A few brief thoughts for the week:
* Farewell Backpage! So long Craigslist personals! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
* No sponsor yet for Handsome at SA. (sigh) I don’t think he’s stalling exactly, but maybe the unicorn he is after just doesn’t exist.
* Handsome is going to be off soon to attend a long intensive program in LA with Dr. Omar Minwalla, who may just be my new hero. Google Dr. Minwalla if you aren’t yet familiar with him. Given that I do not identify as either a co-addict or co-dependent, I’m squarely in the trauma survivor (I hate to refer to myself as a victim) category when it comes to Handsome’s affairs and sex addiction. I really hope that this program proves to be incredibly helpful to Handsome in kick-starting his recovery. He’s not exactly excited about it – as he says “no, I’m not looking to have all of the awful and disgusting things I’ve done be the topic of conversation for an entire week” – but he does seem eager to get it underway and to see what he can learn from it. If it helps him to better handle the damage and pain he caused to me, all the better.
* Handsome says his therapy took a turn for the much harder and more challenging this week. Amen. Perhaps my talk with the Doc is bearing fruit.
* Oh, and I just saw that the woman that Handsome “dated” last summer got herself arrested AGAIN recently for harassment. I don’t think he could have scraped the bottom of the barrel for his acting out partners any more if he actively tried. Yuck. How ironic is it that in those moments of chasing the dragon of his addiction when he felt most wanted and desired he was engaging in behavior that is a complete and total turn off to the person who loves him most in the world?
Have a great week everyone!
I do not identify as a co-addict, co-dependent or wear a victim label either. We have that in common. Also the hope that Handsome embraces his intensive program and recovery. Thanks for the updates. Blessings.
Thanks Cynthia. I like to believe that if I was actually a co-addict or co-dependent that I’d own it and address it but, like you, it’s just not me. Labeling me as such simply because my husband is a sex addict would be akin to calling me a bad driver just because I might marry a bad driver. I just don’t think it works that way. If I knew what he was up to and tolerated it or otherwise enabled it, fine. But that isn’t my situation. DDay #1 came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me, as I think it does for many of us. To me those labels just dump unnecessary fault and responsibility on a betrayed spouse already reeling from infidelity.
So much recovery material I came upon in my early stages seemed to assume/suggest the partner was co-dependent and it confused me because I really didn’t feel like I was. Then of course I wondered if I was in denial of my behaviour. I ended up talking to my therapist about it because it had never come up in our sessions thus far. Well, it hadn’t come up because he confirmed that I wasn’t co-dependent or a co-addict. So much extra confusion comes from labels and trying to fit into the textbook models. It upset me to be so close, and yet not quite fit. It took me a little while to understand that there are certainly similarities in every situation, and yet each story will still be different because no couple is the same. It was then I could fully embrace my recovery program. For me. Just as I was where I was.
I am not a co-addict or co-dependent either – yes I had gut instincts that something wasn’t quite right, but I never knew what that something was.
I suspect Handsome hasn’t found the Unicorn because he is now dealing and processing the fallout all day long (as expected). When he was acting out it was just background noise and Life A was completely separate from Life B. But now that it’s Life AB, I’m sure he’s like “polygraph, SAA meetings, Dr. Minwalla, comforting betrayedwife, individual counselling, marriage counselling, questions from betrayedwife, dealing with shame and guilt, figuring out why, possibly dealing with withdrawal, still working, being a great dad etc. etc. AND finding a SAA sponsor?? SHIT. The Unicorn may be the last one on the totem pole, unfortunately.
I’m positive it will happen once things settle xo
I finally sent you a response email. I know, it’s so late. 🙁 I hope you are well. Just wanted to drop in and say I am SO HAPPY Craig’s list personal ads are gone, yay yay yay, yippee. Don’t know if anyone ever found their “one true love” that way, but my husband found an old, hoarding, alcoholic willing to give “it” away for free, whore, so yeah, good riddance!!! <3
Agreed! I’ve had it pointed out to me that the closure of these sites just pushes men to paid sites. Maybe. But paid sites leave a paper trail. It’s messier, discoverable. Finding the third party billing service for Seeking Arrangements is what led to DDay #2 for me.
I did the happy dance too when I read the news! 💃🏼 ❤️