I’ve relocated to my happy place in Massachusetts for the remainder of the Summer. I’m at peace here. It’s just me, my kids, and my mom for now. Handsome may come up later for some vacation. We’ll see.
Before we left home, a series of strange events started. Some may have nothing to do with Handsome. Or they might have everything to do with him. I’ll likely never know for sure.
About a month ago, an Amazon package arrived at our house. It was addressed to someone by the name of Chelsea R Kelly. I initially thought it was just mis-delivered, but it had our exact address on it. I figured that maybe someone just made a mistake in their ordering so I did the good citizen thing and called Amazon. They told me that Ms. Kelly – whoever she is – deliberately sent the package to our address, but that if I didn’t want the “gift” they would send me a return slip. What was in the package that came via UPS and cost about $8 to ship? A single box of Good n’ Plenty candy. I sent it back. We received about six similar packages, all from Ms. Kelly, in the weeks after. I just started writing “REFUSED” on them and tossing them back in a UPS box. (I would have just trashed them but I didn’t want it to appear that we had accepted any of them.)
Handsome pleads ignorance but has apologized if it has anything to do with someone he was involved with. Amazon wouldn’t tell me where this woman lives, but an internet search seems to show no one in our state by that name, but two women (I’m thinking mother/ daughter based on their ages) in a neighboring state about 45 minutes away. The rando that Handsome met online said she lived in that state. She also told him her name was Katie, but I’m guessing that was BS. Why might this woman have come back out of the woodwork 18 months later? Because bit$@es be crazy. Or he was still in touch with her. I don’t think that’s the case, but again, who knows?
Also, about a week before I left I walked into my office one morning and found an email in my work in-box from an anonymous mail.com account. There was no message. It had 2 pictures attached and one very short video. The photos and video were all grainy and poor quality and pretty clearly taken from multiple home surveillance cameras. The images were Handsome at work, talking to different women. There was nothing blatantly wrong in any image. He appeared to be at least 6-10 feet away from them. There were other law enforcement officers and members of the public around. Clearly the photos were sent to try to hurt him by getting me upset. It worked, but not in an obvious way.
As I was looking closely at the photos, something seemed weird about Handsome’s face. I thought maybe it was photo-shopped and then I realized what I was looking at. Handsome had a gob of chewing tobacco (dip) in his lip. Now, that might seem gross but not a terribly big deal, but to me it was huge. Long before sex addiction and infidelity became a part of my life, dip was something Handsome and I argued about and that he lied to me about. Multiple times. I never knew he used dip until about two months before we got married. I would get upset with him about it, he’d promise me that he quit, and then he’d get caught with a can and we’d start the cycle over again. He would never dare do it in front of me, but he did use it at work. It’s hideous and he actually had to have a biopsy on his lower lip right before DDay. After DDay, it was something he assured me he was giving up for good and that it would never be an issue again. It’s another big betrayal to find out that he was using it again.
Since then, I feel hurt, and yet oddly empowered. I’ve been abundantly clear that I’m not playing Wack-a-Mole with his addictions. It’s simply not happening. Also, quite clearly his integrity disorder is still in full (or at least moderate) swing. He’s been using dip for months and lying about it the entire time. I told him before he went to his therapist that he needed to come home with an actual structured plan for dealing with the lying. Instead, he came home with some wishy-washy “I need to treat it like work and run towards the danger” BS. I’m not hearing that. I told him he needs a structured and cohesive plan to address the integrity disorder or – if his therapist is unwilling – then he needs a new therapist who “gets” his addiction better and understands the role that lying and deceit plays and the harm it causes his family.
If I was home I would have told him to find a wee apartment and go figure out what he wants. My departure was planned for months though, so it just came at an opportune time. We had also planned for him to come up for a few weeks of vacation starting late next week. I have mixed feelings about that now. I’m not worried about him. I’m focusing on me. Will the next weeks be better if he is here, or no? I’m not opposed to telling him to stay home if that seems better for me. I just don’t know yet if it is. Today, I don’t have an answer. Hopefully one will become more clear in the next few days.
