Long-time readers know that there have been a few false starts on the way to my husband doing a full therapeutic disclosure. The closest we came was last May or June when it was essentially fully drafted but his buddy from rehab convinced him it was a bad idea.
Prior to that I mostly had 2+ years of staggered disclosures. My husband did A LOT of things during his acting out. I knew just about everything, but it was still more of a Rubik’s cube than a simple puzzle. I didn’t have a good sense as to how various pieces fit together. It was like having almost all of the pages of a book, but none of the pages are numbered, or in order, and you don’t know what you’re missing.
I know that some people can move forward and heal absent a full disclosure. I couldn’t. At some point it became less about what my husband was going to say and more about the fact that he refused to say it. The pain was less centered around what he did, and acutely focused on the fact that he knew it would help me (and us) heal and yet he couldn’t bring himself to show up for me the way that I needed. It felt disrespectful, dismissive, and selfish. When he finally (FINALLY!) moved forward with the disclosure in January it was literally like a ton of weight was lifted off my chest.
The disclosure took place three years and one month after DDay #1.
Yes, it hurt to hear specifics of how my life was undermined and blown apart without my knowledge, but it was also freeing. The pages of the book that told the story of our marriage were finally being put in order. A few of the pages I was missing were added. Questions that arose were addressed. It was hard to hear, and yet so necessary for me.
I know some disclosures take an hour or two. We were at our CSAT’s office for over 5 hours. He had a lot to read through. I had a lot of questions. There was no Earth shattering new information for the most part, except for one thing.
Our CSAT believed that it would be helpful to me for Handsome to walk through the history of how his addiction developed and how it appeared in his prior relationships. (In other words, she wanted him to clearly show that his addiction had nothing to do with me because it had been going on in various forms throughout his life.) During that part of the disclosure I learned that Handsome blew up his first marriage with the Flame. I didn’t know that. I thought she came into the picture after that marriage ended.
As mortifyingly embarrassing as it is to point out, she was a 17 year old high school student at the time. Handsome was 27. 😳 WTF?!?!? Knowing that my husband was once “that guy”… the awkward and creepily out of place adult date at a prom … was always cringe inducing and wildly uncomfortable for me. Finding out that relationship started as an affair?? There are no words. I was flabbergasted.
Our CSAT pointed out that at that time – thirty years ago, and closer in proximity to his trauma-filled childhood – Handsome probably only had the emotional maturity of a teen. True… very true until recently… but still… yuck.
As distressing as it was, it was still “good information” as they say. I didn’t really see the cycles in Handsome’s acting out or understand how early in his life he started his destructive behavior. I also had no idea of the extent of the Flame’s home wrecking resume or that she was Handsome’s go-to side ho for decades. It explains a lot.
Our disclosure was a long, long time coming, but as I walked out of the CSAT’s office that evening I felt … free. I had just heard hours of really terrible stuff, things no one should ever have to hear from their spouse, and yet my relief was palpable. I was really looking forward to the future for the first time in a long time.
It’s part of the insanity of sex addiction for a spouse….knowing all the things that hurt, makes healing possible. I know that some partners don’t want to know anything but I, like you, needed all the information so I could move forward. God bless you friend! ***hugs***❤️
Thank you Leigh! It does seem backwards, but I’ve always known that to really close this chapter and move forward I needed facts. Perhaps more importantly, I needed him to be vulnerable and lay it all out there and be willing to accept and address any fallout. Onward! ❤️
Love the analogy (and I may use it in convo’s with Mr. P if I ever need it!) of the book with no numbers and the pages are out of order. YES EXACTLY!
I’m so glad you got the much needed and long overdue pressure release from the disclosure. I love it actually. Knowing the full truth, you have all of the the details needed (for you – as you said some don’t need) to make an informed decision about your future life, and I’m glad Handsome is still in it because that means he is doing to work you need to move forward xo
<3
I could never make sense of the timing before. It was just too disordered. That’s because Handsome was really too disordered to figure it out. With some therapeutic guidance, he pulled it together in a way that made sense. That alone was incredibly helpful because it restored order to my understanding of what was actually happening in my life at different times. I needed that more than I knew.
