reality check. He missed out on all the lies and staggered disclosures and all the crossed boundaries that Doc 1 saw (and had no idea how to address). Handsome may be doing very well compared to many of the other addicts he treats. I can’t argue with that. I’m not living with those other guys though and I expect more from my husband. I needed him to hear that, clearly and directly, from me.
I hope all is well with you and Mr. P.
Xo
We’re actually doing really well. I haven’t blogged much because I just got back from a nine week stint in Germany for my job. I was training on some new IT stuff. It was tough being away from Mr. P for that period of time but we made it. Tomorrow Mr. P leaves for Germany for 10 days also for training, but for different stuff. We work for the same company.
I’m really glad to hear that. I can imagine that 9 weeks away is hard. I struggled with three weeks away this past Summer. It takes a lot of trust. Hopefully the reunions are fabulous though!
xo
I am catching up with my followed blogs and it’s interesting that I have just read a post from living through infidelity where she too says that although she is ‘happy’ what she is getting from the relationship is not enough. Although your experience is different it is the same in that when infidelity happens what you had was not what you thought, and what you have needs to be new, and special, and safe. I too loved the part where you told the therapist that you were not going to applaud what are behaviours that are ‘just expected’, I loved your reaction and that you stood your ground. 👏👏👏 Three bombs since June! My friend you are right. ❤️