Handsome is off at an inpatient rehab. More on that to follow in a week or three.
I’m putting pen to paper because suddenly, I am experiencing my own two-steps-back in my recovery. Even though Handsome did not relapse and he went mostly willingly to rehab, I am angry at him. Like really, really mad as hell. I thought that I had worked through and processed my anger after all of the DDays. I thought that I had worked through and dealt with my anger at all of the screw up and bombs in between. Yes, there were occasional flares of what seemed mostly like exasperation and frustration, but not like this. Yet, this is where I find myself recently.
I’ve noodled it for a few days. Why now? Why is the anger back with such force? I have come up with a few theories:
1. Yes, he’s in a locked down medical facility, but he’s also playing with horses and going on hikes and singing songs around a campfire while I am breadwinner, chef, taxi driver, washer woman, dog walker and homework helper. There’s some resentment there. While I know it isn’t helpful it also isn’t unjustified. He’s the addict and yet the burden of this treatment falls squarely on me and my kids. That sucks.
2. I’ve never really had the luxury of letting my anger come out before. Yes, I cursed at him under my breath and out of earshot of our kids for weeks after DDay 1, but after that life simply had to go on. Our kids needed me to not be a banshee in front of them. My anger took a back seat to preserving our family. Once it became clear he was a sex addict, my anger seemed somewhat inappropriate (you wouldn’t scream at a schizophrenic for their disorder, so how do you scream at a SA, I thought). I’m sure I was angry – I was devastated, so it was surely in that mix – but I shifted to trying to get him appropriate help and giving him space to work his recovery. I marched on and plastered a smile on my face. Life went on. Without him around every day though, it’s like a pressure valve has been released. It’s all coming out. I tried to change our cat litter last week (a task that I’d never done before in my life) and managed to overturn the garbage can and dump dirty litter all over our laundry room. An hour of clean up, bleaching, and repeated carpet shampooing later and I’m pretty sure that I wished him death in a fire-filled pit of kitty poop hell. I was alone, so the anger poured out without consequence. So did the tears.
3. He simply isn’t here. While it’s clear something is missing, it’s not all bad. Far from it, in fact. Our kids are helping out and literally getting along better than I’ve ever seen them. I’ve rolled up my sleeves and found time to clean and to clear clutter that hadn’t been touched in years. I’ve made such a dent that one thing became evident – Handsome did nothing around our house other than laundry. Before he fell back into his addiction he would dust and vacuum, polish woodwork, mop and things like that. It’s clear to me that hasn’t happened in forever. Given what I’ve been able to accomplish in a few weekends on my own even with working full time + and all my other inherited tasks, any reason he has for not helping is pure BS. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt about being busy (among other things) but the reality is that it’s just another example of how I made my needs small to cater to him. I am dedicated to ensuring that doesn’t happen again.
That is what I think leads to the main root of my anger. I am living a nice, normal, hectic but happy life right now. With Handsome temporarily out of the picture I see clearly how devastating his behavior was both during the throes of his addiction and at the lowest points during his recovery. I am happier and less lonely than I was for the last six months, and yet HE IS NOT HERE. I miss him, but not the “him” I’ve seen since last May, and certainly not the “him” I saw during his acting out.
What I thought was tolerable when I was in the fish bowl with him is clearly intolerable from outside. Addicts can suck all of the oxygen out of a room and, in our case, I see how much he sucked out of this family. I’m really angry at him for that, but I am almost equally mad at myself that I couldn’t see that in real time and that I allowed it to happen.
Before Handsome left for rehab I made it clear that upon discharge he wouldn’t be coming straight home. He can spend a week or three in a tiny AirBnB or economy hotel while he reintegrates into his job and our family. He needs to meld to our new normal. Not the other way around. One good thing to come from this anger is a hard commitment by me to ensuring that things don’t go back to the way they were before.
“…how I made my needs small to cater to him…” This is so clear to me, too. I hate admitting it to myself b/c I do advocate often for my needs. But.
But my husband was really sick (almost killed himself), so I had to hold things together for quite a while (1- 1 1/2 years???) for him to stabilize after his confessions, attempt, hospitalizations and relocation to another state. Who else was going to do it?
But while he was working (like mad – crazy hours/shifts – sleep-deprived) and acting out, I cut him slack b/c of his work schedule. I kept myself busy with my private practice, volunteer work, and friends.
Anyhow – great post. I can relate. My therapist said something a while back about how I must’ve gotten the message when I was young that I wasn’t “as important” – YEP – true.
I think you inspired me to write, BA. Our friend Kat encouraged me to write about my childhood, and I’ve been avoiding it. And I have a lot of anger right now too. Mine is from fear, hurt, and anxiety, I think. Sigh. This is such a tough road. Hugs to you.
