In spite of the fact that I blog about my husband’s infidelity and sex addiction, I am actually a reasonably private person. I have maintained some degree of anonymity here, other than for those who have reached out to me privately with questions or those who I have reached out to on my own. I was taught early on in life that you don’t air your dirty laundry in public and that there are things you keep within your family circle. I was taught that this is true for both possibly good things (money, for example) or bad things (illness or scandal). I was taught that generally nobody cares to know your business and that those people who do generally have ulterior motives.
Handsome and I sat down today for our weekly check-in. I understand that there are schools of thought that the spouse shouldn’t ask much during these check-ins, but my personal opinion is that failing to do so defeats the purpose. My husband should not be talking at me, he should be talking with me about his addiction, its effect on me and on our family, and his recovery. I let him go through his check-in list, and then I ask a few questions.
Lying – more specifically, not lying (overtly or by omission) – is something that Handsome has to work on each day. He has spent the last several years lying to me daily. I have read that sex addicts are “relentless liars” and that was certainly true of Handsome. In the present, however, if Handsome is doing his recovery work properly he needs to (1) not lie, and (2) acknowledge any lies that are told. This means that some of our conversations are now more substantive than they were in the past. The “I don’t know/ remember” spiels are slowly getting replaced by answers.
Today, for example, in response to a question about what precisely he communicated with the Flame about every day for 3+ years, instead of feeding me the usual “nothing big, just day-to-day stuff” response, he said “Everything. Everything in our lives.” It turns out that he did indeed share every blasted detail with her. That includes everything our kids were doing, each of their illnesses, attitudes and academic highs and lows, as well as his health, my health, his job, my job (mostly how it impacted him), our travel planning and intimate details of that travel, and – of course – all about our married life. Mind you, he conveniently forgot to mention the Whore, Angel Baby, the woman he tried to date last summer, the porn, masturbation, Seeking Arrangements, or anything that might make him look bad to her, but everything else was fair game.
In sum, for the last 3+ years, my kids and I have had absolutely ZERO privacy. We didn’t know that we might as well have lived our lives on the front lawn of our house because every single thing we did or felt or experienced was being communicated to at least one person outside our family. I did not consent to giving up my privacy. It was taken from me and it was taken from each of my two children.
Things that should have never left the confines of our house were fodder for conversation with someone who is a stranger to me and a threat to my marriage. Arguments that I had with Handsome – if not prompted by her – were shaped, in part, from feedback he got from her. I wasn’t just dealing with his criticisms, I was unknowingly fending off hers as well. Our vacation plans weren’t just filtered through me for suitability, they were always run by her too, as were the kids’ extracurricular activities and decisions about their upbringing. Mind you, I have never met this woman. She has never met my kids (thank heavens) and she has never seen us together as a family. According to Handsome, he has only seen her in person three times in the last 30 years. In spite of that, she was apparently allowed and encouraged by Handsome to have opinions about us all, and he gave those opinions credence and sought her counsel… every.single.day. In the betrayal recovery world there is much discussion of walls and windows. The Flame did not only have windows into our life, there simply were no walls.
To be fair, I have a few friends and acquaintances, and I occasionally talk to those people about different aspects of my life, but never about anything that would be construed as a violation of trust if discovered and nothing that would cause embarrassment. The only person who has ever had that level of comprehensive detail about me or Handsome or our family is Handsome himself. Maybe the odd reason my marriage feels somehow more full and rich these days, in spite of the shit storm that has transpired, is that for the first time in forever it’s just the two of us. No interlopers, ghosts in the room, or extra people in the marriage. Together with our kids, we are a tribe, just trying to make it through the storm. We are a small tribe, for sure, but perhaps we can work together to build our family’s walls back up and regain our precious privacy.
Interesting, I had never heard of the walls and windows analogy until our last counselling session. It made total sense but also made me feel we were stronger just envisioning the walls.
Your walls are stronger and the windows are no longer transparent to outsiders. You not only have walls, but you have a fence around your house now too. I believe nothing or no one will ever be able to enter our houses again.
It’s so encouraging to see your objectiveness in all of this, I have definitely learned from you xo
Oh, I also find strength just thinking of the walls. And after they are all built and tall and strong…. we’re putting in a shark-filled moat just for good measure. 🦈
I just feel gross that our “stuff” was out there and shared with someone who had tremendous ulterior motives. It also makes me incredibly sad. Like… feel it with every single breath kind of sad.
And today, to add salt to the wound, he admitted that he started most of his texts with the Flame with things like “Hey Gorgeous” or “Good morning Beautiful”. I barely got much more than a grunt most mornings. I can’t help but feel like these trashy women got the better parts of him for a long, long time, while I got the crappy leftovers.
I get that all of this texting and attention seeking was part of his addiction. It just doesn’t mean that it hurts me less. I know you get that.
Xo
A moat, I like that idea 🙂 when we were talking about the walls and windows Mr. P got very upset at even the thought of anyone trying to come near our walls. I felt we were really strong in that moment and think of it often when I’m anxious about any further acting out.
