No, Handsome hasn’t relapsed. Yes, he is still sober (2 years next week) but he is … stuck. He goes to his meetings and he makes all of his appointments. Intellectually he knows what he needs to work on and how to go about working on it. He just can’t seem to bring himself to actually DO much. His emotional regulation is still crap. He has a decent pool of resources to rely on, but when his ship is sinking he is unable (unwilling?) to reach out to anyone or to do much of anything about it. He simply can’t bring himself to call on anyone for help when he needs it and yet he remains utterly unable to right his own ship.
Both our CSAT and Doc 2 have strongly suggested that he attend a 30+ day inpatient rehab where he can focus on family of origin issues, traumas, and other things and where he could hopefully develop the emotional regulation skills he so desperately needs. I believe that for proximity issues alone, they’re pointing him towards KeyStone Center outside of Philadelphia. I hear that Russell Brand did a stint there. He writes fondly of his recovery but less so of the facility. Also, rather than staff physicians and counselors they use an “independent contractor” model which seems a bit sketchy to me.
Handsome can go anywhere in the country. He isn’t stuck on the East coast. If you or your partner have insight on any inpatient rehab programs, whether positive or negative, please share them. We originally connected with Dr. Minwalla through relationships built here in the blogosphere (and he was an absolutely fabulous asset early on in Handsome’s recovery), so I value and appreciate any recommendations or criticisms you may have for any facility. Information would be particularly helpful on the program broadly (particularly substance versus fluff), duration, family involvement (if any), and insight on whether sex addiction is truly a specialty or area of expertise. It seems that there are a number of facilities that profess expertise in sex addition when they actually have little training or meaningful experience in that area.
It’s not a sure thing that Handsome will be going, but I’m type A enough to try to get some ducks in a row just in case it actually happens. As always, I thank you all for any assistance you can provide.
J have a close friend who did keystone. He wasn’t a big fan and when I looked into them 5 years ago, they would not take insurance. I got a lot out Sante Center for Healing in Argyle, Texas, outside of Dallas. Personally, I like being with different kinds of addicts as they also deal with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. I felt I got a lot out of being around different kinds of people rather than just all male sex addicts. I also liked being somewhere smoking was not allowed. That said, while the administration is mostly the same, almost all the clinicians have changed so I can’t speak to the current staff. Sierra Tucson really turned me off on the phone and I’ve talked to a couple people who went there and were unimpressed. The only other place I’ve heard good reviews of is the meadows at wickenberg. Not sure where that is in Arizona, but this time of year, I’d want to be somewhere warm and sunny.
Thanks for this. I’ll put Sante Center and the Meadows on the list for him to check out. It appears that there are no centers in Alaska or northern Wisconsin, so I have a feeling I’ll be shoveling snow while he’s off painting sunsets and grooming horses and such. 🙂 (joking, but not really)
The sad reality is, at least for me, equine therapy was an upsell, so I didn’t get to channel my inner National Velvet while at rehab, and our art therapy only had markers and crayons.
Seriously, if you want any deeper analysis or inside info, I can talk to you through email or offline.
I really appreciate that. I’ll connect with you if it looks like it’s seriously happening. Handsome sees Doc 2 both tomorrow and Monday so we’ll see where that leads.
Two places come to mind:
Dr. Omar Minwalla in L.A.
The Gentle Path at The Meadows in Wickenburg, AZ.
Both highly respected and widely recommended.
Good luck, my friend. ❤️
Thanks Leigh! Handsome did an intensive with Dr. Minwalla about 18 months ago. It was incredible and jump started his recovery. Handsome and I both recommend him without reservation. Unfortunately Dr. M doesn’t do inpatient or anything longer than 7-8 days. I’ll have Handsome check out The Meadows. I think that’s where Dr. Carnes is based, if I’m not mistaken. (As much as I deplore his decades of pushing his BS codependency model for spouses, I recognize his expertise in treating addicts.)
xo
Have you given any thought to tackling the underlying personality disorder instead of focusing on the sex addiction aspect of it? Because that’s the key to it all IMO. And the bonus is, THAT will be covered by insurance and can be handled locally.
Hi Mrs. P. Your comment is interesting because it speaks to the reason for my own lack of enthusiasm about a 30-day inpatient sex addiction program for him. Handsome doesn’t appear to have been acting out for two straight years now. He seems to have found ways to manage triggers and to generally cope with life without turning to his addiction. He’s still an addict, but the addiction itself is not his biggest problem in this moment. The ongoing issue is with all of the other “stuff”, like the underlying personality disorders and related traits. Intensive treatment on those would be helpful. I don’t think he needs 30 more days of reinventing the wheel. I’m going to try to advance this theory and see if I get any traction.
xo