I wanted to write here about an incident that happened some time ago, but that I’ve been forced to revisit in the wake of DDay #1 and DDay #2. I have said that if you had told me before December 9, 2017 that my husband had a long-term physical affair, I would have thought you were crazy. That is true, but that’s not to say that I never had a period of doubt.
In the Fall of 2015, I had a work trip to LA for five days. It was a longer trip than usual by about two days, but it was across the country and I had two speaking engagements and a series of meetings and a few work events to attend. Handsome and the kids were at home. During those days, when Handsome was working, our kids were either in school or with our nanny at home. Our youngest was in kindergarten and our oldest was in 3rd grade. Handsome was home alone for several hours a day by himself while the kids were at school and the nanny was off at another job.
I got home late on a Sunday night and everyone was in asleep, so I just abandoned my luggage in our foyer and snuck into bed. The next morning was a jet-lagged blur of getting the kids dressed and off to school before I finally found myself with a few moments of peace in our bedroom. I was making the bed and I turned around and noticed… a packaged tampon resting on the window sill beside the bed. On my side of the bed. Aside from the fact that I haven’t needed a tampon in years (shout out to the Mirena inventor!! woot! woot!) it was neither my size nor my brand. It was unopened and appeared carefully placed there, at the edge of the window, closest to the head of the bed. It was, in fact, where you might put something if you wanted it close at hand but you didn’t want to put it on my very crowded nightstand.
This was post “Porngate” that I’ve written about here, and also post the first email incident with the Flame. I immediately assumed that Handsome had another woman in the house while I was gone. I took the tampon, found him in the basement watching ESPN, and flung it at his head while doing my best impersonation of a screaming banshee. I hurled accusations and he denied, denied, and denied. He seemed astounded, shocked. I wasn’t buying it. I did not believe him. I wanted to believe that he knew nothing about it, but he seemed to almost be trying too hard to convince me or, alternately, dismissive of the entire incident.
I later inquired of the nanny if the tampon might be hers (yep, that was an embarrassing conversation) since she was to have been the only other woman in the house in my absence. She was a lovely girl (completely and utterly unimpressed by Handsome so I wasn’t concerned that was an issue), but a bit of an airhead, and her response was along the lines of “I don’t think it’s mine, but I don’t know.” Now, the ladies out there likely understand that once you have a tampon you trust and rely on, that’s the one you are willing to go to three stores to find in your preferred brand/ size. It’s not something you switch up. I think she was trying to not get Handsome in trouble (even though I was the one paying her), but I was unconvinced.
Ultimately Handsome settled on the story that our cat, who likes to play with crinkly things, swiped it from the nanny’s bag and deposited the contraband neatly on my window sill. (Again, that pins ownership of said tampon on the nanny, and that is far from certain.) I never bought that story, although the cat was indeed in the midst of a streak of doing just those kinds of weird things. I would find the plastic wrap from a tissue box under our kitchen table, or a piece of foil on the stairs. The perfection of the placement though was always the nagging issue in my mind. It was tucked away on the sill, on a window the cat was rarely, if ever, on. Also, there were no teeth marks on it. None.
Handsome told me that he relayed the story to his buddies at work and lamented getting blamed for something he “didn’t do.” He laughed about it and acted as if I was crazy. The thing is, at that very moment I now know that he was in the midst of two emotional affairs and his physical affair with the Whore was in full swing. He may have been wrongly accused about the tampon (although I doubt it) but he was nonetheless guilty as sin at that moment. In retrospect I believe this was likely his best effort at gaslighting me.
Before my DDays I really wanted to believe that Handsome was truthful. I wanted to believe that my kleptomaniac cat just grabbed the wrong thing to play with and that it was all a big, bad coincidence. I never fully believed that – my logical brain wasn’t buying it – but I really wanted it to be true with all my heart.
Today, even after all of the disclosures and all of the therapy and the intensives, Handsome still insists that he has no idea how that tampon got there other than by way of the nanny or the cat. He says yes, he engaged in complete and utter shithead-fuckery, but that there was no other woman in our house while I was away on that trip. I want very much to believe that, but having been through what I’ve been through, I just don’t. I don’t think I will ever believe it.
I believe in my head and my heart, based on Handsome’s other behavior, that there was another woman in my house while I was away. I don’t know who it was, and I guess it doesn’t matter. In my mind, he slept with the Whore or some random anonymous skank in my house, in my bed, while I was off working. It’s basically the same thing he did last summer with Angel Baby (except they supposedly didn’t have intercourse, although I don’t believe that either). I’ve dealt with that to some degree, and I’m dealing with this by lumping it into the same pot. Do I wish that I could just believe him? Of course!!! He has 8 months of sexual sobriety under his belt. And for all I know he may very well be blameless as to this one instance and telling the truth about the tampon. But like the little boy who cried wolf he no longer gets the benefit of my blind faith and trust.
