Many days – most days, in fact – my husband is doing really well in his recovery (18 months of sexual sobriety). Most days he also does well, or at least better, at working on our joint healing. On those days when he screws up, however, it can still be epic.
Yesterday, Handsome and I had a rare opportunity to have a mid-week lunch together. The restaurant we planned to eat at was closed, so we randomly picked a place nearby. We were seated in a big booth. I sat facing the entrance/ exit and Handsome sat facing the majority of the restaurant. We placed our orders and were talking about schedules and upcoming events when I hear a loud, giddy voice over my shoulder say “Oh my god, it’s so great to see you!!!”
Before I could even figure out what the hoopla was, some woman – a 40-something spray tanned waitress – has her arms flung around Handsome giving him a big hug, and then she squeezes herself onto the tiny part of his seat to his left. Her name, as I learned from her name tag – because Handsome made zero attempt to introduce us – is Julie. As I’m sitting there with my jaw literally hanging open, Julie could have cared less about me. On the other hand, she was absurdly happy to see my husband.
Now, I fully understand that Handsome has no control over what other people do, including other women. He does, however, have control over his response to those people. He could have said “Hey, do you know my wife?” and introduced me. He didn’t. He could have said “Have you met my wife before?” and introduced us. He didn’t. The most I got from either of them is that she grew up in the hell-hole where he works (as if that doesn’t set off alarm bells left and right) and, probably due to fraud, one or both of her kids somehow go to the same elementary school our kids do. While it’s clear she hasn’t seen him in a while, it’s also clear that she feels she knows him well enough to act like this with him in public/ her place of employment regardless of who I am. I’ve never seen or heard of this woman before.
Julie pulls out her cell phone and starts showing him pictures of her boys, occasionally flipping it around so I could see them too. The whole time, she’s practically sitting in his lap. Does my sex addict husband slide down the seat into the 3+ feet of open space to his right to create some distance? Nope. He doesn’t budge.
Next, Julie starts talking about all the problems she’s having with her boys’ dad who is apparently some wanna-be drug dealer. (Of course he is, because Handsome sure knows which broken people to pursue and who better to risk your job and family over than a heap of trashy folk?) Recall that Handsome has a raging white-knight complex. Several of his APs started out as damsels in distress. He has read “Not Just Friends” and he knows he’s supposed to shut that crap off immediately with something like “I’m sorry to hear that and I hope you have someone to talk to about it.” Here is his opportunity to demonstrate for me that he has firm boundaries in place and that he knows how to use them. Does he do that? Nope. He jumps right in with her to discuss her ex-whatever. Unbelievable.
After about 5 minutes of this where I feel like I’m having an out of body experience, she finally gets up and leaves. Do I get any explanation/ apology/ lame excuse from Handsome? Nope. Handsome starts the “Let’s Make Believe That Didn’t Just Happen” game. I give him the benefit of the doubt thinking that maybe he’s just trying to sort through it or figure it out for himself. Here we are though, 24 hours later, and I do not know who this woman is, why she feels close enough to my husband to behave that way with him, or why he ignored all of his boundaries.
In the absence of any word from him, what do I think? I think she’s someone that he got overly friendly with at work while he was acting out. I think he ignored his boundaries yesterday because he didn’t want to seem rude. When push came to shove, he prioritized his image management and her feelings over mine. That seriously sucks. As I pointed out to him this morning, if he can’t enforce his boundaries when I’m sitting two feet away, why on Earth would I trust that he can enforce them when I’m not with him? He insists that I’m his priority, but words are cheap. I’m at the point where I need to see it to believe it and I didn’t see any success story in his handling of this moment.
He often does great, but he also must do better.
Ugh! I know these feelings. They suck.
I remember writing about a similar (albeit less intense) situation with BE the first summer of recovery. I remember feeling like there was so much about my husband’s behavior I still didn’t know and getting him to talk was like pulling teeth.
But when I wrote about it, and there weren’t other people at the time (that I could find) that were writing about living with a newly diagnosed and recovering sex addict, I felt like people wouldn’t understand. That they would think I was paranoid or jealous of every woman my husband came in contact with. So not true. I also received quite a few comments on the old blog about how much time I spent focusing on my husband’s behavior… ummm, well, that was what my blog was/is about!
Well, I’m here to say, I GET IT! Our guys are not normal. Part of recovery is learning how to behave, respectfully, now, to US! Who cares about these random women they flirted with. They mean nothing. Come on guys, own it and bring us into the (AWKWARD) conversation because pretending like these women aren’t there doesn’t work. And pretending like we’re not there doesn’t work either. They obviously care not at all about these women, but they still need to come clean and acknowledge who the hell they are. In the case of BE, five years ago now, he really just needed to stop the flirting, and maybe actually introduce me, as his WIFE.
I can say that it still frustrates me if BE breaks those boundaries and looks or flirts, like in Hawaii, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s tiring but not debilitating like it once was. Those behaviors are actually far less destructive to our relationship than his current backslide into work addiction. Sigh.
xo
I know you get it. 😉 Even though Handsome didn’t initiate this encounter, he did nothing to stop it. We talked about it this evening and he really seems to think there was nothing he could have done differently. I can think of at least 5 things very easily. In this particular case, his sponsor was no help. Together they decided that Handsome should apologize for triggering me. He didn’t trigger me. He just failed to adhere to his boundaries and didn’t respect me. It’s incredibly obvious to me, as it probably is to many partners, and he’s just baffled.
It’s sooo very disappointing.