One other strange thing happened as well. The very day before I left I received another anonymous email at work. Whoever is sending these to me is clearly trying to hurt Handsome though me. It was an absolutely vile written message, accompanied by a photo that Fire Dude apparently posted of the Whore recently on social media wherein she looks like a complete and total… you guessed it… whore. Again, think skinny, meth head version of Mimi Bobeck from the Drew Carey Show, in a bikini top that she’s pulling down to the tops of her nipples. Blue eyeshadow. Greasy, stringy hair. It’s not hot. It’s literally quite revolting. She looks drugged and dirty, probably because she is both. Yuck.
Fortunately, I seem to have left the drama several states away. The first 2-3 days here I was still in high anxiety mode, but now I’m calm and at peace. I don’t think I’m ever quite mellow, but I’m as close as I can get right now. Last night I went to one of my favorite restaurants here. It’s where Handsome and I had our rehearsal dinner. It’s also someplace he appallingly recommended to the Flame the summer before DDay when she came on vacation here. Last night I didn’t think of that. I just enjoyed some awesome food with a ginger martini, a view of the ocean on a blustery night, and the sound of the waves in the background. No drama or strange things here. I’ve left those at home, for now.
I’m sorry BA.
I’m glad you are caring for yourself and are focused on your own needs and wants.
Thanks. I’m sorry too. It feels like a lot all at once. I’m glad to have some physical distance to help give me an emotional break.
I’d offer you words of encouragement but I imagine you are kind of worded out.
Lol… I just appreciate your support. I feel better just writing about it and communicating in our blogosphere.
❤️
Is there any way you could find out who is sending these emails? Could the IT dept at your firm assist?
I’m so anxious for you even just reading this post, how are you doing? I’m so sorry hun, I hate that you’re being taunted, it’s so unbelievable and unacceptable. Big hugs xo
I’ve blocked anything coming in from mail.com (fortunately I can do that using our spam filter without having to explain anything to the IT folks). I’ve also decided that I don’t really care who is sending them. At first I wondered for a few minutes, but now? No. I feel like the intention is really to hurt Handsome by using me. I don’t think that I’m the target. (If I am? Well… it’s not effective.)
I appreciate the hugs! I’m doing okay… surprisingly well, actually. Looking forward to the weekend!
xo
You’re incredible <3 enjoy your retreat xoxoxo
Sex addiction is so freakin’ messy. So glad you are off enjoying yourself! xo
I’m going to make the most of it! I’m very, very comfortable here. My house is very much a home, and not just a temporary spot. That brings a special kind of peace. ❤️
Well, the Amazon thing sounds like a scam. Here’s a link to an article, and there are a lot of articles out there about this very thing: https://www.businessinsider.com/people-receiving-amazon-packages-they-didnt-order-2018-2
As for the rest, it sounds like someone who understands that they can present you with something fairly harmless, and like with most horror movies, you’ll fill in the details to create a gruesome picture. I was far more disturbed they existed. Multiple surveillance cameras? Who has access to this stuff?
The dip thing is gross, I agree, and you need to sort it out with him, but recognize the way you may have learned about it. You’re playing into the sender’s hands. You didn’t get pissed about the women in the photo, but you did find another reason to get angry. Sender’s mission accomplished. I get that it’s a breech of trust, I really do, if he did it. Is there any way you’re wrong about the pictures? I would think if you’ve never smelled it on his breath, discovered a tin, or if he doesn’t seem to produce extra saliva all the time (something many dippers do) they could just be bad pictures. You said they were grainy.
If I were you, I’d give him a nicotine test, unannounced. They are part of almost every drug test available commercially. Some, that just test for nicotine, are only like $5. You can get them at your local pharmacy or Wal-Mart. If he’s guilty, he’ll test positive. If he’s not using, science will prove it, and vice versa. You won’t have to relying on bad pictures. If he is using, cross that bridge when you get to it. I’d just want real proof. I mean, there are plenty of grainy photos that suggest Bigfoot is real, yet every hair sample ever tested has come from another animal.
Try to enjoy your vacation and not let your mind run wild. We get so few nice weeks up here in New England, savor every day of them. And enjoy the heat this weekend.
I should have added it, but after I saw the pictures I went to his car, checked the glove box and found a tin. He also didn’t deny using it. In fact, it seems to have been going on since at least March. Disappointing. And, aside from the ick factor, it leads me to wonder whether some of his moodiness/ anger when we’re on vacation or his long weekends from work is really related to nicotine withdrawal. I had thought for 18 months that was a non-issue and thus not a factor. Apparently not. I’ve written here about how confused I’ve been at times about where the moodiness comes from out of the blue, but even casual nicotine use can have withdrawal symptoms.