It’s his loss, but it sure seems like mine too.
At least it wasn’t the mini-series of the maxi-pad.
I don’t believe him either, but here’s my story. One day, at the beginning of my marriage, when my wife and I were living in a 4-unit apartment building, she was folding our clothes. She pulled out a thong of a very thin girl, and no one in our building fit that description.
She immediately jumped to the conclusion that I had somebody at our house and somehow their undies got left behind. For like two days she was treating me like I’d done something I hadn’t. Then we had a knock at the door. It was a girl of 18 or 19 who was blushing.
She had just come to live with her mother upstairs earlier in the week and she lost a pair of panties in the dryer and wondered if we’d seen it. My wife laughed, said we have them, and gave them back. All further interactions with this girl were awkward.
I felt vindicated, but could tell my wife was never going to return to the place she’d been prior to the thong incident. I was just a victim of circumstantial evidence.
Maybe the cat did it. Maybe he had another woman there. You can either believe him, or you can assume he’s still lying. If he’s still lying, can you just let that one go or does it tarnish his recovery, and your recovery as a couple? Do you think maybe there’s just one lie, one deception he needs to hold onto. Do you think by getting you to believe this story, it tells him that he still has some sort of control over you and over the situation? If he’s lying, why?
I love that the girl actually came looking for her thong… I’d have been so embarrassed that I’d have just let that one go. 🙂 Lucky for you, she had courage.
You pose good questions, as usual. I assume that there are things that happened in the midst of his addiction that I will simply never know about. I wouldn’t exactly say that I’m okay with that, but I’ve come to accept it. They aren’t obstacles, they’re just “things that happened and are known to the ether and which BW can’t do anything about.” Does it impact his recovery or our recovery if he’s hanging onto this lie (if it is a lie)? Maybe. It would be pretty contrary to his step work and our betrayal trauma recovery for him to hang onto a lie as big as screwing another woman in our marital bed. It kind of blows the whole “rigorous honesty” thing out the window. I’m patient though. I can play the long game. We’ll see if the story changes after working with our CSAT or when he digs more deeply into the steps.
I have a similar story. Many years ago we attended a Tina Turner concert outdoors. H left just prior to the concert starting to go to the concession stand. He never came back for the ENTIRE concert. His story to this day is he got lost. The venue was not that large as concerts go. Everyone was seated on blankets on the ground. You could easily see ppl who were walking around. I never saw him wandering around looking for our blanket and he’s over 6 ft tall. (This was before cell phones so no way to contact) I went to the concession stand at intermission and it was very straightforward, easy to find and I joke that I’m directionally challenged. That bothered me for years. Knowing what I know now, I suspect he hooked up with a whore. He denies it, but it’s one of those things that just doesn’t make sense. I’ve learned that if it doesn’t make sense it’s probably not true. H is coming up on a yr of real sobriety. (Not the fake sobriety he was in for 1.5 yrs) And as in your case, it really doesn’t matter. Who knows? SAs will hang on to those lies like a toddler with a security blanket.
“…if it doesn’t make sense it’s probably not true.” Exactly. If I had found the tampon on the floor or in another room or if it had teeth marks on it, the cat story would be more plausible. If your husband had come back at intermission or if you had seen him looking for you, his story would be more plausible. As they stand though, each story makes no sense. I believe my gut on this. If I’m mistaken? Well, right timing- slightly wrong sin. I don’t feel badly about it.
And I love your analogy to a toddler with a security blanket. It’s so very true. ❤️
I’m sorry, my reaction was likely totally inappropriate. But I had to laugh. In amusement, disbelief and sadness. xo
No worries Cynthia! It is, truly, a fairly ridiculous situation. It falls squarely into the “you can’t make this stuff up” genre. 🐱
I actually wonder if something happens to their brains, whereby they totally believe their own lies at times. That he really does not ‘remember’ this time he had a menstruating whore in your bed. I really think this happens. Selective amnesia. But hey, I haven’t done any research on it. Just a hunch. That he thinks he is telling the truth. When he probably isn’t? Not helpful. Just a theory.
In this instance I think he remembers exactly what he did/ didn’t do. That said, I’ve come to believe that when they gaslight us, they start buying what they’re selling. It’s as if to make the gaslighting more effective they have to go “all in” on the story. I’ve seen this with Handsome.
Here, if he’s lying, it’s because he’s too chicken to tell the truth since (1) he has supposedly admitted “everything” and (2) he recognizes that having a menstruating whore in our marital bed is a whole ‘nother level of malicious fuckery.
What he fails to recognize is that I couldn’t be any more betrayed, hurt, angry, shocked, etc. than I already am, so there is no reason not to come clean. Holding out only makes it worse.
