Several weeks ago Handsome headed off to rehab. Not, as you might imagine, for sex addiction. He was sober and not struggling with his sobriety. He was, however, struggling with being an a**hole. Yes, there’s a rehab for that.
When I say that Handsome was not struggling with sobriety, what I mean is that he wasn’t feeling compelled to masturbate, view porn, pic collect, go to massage parlors, or any of the other things he did to act out. He is repulsed by his old, addictive behavior. So what’s the problem? He was struggling mightily with recovery. He was sober, but still not in a good place mentally. On some level, his acting out helped him regulate his emotions.** If you’re used to having an orgasm or two to release your stress when you have a crappy day, what do you do when that’s not readily available? Without the right tools (or willingness to use the tools you have) you bottle that stress up and become miserable. Then you take that misery out on everyone around you.
It’s not that every day with Handsome was awful. Far from it. Good days were often great days. That said, there were enough cruddy days that something had to change. Pre-DDay, Handsome was prone to angry outbursts (never physical, just ranting about whatever he was upset about) and moody. Very moody. In the aftermath of DDay, his temperament improved tremendously, probably because he was terrified and trying to be on his best behavior. You can only fake it for so long though and the moodiness and anger seemed to come back in full force from last May forward.
I admit to tolerating a lot of that before DDay because I foolishly thought it was all some kind of a mid-life crisis passing phase, but I just can’t now. Why? Two reasons: (1) I see clearly the toll his moods have taken on our kids, and (2) I can’t walk on eggshells in my own home. Our kids and I deserve better than that from him. When I met with Doc 2 prior to Thanksgiving, he thought that with two sessions a week he might be able to get Handsome to make some progress with emotional regulation. I was skeptical, but willing to give it a shot. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work. We went on a two week vacation over Thanksgiving and he was often a hostile jerk. That was a last straw for me. I told Handsome that either he could go to rehab or one of us needed to move out. When he dragged his feet, I picked a firm date and told him that either he would be getting on a plane that day or I would be packing my car and leaving. I did not run that by our CSAT or waffle about it. I know he was stunned. I know he resented having a line drawn in the sand. I have a feeling he felt betrayed. (Welcome to my world…)
He opted for rehab. There are a million to choose from, but after a good bit of research on our own we opted for Sierra Tucson in Arizona. We picked ST for three primary reasons:
– fully covered by our insurance;
– they have a mood disorder treatment protocol; and
– they have a program for vets and first responders.
Of those 3 factors, the first two were by far the most important to me. Would I have found a way to cough up the money for him to go somewhere? Probably, but I also strongly feel as though we’ve spent a fortune on him already and that comes at the direct expense of everyone else in the family. Not having to pay out of pocket was a huge consideration. (To quantify this, the fees for Handsome’s treatment at ST exceeded $90,000. Of that, we paid $173 for a medical visit he needed off site. The rest was fully covered.) Having him get very specialized care at a highly regarded facility was also incredibly important. There was no point in sending him for treatment if they weren’t equipped to address his particular issues.
In the days right before Handsome departed, he vacillated between being incredibly kind or shockingly mean. When I dropped him at the airport I was truly glad to see him go (and also sad it had come to this). He didn’t say goodbye. He gave me a half-hearted hug and walked into the terminal. I would not have been surprised to find that he changed his ticket and just bailed. He didn’t. He got on the first of his two flights. He called me from his connecting airport in tears. I think it finally hit him that the coming weeks were a Hail Mary to try to save his family. That was, however, the last heartwarming conversation we were to have for many weeks. Things would get much rougher before they got better.
** My dear friend Crazy Kat pegged this too. I swear she is a savant. She would write about how her husband’s addition seemed to help him stay regulated and – for a long time – I just couldn’t relate because my husband seemed so much “better” in his sobriety. It took nearly 18 months, but starting last summer I got to see how hard it truly is for my husband to regulate his emotions and stay on keel without relying on his addictions. This is especially true when it comes to dealing with anything that causes him discomfort or unease. He dealt with those emotions before by tamping them down with alcohol or sex. Absent those things, more recently he often turned to anger and frustration. None of those coping mechanisms are acceptable though, so there was a lot of friction in our home.
This is amazing. Good luck.
And yes, CK is totally wonderful. Talked me off a ledge of sorts this morning xxx
HRC – we are here for you. And KC is special, for sure.
Since rehab isn’t something BE did (although it was heavily researched by and for both of us), I’m very interested in this part of your story. And I am no savant, just someone walking ahead of you on this path, and paying close attention to the pitfalls. I never want anyone reading my story to think that these guys just miraculously heal. They don’t. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth our effort. ❤️
It’s going to take a few posts to work through this experience. For Handsome, it was all positive. Every moment. My experience, from my perspective, is a bit more…. muddled. And it’s still playing out.