❤️
Oh good lord! Do these guys genuinely not understand (I’m talking about long termers, sponsors, those in addiction programmes (really not see it is almost as simple as introducing you as his SO, and therefore at least providing a frontline wall? Bloody hell. Really? Maybe a suggestion to “share with the group” next meeting 🤦♀️
I know, right? His sponsor seems smart and normally insightful, but missed the mark here. Of course, if Handsome presented it in such a way that made me sound like a wing nut, it’s more understandable. You are absolute correct though that if he had taken the 5 seconds necessary to introduce me it would have changed the dynamic of the moment (and certainly made me feel better). I can’t grasp why that’s so hard to understand or do. 🤷🏼♀️
❤️
Yeah, the blog entry I was referring to was one where the cashier initiated a similar situation and they BOTH acted like I wasn’t even there. Even used pet names for each other!!! The sponsors are addicts too, and sometimes just as clueless. Yes, just introduce us and bring us into the conversation so it doesn’t, in the present, reek of something covert! Just a little morsel of respect goes a long way.
A similar incident happened with my husband a year ago. My husband also had the white knight thing going in his acting out. We have an attractive young neighbor, married, very nice. My husband would come in from talking with her outside and say how nice she was. Never thought anything of it until one day he commented on how it was too bad her husband was so cold and standoffish. Ding, ding, ding! OMG! Alarm bells went off. I told him, “Don’t you see? This is your addiction?” He sort of agreed but said he wasn’t attracted to her. He agreed to avoid her anyway. Until he didn’t two months later. I walk outside to see him talking to her. I can’t hear them but I can tell from his body language he’s getting into his stuff. Preening like a peacock. He sees me and keeps talking to her. Until she left. With me standing right there looking at him. He later says he didn’t see me. Wrong. She waved at me when I walked out and he turned and looked at me. His excuse was that another neighbor was talking with them so it was ok. Sigh. I made him sleep in the spare bedroom, which he hates, until I felt better about it. He did admit later in a session with the CSAT that he had been a little triggered by this woman. He has since scrupulously avoided her.
I think it takes a certain amount of recovery before these guys start to see that they just can’t go there. Like alcoholics can’t hang out in a bar.
I agree. I had hoped that my husband had enough recovery under his belt to “get” the issue here, but he doesn’t. Or he gets it, in theory, but thinks this particular incident wasn’t problematic. He says he couldn’t have prevented the hug. He said he didn’t slide down the seat because he didn’t want her to get comfy and stay. I think that’s BS. When she started prattling on about the baby daddy and how she can’t believe he isn’t in jail, that was when Handsome was all-in. Soft voice. Reassuring tone. Trying to be charming. Hearing her out. No. No. No! When we talked last night he kept insisting that there was no other way for it to have played out. I gave him several scenarios. I also pointed out that, at the extreme, he could have said to her “I’m sorry, but I don’t hug or sit next to women other than my wife.” I know he can’t imagine himself ever saying that. It’s not cool. They might think he’s weird or rude. He’s not yet able to risk his “image” to enforce his boundaries. He doesn’t quite grasp the importance of those boundaries and my sense of safety. Sigh. At least I know what we’ll be talking about with our CSAT next week.
UGHHHH…this was the PERFECT opportunity for him to say “hey, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time but I have a lunch date with my beautiful wife. Good luck!”.
I’ve often asked Mr. P what he would do in this situation, or one where we run into one of the OW, and he always says he would avoid them or tell them to “leave me the fuck alone”…but I am not so sure. These guys can’t be “unliked”. What I don’t trust, like you, is what the reaction would be if I wasn’t there.
I’ so sorry this happened to you, this isn’t a 2 steps forward 1 step back event – this is a few steps back. Hopefully he can learn and make up for the lost steps.
Big hug xoxoox
That would have been a lovely reply. I’d have even settled for “Hey, thanks for stopping by, but we’re pressed for time” or something like that. These addicts just can’t stand the thought of shutting off the hits. It’s okay to be disrespectful to me. God forbid she thinks he’s rude or weird.
And sadly, he doesn’t grasp how absolutely proud/ validated/ safe I would have felt if he had handled this appropriately. It would have upped my trust level significantly. Now? Like I said, if he can’t get this right when I’m sitting RIGHT THERE I have zero confidence in how he handles these scenarios when I’m not around. It’s a big missed opportunity that is, unfortunately, going to take some time to repair.
Hugs to you too xoxo
I’m sitting here reading this to Mr. P and this is his comment: “Yeah, he fucked her.” Of course, who knows for sure, but that’s my gut feeling too. I hope we’re wrong.
And she enjoyed upstaging you and knew exactly what she was doing. They get off on that crap.
Oh, there had to be prior inappropriate contact between them for her to feel comfortable literally throwing herself at him. You don’t glom on to someone like that if you haven’t ever touched them before. I know that. And I assume he slept with EVERYONE. I’m also sure that there are a number of other women out there exactly like her – 30 to 50 something, long dark hair with a bad dye job, hooker nails, spray tan, with a “ridden hard and put away wet” look, etc. – that he acted out with that we just haven’t run into yet.
I actually don’t care whether he slept with her or not (because, again, I just assume he did). I care that he threw his boundaries out the window right in front of me and disrespected me in the process.
It’s all already been said in the other comments, but just the same, I am here listening and sighing and validating the “what the heck was that?” feelings. xo
I thank you for it. ❤️
I completely agree with the comments above. It’s hard to take your husband’s words seriously when he doesn’t even think to introduce you to the waitress, and to make a point of stating that you’re his wife. There’s no excuse for not doing that! It would have shown sensitivity to you and your feelings in the situation – and should really have been an automatic response given where you’re at in your relationship!
Absolutely, Ann. My husband, long prior to this incident, essentially rendered his own words meaningless by actions. I will not… cannot… rely on his words alone. I have to watch his actions. “Proven behavior over time” as they say. We had a rough few months in that regard. This incident with the waitress was kind of the start of a downward spiral. I’m happy to report though that things are getting back on track more recently.