This coming week, Handsome will have 5 months of sexual sobriety under his belt. He will also pass two months of sobriety from alcohol. (He never relapsed with alcohol. He just stopped drinking completely a few months after he started his sexual sobriety.)
He has regularly attended SA meetings since the day after DDay #2 (when the addiction became obvious), and he attends weekly counseling without fail. He also flew completely across the country to attend an 8-day intensive program and he’s faithfully doing the after-care work required by that program. He started couples SA trauma therapy with me this past week, and he signed us up for an affair recovery couples weekend next month.
He sold the car that was the site of some of his misdeeds, and got rid of the mattress/ box spring that he slept on in my house with Angel Baby. He is making an effort to learn my triggers and to avoid them. He works daily to stay out of the “Man Box” and be a better husband and father.
He is not perfect. We still fight occasionally over the awful things he has done. He still procrastinates in his reading of recovery literature and in discussing some of his more problematic acting out. I know he wishes this would all just go away. (So do I, so we are aligned on that point.) I have lingering questions. He sometimes, but not always, has answers. He is still challenged to have emotional intimacy with others, including me.
Yet I struggle to think of a single thing that I have asked from him in our collective recovery that he has not done or tried to do. He is making effort. He is putting in the work.
We are not in the clear by any means, but I complain about him so much here that I feel I owe a bit of space to the small steps forward.
He’s making an effort .. and that says volumes. He is on this path with you towards healing. Baby steps. It doesn’t make it ok, by any means – but it is something to hang your hat on. Xo
Exactly… it doesn’t erase the bad acts, but I feel as though his sincere effort is worthy of being acknowledged.
❤️
I appreciate you sharing this offering of grace towards your husband and publicly acknowledging his efforts. Every small step builds on the one before it. And really, it is the small steps that become sustainable and life transforming. The big steps can make our heart leap with hope, but they can also cast the most doubt over whether or not the behaviour is sincere and will last. My counsellor taught me to watch for the believable behaviours that continue over time and show the true heart change. I have found them in the new, little, consistent ways my husband talks to me, listens to me, greets me, honours me. And together those small things have had a huge and profound effect on healing both of us and our marriage.
It is refreshing to read a post where the betrayed spouse has chosen to edify their partner, while at the same time not enabling the acting out behaviours or minimizing the pain they have created. Thank you.
Thanks Cynthia. I agree that the grand gestures often lead to doubt and – for me at least – some suspicion. It’s the day to day consistency that I find most assuring, even with small, seemingly insignificant actions. For example, while he was acting out he apparently texted effusive good morning messages to each of the women each day, while I barely received a grumble or acknowledgement at home. I have told him how much that hurt me and he has seen that pain. Now he makes an effort each day to say good morning to me and to each of our kids and, more importantly, I see him actively trying to help each of us have a good start to our day by being involved and helpful. The pain hasn’t magically vanished, but there are warmer, fuzzier feelings slowly being added back into the mix.
This is where we are today. It might change tomorrow, but as of today I feel like he is due some credit.