I don’t normally post here in real time. I generally take a day or two to draft, revise, and re-think. Not today.
I am scheduled to meet Handsome’s new therapist tonight. Unlike Doc #1, this gentleman is a CSAT and specializes in treatment of sex addicts. (He adheres to the trauma model as far as spouses are concerned, not codependency.) I’m anxious for this meeting as I feel as though Handsome spun his wheels with the last doc. I’m not intending to walk in there and dump all over Handsome, but I am intending to be honest. That means some of it is going to be tough for Handsome to hear.
Even though I’ve been looking forward to this opportunity, I’m nervous to have this appointment as well. Scratch that. I’m start-popping-Ativan-level freaked out. Why? In no particular order:
– On some deep, dark level, I want this guy to fix my husband. I know and fully understand that he can’t. (I get it. I really do. It’s just…)
– Talking about Handsome in a frank but honest way can still elicit a good bit of resentment and anger. If there was a fairly immediate follow up appointment between Handsome and the doc to address any of those emotions that arise, I’d feel better. There isn’t. Seems like wildly poor planning to me.
– My family is heading out of town on a road trip Saturday morning. Trips with Handsome have been hit or miss during recovery. I am not excited to get in a car with him for a 4+ hour drive if he’s in an angry or resentful place. Again, the lack of immediate follow up seems like a really bad idea.
– This doc has been listening to Handsome talk about me for 3+ months. I have no idea what he’s expecting. I feel oddly like it’s a major job interview. I don’t need him to like me, but I do feel like I’m in the hot seat. I’m accustomed to pressure, but I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I have tried to talk to Handsome about how I feel. He assures me it will all be fine. I’m less certain, and I really can’t take another iffy trip with Handsome. My thought is to open with my concerns and offer to postpone if the doc cannot follow up with Handsome tomorrow. I’d rather waste an hour in the waiting room and kick the can down the road than have it all blow up on me this weekend. I have enough posts in the can about long- planned get-aways gone awry.
Good luck, my friend! You will be in my thoughts.
Thanks Leigh!
xo
Don’t throw in the towel if he can’t meet with Handsome tomorrow. Planting half the garden is better than planting none. When you wrote your first line about the hot seat, I thought you were going to say it was the new therapist on the hot seat, not you, based on what you’d previously written. Neither of you are in the hot seat. The guy’s a professional. Having worked with one very closely on my new book, I’ve come to learn that they know more than anybody else when they’re being fed a line of BS…but they are also smart enough not to let on.
That is reassuring. I felt like the last doc drank a lot of my husband’s kool-aid. (He told me he was stunned that Handsome had lied and withheld from him. Um… he’s an addict? It kind of goes with the territory?) I’m hoping that’s not the case with this new guy.
I’m feeling better having just thought through it enough to write it out. Still stressed, but no longer freaking out.
And frankly…some therapists are just broken people who got a lot of schooling and don’t bring much to the table. I think the best qualifications for a therapist are CSAT, LCSW and NCAC II, if not MAC. That’s somebody who didn’t just fall off the bus. Let us know what happens.
Breathe. You got this.
Thanks! I’m sitting in the waiting room with my stomach churning. 🥴
You have shown incredible compassion, love, and patience towards him and with yourself…but you also have feelings and emotions too.
Whatever he has, or hasn’t said, is about him and not you. 69% of the time you won’t see the same situation the same way. Which is why we pay for third parties to help us see why we see things the way we do.
You are more than equal to the task at hand even of it doesn’t feel that way.
Whew! Glad it’s over. It wasn’t terrible but was stressful. I still need to digest it a bit but it wasn’t a disaster. I really appreciate the supportive words and thoughts. It helped me stay grounded throughout.
All the best … I’m glad this therapist adheres to the trauma model. Hopefully, he’ll have a genuine understanding of what this has been like/ continues to be like for you.
He did. I think he “got it.” I feel relieved. Thank you for the good wishes!
I hope it’s going/went well 😊 you’re one cool and calm lady and you can 100% trust yourself to know what is best (I would take your advice on what I should do any day ) xoxo
It went okay. I made it through reasonably unscathed. I think I need a day to process some of it, but it wasn’t a calamity. (I know that’s a low bar, but some days I’ll take what I can get. lol)
xo
I can understand the anxiety. I hope it went better than expected and the road trip is still on! xoxo
Road trip is still on! 🚘
Yay! I love road trips! ❤️
It is my own personal experience that CSAT’s and the like did nothing for me. The only one who could ever get to the bottom of me was my wife. She verbally questioned me and probed me constantly. Because she forced me to answer tough questions on a daily basis and didn’t shy away form hurting my feelings or coddling me, I had to face myself and do a lot of growing up real quick. With each new question, I would resist answering truthfully. It takes time to process being a monster. But it also takes individual dedication. I wanted to get better, despite my protests otherwise. I was really just protecting myself from truths that I didn’t want to own. Eventually, I was in a place where I could accept more of what I had done. But it took a lot of constant work! My whole point is: A CSAT sees handsome for what, an hour a week? That isn’t enough. It is my own, humble opinion (Being a non professional, but being one who was in handsomes shoes) he needs someone who doesn’t take lies, anger, self-loathing, or shame as an adequate response to anything. YOU are the one who was wronged. Maybe he has demons in him, but he also needs to recognize your hurting too. It’s tough to balance the two, it really is. But it’s the approach I took and it worked for me.
I appreciate that comment Jim. I laud your wife for her persistence. I’m sure you know now how much strength and love it took for her to go through that for you. And I laud you too for the work you put in on yourself. I do believe that my husband recognizes my hurt (usually) and he owns the fact that he caused it. He’s just still figuring out what to do with that “stuff.” He has been sober for 2 years, but still isn’t exactly sure what living with integrity really means (that it means more than just being sober) and he seems to grasp at straws about what it’s going to take to heal our marriage. He doesn’t quite yet see that HIS recovery is very different (connected, but different) from OUR recovery. I think last night was the first time he really started to understand that messaging.
Isn’t it strange how we fear something so badly, but we face them anyway, and then we know that what we feared was not what we thought it would be at all. I wish everyone could do that, instead of running away from their fears, their lives, and others around them would be so much easier. But that’s life. I am glad it went well, and I hope the road trip goes wonderfully, not just well, wonderfully. M ❤️