Late last month I wrote about how our CSAT tasked me to come up with a list of my needs. I drafted a list and asked for your input and suggestions, to add to my own,to take that to our next session.
Before doing so, however, I took A Reformed Cad up on his suggestion and asked Handsome to write a list of what he thinks my needs are at this time in our recovery. I can’t say that Handsome was excited about it, but after asking two questions about the list that I came up with (“how many things are on yours?” and “are they all emotional things or actions or both?” – the answers being 25 and both) he set to work.
Due to some scheduling snafus we ended up having to review the lists by phone, but I think it was a good exercise for both of us. There were 14 things that were on both lists from the start. I took that as a really good sign. It was also a good sign that Handsome said that he agreed with the 11 things I had on my list that weren’t on his list. Those items included things like healthy selflessness, patience, humility, contrition as well as other objective tasks like a post-nup and annual STD testing.
I was also heartened to learn that I didn’t disagree with any of the items on his list that weren’t on mine, such as:
– show initiative in healing
– friendship
– recognition and appreciation
– be kind/ random acts of kindness
– romance
– pride and support
– control anger/ no rage
– be Handsome 2.0
– keep making daily calls to SA and intensive contacts
Some of these things weren’t on my list simply because I didn’t think of them, and other things were left off the list because – while they would be lovely – they seemed to set the bar really high. Perhaps too high. For example, romance has never been Handsome’s strong suit. He proposed to me in our living room while we were eating pizza and watching TV. (Some of my more cynical self-talk suggests that this disappointment should have been a warning sign of things to come.) Grand gestures are completely foreign to him. I’m not even sure how he would define romance, but I thought it was sweet that it at least made his list.
I feel a bit the same about the inclusion of friendship on his list. Yes, I have dear childhood besties, but Handsome was clearly my best friend and confidant. I have said, not entirely joking, that I could never have had an affair because the first thing I’d want to do is tell Handsome. For the better part of the last 20 years he was always my person… my go-to. I do not believe that I was ever his best friend prior to DDay #1. In fact, I’m not actually sure that he ever viewed me as a friend. Being his girlfriend, then fiance, then wife seemed to have me in my own relational silo in his mind. I have often thought that if he actually viewed me as a friend he never would have done some of the acting out that he did. He is a pretty faithful and steadfast friend. I asked him point-blank once who his best friend was and he named a former colleague. (This was very early on post DDay #1, and of course I started to cry and he tried to back pedal on his answer.) I think he was completely truthful in that moment. All that said, I do think there has been a noticeable shift since his addiction was outed. As he has worked to heal himself and as he has focused on addressing his (emotional) intimacy issues in our marriage, I believe he has come to view me as more of a friend than he ever did before, yet he still often deals with me as though I’m out to hurt him, rather than as the faithful wife who loves and supports him in spite of his unquantifiable betrayal. It raised my eyebrow to see friendship on his list.
One other thing on his list – pride and support – made me tear up because it is yet another thing that I always assumed I had from him, not knowing what was going on behind my back. To my face he was always praising me and playing the dutiful, supportive spouse and yet I know now he disparaged me and tore me down to all of his acting out partners to justify his behavior. I understand why he did that (to keep the hits of their attention coming) but I am still sickened that it happened.
So, Handsome is now in possession of a roadmap of sorts to my needs in our marriage. The big question is what will he do with it? If it was me, I’d try to knock things off of that list with a vengeance to right the foundering ship. Handsome is not me, however. He gave some indications in our CSAT session this week that indicate that he’s not as “all in” as he claims, so we will have to wait and see. Only time will tell.
Wow. All the feelz. I was the same. If I had an affair, I would want to tell him, too! My bestie. I had no real filter when I was with him. Complete faith and trust. A man kissed me once, in our early years. And told him straight away. I was mortified. I had no idea he had already fucked a prostitute, etc….you tend to assume they have the same standards and morals. He said he did. He told me I was his best mate. Man, hate to see what he does to enemies!
I love this list thing, and the discussion and interaction that resulted, and will continue to result, from this. Keep going!
Thanks Paula! It’s a one step forward, two steps back, kind of thing (see my reply to Cad), but if I dig through the muck there is still hope. It’s just that on some days the addict brain takes back over and rational thought gets tossed to the wind. For sure, that addict brain used to be a very frequent visitor and now it seldom appears but when it does? Wow… How did I ever cope with that before??
I definitely thought that Handsome and I were operating from a similar set of values and morals. He insists that we were and that’s why he feels such shame and guilt now. Who knows for sure?
xo
What is interesting, to me, about the list is how much he recognizes what you need versus how you gauge his ability to be those things you need. I go through his list you posted and I think, “I’d never do that” or “I can totally do that!” or “I can get better at that.”
