Here in the US we are about to start the biggest week in horse racing in the lead up days to the Kentucky Derby. The Derby itself is called the most thrilling two minutes in sports for a reason, and the event is pure spectacle.
I have loved thoroughbred horse racing since I was a little girl, often watching the races on TV with my dad. We would place imaginary bets and cheer on our favorites. I don’t have a clear memory of Affirmed winning the Triple Crown in 1978 – but in 1979, Spectacular Bid was the first of many horses I’d watch capture the Derby and Preakness, only to fall short of the Triple Crown at Belmont. Attending the Derby was on my bucket list for a long, long time.
Back in late 2011 things were going well for our family. We had moved into our new home. I had switched firms earlier in the year and, in doing so, I managed to nearly double my salary and exponentially increase my daily flexibility. Life was so good that it felt almost surreal. As a bit of a splurge, I bought a box of seats for the 2012 Kentucky Oaks (the Friday before the Derby when the fillies race) and the Derby itself. I found a hotel room reasonably near Churchill Downs, and got our nanny to agree to watch the kids for a few days. The race itself was about 8 months away, but I was incredibly excited.
Of course, if I was going, I was going all-in. Dresses, hats, boxed lunches… you name it. I spent months getting my sartorial game on, and Handsome did too. We found him the most beautiful Ralph Lauren spearmint colored sport coat (classy and a bit over the top… perfect) for Derby day and got him a new classic navy blue sport coat, dashing pink shirt, and a beautiful pair of linen pants for the Oaks.
We secured great dinner reservations in Louisville and made arrangements to connect with friends. We turned the two days of racing into a long weekend get-away and spent countless hours preparing and looking forward to the first weekend in May.
That weekend was not without rain, but it was spectacular nonetheless. I hit the trifecta on the Oaks and the exacta on the Derby. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. When I think back on that trip, the first image that comes to mind is Handsome in that green jacket, and the resulting smile that brings me reminds me how much I was in love with him then. I felt like that whole period was the beginning of the wonderful rest of our lives, with stability, happiness, and financial security.
We shared our box with some young newlyweds and the wife told me repeatedly how she thought we were amazing as a couple. I thought so too.
I now know that Handsome was a few months into his first emotional affair with the Flame at that point. He was apparently texting or emailing her throughout the weekend, including when he went to the betting windows to place our bets between races. I would later learn that every sartorial choice I thought we enjoyed making together had also been run by the Flame for her approval. (Since her social media highlights photos of her full-figured frame in threadbare leggings decorated with pumpkins I’m not certain what expertise she has, but evidently he felt it was greater than mine.) Our travel arrangements were apparently also fodder for discussion with her. I had no idea.
I was so incredibly happy to be there WITH HIM, but apparently being there with me wasn’t enough to keep him from feeling a need for her. That’s an ongoing theme with Handsome: actually being loved by me or our kids has not been enough to make him feel loved. He looks elsewhere for validation and affirmation of his self-worth. I wrote down a quote once that seems to capture this phenomenon: “The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.” That was (is?) Handsome. That particular Derby weekend he seemed to have everything a man could want, a truly enviable life, and yet he still had a void inside him that led him to look for “more” elsewhere. Handsome is working on that, but I wish he realized back then what already had before he went and ruined it.
I’ll watch the Oaks and the Derby this year from home. I’ll hit the OTB parlor ahead of time and I’ll bet on my picks and cheer them on with my kids. I’ll sing along to “My Old Kentucky Home” when it’s played before the Derby. At the same time, in the pit of my gut I’ll be trying to fend off a mass of melancholy feelings as I’m reminded of that very first Derby trip. Maybe Handsome feels the same?
I think it’s important to remember that the void and/or him looking for “more” was not due to a void or lack within or of you – it was all in him. It’s also important to remember that these women never filled any voids because there were so many of them, and he continued to look for “more”.
A food addict gorging on 5 pizza’s in one sitting will still not be enough of a fill to bring satisfaction or comfort, and the addict certainly doesn’t appreciate the taste of their cheap substance of choice. You ARE and have ALWAYS been his dream girl and are most definitely more than enough – he and his lack within himself is what the problem is/was.
Those memories and your feelings of love were real, and they sound wonderful, warm and sweet. In time, I’ve been able to lighten the dark line of “before and after” of our life and it has definitely helped with the gut wrenching and angering “I was duped” feelings which obviously cause a lot of resentment. I bet Handsome looked so handsome in that green jacket a the event you so loved and lovingly planned. Hold onto that, your feelings and the events were real xo
Yes, that feeling of being duped is strong with me at times. I know that I was real and authentic in that moment (and many others), so on a day-to-day basis I generally hang my hat on that. It took about a year to get to that point – where I can focus on my reality of an event or period of time. It’s still hard to ignore the taint he created around special occasions/ events like this though. I’m sure that too will come with time and effort. I’m glad to hear that you are doing well with the blurring of the hard line of before/ after. That’s huge.
xo
It will happen for you too, the line is not erased just yet, but it is lighter xo
Wow, that quote hit home. I struggle a lot with my own memories of times I thought were good but now know my husband was in contact with her. There’s so much frustration with knowing that his life was made up of so many things he said he wanted, yet that wasn’t enough. And then to risk that happiness for what he did. Ugh. We’re four years along on this process and things are quite good but there’s a lingering sadness that I sometimes still define things in terms of before and after.
I’ve read your blog but this is my first time commenting. Thank you for sharing your story as it certainly helps to navigate some of the feelings I have.
