After Handsome’s disclosure, it was my turn to present my impact statement a few weeks later. Fun fact: I started drafting it over two years ago so it was 98% done by the time of the disclosure. I tweaked a few things afterwards, but not much.
Due to COVID, while our disclosure was done in-person in our CSAT’s office, my impact statement was presented to Handsome (read out loud by me) in the front seat of a Ford F-250 Super Duty parked in a local park while our CSAT participated by Zoom. It was far from ideal, but we made it work.
Handsome had been pretty agitated the day or two beforehand. I’m sure it was hard to know he was going to be gutted for an hour. I was reasonably calm, except that I was worried that Handsome might spiral emotionally afterwards. I was concerned that he’d fall into hopelessness. At some point I had a choice to either soften my words to be more palatable, or be honest. I chose honesty. I chose to give my feelings and emotions all the space they needed, especially my anger. I so rarely let my rage out, but I did so in my impact statement. I didn’t do it with yelling or cursing or name calling. I let the YEARS I had to draft it work in my favor.
Our CSAT is usually pretty chill, but she was in tears through much of it. Handsome was in tears multiple times as well. I hit a lot of nerves. Hard. I covered the impacts to me emotionally, physically, socially, financially, and the impacts to my job and to our children.
For a good bit of the last three years, my pain has taken a back seat in therapy. We spent a ton of time focused on Handsome, as we needed to, but that left little time for me. All my feelings that went unsaid, all the things I stuffed down just to be able to function, all the words that had bubbled up only to find they had nowhere to go… they all had a voice in my statement. It was 14 single-spaced pages of gut-wrenching truth. My truth, at least.
I wrote about things we have talked about, like how violated I felt that he brought Angel Baby to our home. I wrote about things that were seemingly off-limits before, such as his blatant disregard for my health and the physical safety of our family. I asked rhetorically how gaslit and abused I had to be to not buy myself a single article of clothing for almost three YEARS because of his raging rants about money. I addressed how foolish I feel now that I know where all of his money was going. I described the hurt of the birthdays and Christmases where I bought my own gifts for the kids to give me because he couldn’t be bothered. I told him I had no intention of dragging him kicking and screaming towards a better marriage.
Perhaps the title of this post should have been “The Unburdening” because that is exactly how I felt. If his disclosure was freeing then presenting my impact statement was like taking flight. I took off my heavy cloak of shame and anger so that I could soar.
In the end, it honestly didn’t matter to me how he took it. It didn’t matter whether he heard all the words or whether he agreed or disagreed. I couldn’t control any of that and didn’t care to do so. I felt better. It helped heal me, and a healthier me is a better mom and daughter and friend, and probably a better wife. That matters to me, and by those measures it was a success.
Onward!
This is AMAZING! You are so well written, so I’m quite sure your statement was extremely impactful.
Well done BA! Yes, onward darling!!
Aww SSA. You’re too kind. 😊
This was such a relief after such a long wait! Very happy we finally got here. ❤️
I recently discovered a similar situation. It’s been tough. Trying to figure out what to do next. What the next move will be for me and my son bc no way I will stay with a cheater.
So sorry you’re going through this pain Jill – you must do what you need to do to find peace and happiness xo
Your healing is what matters most. I’m so glad you had the chance to have your story – and the impact of all of this on you – properly witnessed and validated. Here’s to your recovery!
Thank you DLH! I knew that I needed an opportunity to speak my truth, but I didn’t realize exactly how much relief I would feel after it was over. It has been an essential piece of progress for me individually and for us as a couple. ❤️
I recently discovered a similar situation. It’s tough. Trying to figure out the next move bc I will not live with a cheater.
Hi Jill. First, I’m so very sorry that you are going through this. Discovery and the aftermath are brutal, whether you stay or leave.
If you read the blogs of the other SA partners here (mostly women) I think you’ll find that every one of us said we wouldn’t stay with a cheater. Some partners left their spouses. Others stayed.
I can only speak for myself, but I stayed because I fairly quickly determined that my husband wasn’t just a garden variety cheater. He had a lengthy history of trauma that, when untreated, led to multiple process addictions and mental health issues. It doesn’t justify anything he did or make it less painful. It just clarifies that it really was all about him and his brokenness. He committed to addressing those issues and lined up appropriate resources and I felt safe enough to try to heal with him rather than apart. It has not been smooth sailing, but he gave up alcohol and he has been sexually sober for almost three and a half years. He is not the same guy he was when he was acting out. Not even close. He is a much better man, husband, father, son, employee, friend now than he was before. For me, it was worth sticking around to get to this point.
Stay strong and remember that you don’t have to make any decision now. You can decide when you’re ready.
❤️
Thanks BA for owning your truth.
Too often I kept secrets and told lies because I was trying to not upset others or because the truth might have consequences that would make life harder for everyone.
Adverse Childhood Experiences, and the attached traumas cast long shadows. Many people, like myself and your H don’t even realize we are acting in response to these long trauma shadows. What we are doing makes sense in the moment.
Today I practice speaking up and speaking my truth, not because it is the “right” thing for others or the relationship but because I refuse to live in shadows. The reality is people are owed nothing, we are entitled to nothing.
Instead I practice speaking up solely because in that moment that is the truth and I earnestly want to learn the skills appropriate to the moment. Even now, years later, when I feel uncomfortable I believe I need to do something about it. Sitting through your list of truths must have been incredibly uncomfortable for him. Reading it must have been uncomfortable. What is far more uncomfortable for me is the emotional hangover of not speaking when something needs said.
Very safe to say that we were both uncomfortable. I had read it a million times while writing it, but I was still overcome with emotion when I started to read it to him. Much tougher than I thought. Still way better than keeping it stuffed inside. I’ve come to realize that some of the best self-care for me is addressing my feelings and speaking up. I’m no shrinking violet but it’s still often easier to just let things slide. That just breeds simmering resentment. Not good for anyone.