Someone else had suggested the possibility of the Amazon thing being a scam too. My understanding though is that usually those packages come to multiple names and from multiple accounts. In this case they all bear one woman’s name and Amazon says it’s a legit account and that they are being gifted to us deliberately. Hopefully whoever it is and whatever their motivation may be I hope they’ll get tired of pointlessly spending the money.
I had to laugh at your surveillance camera question. I used to think the same thing. Some of the towns that Handsome works in are very low income areas. Almost each of the houses is geared up with cameras like the Medellin Cartel operates there. It’s crazy. We’re talking night vision, motion sensitive, server backup kind of stuff. He says it’s nice because almost everything that happens is caught in whole or in part on someone’s camera, but it’s just incredibly weird to me. It’s an odd allocation of income if you’re otherwise relying on government assistance. And I note that they seem to have had zero effect on reducing crime.
I am enjoying every minute of being up here, heat or otherwise. It really is my happy place. 🙂
Sending love, BA xxx
Much appreciated, for sure. ❤️
Just hold onto yourself, that’s all you need. Life will show you the way, you know I believe that. R ❤️❤️
I agree. The right path has a way of appearing when needed. I’ll figure it out. ☀️😊
I know you will ❤️
I’m sorry to read this post. I hope you get to spend the rest of your time in Mass. just like you started, with your mom and kids.
Enjoy the peace & love yourself!
Monica
Thanks Monica!
My guess is the Good n Plenty troll is Julie the Restaurant Tramp. The timing is too coincidental. If it we’re an old rando from 18 months ago why would they wait this long to show their ugly face? It’s got to be her.
I actually hadn’t considered that. It’s certainly possible as the first package came after we saw her. Hopefully she’ll get bored or run out of money.
Oh man. It just keeps on coming. I’m so glad you’re in a safe space.
If you lie about the little stuff you’ll lie about the big.
There’s a country song popular in Canada right now that’s kindof funny. It’s upbeat and poppish. I think it’s called ‘the way you lie’ look it up if you want a laugh….
Love you.
Yep, that’s exactly my fear. If he can’t be honest about the small stuff there’s little hope for the big stuff. We’ve had some long talks about this. Dr. Minwalla talked about how addicts often “scheme beneath a veneer of civility” and I see that. It’s a form of manipulation. My frustration is that Dr. M pegged this last Spring and yet Handsome’s doc mostly ignored the significance of the integrity component of the addiction. They spend a lot of time talking about Handsome’s FOO, which is fine, but not if he’s ignoring ongoing destructive behavior. Handsome likes his doc, but even he seems to have (finally and for real) come to the conclusion that he needs someone more aware of the components of this specific addiction who can help hold his feet to the fire and who understands the integrity component. I don’t actually think that Handsome has broken his sexual sobriety. I believe if that was an issue he would never have signed the post-nup. Nonetheless, I think he is still so accustomed to lying (mostly by omission) that it’s his go-to move if he’s uncomfortable or trying to act out his entitlement.
I just googled the song and read the lyrics. Oh my… “You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store.” I love it!
And I love you too!! xo
That is a whole lot of strangeness coming at you for sure, yet there is a calmness to your writing and I’m so glad you’re focusing on you.
I think I’m calm because of the physical distance and also because I realize that nothing that happened has anything to do with me, really. Someone trying to hurt him through me? I’m not the target, just the collateral damage. The packages? No matter who they’re from, still not me. The dip? That’s about him and his addictions and integrity (or lack thereof). I’m putting it all in the “that’s his circus” basket and washing my hands of it. I have better things to worry about. Like whether I’d prefer oysters or swordfish for dinner and what bottle of wine would be best. 🙂
Ugh…I’m so sorry that these things keep popping up for you. If it is a former partner of Handsome’s it just goes to show the depths trashy women will sink to. I had harassment and social media bullying after D-day and had to close my FB, get a new email address and I quit answering the phone. The “other woman” is the lowest form of humanity. Good for you for processing it and taking care of you. 🙌🏻❤️
Thankfully, I’m not on social media (my firm frowns on it, which is fine with me). Otherwise, I can’t imagine the onslaught of crap. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully my folks might crawl back under their rocks soon enough. 🤞🏻❤️
I’m amazed at how much our journeys have sort of followed a similar path. I, too, went through the strange things stuff, but it was all in the 2 months right after discovery. Finally had to get law enforcement involved and that stopped it cold.
