Handsome and I are almost four months past DDay #1, but since that disclosure only revealed a portion of the story, it is more relevant to say that Handsome has been sexually sober for four months and he has been actively participating in SA for a little over a month. He has struggled to find a sponsor, but is hopeful that he’ll have one after his next meeting. I admit to some frustration at how long Handsome is taking to find a sponsor, but I recognize that – given the extraordinary difficulty he has opening up to people – he wants to find someone he feels comfortable with, who will challenge him when he needs it, who remains married, and who has similar views about his spouse. Those things are important to him and thus they are important to me, because I think Handsome can really do well in recovery with the right people on his team.
It is also true that Handsome has not had a drop of alcohol to drink in a month. He and I agree to disagree for now about the significance of this. He admits that he drank way too much, but insists he was not an alcoholic. To me, there’s a lot of denial in that belief, but I admit that he did quit drinking cold turkey without much of a glance back at it. At worst, I get some grumbling when he’s having a meal that would have historically been accompanied by a beer (or four). Yet alcohol played a role in almost every single physical encounter he had with his affair partners, whether it was “pre-gaming” to drown out his conscience ahead of time, or pounding beers afterwards to dull the guilt and shame. Alcohol certainly didn’t help his mood swings or anger issues either, and his health had suffered as well. I also find it to be no coincidence that there have been zero (nada! zilch!) issues with ED since he stopped drinking. (Hallelujah!!) I feel entitled to this version of my husband. We had agreed to reevaluate his abstinence from alcohol in June, but at this point I’m sticking to my guns on the “no drinking” thing for the foreseeable future. The thought of adding alcohol back into the picture seems incredibly premature, and fills me with dread. Could he have a (singular) craft beer with a burger or pizza in 6 months? A year? Maybe. But he has a lot of damage to repair first before I’d even be willing to consider it.
I know that I’m still a newbie in this process – both as a betrayed spouse and as the wife of a sex addict. Nonetheless, most days I feel like I’m making progress addressing both of these new, painful, and unwanted aspects of my life. There are days when I absolutely resent and abhor what Handsome has wrought upon me and our kids. Strike that – I resent and abhor what Handsome has wrought upon me and our kids EVERY day, but some days I’m much better at dealing with it than others. And there are issues that plague me. Those are fodder for other posts, but I can now function throughout an entire day at work, actually be productive, and not collapse at home afterwards. I still cry often, but it’s less than it used to be. I’m gaining my sense of peace back at home. (Physically disposing of the bed that Handsome slept on with Angel Baby did wonders for that.) My appetite is returning as is my sense of humor. These are small things, and they aren’t exactly all consistent yet, but it’s a big improvement after where I was following DDay #1.
I’m learning… both things I never thought I’d need to know, and things I never wanted to know. I can articulate the difference between the co-addict model and the trauma model in a few sentences. I’ve explored with Handsome what it means to lust and what exactly he lusts after. I’ve familiarized myself with the 12 steps and have read more betrayal recovery and SA literature than I would have thought imaginable. My detective skills are honed to near Sherlock Holmes-like perfection and my spider senses are on high alert. As my young son would say, my game is tight.
Most importantly, my eyes are open. I do not think that Handsome and I have an easy road ahead of us. To the contrary, I know it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I want him to be honest with me, but honesty can hurt. I want him to change, but even change for the better can be difficult, especially if I am changing too. That said, four months in I can see some hope and sunlight in our future and that alone seemed too much to hope for immediately after DDay #1. I booked a Thanksgiving trip today for our family. I’m planning ahead – months out. My eyes are open, but I have hope.
It sounds like you are making great progress. It is encouraging to hear how Handsome is fully committed to doing what needs to be done. It is not an easy road, but sounds like you are headed down the right path. xoxo
Thanks Dolly. He’s trying. I’m trying. It’s a slog, but we’re working together. In many ways that’s better than pre DDay.
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I hate to admit but as we pass 18 months from D-Day, I can say with confidence we are in a stronger place that even in the beginning of our relationship. Our communication has improved unbelievably. It’s a shame that it took infidelity to bring us to this point. He is committed fully to our marriage and has gone above and beyond to do the work so we can succeed. It sounds like Handsome is doing the same. It takes time, be kind to yourself. I read some of my old posts and I have come light years ahead of where I was less than a year ago. xoxo Dolly
Dolly, you and your husband are inspirational. And I completely agree that it’s a shame that it took infidelity to get things flowing in a positive direction. I often lament that my husband never said to me “I’m not happy, let’s talk” or any similar words -five little words. Perhaps we could have jumpstarted that improved communication and avoided the entire crisis. Maybe not (who knows?) but at least we could have tried to sort out the issues before everything went to heck in a hand basket.