I also needed full disclosure. Some friends thought thst was insane. I knew i am better with information than feeling around in the dark. That not knowing gnaws at me something horrific. Trickle truth was torturous. They may think/convince themselves they are protecting you.
Nope.
Protecting themselves from all the facts of their depravity being laid bare.
So happy for you ❤
I used a line in my impact that went something like: “Handsome, you didn’t lie to me to avoid hurting my feelings. You lied to me because telling me the truth would have prompted me to make decisions that were adverse to YOUR interests.” (I swiped that from somewhere but I no longer recall where, btw.) I believe that to be 100% true. Not telling me was primarily for his self-preservation. I was not a thought.
Thanks for hanging in there with me while we slogged through the last 3 years to get to this point. ❤️
You’re easy to stick with, BA.
Don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that xxx
❤️☀️❤️
“Handsome, you didn’t lie to me to avoid hurting my feelings. You lied to me because telling me the truth would have prompted me to make decisions that were adverse to YOUR interests.”
Yep.
“Handsome, you didn’t lie to me to avoid hurting my feelings. You lied to me because telling me the truth would have prompted me to make decisions that were adverse to YOUR interests.”
Yep.
And as long as people around me felt a certain way they would still love me and I’d be safe. None of that is conscious when I am making those choices. The choices simply make sense in the moment. It is what needs done to protect the things we need, want, and the status quo.
I hide from others the very mistakes, fears, and anxieties that support intimacy.
It never occurred to me that my mistakes are far more meaningful to building and supoorting connection than the appearance of my successes. The motto essentially being, “Love me for the good things and ignore the bad.” In truth, there is no good or bad things, they are simply coping skills.
I think it’s telling the truth about our mistakes that builds and supports connection. It’s not just the humanity of being imperfect, it’s how we take responsibility that builds trust and connection.
It’s good this provided you with some relief. The therapist who handled our FTD said, “FTD levels the ‘knowing field’.” Yes. And secrets are like treasure to many of these guys, so holding the secret(s) is “one-upping” their partner. Take care.
I’m curious why you think, “secrets are like treasure to many of these guys, so holding the secret(s) is ‘one-upping’ their partner”?
Not to put words in beleeme’s mouth, but I think this is an SA thing to a degree. Having an affair is one thing, but imagine the logistical circus of juggling multiple affair partners at once, plus a few prostitutes and a massage parlor or two, and throw in a porn addiction too for good measure. At some point, the addict isn’t just lying but rather they are living a whole lifestyle of deceit. The addict also becomes addicted to the lies. Dr. Omar Minwalla considers SA to be, among other things, an integrity disorder. In my own experience that is completely true. It took a very LONG time for Handsome to quit lying constantly after his addiction was revealed. To be clear, I’m not even talking about big lies. I’m talking about “who left the carton of milk out” kind of stuff, and even when he knew I already knew the truth. He had conditioned himself to lie constantly. That was a really hard habit to break. On some of the bigger issues there was definitely an element of control involved in when he would tell the truth. Very often, the more I wanted to know something, the less likely he was to actually tell me. His secrets were definitely treated like treasure.
Thanks BA.
I find this fascinating because so often I read and hear people lumping all infidelity into the same pot.
The reality is it is far more nuanced and complex than the generalities people toss at it and is generally one of many possible coping mechanisms to internal chaos.
I see repeatedly people on all sides imaging infidelity to mean things it doesn’t actually mean but it is human to need a story.
I kept my secrets, not as a treasure, but as poison I didn’t want anyone else to experience.
…for a while I thought I was the poison.
There is certainly truth to the “secrets as poison” for addicts too, but once it mostly all comes out, it’s fairly common for SAs to cling on to a few secrets “just to keep them in their pocket” as our therapist says. Like mementos. Fantasy to fall back on, should the need arise.