Xo
!00% on how my husband seemed like a “better” person/husband when he was medicating. Crazy, but true. I think that’s one way we can be so deceived – it doesn’t seem (to us wives – unknowing) as bad as what is *really* going on.
There’s such a difference between sobriety (or even partial sobriety) and recovery. My husband hasn’t “gotten” this until the past 1-2 months.
I hope the program helped your husband with emotional regulation. Thats so important. It will be life-long work for him, out of rehab, too, but it will be easier over time. It will give him peace. He’ll feel better, and that will motivate him to stay on course of he choose the right path.
It wonderful your health insurance paid for the treatment. Excellent!
I am so glad there’s a rehab for a-holes. Maybe they should learn to make themselves for that? Ha. Just trying to make a little joke. Hang in there. We’re with YOU!
Thanks beleeme! It is incredible to me that my husband was – in some respects – more stable during his acting out, but I do understand it intellectually (if not exactly in my heart). If you walk with a crutch every day and that crutch enables you to walk reasonably well and you use it for years so that it becomes like an additional extremity, when the crutch is suddenly taken from you you’re going to struggle to walk. It won’t be pretty. It might be painful. You might want the crutch back even if you recognize that you shouldn’t have been so dependent on it. You might get mad at whoever took it from you and mad at yourself for needing it. This is what I see with my husband’s recovery.
xo
You’re welcomeBA. So much of this problem and how it affects us — well — it helps to keep some things “intellectual” b/c it hurt us so much. But at least we can understand the science, the human development and the big p[icture. That’s the ONLY way I’ve been able to stay.
Dare I say I’ve had quite a bit of empathy lately for my husband when he’s been opening up about his childhood (which set him up for this problem)? It’s true. I don’t think I could ever (???) empathize with the betrayals, but he has shared more about his childhood, and shared his feelings about his testicular cancer when he was in his early 20s. I knew about those events (some) but he is letting his feelings out.
Re: The crutch – YEP – It’s like a functional alcoholic who has 2 drinks a day and doesn’t get blitzed / mean, but take that away, and OY VEY.
I’m here for you, BA. It helps to share with one another. <3
p.s. This sentence made no sense in my response and I have no idea what it was supposed to say. The autocorrect on this platform is quite something.
❤️❤️❤️
Mr. P has been struggling – still – with severe anxiety and self hate since he stopped acting out 3 years ago. Before all of this came to light, I would have though that putting the secret disgusting life behind them would just magically end all of the addicts troubles, but they used control as medication (not realizing they were completely out of control), and now they can’t. They don’t have that clutch, and I still really don’t understand it.
I wish I had the answer, Mr. P is hard to live with right now as well – he’s needy, anxious, clingy, unable to focus, angry and easy to aggravate – and I don’t have any tolerance for the last 2 either. He was none of these things when he was acting out (except anxious but I never really saw it often), and it pisses me off to no end that he did what he did with those whores, seemingly happily, and now that he can’t, he’s mostly miserable.
When will we be on a peaceful page with our men? Haven’t we been though enough dammit?!
That’s not lost on me either… the happy with whores/ miserable now thing. I know that’s an oversimplification and not exactly accurate, but when you’re on the receiving end of it I have to say that it sure seems that way. I keep longing for that peace too, SSA.
xo
It’s a definite oversight; they started acting out because they were miserable in the first place, but yes, as you said, it sure feels convoluted on the receiving end xo
Did you see the report that Bill Clinton said his affair with Monica was a way to deal with his anxieties?
I saw that. If you read about his family of origin he seems to have a ton of childhood trauma too.
I didn’t know that, but I’ve heard many testimonies of this, including from Mr. P. We’ve discussed many times that he had unhealthy coping skills (if you can call them that!) by using women as a self esteem booster/distraction to his insecurities and anxiety. Definitely not acceptable, but it’s certainly the same reason people drink, do drugs, and gamble.
” When I met with Doc 2 prior to Thanksgiving, he thought that with two sessions a week he might be able to get Handsome to make some progress with emotional regulation.” Really! How naive is that!!! What was Doc 2 thinking!!! I find it interesting that we all say the same things …. Before DDay our men were generally on more of an even keel; also, they were relatively stable immediately afterwards as they were no longer carrying a horrible secret; and now it’s depression, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster ride … Thanks for sharing this blackacre. I hope the rehab genuinely makes a positive and lasting difference. x
DLH, I can’t imagine what Doc 2 was thinking. I believe that he was overly optimistic based on what he saw in his sessions with Handsome. But Handsome image manages his therapists quite well. Since then I think Doc2 has seen through some of that veneer and has a better idea of what he’s actually working with. Or at least I hope so. Fingers crossed.