Yes, beleeme, that childhood messaging truly sticks with us into adulthood. Mine was along the same lines, but slightly different. My mom was an accomplished trauma nurse. She gave up her career to be a housewife and raise me. It wasn’t atypical for the time, but I saw how she wished for more but put her needs and desires last. I thought I mostly overcame that in my own life and marriage … but apparently not. Hopefully my eyes are sufficiently open now.
I hope you do write! I’m still sorting through my anger, but writing this post was helpful to me. It is a tough road.
Xo❤️
You go, girl! Backsliding can be so helpful because it dies make us examine ourselves in more depth, all those small needs. Boy, do I get it! 💋💋💋
*does
It sure does Paula! This has been eye opening for sure. 👀
❤️
I disagree on the idea of comparing a sex addict to a schizophrenic and therefore it’s inappropriate to get angry with them. No one forced Handsome, or Mr. P (my husband) to call that first massage parlor and make an appointment, or drive to the ATM and take those joint assets out of the checking account to pay for that hooker, or get in the car and drive to the brothel. Now, did circumstances nudge them in that direction? Yes. But they had a choice and they chose the “what my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her” route. And THAT my sister, you have every right to be angry about. Let it fly! You can let it fly quietly. You don’t have to yell. But express that anger, and to his FACE.
I absolutely agree that Handsome went for the “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt” route. Completely. He has acknowledged that. And yet… I’m also mindful of the role that Handsome’s disordered thinking (mental illness, really) played in his addiction. On the outside he looks “normal” and fully functioning. During his acting out, the reality he created for himself was FAR from actual reality. For example, I’ve written about him harboring anger and resentment towards me for not attending his mother’s funeral. BUT I WAS THERE! It’s hard to adequately describe, but during the discussion where I learned what he thought actually happened. I literally watched him switch from seething hostility to disbelief (when I told him I was there and started talking about specifics of the 3 days I was there and the 10 hour car ride home) to confusion (trying to figure out why his memory was wrong) and finally overwhelming sadness as he realized that something he relied on to “justify” his behavior was a figment of his imagination. It’s just one example of his disordered thinking, but when your brain is that scrambled I’m not sure that free will is truly free will. It’s not an excuse, to be clear. He always knew right from wrong. But mental illness can make even absurd decisions seem perfectly rational.
We’re going to have a discussion about my anger, for sure. I think I’ll feel relieved to let it fly a bit. 😉
Xo
I totally hear you about the b.s. they built up in their imagination. Watching their face as the fairy tales unravel is a unique experience. We hate the term “acting out” though. That’s a term used for unruly children. I just refer to that time period as “when you were an asshole.” I mean, let’s call a spade a spade. But the fairy tale is built up in their minds AFTER they go the first time so they can justify continuing to go. That first time they made a choice. Now that I’ve been through this experience I find this “believing any b.s. you want to believe” can be applied to so many people in so many other life situations. It’s really opened my eyes.
And just let me say that we say the “asshole” thing a little tongue in cheek now because Mr. Ps had his “exorcism” a few years ago and has come through the other side. Believe it or not, we can actually laugh about some aspects of his former life now. Not all of it, but some of it.
Ha! Here, I call it acting out, but in real life I just refer to it as the years he was f*c$ing around. I can find humor in some of those events, but at this stage it’s mostly about what a complete and utter fool Handsome was about certain things (“girlfriend experience” anyone?). Maybe that will evolve over time.
I found myself reading this, nodding and saying yep. You know that I always say ‘if you don’t have yourself you have nothing.’ Life has a funny way of showing us what we need to see: handsome goes into rehab, but it’s your eyes that are opened.
I think because RD left for three weeks, because I was faced with him not being there, it being over, and having to rebuild in my own, when he came back I was still in that mindset (well it was simmering just below the surface.) So although it is clear I felt for RD, and understood he was going through pain, that sense of putting myself first was always there. Yes he contemplated suicide, often, his job would have enabled it easily, and that frightened me. But if he did not step up to the plate my sense of self preservation kicked in almost immediately and ‘step in front of a train or not’ that was his problem, not mine.
I totally understand how you feel right now, I truly do, and yes I do believe you have to have that conversation for you, because no matter how much you love him, you are all you have. Ourselves are all any of us have. And in the long run that will help you both. Big hugs, let it go. ❤️❤️
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. In retrospect, I believe a therapeutic separation would have been helpful earlier in this process. I admit that it seems counterintuitive … separating so you can stay together. Yet this has been so eye opening for me that I sincerely wish I had the awareness that I have now many months ago. I think we’ll be having the anger conversation and many others when he returns.
❤️
❤️❤️❤️♥️