To the extent my last post made it seem like I’m handling things with aplomb, I am not. In addition to being sullen and petulant, for the past two weeks Handsome has also been extraordinarily contrary. I am seemingly incapable of providing a correct answer or opinion to save my life. Everything I have done for the last two weeks has been wrong, apparently. This, combined with the HPV and my mom’s health issues, has taken a toll on me.
One week ago, Handsome and I had the worst fight we have ever had, hands down. I had taken my mom to the doctor that morning and it was a miserably unfortunate appointment. There was not an ounce of good news to be had. I drove her home and stopped to check in with Handsome. He saw me walk in the door and immediately returned to fixing his lunch without a single word to me. I asked if he wanted to talk (no kids around) and he basically said that he didn’t think there was anything to discuss. In hindsight, I should have seen the futility of continuing and I should have walked away.
I didn’t do that, of course, so we ended up in one of those fights where I ask repeatedly why he’s giving up and throwing our family away and he says that he doesn’t know what I want from him. It was ugly. Again, I should have walked away. I didn’t. I was convinced that if I just found the right mix of words and said them in the right order that he would “get it” and … well, you can imagine the foolishness and futility of that endeavor.
And then the argument shifted… almost imperceptibly at first. Rather than the vacant stare and shrugged shoulders and “whatevers” I started to hear statements filled with deep resentment. Things about how I’m trying to change him as a person and he doesn’t like who I’m trying to turn him into. (Um, yeah, you’ve been a selfish liar and a philandering addict and I’d very much like you to have integrity and empathy… my bad, as I thought that’s what you wanted too.) Statements about how not everything that happens to me is his fault (well, the HPV certainly is, asshole). Rants about how there is no point in him calling any of his SA or intensive support people because no one is going to tell him how to feel.
I asked him if he was more interested in protecting himself and his pride than he is in preserving his family. He looked at me with the dead-eyes stare that I’m sure you’ve all seen, gave a little, insolent shrug of his shoulders, and said “I guess so, maybe.”
I am utterly humiliated to say it, but I completely snapped. I lost it on him. If I could put my hand on it, I threw it at him… medicine bottles, a tape measure, the tv remote, his Kindle and phone. He made the mistake of passing by our son’s lacrosse stick, so I grabbed that and nailed him on the arm and shoulder with it before I fell into a sobbing, snotty heap in our foyer.
I cried because he’s biting off his nose to spite his face. I cried because he’s going to hurt our kids and he doesn’t seem bothered. I cried because they are truly innocent victims in all of this. I cried because everyone loves him but he doesn’t love himself. I cried because everything has gone to hell since I shared my HPV result with him. (why?) I cried because he has acted like the HPV is some burden I’m unjustly inflicting on him. I cried because he has broken me.
I never throw things. I think it’s ridiculously childish. I don’t tolerate my kids throwing things. I don’t hit people. Ever. I don’t recall ever hitting another human being in my life. (I don’t even like to point at people for goodness sakes.) And yet I hit him, beating on his arm with my fists. Did he intentionally provoke me? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think it’s more likely that he just grossly overestimated my ability to hold my crap together in the face of all of his insolence, and the other stress and drama.
I left the house to create some space and returned later and I apologized profusely for my behavior. I owned what I did completely. I did not blame him for causing me to snap. He said he deserved it and probably more. (Far be it for me to suggest that, but since he mentioned it… ) And in the days since then? More of the same detached, disinterested, woe-is-me behavior. He did call his sponsor that day. It didn’t seem to help. He had a chance to go to his preferred SA meeting on the weekend. He chose not to go. No journaling. No phone calls to his SA buddies.
Five days later, at our CSAT session yesterday, late into the hour, he referred to me as an abuser. Technically I did abuse him that day, even if it lasted for mere seconds. (If the shoe was on the other foot there would no doubt be comments suggesting that I get a protection from abuse order or get him into anger management counseling and the like.) He told the CSAT that I injured him. I don’t actually believe that to be true – he has absolutely no bruising or other visible signs of injury on his arms or shoulder (the only places struck by me or anything I threw at him that found its mark). He said that I didn’t apologize “enough.” He may indeed feel that way, but I did apologize profusely and sincerely and with great remorse. I gave him the kind of apology that I always hoped to receive from him. Unfortunately, he didn’t choose to hear it. As I have long suspected, he is not willing to show me the kind of grace that I have been showing him for the last 15 months.
I believe that an apology has three important parts: acknowledge what happened, express sincere empathy and remorse, and make some kind of reparation or atonement. With his own apologies, Handsome struggles with the second step and never manages to get to the third step. Ever. I am trying to make my way through those steps, not solely for him, but because they are important to me. They are important to my own integrity. That behavior is not who I am. (Or is it now? Have I really been damaged and changed that much? My god that’s sad if it’s true.) It is certainly not who I want to be. As easy as it would be to blame him, the years of Handsome’s acting out and deceit and manipulation don’t justify what I did. Explain it, perhaps, but not justify it.