Because of where I am now, given the same opportunity with C, I’d take that list and tattoo it to the inside of my eyelids…or at least stick it on the fridge and ask the woman I love to put a star next to those places where she was getting her needs met and review it periodically together. This certainly would save a great deal of guessing and assumptive decision making. It certainly would enhance communication and vulnerability. Over a period of six or seven months I’d have a clear idea of where I am doing well and where I need to work…it would even provide a foundation for me to look more closely at why I am growing or stubbornly avoiding others.
I think of Gottman’s 69% to 31% ration. Right off the bat 69% of the relationship problems are perpetual and can slip into deadlock. No amount of relationship resource will solve them. The best you can hope for is to greet them with generosity, humor, and acceptance. The other 31% are solvable problems. To seriously oversimplify Gottman’s research, relationship master’s follow the 80/20 Rule, with 80% of the resource on solvable problems while relationship disasters spend 80% of their energy on perpetual problems creating gridlock swamping the 31% of the solvable ones.
I love how Alain de Botton write: “The thing is that love gives us a ringside seat on somebody else’s flaws, so of course you’re gonna spot some things that kinda need to be mentioned. But often the romantic view is to say, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t criticize me.’ Actually, true love is often about trying to teach someone how to be the best version of themselves.”
So much of my problem is a lack of skillfulness in intimacy and vulnerability. I hope someday I will find a Partner that can lean on my skills (because I do have them) and allow me to lean on them for theirs.
I’m pulling for you both!
I do give Handsome credit for issue spotting, which is not a small thing. Nonetheless, spotting the issue, saying you agree and understand what needs to be done, and actually doing something about it are very different things. Handsome is smart and he’s had enough therapy that he can talk a great game. When push comes to shove to actually DO something though, the wheels often fall off his bus.
On occasion his avoidance is unintentional. e.g. I was highly triggered by the Robert Kraft arrest and resulting media spectacle and Handsome couldn’t seem to fathom how or why, much less show any empathy, until he talked it though with multiple SA buddies. He finally, eventually got there, but it took several days to do so. It’s like he has to learn empathy from scratch.
On occasion his avoidance is intentional but lacking any malice. e.g. He still avoids making daily calls as a part of his recovery, (he might send a two word text instead of calling), but I know he does not intend to hurt me by doing so. He is making more calls than he used to, but less than he should be making.
And yes, on other occasions his avoidance is both intentional and mean spirited. e.g. After agreeing to it initially multiple times, he has substantially back-tracked about the post-nup, to the petulant point of declaring that if we divorce he will get himself fired so he won’t have a pension to divvy up or have to pay child support. If you met Handsome you would know that such a drastic, unthinking, unkind, bite-off-your-nose-to-spite-your-face position is not “normal Handsome.” Not at all. It is, however, addict-y Handsome. Our flabbergasted CSAT had to try to talk him off the ledge about the whole thing. She helped him determine that his issues were not with the document itself or with me and that they actually have everything to do with his FOO issues about loss of control and abandonment. I’m not unsympathetic to those issues, but they seem to be raised often when Handsome has a choice to make that doesn’t obviously benefit him. It is still the case that when faced with choosing between his own comfort and benefit and mine, he always chooses himself.
I am hoping that we can move forward and get to a point where we are both having our needs met or at least seeing that the other is consistently working on meeting them. We are very close to being on the same page, but we just aren’t quite there yet. I need to take solace in the fact that a year ago I’m positive that Handsome couldn’t have listed 3 of my needs (he literally lacked the emotional vocabulary to do so) let alone 14 of them. That is progress.
I’m not even sure now if I am commenting on your post, or your comments, but I am nodding my head recognizing where my husband has slid back in his recovery. It has been so subtle that I wouldn’t call it a relapse, but just the same, things have shifted. I believe if I asked my husband to make a list of what he thought my needs were it would be just as accurate, and maybe even more so, than the one I would create. He definitely has the head knowledge and knows me very well. It is the action, the doing, that is lacking. So we talk, and he agrees with me, and I talk again, and he agrees again. And then I wait. In our counselling session last weekend, the theme of the day was “laziness.” He is just really lacking motivation. We have both done a tremendous amount of healing, so he is ready to contentedly sit back and enjoy this comfortable place without doing anything more than he needs to do to maintain what we have gained. Problem is, it isn’t enough, and he either really is oblivious, or his laziness trumps any desire to keep moving forward. There just doesn’t seem to be enough benefit to him to finish checking off the things that would be on my list of needs. Maybe it is time for me to make him a little more uncomfortable.
Yes, yes, yes! Same thing here.
“ So we talk, and he agrees with me, and I talk again, and he agrees again. And then I wait.”
Yep. And Handsome KNOWS this to be true. He admits it as a failing. And yet he seems unable to DO anything to fix it. It’s as if there’s an invisible force holding him back.
I’m glad he has such a good idea of what my needs from him are. Truly, I am, because for so long he didn’t consider them much at all. Now we need to progress to the active stage of doing something about them.
I hope your session last weekend might have brought about some change for your benefit. I had you in my thoughts all day.
Xo❤️