Your pain and feelings are valid. I know that doesn’t lessen it or make it go away, but you are normal and not alone.
We did come second, but not to the other women. We came second to our men’s ego. His MO in saying good morning beautiful was ONLY for someone other than you to call him handsome because he already knew how you felt about him (and there was no rush in that). There is something so lonely, sad and broken with that.
This is what betrayal is and feels like. It hurts so badly and the violation makes us crazy. You are going to have little waves of shock, but also waves of calm. Accept them both. I’m here with you.
I hope your day today is better xo
I’m glad to hear that about you and Mr. P. I am heartened too by Handsome’s efforts at reconstructing our walls. It just doesn’t change the hurt from realizing how they were non-existent for so long. I feel like I’ve been walking around naked and everyone else but me knew.
I think you hit the nail on the head about the “good morning beautiful” and “good morning gorgeous” comments… his “hit” was the response he got from her. And yes, that is incredibly sad and lonely and broken. I see a lot of that in Handsome now. I never did before. This is a guy who has run into gunfire and burning buildings, so he’s strong and brave and has it together! (*she thinks…) Uh, nope. Not quite. He wasn’t ever that these last few years, and now he’s really raw and rather bruised. I am seeing the nakedness of the addict without his drug. It’s somewhat shocking.
Today is a bit of a better day, thank you. XO
I completely understand your feelings. I have felt resentful in the past because I was not allowed to speak about what happened to me to anyone except my therapist in order to protect my husband’s privacy. He specifically told me that he was angry that I revealed his secret to my brother and sister and a couple of close friends. So I felt complicit in protecting the secret life that destroyed me. It seemed very unfair. I also think he was talking about me and our family to his acting out partner which used to bother me a lot. But in hindsight I think it was good to remind her that we existed and she was the one who was “on the side”.
Now I can better understand where he is coming from. I don’t share details of his addiction,but I do sometimes speak in general terms about what happened. I have had to be careful about what I say and to whom, but it is now out of respect for him. He has worked hard on his recovery and rebuilding our marriage for the last 2 years and has earned that at this point.
I feel some of the same twinges of resentment. I don’t want to add to Handsome’s shame him by “outing” him against his wishes, but it pains me to be a keeper of his SA secret when he completely and utterly disregarded my privacy for years.
I’ve decided that I will not lie to anyone for him. When people have asked me what’s going on with him (his personality changes are noticeable as is the fact that he quit drinking) I simply deflect and refer them to him. (“Why don’t you talk to Handsome? It’s really his story to tell.”) Not everyone is happy with that response, but I won’t perpetuate the lies. There have been enough lies for a lifetime.
I’m so glad to hear that your husband is putting in the work on himself and your marriage. At 5 months of sobriety Handsome is a newbie, but he is working hard. This issue actually came to light because of his recovery work. (SA is just the gift that keeps on giving!!)
❤️
Another odious aspect of betrayal that is often not recognized or understood, but is a big one to add to the list of losses. It is such a violation of your soul to have your life completely exposed and privacy invaded by toxic people. I must say, though, that I like how you described your family as a tribe. That brings me an image of safety, security and protection. Working together for wholeness of the group. May you find that my friend.
Hi Cynthia! You always “get me.” It is absolutely a violation of the soul. If he wanted to have a conversation with an actual friend/ buddy about something like our daughter’s cancer scare, fine. But when you have that same conversation, perhaps more intimately, with your EA partner, it’s… sad, invasive, over-sharing, etc. If she isn’t a friend of the marriage, she is an enemy of the family. And enemies shouldn’t have that kind of inside scoop. I’m beyond angry that she knows my children’s names, let alone that she was privy to private information about them.
I love the concept of the four of us as a tribe too. It just fits. We are working together towards reconciliation and yes, wholeness. One day at a time.
❤️
I love your comment of SA being the gift that keeps on giving. Your post made me think of how there are so many levels of betrayal with SA, which translates to so many levels of trauma for partners. In my 2+ years on this “journey,” I have had several forms of trauma. Like finding out H brought a whore ( a true prostitute) to my home when I was out of town. My HOME. My sanctuary. The importance of self care cannot be stressed enough. I’ve become fanatical about self care. As I sit writing this, I’m waiting for a meeting to start. One person just wanted to let me know Athleta is having a 50% off sale. She added that it’s obvious I work out. Another commented on how rested I look. (I just returned from a mini-vacation.) Victories.
Those kinds of victories are my goals. I’m getting better at self-care, but it is an ongoing challenge. I decided a week ago to treat myself in some way each day. Just little things for the most part, but something I may not have normally taken the time to do. It’s helping.
I empathize with you about the violation of your home. Between what Handsome did in our year round house and what he did at our summer home, both places are tainted and dealing with that isn’t easy. They could have made so many other choices, it’s tough that they made such epically bad ones.
Cheers to more victories moving forward!
❤️