My recent emotions about Handsome are no doubt heightened by two other issues in my life. After 4 months of mammograms, ultrasounds, ductograms (yep, it’s a thing), MRIs and the like, I was told that I have a small mass in one breast that requires some attention. I’m seeing a wonderful surgeon. We did an MRI-guided biopsy and, blessedly, it’s not cancer. Surgery may not be necessary unless my genetic testing reveals that I carry either of the BRCA genes, but she is still withholding judgment on a definitive plan of action.
My thoughts on this? A part of me is scared, for sure, but I keep telling myself that it’s no big deal until the doctor tells me otherwise. It does, however, feel like just one more sucky thing to have dumped on my plate.
I have updated my advance directive to make my 86-year old mother my representative. I know she has my back, has fine judgment, and that she would carry out what I want. Could Handsome do the same? Today, probably, but I’m not putting those eggs in the Handsome basket right now. His judgement until recently has been alarmingly off, to say the least, so I’m better off to rely on my mom. It makes me sad to say that, but it is what it is. (For the record, it’s not that I think he’d have an itchy trigger finger on pulling the proverbial plug. Quite the opposite, in fact. I fear he wouldn’t pull it if it needed to be done.)
To be fair, Handsome has stepped up in the way that I deserve and need from him. He attended all of my appointments, even taking off work to do so. He sat with me and held my hand while the IV team turned me into a human pin cushion last week. He has been gentle and thoughtful and caring.
It could be worse. We’re catching whatever this is early. I’m in a city with fabulous health care options. I do have great insurance and a supportive – if often dimwitted – husband. I don’t want to board the “Why me?” train, but c’mon… sex addict husband, HPV, and now this? My gypsy great grandmother believed that bad things happen in threes, so maybe this is the end of the bad luck? Maybe I’m due for whatever good luck is out in the ether? I hope so because if that whole “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” thing is true then I’m afraid someone upstairs has grossly misjudged my capacity to cope.
I’m also turning 50 tomorrow. It’s fine. I’m not exactly bummed about it (cake!), but I’ve been more reflective than usual. Half my life is in the can. I think I’m a kind and decent human. I’m happy with my achievements and accomplishments. I enjoy my job and find it rewarding. I have two healthy and great kids. My mom is still here and reasonably healthy. I have everything material that I need and a whole bunch of stuff I simply wanted. Our cat doesn’t hate me. The only thing I long for is a mentally healthy and stable partner. Handsome is coming up on two years of sexual sobriety so there is a part of me that feels like a jerk for complaining, but I’ve seen firsthand that sobriety isn’t the whole enchilada. It’s the baseline essential item,but I need more from him.
Handsome knows this. He just had a surgery that will keep him home and off work for 3-4 months. He is pouring himself into his recovery work. Some things are going better than others (Anger management work = good, Step work = not so much), but he’s dedicating serious time to it each day. He’s going to try ADHD meds and see if they make any difference. He’s getting to more meetings and making calls. I am starting to see him shift back to a healthy place. He had the epiphany a few days ago that it’s not my job to ensure he doesn’t get “hangry”. Seems like a no brainer to me, but you’d have thought he invented the wheel. He realized that for all of his adult life he has abdicated responsibility for his own needs and unilaterally delegated that responsibility to others – some who were incapable of meeting those needs and others who simply aren’t responsible for them. He was really sad and frankly embarrassed as he realized he’s been acting like a demanding toddler for years. It’s hard to see him realize what a mess he’s been (and for how long) but if this leads to some lasting growth and improvement it will be the best birthday gift he could give me.
Prayers sent for you. 🙏
Thanks Leigh!❤️
💜💐 Happy 50th birthday BW! 🥂 Keep on hanging in there. 💫
Thank you jangled! I’m hanging in there so far. Really looking forward to that cake. 🙂
I think it’s great you’re planning on living to 100…that shows some form of optimism. And, despite the hardships facing you, you’re a free woman. I turned 40 in jail. That was weird. It’s ironic you say “seems like a no brainer to me” which is exactly the phrase my wife use when I point something useful out in the belief that I was the first to have that thought. Maybe it’s a patient female partner thing 🙂 Here’s to hoping you get what you want for your birthday!
I like your wife. lol I wish I could convey my husband’s astonishment at this great insight. It was truly as if it was some new and novel concept that at 57 he should be able to handle the responsibility of getting himself a snack. I’m glad he made the connection, whatever it took to do so.
The equation of balancing whether a snack is worth getting up when someone is closer is roughly the same as the equation of waiting to get out of bed in the morning when you have to go to the bathroom, but you can tell the sun is already up, so you think it might just be worth laying there in pain to get those last few minutes of sleep.