I didn’t deal with multiple addictions, just multiple versions of the same addiction, and the integrity issue was huge. 18 mos. post discovery, I attended a prof conference out west and it truly proved to be a healing experience. It was in the fall, weather was gorgeous and I walked outside as much as I could, exploring the area. It felt so good just to be away from all the depressing sex addiction drama. The physical distance really helped.
You are doing what you need to do by focusing on yourself in beautiful surroundings. Enjoy every second of it. ❤️
It’s fascinating to me that I’ve seemingly come to terms with/ accepted/ mostly moved on from his sexual acting out but this integrity stuff is huge. I told him how pathetic I thought it would be if we end up divorced, not because of his addiction but because he simply cannot be truthful. Very clearly the integrity component has to be the focus for him moving forward. Without that there is no safety and trust.
Clicked “send” too soon…
The physical distance and separation has been restorative. I had a really full life before all of the betrayal and addiction stuff became a part of my every day existence. It’s lovely to get a break from all of that again and just feel “normal” for a few days.
We had two tornados nearby today, so it wasn’t the most calm of days, but I’m still enjoying the beauty of it, even in the rain. ⛈☀️🌈
From a man that has suffered infidelity … I feel for you.
From a man’s perspective, I implore you to question the whole psychobabble relationship industry. Out of self-interest, they peddle this sex-addict and fixing marriage after fidelity BS. Unfortunately we project what we want to believe and there are many charlatans, including Google can give us false hope. We soooo want to believe that infidelity can make a marriage stronger – Really???
Let me tell you ALL men are sex-addicts. It’s ingrained into our DNA. Real men control their urges to act like rabid dogs. Weak men that have committed to marriage and cheat deserve all the contempt they get.
A real man owns his actions and frankly after either partner cheats there is no going back …
Immediately cease thinking this is all about him. This is now about you and immediately start working on yourself.
My advice for you is to act like a man – take control of your life and break the dependency. Put an end this mental torture and gas-lighting. Stop allowing your emotions to control you, don’t be a victim and kick this SOB to touch.
I appreciate your comment. I don’t actually think that infidelity will make a marriage stronger. I do, however, think it’s possible that a couple can survive infidelity and -if they put the work in- come out on the other side with a new, healthy relationship. (The old, original relationship is over. You have to start from scratch or build on whatever part remains solid.) The infidelity isn’t the cause of the improvement. All the hard work the parties put in is the cause. The shame is that if the work had been done prior to the infidelity you might have gotten the same result without all the devastation of the infidelity.
I do, however, disagree completely with the “all men are sex addicts” line. Do men think about getting laid constantly? Maybe. I wouldn’t know. What I do know is that few men put their families, jobs, finances, and health at serious risk in pursuit of a lay (let alone a bad lay). Even fewer are compulsively driven to do so. And, it’s not about the sex. It’s about trying to fill an emotional void and self-medicate. That’s a far cry from some stud out to count bedpost notches.
It’s interesting to me that your perspective is that I’m dependent on my husband or that my life isn’t in my control. I’m guessing you believe that because I’ve stayed? (Maybe for another reason? Just hypothesizing.) I’m actually really fortunate that I can make that choice. And it is a free choice. As the primary breadwinner, I could walk whenever it suits me. I don’t stay because I need to. It’s a daily choice. If my husband stops doing the hard yards I’m gone. I’ve made no secret of that.
That said, I completely get why some partners leave and I honor their choice and strength to do so. It’s just not my choice in the moment.
Thanks for your response. With regards to reconciliation after cheating; if marriages have a 50 percent success rate, I wonder what the success rate of marriage is after taking back a cheating partner? I would imagine those odds would be rather slim? I rerally do feel for you and the ongoing mental torture that you may be experiencing? From my experience, the trauma that this brings clouds our decision making process. We believe what we want to believe and a coping mechanism is to divert blame away from the bad behaviour of our partner. We are too willing to give them a pass and believe ‘they are special’. And yes, of course men think about getting laid constantly 🙂