You guys are my “couple goals” for 18 months out!
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awww… thanks! I hope you get there before 18 months! xoxo
I too, am so encouraged to hear the hope in your voice and the changes both you and Handsome are committed to making.
It is a blessing that the ED is not an issue anymore to hinder the restoration and growth of your sexual intimacy. My husband has a health condition that makes this an issue, so that combined with the effects of my sexless marriage and his addiction leaves me continually discouraged, sexually frustrated and struggling to believe he desires me, and leaves no room for spontaneity and the ability to act on passion or desire. I know he loves me deeply, and I trust in his continued recovery and sobriety, but although we resumed sexual intimacy three years ago, in the last 1 1/2 years we have not had intercourse and I miss and want that oneness. It is the thing that keeps me not quite “there” yet.
Excellent action to dispose of the bed! These things matter. Continued blessings to you.
Trust me, if it was legal to have outdoor burning where we live, I would have torched the bed. 🔥🔥 (After DDay #1 I threatened to torch Handsome’s vehicle a la Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale if he didn’t trade it in immediately and voila! A new vehicle appeared.) I’m pleasantly surprised at how therapeutic getting rid of the bed actually was for me.
Handsome’s ED is still present, but without alcohol in his system, things either work naturally or with meds. Previously the meds weren’t reliable and he had not been willing to forgo drinking even though alcohol and Viagra do not play well together. (Selfish. Selfish.) While we were indeed having decent, not infrequent sex when his affair activity started in 2015 (contrary to what he told the Whore), the last year in particular – pre DDay #1- our intimate life was just crappy. Too infrequent – close to non existent- and too one-sided. I also felt discouraged and frustrated and struggled to believe Handsome desired me. He claims he always desired me and while I think he believes that, I’m just not so sure it’s true. Regardless, having read 12,000 text messages where he flattered the disgusting Whore to no end and expressed his desire for her, I’m still struggling inside my head to really believe he now suddenly again desires me. (“I am nothing like her, physically or otherwise. How could you want me if you wanted that?”) Mind you, he’s saying everything and doing everything to express his desire…. I just struggle with buying it. I’m working on it.
And although our intimacy has improved, some days that “oneness” is there and other days it seems fleetingly out of reach. So things are much, much better, but not totally right just yet with us either. Like you, we continue to work on it. As always, it’s very helpful to realize that these issues aren’t unusual or unique.
I always look forward to your comments, Cynthia!
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My therapist told me when I asked her how Mr. Perfect could want me when he cheat her with such unattractive women, that I’m trying to understand an addicts mind when even he doesn’t understand it. Alcoholics drink mouthwash, yuck, nothing to savor it enjoy. The women were just mouthwash, and that’s all, a shame filled and distasteful means to the escape.
I got rid of our bed too, and all his underwear, his duffel bag he took in weekend getaways, and whatever else I felt like. Out of sight, out of mind 😊
Glad to hear you’re doing so well and are going with whatever feelings this brings. Resistance = persistence!
Shit, sorry for the autocorrects!
The mouthwash analogy is so completely on point! I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it’s just sooo true.
And yes, cleansing the physical evidence of the betrayal is freeing. It’s like being able to actually throw away triggers. It’s awesome. If I had any idea what clothes he wore on his dates I would toss those too. 😉
I hope today is a great day for you.
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Yes, it is a better day, thanks to all of you. The supportive messages are soooo on point, I love and need them all.
Mouthwash right?? I try and remind myself that anyone in their right mind would never drink mouthwash. Mouthwash is drinking anything and these women were “just anything” willing, nothing special or beautiful or delicious. Honestly – they were even worse and were the generic brand of mouthwash!
You and I are the champagne xo
How are you doing?
You are so classy on this bumpy rollercoaster of a journey, I’ve nominated you for One Lovely Blog Award xo
https://sexaddictionrecovery820271549.wordpress.com/2018/04/10/one-lovely-blog-award/
Thank you so very much. What a lovely treat on an otherwise gloomy day! Hmmm… got to think of those 7 things…
xo
Ha! I had a hard time as well…I really only knew the colour of my hair this morning, but I actually thought of 7 different things!