Happy Birthday!!! 🥳 Mmm, cake! 🍰
I hope the breast lump situation turns out to be completely benign, no surgery required. Enough already!
My breast lump scare happened while BE was in the most active stages of his secret acting out. My good friend went with me to have the benign lump drained, under a simple local anesthetic, outpatient, and I was grateful for that. I hate that it takes so long to get answers, but I know they want to be sure. I did all the tests by myself, was scared to death, BE couldn’t be bothered. As a matter of fact, he purposely scheduled an away biz trip to Silicon Valley with his acting out partner and EXTENDED it by a day so he didn’t have to be around for my procedure. It’s one of those situations where the betrayal felt like a literal stab in the back, then a stab to the heart when I started putting the pieces together after dday. Some people have asked how could I stay after this betrayal alone. It hurt, badly. But I know he wasn’t trying to be evil. He was running away from the stress like a coward. It still hurts.
I’m glad Handsome is there for you, but I get the needing to be practical part. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh Kat, I can imagine that putting those pieces together was brutal. I’m glad you had a friend to go with you for your procedure. I think I’m a reasonably strong, independent person, and I’m not wimpy about medical procedures, but the MRI-guided biopsy was one of the more excruciating things I’ve gone through. (I knew it was going to be weird when the radiologist was basically sitting on a skateboard on the floor with a scalpel and a suction device…)
It took a wee bit of prompting from my mom for Handsome to realize he should probably come with me (still a little slow on the uptake) but once he did he was all-in. I needed that from him, so I’m grateful he put the effort into giving me what I needed.
xo
Yes, you’ve had a lot, too much in fact – so yes I would have to say your Gypsy G-Ma was right 😉 the curse is over and only health and happiness going forward <3
Love and hugs xo
Right back to you SSA! We’ve all had more than our fair share of the curse. It’s time for brighter skies. I’m already trying to be optimistic about 2020. 😊
Brighter skies are on the way my dear (before 2020 I hope!) :*
Happy belated birthday! I wish you the best with the medical challenges. I think you will be fine. I think it’s great that this challenge gave your husband an opportunity to step up to the plate. I had some challenges in the midst of all this SA recovery, too ( a broken foot, a tax audit, knee stress fracture) but every challenge also led to a positive (finding the best orthopedic surgery practice that my husband ended up using for hip replacement, finding an outstanding tax professional who has helped so much with tax issues). Recovery is hard work. Frankly, I don’t believe the stories of the easy recoveries. I wouldn’t trust that for a minute. Our journey is not easy either. I wouldn’t have chosen this and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I have come out of it stronger and more confident. Life has handed us some lemons. But what are our choices? Lemonade. 🍋 🍋 🍋
😘
Life really does like to keep the lemons coming sometimes, doesn’t it? I question the easy recovery stories too. There’s just way too much involved with SA for things to suddenly be wonderful. It is, honestly, one way I sense this is “real.” If my husband never seemed to struggle or take a step backwards, that apparent perfection probably wouldn’t ring very true to me. It’s not that I like the backsliding. I detest it, but at least it shines a light where real progress has been made (and where effort is still needed).
xo
Happy Birthday! I loved turning 50. We’ll see how I feel about 51.
I’m sorry to hear about your health scares. Hopefully everything will turn out just fine.
I think I’m loving it because it lets me close the door on my 40s, but hey… whatever it takes. 🤷🏼♀️💃🏼🎂🍾 You’re right that I may feel differently at 51. Lol
I have also been brought up in the belief that bad luck, and good luck, comes in threes! Then I read the Tao and got it. I am sorry to hear about your health issues, and I am sending positive vibes that all will be okay. What I love about you is that you reflect on what is good, that in itself is a blessing, because so many people can’t do that. When I turned 50 (I cannot believe I am going to be 57 in January!) I took two weeks off work, and I wrote my journal every day. The week before my birthday I reflected on the life I had lived, and the week after my birthday I wrote about how I would like to move forward. But as always life had a plan for me that I was not aware of. Stay true to yourself always, have a fabulous 51st year, hugs. M ❤️Xx
Thank you so much. I appreciate all of those good wishes. I try, very hard, to “see the good” every day. Some days it’s seemingly impossible, but I feel as though if I can just grasp on to a bit of positivity each day it helps pull me forward into the next day. Given all that has transpired I don’t know that anyone would be surprised if I wallowed in self-pity, but I just choose to try to be happy. Some days I fail miserably, but other days it works out just fine.
xo
And all those things are what makes me see you as a friend, many miles away, but a likeminded individual never the less. ❤️