I replied to BA. I think this video explains it – if not – sorry – I’m not going to watch videos again. Any secret or betrayal in a marriage is “one up” b/c the betrayer KNOWS the reality / truth and WE aren’t afforded that luxury. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tgFoXc75vw&t=2s
Good video.
“You want to give the betrayer space to grieve the loss.”
Excellent, under appreciated insight. Doesn’t get talked about enough in the push for immediate fixes and the inability of everyone involved to sit in the discomforts.
I did not hear her mention this “one up” concept. Maybe it’s a different video or I missed it.
Although, I think that is more a story imagined about other people’s intent than the actual intent. Although I can only speak authentically from my experience.
Anyway, thanks for the video.
You’re welcome. That may not be the video where she discusses it, but she does discuss it here (blog below). I’ve heard the “one-up” concept in many places when anyone in a marriage is lying/betraying — b/c the other doesn’t have the info to make an informed choice. https://partnerhope.com/betrayal-is-dehumanizing/ It may have been this video or another, where she talks about competing attachments. She said the betrayer needs to choose (the marriage or the attachment to whatever else). Both people have a lot of grieving – heck – my husband realizes now that his betrayals took away intimacy / connection for over two decades b/c he was holding secrets. He said he didn’t realize it at the time. Now he gets it – he says he harmed me, us, and himself.
What a brilliant term… the “knowing field.” I agree. Knowledge is truly power and when one partner – after having caused utter devastation – unilaterally decides what they will or will not share, the balance of that power is tremendously skewed. ❤️
I can’t take credit for that phrase; our FTD therapist used it (level the knowing filed). You know what other phrase she used? “LIES, no matter the SIZE.” So – lying about milk, hummus, etc. are an insult to the relationship. Anyone can forget something once in a while, but when people have been married for decades, it’s easy to see it. Little lies are really a big deal when it comes to integrity. I recently viewed a video by Michelle Mays and she talked about lies / secrets “one-upping” the other. When the BIG secret comes out, she says the betrayed person is often “one-up” b/c we place boundaries and consequences in place. Eventually, if the relationship grows into health, BOTH players are on an equal knowing field. A BIG secret is definitely “one up” — choosing to pull the wool over your mate’s eyes. Not okay. Sure, it’s a poisonous secret for them, but they hold it like Gollum held Precious.
Indeed. And much like Gollum freaked out once Precious was gone, I have witnessed my husband unravel as the skein of long-held secrets came to light. Not solely because of shame, but also because of the loss of power/control (the one up) of holding onto those secrets. That’s not just me imagining that. It’s months of work in his various forms of therapy and receiving that feedback from professionals across multiple therapeutic practices. A significant part of his addiction was feeling like he was “in control” – puppet master to me and the OW and his addiction- even when he was clearly anything but that, and a big part of the control was the skein of lies. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz where you pull back the curtain and there’s just a sad, lonely fraud of a man there.
Now that’s an analogy – the wizard. There are many similarities with these guys (and probably women?) who betray, and there can be differences and different motivators (probably due to their childhood trauma). My husband actually confessed when he was beginning to break down (psychologically) from his secret life (guilt) and from a ton of workplace trauma and serious lack of sleep (workplace). 1st, he told me about the money he’d been stealing from our accounts, he showed me, and he handed it all over (cash was in the walls and hidden compartment of his car – crazy)! A few days later, I asked him if there was more and he spilled the sexual betrayals (most of it – they usually don’t spill it all until they are ready to let go – but enough for me to know he was with paid women). He was suicidal, but I didn’t know that at the time. We were in the middle of an out-of-state move. It was so much trauma for me and for him all at once. Ugh. That’s 5 years ago. My H felt entitled to buy women (there’s a “one-up” – HE can do that, but he certainly expected me to be faithful). He thought that what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. He now realizes his actions and withholding hurt me subconsciously and sabotaged our marriage / intimacy growth together. But – can’t change the past – can only move forward. I’ve chosen to stay, for now, b/c he’s in decent recovery. Take care BA.