I haven’t written here in almost two months. That’s probably not a good thing as blogging here is a part of my own self-care. It’s also not because there was nothing going on. Summer was a bit of a roller coaster. I’ll write more on that later, but just know that at this moment, in this instance of time, things with Handsome are okay. Often, they are quite good. He’s actively working his recovery (meetings, outreach to SA contacts, therapy) and he finally – FINALLY – switched from the Doc to a psychologist who is a highly experienced CSAT.
That last bit simply had to happen. I think the Doc had a lot of insight into Handsome and he certainly helped him through a lot of things, but my sense was always that he was ill equipped to address Handsome’s sex addiction. Could they devote weeks to delving into Handsome’s family of origin and early upbringing? Sure. Was it helpful? No doubt it was in certain respects. Did it help with Handsome’s integrity disorder? No. Did it help with his resentment towards me? No. Did it help him transition from dry drunk to a place of good recovery? Not that either. Handsome just needed something more… and thankfully he agreed to try this other, well regarded psychologist to see if he might be able to bring whatever was missing to the table. He came to the conclusion on his own that he needed to make the switch, so it’s a resentment-free transition. We’re only a few weeks in, but I’ve seen enough differences and improvements to make me hopeful.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you might wonder why I’d ever have hope about my husband. I had dinner last week with a fellow blogger and this question came up in discussion. While my husband’s addiction was apparently always a part of our relationship (unbeknownst to me), 2012 is my defining line for my husband “before” and “after.” If there was no “before” version of Handsome, I would have walked 20 months ago (or, frankly, earlier). During the roughly 11 years we were together before 2012, not everything was perfect, but I didn’t suspect his addiction and enough was spectacular that it all balanced out to what I thought was a really good marriage and partnership. Handsome was present and an active and enthusiastic parent and partner. By way of example, our son contracted bacterial meningitis during delivery and was hospitalized for 46 of his first 48 days of life. After he was allowed to come home, 18 months of weekly in-home occupational therapy followed to ensure he stayed on track developmentally. Do you know how many of those 78 in-home sessions I attended? Exactly one. Handsome swooped in and made it his mission to ensure that our son got the services he needed and that I had one less thing on my plate. Not only did he schedule and attend every session, but he did all of the work with our son in between the visits. Spending copious amounts of time with an infant is taxing on anyone, but add in our son’s needs at the time and what Handsome undertook (and accomplished – our son is now a healthy 4th grader who counts swimming, lacrosse, flag football, and Tae Kwon Do among his loves) and it was noteworthy. He did all of that while also staying present and involved with me and our then-toddler daughter. Life didn’t revolve around him. It revolved around our family. I’m happy to add that’s just one example of the awesome, loving, giving, supportive things he did before his addiction knocked the wheels off our bus.
I have hope because that’s the guy I married. That’s the guy that I know – because I saw through proven behavior over time – my husband can be. Our Summer had some great times, but it also had some very raw, rough spots. Recovery isn’t linear. As I write about the incredibly crappy times we just went through, understand that my hope for the future is based on a very real and long term past. Just bear that in mind as I bring everything up to speed in my next few posts.
Welcome back! It’s interesting that you have a before and after in your marriage, prior to dday. Dday is my after. I never saw the addiction rear it’s ugly head. BE always pretty much acted the same, thus my complete and utter shock at the phone call. His moods were apparently tempered by his addiction, from before I met him. I’m interested to read more about your summer, and your progress. I’m impressed that you found time to write. I remember September being the most hectic month with kids. Those days are now gone. ❤️
It’s interesting Kat, but I only see the before/ after in hindsight. It’s based on what I know now, not what my experience was at the time necessarily. I didn’t really see Handsome’s behavior change till 2015 and it was such a slow evolution that, again, I had a feeling that something was going on, but no idea what it was. That’s when he constantly seemed angry and resentful and made me feel like I couldn’t do anything right. I know now, of course, that was all about him and his addiction and trying to justify his acting out. Handsome’s recovery tempers his moods IF he’s in good recovery. That’s still a big IF. He’s doing fine with his sobriety, but it’s a struggle for him to bring in all of the other components of a healthy and complete recovery and to work on them every day. It’s hard. I’m sure it’s particularly hard when you’re 57 to change the way you think and live life, but that’s the only way our family can stay together.
September with school age kids is a marathon. So is May when the school tries to fit in every activity, play, concert, and meeting imaginable before Summer. It keeps me and my mind occupied though, and that’s a good thing. I’m trying to lean into it this year. 🙂
xo
Blue Eyes seems to have been able to manage his sexual acting out sobriety really well since diagnosis, but his mood is a whole other can of worms. He was definitely much better at managing his moods with his addiction than without. Pretty sure he was using sexual thoughts and actions every day to manage life. The only area where I can see a difference in the before is when he used to go on trips with the other woman (hindsight of course). Prior to leaving he was frenetic, distracted, ungrounded, and sometimes downright mean to our employees and our children, not really to me. We figured it was just his micro-managing as he would worry about how the company would function without him (ugh). Now I realize it was more about what he was about to do and how he felt bad about it, and stressed, but didn’t want it to stop either. When he returned home, he was often sick, probably from the stress of keeping his secrets. He still gets a bit ungrounded before trips, but nothing like before. Day to day though, I think his body is still adapting to not having the sexual hits. He seems to have picked up a few other habits… like, he’s not a sweets person and last night he ate a piece of cake and a candy bar??? He does work his recovery pretty much every day, and things are so much better than they used to be, but sometimes I wonder if I’ve just learned to deal with it better since the trauma is mostly gone. Who knows. Probably a combination. He’s been somewhat off the past couple days and I pretty much ignore him. As always, you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances. xoxo
My experience was like Kat’s. D-day was the after and it was a total shock. Even as I learned the truth, I had so much trouble making sense of it. The acting out behavior just didn’t fit with my loving, caring, husband who had never given me any reason to think he could have been doing what he was doing. Your post explains why we stay with these guys. It’s like they are two different men. Early recovery was very hard for my husband and I came very close to calling it quits. Prior to D-day I didn’t know what was going on so I was blissfully ignorant, but for almost 2 yrs after, it was in my face. I was on an emotional roller coaster all the time. Then I decided to get off. I started out wanting to save my marriage but came to realize I had to save myself. My husband is very lucky I stayed with him as are all of these guys whose wives stick it out. The consequences for SA are horrible and the disease does progress. I believe my husband’s recovery is solid now, but it’s not easy. He attends SAA daily, sees a CSAT and a psychiatrist. He told me today that his sponsor and CSAT told him he’s ready to be a sponsor. Recovery is not easy and it is one day at a time for both of us. Xoxo 😘
I’m really happy that your husband has healed enough to become a sponsor! Kudos to him and, of course, to you for hanging in there this whole time.
My DDay was a total shock as well. I never, ever, not in a million years, would have suspected my husband of one affair (let alone 5 simultaneous affair partners and all the other sex addiction related behaviors that came to light later). I thought that at worst he was in the midst of a mid-life crisis. He just seemed miserable, depressed, withdrawn, resentful. It wasn’t as though every day was a nightmare, but he was just… different. Now I know why.
I’m working on saving myself. At the moment it means a fair bit of detachment as Handsome works on himself, but I’m fine with that. It’s beneficial for me in this moment, so I’m running with it. 🙂