During an hour this afternoon I was simultaneously juggling a Zoom meeting on my computer, a WebEx meeting on my cell phone, and helping my son with an existential crisis involving both a Lego build and the Hunger Games. Prior to that I ate lunch while drafting a document on a different call. I can multi-task like nobody’s business, but these multiple demands for the same scarce time are becoming more common.
On a frigid February day -the kind that make Summer seem impossible, like an apparition or distant memory – I volunteered to be in charge of volunteers for my son’s swim team this Summer. This evening, the mom coordinating the whole endeavor asked for my email address to include in an outreach email to the 80+ families with kids in the program. My response? “No, thank you.” I couldn’t even imagine my already bursting in-box surviving that madness. More specifically, I wasn’t sure I could survive it.
I’ve been actively practicing saying “no” more frequently. Work has given me some excellent opportunities recently to use the word. Did I want to organize a thankless office event in October? No, I do not. Would I like to take on a committee position that is of no interest? No. (I did, however, agree to continue on a different committee that actually brings me some joy.)
My home front has been fertile ground to try this out too. Could I keep track of Handsome’s appointments? No, but I bought him a calendar. Could I help him find a highly specific kind of summer hat? No, but I double checked that there was no issue with the internet browser on his phone or iPad.
I am stretched about as thin as can be. Some demands on my time are necessary or at least worthwhile. Others are neither of those things. They might make someone else’s life easier, but not without real cost to me. Could I play on the internet for an hour or so and find my husband a hat? Sure, but there is no reason at all he can’t do it himself. None. And frankly, I’d rather spend that hour doing something else.
I have used the word “no” so rarely that it is catching people off guard. Handsome assumed that I was angry with him. I wasn’t. My managing partner seemed to think that I was kidding when I declined to play party planner… even though my other partners already warned him how overwhelmed I am right now. Nope, not kidding. Swim team mom was totally put out that I didn’t want my in-box flooded with helicopter parent emails. Oh well.
Here’s the funny thing… Handsome has always been a rock-star at shooting down stuff he doesn’t want to do. My observation -as unscientific as it may be – is that men have an easier time saying no. So, I’m acting like a man till my load lightens.
I think this is an excellent lesson. Women in general I think are taught that if we don’t have a good reason we should say yes. And that personal needs don’t count as reasons. Plate being full doesnt count. Everyone with a vagina should just… do do do and be be be and make our personal selves matter less so we can help more
Yes! Personal needs don’t seem to count. I remember the saying “Children should be seen and not heard” from elderly folks when I was a kid. Seems like that phrase has been applied to women for generations. It’s maddening.
Pet peeve with my ex was his constant ask of ‘where did you put my….’ …. Um… 1) if you put it away or washed it or dealt with it yourself, I didn’t do anything. That leads to 2) if I did ‘put’ it anywhere when it’s your thing… it’s because you didn’t put it or take care of or wash or whatever. So if I did that, you’re welcome but it means I put it somewhere logical after that maintenance and that should have been back in your hands to put away I guess since 3) it’s not my thing so I shouldn’t be responsible for it, go find it yourself instead of already defaulting to blame.
If you need my help, don’t start with blame. How about ‘so, super awesome woman who makes sure my world stays upright, can you help me find this thing since I’m a dummy who doesn’t take care of my own things and I don’t know where it is right now?’ Full stop. All blame on him. All need expressed as something I am not responsible for.
No. Men do tend to think we are here to cater. Drives me mental
“All need expressed as something I am not responsible for.” Every word of this. It is one thing to partner with another and mutually support needs and wants. It is another to presume that my existence is to meet all those needs. I frequently remind my husband that I am not his mom. That level of responsibility may have been her job for 18 years (which she did poorly) but it’s not mine. It drives me mental too.
I think part of my love of TDF is that he never ever wants me to feel that expectation. He has been on his own without parents for 20 years and has no intention of relying on anyone but himself and then he likes when we share loads together. Totally different world. He actually thinks North American men are broken or something, we are the land of misfit toys because he sees it in movies and shows and I tell him about previous relationships or friends relationships and he is squarely convinced that there’s something in the tap water or we are building men to be incapable of shouldering their own because he’s fine… and his friends and family etc etc all seem totally able to deal with their own laundry, parenting, being grown ups. What happened to us westerners.
I can’t explain it either but as the mother of a son I feel duty bound to break the cycle. It’s a work in progress with him but I see the way some of his peers glom onto their moms for every need and I know where that’s headed. I am his favorite person, but he still has independence and agency. So important. Wish my hubby had those lessons. I’m sorry for the way TDF learned those things but glad he did for your sake. ❤️