Handsome has been in therapy – for the first time ever – since early January… so, for three months. I know that he lied to the therapist to some degree for the majority of the first two of those months as they had their own DDay #2 shortly after Handsome’s second DDay with me. Over the last two weeks I started to feel that perhaps I was being fed more “addict-ese” than sincerity. I cannot put my finger on what triggered this feeling, but perhaps it tied to Handsome’s self-assured stance after the polygraph. Whatever it is, my spider senses are now always on alert. I trust my gut.
I told Handsome that I wanted an update from his therapist. After some initial confusion over what I actually wanted, Handsome agreed and I was able to speak to his shrink yesterday. I’m really glad that we had that call. It is true that Handsome has made some great strides in terms of his anger management and in trying to be more open and communicative. It is also true, however, that he skipped over major issues with the Doc. Like, oh, for example, how he spent tons and tons of time at work plotting voyeuristic drive-bys of the Whore’s house so that he could see her flash her boobs at him. Every. Fucking. Day. For. Years. And sometimes more than once a day. Or how he didn’t just share a bed in my house with Angel Baby last July, but how he spooned with her and got an erection with this supposed “mentee” that he’s known since she was a kid. And, and, and….
You get the idea. He has told the Doc some, but by no means all, of his dirty laundry. Just like he cherry picks what he tells me, he’s cherry picking what he tells the Doc. I’m not necessarily surprised by the picking and choosing, but I am surprised that he’s leaving out some awful stuff that he has disclosed to me already. Why fess up to me and hide things from the Doc? Perhaps he wants to unburden his conscience but not actually deal with the issues. That seems cruel to me. Telling me awful secrets that I cannot ever un-hear, and then doing nothing to address them.
Fortunately, the Doc now gets that he’s only being told a partial story and he and I are in agreement about a few key issues. Like Handsome getting his act together with SA and getting a sponsor. He didn’t tell me that I’m a nut job and the cause of all of my husband’s problems (yep, I worried about that). I think Handsome’s next appointment may be a bit different than what he’s accustomed to. I believe he’s used to walking in there and blathering for 50 minutes. He might find himself challenged to dig a little deeper next time.
Betrayed wife, Mr. Perfect is also very angry, but only when I ask questions. Is this when Handsome is angry as well?
No. Not at all. When I ask questions I usually get a decent effort at an answer. Occasionally I’ll receive a sigh and a partial eye roll (as if to say “oh, are we back on that again?”) but never anger.
Handsome’s anger is sudden and intense and is usually tied to perceived slights or annoyances. Getting it under control is one of his therapy goals and, thus far, he has been keeping it in check. He also seems to realize that if he is kind, considerate and respectful that he’ll find these behaviors mirrored back at him. (Why that wasn’t obvious, I do not know…)
I also believe that at least a portion of his anger issues tied to the self-fulfilling prophecy of his view of his infidelities. He would create strife at home so that he could “blame” his acting out on his wife/ family.
As odd as it sounds, since he started therapy – in spite of the awfulness of the infidelity and the SA diagnosis – our home is a much brighter, happier place – most days- because he isn’t screaming at everyone all the time.
Hello. I found your blog through Kat’s Blog. My H was not truthful with the therapist he went to for a yr. He started with this therapist shortly after D-day. I had initially set 3 boundaries: No sex with anyone but me, therapy and recovery. Recovery meant attending SAA, getting a sponsor, working the program. He did all 3, or seemed to be. That was 2 yrs ago. I was naive about SA and didn’t understand “acting out.” I thought it was a euphemism for “f…king around.” My H hasn’t had sex with anyone but me since d day but he has acted out in some crazy ways. Until 6 months ago when he finally got serious. But he lied to therapist #1 for over a yr. He started with a new therapist in Sept , a CSAT who has a great rep in our area. The difference is night/day. He’s made so much more progress with this guy. My opinion is that these guys are masters at impression management and can fool a shrink. Why would he pay a shrink and lie? Sigh. That just makes no sense to me. Now H says he regrets wasting all that time not telling the shrink the truth. Well duh. We did a disclosure with shrink #1 with no polygraph. Big mistake. I naively thought he was telling the shrink the truth so the shrink would call him out on any lie he told me. Ha. Anyway, we will be doing another disclosure with polygraph this time. The new shrink won’t do it any other way. I’ve learned more than I never wanted to know about SA in the last 2 yrs.
Hi Maggie, and welcome. I’m so glad that your husband is now with a therapist who is making a difference. That’s huge. I think that Handsome’s therapist is pretty good, but it has to be hard to dig out the facts that have been conveniently stuffed down in shame. I feel like maybe I’m fortunate that it only took two months to bring the other admissions to light? I’ve certainly read enough blogs where the addict has lied for years and years. And good for you on having a second disclosure with polygraph. They aren’t perfect, but it’s at least some confirmation that you have all or much of the correct story. And I fully believe that the fear of the polygraph is enough to prompt them to tell some additional truth if they are inclined to do so. Handsome was incredibly motivated to not fail the polygraph. He knew what was at stake and I’m sure your husband does too.
xo