DDay #2 was one week ago today. I cannot begin to articulate the feeling of finding out that my husband was juggling as many as four other women at once. In addition to me, of course… the ever present, always faithful, committed and supportive wife. Where else would I be, right? I honored my vows even as they were being torn apart.
There were a few severe comments to my last post that I did not – just could not – approve. More than one suggested that I “must have known.” I did not. I had absolutely no idea prior to DDay#1 that Handsome was in the midst of a three-year affair, let alone that there were multiple other women. He carried on the vast majority of his deceit away from me, our house, and our kids (thank heavens for the latter). His other life and my life intersected in only two ways that I know of over the last few years: he brought Angel Baby to our home last Summer when I was away, and he used his work weekends at our Summer home in Massachusetts to call, text, and sext these other women, defiling it in the process. Of course, I recognize all too well that time and money spent on the skanks means less for me and the kids. But I only know of those things now. We got the leftovers after he satisfied himself. I did not know that at the time.
Addicts are world class liars, and Handsome is no different. For the most part, I was on the receiving end of lies of omission. He didn’t tell me that he had a second phone or that Angel Baby was in our house or that he was in touch with the Flame, among other things. Those are material omissions, to be sure. But he also convinced himself that I wasn’t really in love with him and that he was isolated from the kids and from me. Even when he was with us, he has said he felt terribly alone and without worth. My previous three years were lived in relative bliss, whereas he lived in torment, even when he was surrounded by people who really loved him. Every day was a crisis that was soothed and released through this inappropriate contact with these worthless women. He shut us out, and told himself Oscar-worthy lies to justify his wrongdoing.
Handsome’s self-professed sobriety date for SA is December 7, 2017. He passed three months of sobriety a few days ago. I am glad for him and relieved that he is taking affirmative steps to fix his brokenness. He is attending 12 step meetings and going to therapy. Dr. Minwalla’s 8 day intensive for men is next on the horizon if we can get it scheduled. Handsome agreed to a polygraph which will take place in about a week. He is supposed to write a letter to the Flame and officially, formally end that contact. All steps forward, all on the horizon.
And yet as I stand in the background cheering on Team Handsome, being the ever dutiful wife, I’m wondering when it’s my turn to heal. I’m wondering when attention will be paid to the harm caused to me. Handsome texted me earlier and said “I have no idea how to apologize sufficiently.” That’s for sure, but it’s because words cannot undo actions. They just can’t. I’m tired of hearing “I’m sorry” because the words mean little to nothing in comparison to the gravity of Handsome’s conduct and the devastation wrought. I appreciate that he’s sorry and that he is willing to try to say so. It just seems rather pointless at the moment, just one week after DDay #2.
I can’t imagine the turmoil this is causing for you. Do have a therapist and close friends or family who can be of support to you?
I have an awesome best friend who is both grounded and supportive. She’s amazing. And way back in the day, after I finished grad school, I spent a few years in therapy to deal with situational depression. I’m relying heavily on the things I learned then (mindfulness techniques, etc.) to cope now. It helps.
Many days I hold it together pretty well. Then I stop to think about how many times my breaking point has been passed recently, and it’s crushing. I know this is not my fault (hey, I excel at placing blame where blame is due) and I truly believe that. Nonetheless, I freely admit to wallowing in a bunch of self pity on not-so-infrequent occasions. (Why is this happening to me?) Pre DDay me despised pity parties -I still do, I guess- so then I just get frustrated with myself. It’s a frustrating cycle.
I do empathize and understand. This is you going through the crud first in order to get to the other side where you can honestly saying it doesn’t hurt as much anymore and you’re doing OK. Use all the support you get to help you through.
Thanks Harley! Getting through the crud is exhausting. And maddening. And sad. I know and believe that he’s an addict, but he acted on that addiction and betrayed me. That’s the rub for all of us.
It’s a crappy club to be in, but I’m so relieved to not be alone and to be surrounded by supportive folks here in the blogosphere.
Xo
Oh dear, I hate to read about another one of us 🙁 I’m so sorry this has happened to you – it is truly the worst thing a spouse can do to the women who have been so good to them.
I am almost 1 year post d-day #2 when he revealed all of the women (he said 10 but I’m sure there are more) over the entire duration of our relationship via a suicide letter. I have good days as well, but damn, the bad days are hard and I’m having a bit of one today.
You sound incredibly strong and appear to be approaching this as objectively as you can i.e. it’s not you, it’s an addiction and all about him avoiding something or a feeling. These women are disgusting and it didn’t have anything to do with them either.
Please reach out if you need to talk 🙂 hugs xo
Spouse of a SA
Thank you for the kind words, especially on a difficult day. I hope to make it to one year past DDay #2 (and then 30+ years post DDay #2). Some days it seems feasible. Other days not so much.
I hope that the bad day passed for you and that today might be sunnier and more hopeful.
Xo
Thank you my dear, reading your blog has helped me remember I’m not alone (and neither are you), and these feeling are horrible but normal. You’re a wonderful and articulate writer xo
“And yet as I stand in the background cheering on Team Handsome, being the ever dutiful wife, I’m wondering when it’s my turn to heal. I’m wondering when attention will be paid to the harm caused to me.” This was soooo me in the first weeks. But then I went to a therapist trained in partner sexual betrayal trauma recovery, and it was a breath of fresh air to me. He validated my pain, and set me on a path of my own healing. When I asked my counsellor what I was expected to do to help my husband, he replied “Nothing. He does his recovery and you do yours.” It was so freeing. My husband wasn’t quite at a point to deal with the pain he caused me, but I was. There are many resources for the betrayed partner. It is your turn to heal.
I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way.
“He does his recovery and you do yours.” That must have been a freeing moment for you. I know that Handsome’s recovery is for him (he needs it whether or not we stay together), but it will benefit our marriage as well. With Dr Omar Minwalla’s 8 day intensive on the horizon and our affair recovery counseling, my own path to healing -as well as our healing as a couple- is becoming more clear.