Last evening was blessedly better as he seemed to be trying to get himself back on track. I noticed that he had taken his journals to work (where he normally writes in them) and he had called someone from SA. In a quiet moment I apologized to him, again. He cried and told me how sorry he is that I have to deal with whatever the HPV is going to throw my way. He assured me that we would deal with it together. I hope that is true. He made it to a meeting and came home visibly more grounded.
Was this a “rock bottom” event for us as a couple? I think so. I certainly cannot see myself – cannot allow myself – to sink any further. I cannot wallow in a miserable place. I need to rise, to be the person I was/ am/ want to be so that I can be the mom/ daughter/ friend … and wife… that I know I can be.
I have recently finished reading the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. Please get this and read it. I think you will learn that what you did is not abuse. He was not scared or feeling overpowered. His reaction is a form of controlling you so that you continue to feel guilt and he can get what he wants out of your marriage rather than you both winning. He is manipulating you. This book changed the entire way I see my husband and what he has done.
I have not heard of Mr. Bancroft, Amy, so thanks for the suggestion. I do think that he’s making some lame efforts at manipulation (the lax stick likely stung, but the pill bottle, phone, etc. I’m sure did nothing… and he hasn’t the slightest bruising or even redness), but it’s fairly transparent. I think our CSAT saw it for what it was. I was wrong, but he doesn’t get to extrapolate false equivalencies and milk this into eternity.
xo
We all do things and then wonder why we do those things. It just means you are human.
So much to add to this…
I need to think on this. I may borrow it for a post.
I am, for sure, a flawed human. I had a good talk with a dear friend today and she pointed out – correctly, I think – that I got sucked into the crazy. I believe I did a reasonably good job of handling things all last year, given what I was faced with out of the blue. I managed to cope. Somewhere in the last few months, I lost some of my individual resiliency and started to be more of a reflection of him. When he was doing well, so was I and when he was doing poorly I started circling the drain too. I need to stop that immediately and get back to focusing on me. Lesson learned. (A miserable lesson, but I got the message…)
Good lesson.
I’m listening to the Therapist Uncensored podcast and one of the MANY amazing things they taught me is: knowing you partner’s language of love is very important, but knowing their the language of security – their history and what feels like an alarm bell to them – [is probably more meaningful in navigating conflict]. What often happens is because they’re alarm bell is so different than ours we actually get angry and tried to convince them they’re being unreasonable.”
I was thinking of your husband’s response – and mine – when confronted with conflict.
Worth listening.
https://play.google.com/music/m/Dutdkwrwfr4d7wstdgixlpdz6qu?t=TU02_Brain_Science_101_How_Understanding_Your_Brain_Can_Improve_Your_Relationship_-_Therapist_Uncens
I’ll check the podcast out this week during my commute. 😊 It’s my only lengthy kid-free car time.
Yesterday, I was talking with my therapist about people pushing other people’s buttons until they get the reaction they need to justify their actions or to sabotage their relationships. I don’t think it’s a conscious decision most of the time.
I think you’re probably right, Jack.
Reading these two Ides of March posts was difficult. I’m so sorry you are going through so much with your health and your mother’s health. You are right to focus on yourself. xoxo
My mom turns 86 in a few weeks. I know my time with her is limited, even if these recent health issues weren’t so pressing. I need to get myself squared away again for me, but I would also like to be in a good place for her for whatever months or years we have left.
❤️
Sadly, reacting with physical violence is not uncommon in this “journey.” I have heard this from many partners in my support group. I did it myself early on (I slapped my husband across his face hard. Unlike you, I did leave a mark.) In all cases this behavior was against the values of the women doing it ( yes, all were women) and very much out of character. In my own case and in the other cases, it was a big warning that we needed help. When I acted so completely out of my values like that, I knew I needed to get help. Help for me, not joint help with the addict. My experience in couples counseling with a CSAT was the focus was on the addict, the broken child, if you will. Sometimes I felt invisible in those sessions, like neither the CSAT or my husband were listening to me. I think some of us can look so together and competent sometimes even a professional misses the pain. I was going to send this to you privately, but then I thought maybe someone is reading this who needs to hear it. There is way too much silence. We all think we are the only ones and it’s just not true. Take care. ❤️
You are absolutely correct Maggie, and I’m glad you posted. About 20 years ago I had a wonderful therapist for a year or two. The tools he helped me to develop are literally the reason I survived last year. He was old then and a bit ancient now, but I reconnected with him this week. He hears me and knows what it must have taken to bring me to this point. He had some terrific advice on how to better separate myself from my husband’s disordered thinking. I’m very, very glad that I reached out to him. ❤️
I’ve had just about enough of Handsome and his childish ways. How DARE he take advantage of your moment of weakness and use it to make himself appear a victim. YOU are the victim, my dear, of HIS abuse, and don’t you forget it for a second. If you need some in-person support, contact me. I’m dead serious.