Welcome, and thank you for taking the time to comment. I’ve been ruminating on this a bit this afternoon and, for me at least, I think the sadness comes not only from what was going on behind my back, but also from uncertainty. If you had asked me whether my husband was happy that Derby weekend in 2012, I absolutely thought so. I didn’t have the slightest inkling that he had a void within himself that he was trying to fill. Like you, I never imagined he would risk everything he did. The follow up question, of course, is “so how will I know if he gets to that point again?” Yes, I’m good at issue spotting his addicty behavior and calling him on it, but I saw none of that back then. There were no red flags or signs of trouble and yet my marriage was being assailed from within. That – and the effort it takes to believe in the realness of my experiences from back then – makes me sad, and a bit scared, too.
I know “that was then and this is now” but on some days it seems awfully fresh.
xo
Yes, the uncertainty. But I’ve learned from this that nothing is really certain. Unfortunately, I learned it in a really hard and painful way. I had blind trust in my husband after having been in several crappy long-term relationships. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when we met and I certainly wasn’t looking to get married. I wonder if my shock at how this unfolded comes from having built him up to be perfect because he treated me so much better than previous boyfriends. I was convinced he would never hurt me. He was a “good guy”. But that “good guy” also came with a need for constant validation of which I was completely unaware.
Without spilling every detail of my story in one post, his need for validation escalated from verbal affirmation outside the marriage, to pornography, to an affair with a coworker over the course of our marriage.
If I’m being completely honest, I have a hard time too with the addiction part in our particular situation. Was he addicted to porn? Maybe. Was the porn addiction what led to the affair? Maybe. Or was he just being a selfish ass?
He has worked hard over the past four years with therapy, lots of communication, and generally working to be a better person. Again, being honest, some days I resent feeling like he’s being congratulated for doing what he should have done all along.
And then I remind myself that I do so much better when I live in the present. But days this is still hard.
I can relate to every word of this. I also had no idea of my husband’s constant need for attention and validation. None. He seemed blissfully “normal” and not needy. I wasn’t looking for a guy who was a project. I wanted a guy who had his crap together and I thought my husband was such a man. Nope! The joke is on me.
And I understand your resentment. I’ve flat out told my husband that while attendance at SA is fundamental to our continued relationship, he should never expect applause from me for hitting sobriety milestones. I’m not going to high five him for abiding by his marriage vows and not screwing ho bags. Am I relieved when he hits those milestones? Absolutely. Should he be proud of himself? Maybe. It’s not for me to say. Am I patting him on the back for it? No way. There is no party in our household for not cheating.
Beautiful post.
What a thrill. I love how all out you went.
And I certainly understand the taint. We too, were that enviable team that people commented on. In fact, I am pretty sure my former BFF is actually somewhat smug that it went pear shaped. Her still surviving marriage looks so much better to her now. Not nice.
I do love SSA’s comments about the reality of your love. It is real. His shit does not take any of that away from you.
Have a great Derby/Oaks week. What are you liking? xxx.
Thanks Paula. Yes, my love was and still is real. I’m proud of that. I was always authentic. He has to live with the fact that he wasn’t.
Ah, the races…I like By My Standards, Maximum Security and Omaha Beach in the Kentucky Derby. I need to sit and really cipher the racing form. I usually don’t bet favorites, but I happen to actually like Omaha Beach so we’ll see. I look for horses with steadily increasing speed figures and solid past performances against contenders. I don’t really care if they haven’t won major races yet as long as they are improving against similar competition. The Derby is tough to pick with 18-20 horses, but if you hit it’s a lovely payoff. 🙂
Yasss! I also need to read the form, I don’t back favourites, either x
The theft of memories to me was one of the hardest issues to process. The monstrous fear of looking back and dissect old memories – where I was so happy and I thought we were so happy, but apparently not, and I was so blind to all of it – partly because it was so easy to believe that we’re good together and partly because he’s the most talented liar I’ve ever crossed paths with – so much so that I even joined paths with him. I admire you for doing this work, the hard work of discovering the realness of long gone moments. It’s the untangling of a particularly cruel mind game and it requires strength and bravery.on a more superficial note, that Derby weekend must have been epic in the moment!!!
“Theft of memories” is a great way to put it. I fight the urge to let them go completely (mostly because so many of them involve my children), but it’s hard when you thought reality was x only to find out later that it was y. Overall, I’ve come to the conclusion that his lack of authenticity/ truth needs to be his loss, not mine. I think of it as shifting that over to his plate and taking it off mine.
And yes, the Derby was epic. We attended 3 more times since then (all, sadly, while he was acting out) and I’m hoping we’ll go again next year. 🙂 Maybe it will help me take this memory back.
Oh do it, doing it with your new vision will totally conquer it back for you – I did this already with a couple places/events and am planning to do more. I hear you on the shifting it over to him – however in my mind he always knew it was Y, so it’s really me who is losing memories. He only had one reality with two dimensions, but I had no clue about the second side. So in my mind it’s not really a loss for them – he got to eat two cakes knowingly anyway. Same difference I guess – the key is that we need to do the work and revisit these – now scary – memories to gain them back
So much joy at simple things is lost when we discover a spouse’s betrayal. So many experiences that, at the time, we thought were one thing, are changed when we realize we were being manipulated and lied to. Time does ease the pain but does not erase the hurt. For me, making new memories by re-experiencing some of those things with a new, better version of Will has helped. Maybe another Derby weekend with a recovering Handsome can help when you are both ready? Good luck and big hugs, friend. ❤️
Thank you Leigh! I’m thinking that a Derby trip next year may be in order to help me claim this experience back. We went to the Breeders Cup at Churchill Downs in November, and it was lovely but just not quite the same. The Derby is a really unique experience. 🙂
I hope you do it! It’s so important to replace the ugly with the beautiful. ❤️