Trickle truth is the most bizarre, torturous thing xxx
I read this last night and was shaking. I remember very clearly things happening without any explanation except extra- terrestrial intervention i.e. my flip flops missing but were replaced with flip flops that were not mine nor my girls. He swears no one was ever in our house and has no idea what happened to the flip flops.
Maybe I’ll blame the case of missing flip clops on the cat.
I, like you and so many other BW’s still have these ridiculous answers that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. And let’s keep in mind that we have answers/partial answers/unbelievable answers only to the questions we have asked. What about the events we aren’t even aware of because we haven’t asked any questions because we wouldn’t even know to because it’s so unfathomable to us?
I understand why you don’t believe him, and I wouldn’t either. I’ve had to believe my own version of the story in an attempt to let it go with the realization that he is still lying/covering up/omitting. It’s hard to do, because dammit we need them to say the words, to admit it, to apologize so that we and they can move forward with recovery in a genuine and transparent way.
Have you asked him about this event again recently?
I’m so sorry to have triggered you! I think I recall reading in your blog about the flip flops and yes, this is just that sort of thing. We’ve revisited it briefly this summer and he’s sticking with the “wasn’t me” story thus far. He makes the argument that he wouldn’t admit everything else and yet hold out on this, but I’m not so sure. It would mean admitting to multiple additional lies, and I’m sure that terrifies him, even though I don’t generally fly off the handle when he makes new admissions.
If I ponder the stuff out there that I don’t even know to ask about for too long, I start to feel ungrounded and ill. The degree of uncertainty is just too overwhelming. I’ve written before about how the question came to me out of the blue about whether he cheated when we lived apart before we got engaged. It had never, ever even occurred to me that there was any possibility that he had cheated then. And yet, lo and behold, he had, and he would have taken that to his grave had I never asked the question. I assume that there’s more out there like that.
I try to remind myself how far he has come and how far we have come since both DDay #1 and DDay #2, and there has been HUGE progress. I see that and I celebrate that. But it’s the elephants in the room like this story that I think are holding us back from even more progress.
❤️
Mr. P admitted to this with one of them:
having a 2 year sex and love affair
taking showers with her (but NEVER did with me)
going away for weekend getaways telling me he was golfing with buddies which included daily texts of how shitty he was playing
leaving me because he thought he loved her
Yet for months would not admit to going out for lunch with her, which I knew he did because I read his private SA workbook, but couldn’t tell him I did and he still doesn’t know.
He also admitted to sending and receiving photos with another one, but vehemently denied for months getting masturbation videos from her (again, I knew he did from the secret workbook).
He said the same thing, he would admit to the lunches and videos if they happened because he admitted to so much worse. There is no sense in their thinking except to protect themselves and avoid more admissions that cause us more trauma. It’s all lies about the lies. There’s so much more I learned from the workbook but didn’t even ask him about them, I can’t handle any more lies.
I agree, there are multi-coloured giant elephants in the room that are holding us back. How do we move past/around these elephants?
That’s just it… so often there are lies about the lies. And I feel as though there’s this weird, patronizing effort at benevolence involved. (“I don’t want to hurt her or cause her further trauma, so I’m better off to keep this gigantic secret [or the million little ones] even if learning it later would be more devastating. I’m sure I’m right because I know what’s best for her and I need to protect her.”)
I’m probably overly optimistic that our CSAT will help us start to work through this. I feel like he has an entire team on his side and yet no one whose job it really is to hold him accountable or to encourage him to come clean. (He has an SA sponsor – the Unicorn! – but I’m not sure that he’s making any effort to get to know Handsome in a way that would foster accountability.)
Your first paragraph – EXACTLY yes yes yes.
Good for you for being overly optimistic – I am as well. I really want to believe in him and hope he will keep himself accountable. That may be a stretch but when the rubber hits the road, only he can fix himself and keep himself accountable.
You’re clearly a very together woman and would absolutely be ok on your own, but I believe wholeheartedly you and Handsome have something worth fighting for. I’m here to support you in whatever you do, want and need xo
You are very kind. The frank truth is that I would be great on my own. I was for 35 years before I married him, and I would be again. I am fortunate that I am not compelled to stay by my financial circumstances. As the primary earner, I could leave today and things would be different, for sure, but they’d also be fine. Handsome knows that and it likely scares him. It probably should scare him a bit.
Similarly, he should have certainty that I deeply love him, otherwise I wouldn’t be sticking around. Why would I ever put myself through this if I didn’t love him beyond reason? I am not a glutton for punishment. I am not co-dependent. There are many things I filled my time with before it became all about recovery work and counseling sessions. But I picked him to spend the rest of my life with and 13 years ago I vowed to do that “for better or for worse.” And here we are.
