I haven’t written here in almost two months. That’s probably not a good thing as blogging here is a part of my own self-care. It’s also not because there was nothing going on. Summer was a bit of a roller coaster. I’ll write more on that later, but just know that at this moment, in this instance of time, things with Handsome are okay. Often, they are quite good. He’s actively working his recovery (meetings, outreach to SA contacts, therapy) and he finally – FINALLY – switched from the Doc to a psychologist who is a highly experienced CSAT.
That last bit simply had to happen. I think the Doc had a lot of insight into Handsome and he certainly helped him through a lot of things, but my sense was always that he was ill equipped to address Handsome’s sex addiction. Could they devote weeks to delving into Handsome’s family of origin and early upbringing? Sure. Was it helpful? No doubt it was in certain respects. Did it help with Handsome’s integrity disorder? No. Did it help with his resentment towards me? No. Did it help him transition from dry drunk to a place of good recovery? Not that either. Handsome just needed something more… and thankfully he agreed to try this other, well regarded psychologist to see if he might be able to bring whatever was missing to the table. He came to the conclusion on his own that he needed to make the switch, so it’s a resentment-free transition. We’re only a few weeks in, but I’ve seen enough differences and improvements to make me hopeful.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you might wonder why I’d ever have hope about my husband. I had dinner last week with a fellow blogger and this question came up in discussion. While my husband’s addiction was apparently always a part of our relationship (unbeknownst to me), 2012 is my defining line for my husband “before” and “after.” If there was no “before” version of Handsome, I would have walked 20 months ago (or, frankly, earlier). During the roughly 11 years we were together before 2012, not everything was perfect, but I didn’t suspect his addiction and enough was spectacular that it all balanced out to what I thought was a really good marriage and partnership. Handsome was present and an active and enthusiastic parent and partner. By way of example, our son contracted bacterial meningitis during delivery and was hospitalized for 46 of his first 48 days of life. After he was allowed to come home, 18 months of weekly in-home occupational therapy followed to ensure he stayed on track developmentally. Do you know how many of those 78 in-home sessions I attended? Exactly one. Handsome swooped in and made it his mission to ensure that our son got the services he needed and that I had one less thing on my plate. Not only did he schedule and attend every session, but he did all of the work with our son in between the visits. Spending copious amounts of time with an infant is taxing on anyone, but add in our son’s needs at the time and what Handsome undertook (and accomplished – our son is now a healthy 4th grader who counts swimming, lacrosse, flag football, and Tae Kwon Do among his loves) and it was noteworthy. He did all of that while also staying present and involved with me and our then-toddler daughter. Life didn’t revolve around him. It revolved around our family. I’m happy to add that’s just one example of the awesome, loving, giving, supportive things he did before his addiction knocked the wheels off our bus.
I have hope because that’s the guy I married. That’s the guy that I know – because I saw through proven behavior over time – my husband can be. Our Summer had some great times, but it also had some very raw, rough spots. Recovery isn’t linear. As I write about the incredibly crappy times we just went through, understand that my hope for the future is based on a very real and long term past. Just bear that in mind as I bring everything up to speed in my next few posts.