Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. Last year, I forbade any mention/ reference to/ acknowledgement of the day from Handsome. It was simply too much to bear. It was too soon.
This year, I thought I was doing okay with the concept of acknowledging the day in some way. Over the weekend my mom wanted to go to this fancy schmantzy jewelry store in the city to have work done on a ring. Handsome and I drove her and while she was handling her business I was checking out the Mikimoto pearls and Handsome was off looking at watches when the sales lady came up behind me and said, “Hey, I hear it’s your wedding anniversary this week. Congratulations! How many years is it?” (thanks mom!) I did the math and answered her and then the walls closed in around my brain. I have zero recollection of how, exactly, I extricated myself from the store. I seem to have “lost” about 15 minutes of time as the next thing I knew I was across the street in a shoe store. I don’t think I fled. I went on autopilot of some sort. My brain just shut down.
Our CSAT helped me drill down on the problem. We’ve been married for 14 years. For at least 5 of those years my husband was actively engaged in acting out behavior related to his sex addiction (initially emotional affairs, masturbation and porn, and escalating after two years of that to physical affairs, massage parlors, escorts, etc.). I am terrible at math, but 5/14 means that more than a third of my marriage was not much of a marriage. I was all-in and thought he was too. He wasn’t.
Her advice? Stop counting years for a while. Ignore the number and simply take a moment to appreciate each other here and now. That 5 year window is just too overwhelming for me at present. It may be for several more years. In the future, hopefully the “dark years” will get swallowed up by good years book-ending them on both sides. It’s good advice.
I don’t want to just erase those years from my memory bank because there are so many awesome memories from that time (our son ages 3-8, our daughter ages 6-11, my last months with my dad…), but it is still painful to know that my reality was being manipulated. I was real though, and so were my kids and friends and other family members. I rely on that to move forward.
I took the CSAT’s advice to heart. It did help. Stepping back and focusing more broadly on the big picture and where we are at right now was absolutely the perfect suggestion. Handsome seems to be in a good place at the moment. I am too (most days). Our kids are happy and healthy. Rather than focusing on the anniversary as a marker of the duration of our relationship, I’m choosing to look at it as honoring the first step in the creation of our family. That is something that I can be proud of and happy about. It’s something I can celebrate.
I absolutely agree with the CSAT and also you – you can’t just “forget” those 5.5 years, but you can remember the good times (perhaps the times that don’t involve Handsome) with the kids, family and friends, because you WERE real and you WERE fully there right along with them.
Eventually (as has happened with me), you’ll start to integrate the memories with Handsome and because you’ll have processed so much, some of the resentment and bitterness of feeling like you were duped during those times, won’t sting as bad.
To the public I say we’ve been together for 10 years when asked, but to him I say we’ve been together for 2 years (which hurts him, but, sorry not sorry). I still have memories with him pre-ddays, but we’ve only been in a real, true, honest, and intimate relationship for 2 years and those are the only years I feel he’s been invested in “us”. He doesn’t get credit for the previous 8. I’m not bitter about it – it just makes me feel better (and less bitter) to count the real years xo
Have a wonderful weekend beautiful <3
I completely get the 2 years versus 10. Like you, I would never say it in public, but I feel much more like 8.5 than 14. So I’m just not going to count until it feels safe and acceptable again.
I wish you and Mr. P a wonderful weekend too!
xo
muah xo
The end of June will be forty years for us. Forty. And only the last four have been infidelity free. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about it all yet.
I’m going to try your CSATs advice too. Trying to focus on the here and now, but sometimes it’s just so difficult.
Hugs to you, my friend! ❤️
I gratefully accept your hugs!! It is difficult Leigh. Truly. Handsome’s compulsive masturbation issues have existed since early on in our relationship (again, I had no idea), but I’ve kind of let that go in my mind because it’s really 2012-2017 where the wheels came off the bus completely. The CSAT’s advice helped me get through the week for sure. I’m focused on where we are today, not how long it has been. I hope that focus can be helpful to you too.
xo
I earnt a long time ago about the here & now. I had a man in front of me who was broken, had destroyed himself, and although I too was destroyed the empath in me couldn’t let me walk away. Hence I would sit in the car hating every fibre in his body, thinking back to what he had done to me, & then I would go home and comfort him. It never ceases to amaze me the strength we have. Have a mellow here & now anniversary & just take it for what it is here & now. ❤️
Thanks Moisy. We’re doing just that. 😊
❤️
Happy for you.
Thanks CR. The last 18 months have often rotted, but we do seem to be heading into better times. (Maybe that’s a dumb thing to say since they could hardly get worse.)
❤️
I’m having trouble with this too. The other day, my wife shared a memory of a video of our kids on Facebook. I saw the date of the memory and that was it, I refused to even look at it. This is a video of my babies, not her, and I can’t even look at it because of the time she filmed it. This is where I’m at right now with any and all memories during the dark times.
I can relate Jack. Our old babysitter send me occasional “flashback” pictures of our kids and, while they’re adorable and I appreciate the gesture, I’m always gutted when I see the date falls between ‘12 and ‘17. It makes me not want to look at the pictures. 😢
Just another of the many ways we are cheated when we are cheated on. The damage caused is massive.
Hmm, I thought I had commented here already.
You did… hectic weekend/ slow moderator here. 🤷🏼♀️ You should see it now.
Yeah, sorry, I got confused in spite of the fact that I moderate all my comments too. Brain not functioning at full capacity today. Lol
No worries. Same here. 🤣