Some days I feel like a crazy person for staying and working through these kinds of issues and other days it makes all the sense in the world.
xo
I can relate with each word you have written here. I am the main earner and I would also be fine and thrive without him. Heck, we’re not even married and I’m here for this worst, but will not stick around if this worst shows it’s ugly head again.
If I’m honest, I still waiver everyday about whether to stay or leave. I was at a dance club with my girlfriends a couple of weeks ago and a man started talking tome, asking if I was married and I told him I was engaged. He congratulated me and inside I was hesitant to even thank him. It was weird and I’m very aware of my hesitance, but I think it’s a normal feeling until I can feel and trust that he won’t hurt me in this way again.
Do you waiver on whether to stay or go?
I don’t think that I waiver per se, but I do doubt and second guess myself about my commitment to working through this with him. I know what the statistics are for SAs. I know the odds are stacked against us. The rational side of my brain tells me to run far, far away, but my emotional side tells me that Handsome can get his act together and be one of the success stories.
I also feel as though it will be crystal clear for me if it comes time to throw in the towel. Like you, I’ve drawn a pretty bright line in the sand. Relapses or “slips” are not an option. I’ve made certain preparations if that ever becomes necessary, but that’s mostly for my protection “just in case” and not because I’m planning on anything bad happening.
So, do I waiver? Not really. Am I plagued by self-doubt? Yes. It’s probably normal, but I still dislike it.
Ha, well you have a more expressive way with words than I! Yes, it’s not a wavering feeling, it’s more doubting my commitment and patience to the end xo
Oh damn, I hate this for all of us. The day the other woman called my phone I had SO many questions for my husband and it seemed like I kept asking and asking with no rest. It took months and months and not all things fell into place, but there are some instances that I have written about that were revisited numerous times. During the first year or so I really don’t think he even tried to give me the whole truth… and it really sucks. By the time I felt like I actually had the truth, I was so disgusted with all the lies that I just threw up my hands and said who the fuck cares anymore. But I did, for a while, care. Now I really don’t care. It’s tough enough dealing with the shit he still does on a daily basis that has nothing to do with extramarital cheating. I have literally told him some days I wished we could go back before dday because in many ways, with his medication/drug, he was easier to deal with. He seemed more “normal.” I know that’s not the case for everyone. But it is with my addict. xo
Good to hear from you CK! I think I’m in that phase where I still care, even though I know that hearing about one more thing (woman, incident, type of acting out, etc.) is unlikely to change anything one way or the other. I just want truth because I think I’m entitled to it so that I can be the master of my own narrative, rather than having it dictated to me, and because as I move towards forgiveness I want to know what I’m forgiving. I think I probably have much of the truth – I might even have the truth about the tampon (but I doubt it) – but there are still so many things kept hidden from me. Yes, I’ve dealt with outright lies, but it’s the lies of omission that I think disgust me the most. It makes me want to get in his face and remind him that I’m still here, still loving him, in spite of EVERYTHING he has done FOR YEARS. I don’t need him to kowtow to me for that, but I do need rigorous honesty in return.
I’m fascinated that you find that BE was easier to deal with before DDay. Handsome is indeed the opposite. He is by far (like leaps and bounds kind of far) more “normal” now, and since the anger issues are being addressed and he isn’t picking fights to justify his awful behavior, he’s actually really pleasant to be around most of the time. If there’s a rub it’s just the time suck of all of the recovery work for both of us. It’s so necessary, but it eats up an awful lot of time.
❤️
I totally get it. I got to the point where I felt like I had the truth and what I didn’t have was because he actually had forgotten whatever it was I wanted to know. It is a very long process.
I realize BE is different from many sex addicts. His drug truly medicated him on many occasions so that he could function in the rest of his life, or that is what he had convinced himself because he really did have all those balls up in the air. All of it took a huge toll on his health though. BE rarely exhibited anger before, but he sure does after. Without his drug, he is angry about things as simple as going to the grocery store. He basically sabotages the whole thing by purchasing the wrong items and then honestly, he blames it on me. I don’t really care about the actual grocery store items, just that he is so dead set on it being my fault that he is angry. I won’t put up with it. This is certainly not all the time and the way BE exhibits anger is by not engaging, not by yelling or any other aggressive behavior. He learned to shut down from being around his abusive mother and he learned to medicate really young.
Now he buries himself in work… and that is what my latest blog entry is about. And the saga continues… xo
I think there’s likely a strong link between being a workaholic and being a recovering addict. I touch on Handsome’s schedule a bit in my latest post. Prior to DDay 1, his workplace was the site of almost all of his acting out (I doubt much actual work got done) so of course he wanted to spend as much time there as possible. Now that he’s in recovery I think going to work and actually doing his job gives him purpose and structure, both of which help him avoid inner circle behaviors. That’s great for him, but that dumps all the responsibility for the rest of life ( 2 kids, pets, elderly mom…) on me. It’s hard not to resent that a wee bit.
❤️