I very much appreciate that, Mrs. P. He knows I’ve had just about enough of him too, which I think is the impetus for his efforts in the last few days to get himself back on track. Still working on that.
❤️
I’m so sorry. I cannot understand why you stay. He is hurting you emotionally and physically. He is clearly selfish and cold. He blames you and does not want to change.
People who do not want to change don’t. I am sober and have seen many come and go at AA. If they blame others and resent bring there they will not succeed. My own husband in in this phase. We are getting divorced. Cheating is just another acting out. More will probably follow. He also has no empathy, but is remorseful he is in trouble. Not enough.
You deserve so much more. He is not holding your family together. You are.
I’m sorry to be blunt. I have not read your blog. But this post makes me scared for you.
I stay for a number of reasons, but most simply because although we have weeks like this, we’ve also had long stretches of him putting in tremendous effort. I’ve seen him make huge strides with his emotional functioning. Is he “normal”? Nope. His efforts at empathy are grossly lacking, still, but he has improved other things about himself in ways that are noticeable to everyone around him. Add that to what, at the time of our DDay#1, was a pretty happy marriage with 15 years of history and two small kids, and there are things that seem worth saving.
The HPV is physical harm, for sure, but the reality is that I was exposed to it a few years ago. Probably between 2015 and the end of 2017 when he was acting out. It’s not new, just newly diagnosed. That’s actually, I think, one of the hardest things for my husband to deal with. He has been sexually sober for almost 16 months, but his acting out is still causing new harm. There are probably few other addictions with the potential for that kind of delayed harm. I’m not diminishing it, as it was completely predictable and preventable, but I do see why this has rocked his world. He just needs to get that it has rocked mine too.
❤️
I hope I didn’t offend you.
Before d day we had a wonderful life of 25 years and two awesome kids. I often wonder if walking away is the right choice…but it’s the current choice.
I’m not discounting those years. We had a great life. I wouldn’t change a thing, until now.
No choice is easy, I suppose…
No offense taken, honestly. The stay vs leave analysis is so tough and based on so many things. I reevaluate it constantly… sometimes hour by hour. Fundamentally, I believe that my husband is a good person felled by mental illness. Hopefully with the right supports he can overcome that illness. Only time will tell.
Xo
Hi, you my friend are human, as are we all.
All told in our story I gave Rich a total of 4 black eyes and a welt on his cheekbone! Is that me? Well I have a temper, but no. At times I felt such rage that if I had not let it out I think I would have spontaneously combusted. It’s just part of the journey, not who you are.
I was going to say that I thought he was acting out because the hpv was his fault. No messing: and he found that difficult to deal with so turned it around on you. Again, although an inappropriate response, a recognised response.
But this is the thing for me: Through all the things we go through, for our kids, our friends, the people who love us, and most importantly for ourselves we have to look after ourselves first: I learnt that all through life the only guaranteed constant you will have in your life, the only person who will always be there for you, is you. As part of that I believe that to protect our physical health and our mental health we have to like ourselves. So for example throwing things and hitting him is not the person you want to be, and you were sorry. But really you should be sorry to yourself first because that’s not who YOU want to be, not him. He was a major contributing factor to what happened and he needs to own that, not you. So when he said it at the counsellors that you abused him perhaps you should have said that back.
I know you want it to work, and I support you all the way; but please don’t lose yourself. It’s all you really have. Moisy ❤️
You are correct Moisy (as per usual). I do think that through much of my first 12 months post DDay I did a really commendable job of looking after and protecting myself. I knew that it was necessary for my kids, and just for my own well being. When that one year anniversary started to roll by, I think I shifted out of that self-preservation and protection mode. I’m not sure why (I should figure that out), but I simply can’t do that. I need to return to some state of detachment so that I’m not a reflection of how Handsome is doing and so I’m not on his emotional roller coaster (because matching emotions with an addict is a nightmare). I’m working on getting that groove back.
xo
I was going to say as well, that perhaps the outburst was the pent up emotions you have held in, and it was your subconscious way of making you let go. Many years later, due to work pressures & me biting my tongue I turned into the incredible hulk and had a semi breakdown. It was a frightening place to be, so sometimes let go, even if it is to follow walking the journeys path and throw glass bottles at a wall. Rooting for you, always. ❤️
Oh goodness, good for you for letting some steam in!!! I can’t believe he had the thick skin to refer to you as abuser! SHAME ON HIM!!! I know these addicts are little kids, but I so hope the therapist called him on out on this manipulation and complete lack of humility. Seriously. The rage, and anger is the direct cause of their actions, the hurt and pain they caused, and if he has to put up ONCE IN HIS LIFE (or four times!) with [light] shit being thrown at him AND at the same time he is not thinking about how INCREDIBLY LUCKY HE IS that you stayed by his side and instead of freaking leaving him you still fight, even if it means throwing shit, well, then, I don’t know. I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain, but don’t beat yourself up for raging a little – you need to release tension before it eats you up, and he might benefit down the line from actually seeing the pain he caused. Sigh. HUGS.