Looking back at my session last week with our CSAT, it was pretty hard-core. We talked about Handsome’s lack of real progress in his recovery, how a physical separation might be necessary, how long I was willing to be patient for that recovery that may never come, how a separation might trigger a relapse, etc. etc. It was fairly doom and gloom. She met with Handsome yesterday, individually, for what I surmised would be something of a “Come to Jesus” meeting. She flat-out told me that if Handsome couldn’t find that turning point/ change of heart that he needs to move into real recovery, there would be little she could truly do for us as a couple other than helping to moderate the temperature of the relationship.
Imagine my surprise when Handsome returned from the session yesterday and reported that it went “great.” Did they talk about his lack of progress? Not in so many words. She recommended an intensive program in January for him. Did she raise the possibility of a physical separation? Nope. She told him that I’m at the end of my rope, but that’s no surprise to him. I’ve told him that point-blank at home and in our sessions. She had asked me in some detail about how long my patience would last and when a separation might make sense. She also told me she would need to share that with him. Did she? Nope. WTAF???? I lose sleep for a week and virtually none of what we discussed is actually raised with him?
I like and respect our CSAT, but I was ticked. I felt let down that she soft-sold her points, to the extent she made them at all. I felt like that played into his “you blow things out of proportion” victim mode (he did not say that, but he did question why I was so highly agitated after last week since there was “nothing really wrong”). I felt more than a bit misled. One of three things seemed to have happened:
- Handsome was minimizing and downplaying the session; or
- She had her own change of heart on how to deal with him in the last week; or
- For some reason she felt the need to scare the crap out of me last week.
I’m no shrinking violet, so I went to our couples session today fully prepared to ask what, exactly, happened either over the course of the previous seven days or what I was completely missing. I warned Handsome in advance that I was ticked because I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t mad at him. He knows me well enough to know that I would be frank in conveying my surprise at what I perceived as a turn of events.
So, today, I put my fancy suit for an after work cocktail party and as I’m driving to the CSAT’s office I’m rehearsing what I’m going to say (both because I’m a dork and I get unusually rattled in there). I decided to go with “I was kind of surprised yesterday when Handsome came home from your session and said that it went great. It doesn’t sound like many of the issues you and I discussed last week were covered…” and leave it open-ended. I couldn’t tell if she was surprised that Handsome shared his session with me or that I shared our doom and gloom session with him yesterday (See, we do communicate!! lol), but I think she was a bit unprepared for that. Handsome sat there during the start of the session like:
I jumped right in. I was calm, but collected. It turns out that what transpired was a mix of #1 and #2 and general soft peddling on her part. Handsome did, to some extent, minimize parts of their conversation. That said, she reconsidered some of her statements to me in the intervening days, so he didn’t exactly get the full impression of her concern. And she admittedly walked back her comments about essentially firing us if Handsome doesn’t make progress. I walked her through those again, in front of Handsome, so he could hear her concern – as it was told to me – from her. I think that was helpful because it showed him that I had not blown the comments out of proportion and that yes, she is looking for him to have a sincere and meaningful change of heart, and that we cannot heal without it.
Building off of that, I added that even though I love Handsome with all my heart, this faux recovery (love that term, Maggie) or dry drunk state, just isn’t good enough for me and that I believe the next step may very well be a separation so that Handsome can focus on his recovery. I needed Handsome to hear that from me, and I wanted the CSAT to hear me say it too, in no uncertain terms. Interestingly, after that, today was the first time that I saw what I think was real, honest vulnerability from Handsome in months.
It seems that there is something to this detachment thing after all.
Mrs P from formersexaddict here. Well, you already know my feelings on this subject. I don’t think she played you exactly but these therapists never have the balls to call these addicts out on their shit, so she was just weak. The addict gets to essentially hide behind Mommy’s skirt when push comes to shove. And she’s never going to drop you. She gets three regular visits from you….yours, his, and as a couple. She’s not giving that up. So in the end who’s left to do the heavy lifting? You. Typical.
Hey Mrs. P! It’s good to hear from you. I think the reason I was so surprised about this is that one thing I like about this CSAT is that she does call Handsome out on his BS. (Unlike his individual therapist that Handsome loves and who I find to be of little use, but that’s a separate post… ) She knows he lies and tries to image-manage with her and she has been great about flagging anything he says that makes no sense and trying to get him to see how his addict brain has distorted his reality. She hasn’t previously shown any inclination to feed into his minimizations. Just the opposite. That’s why this issue of the disparate messages was so distressing. Hopefully we have it sorted. At a minimum I know what I need to be wary of moving forward.
And I would completely agree with you on the likelihood of her dropping us if she got three time slots filled up each week, but it is only one. She is just our couples therapist. She doesn’t see either of us individually unless one of us can’t attend for some reason or we’re working on something (like Handsome’s disclosure… the underlying reason she met with us separately in the last week). Unbelievably, we live in a good sized urban area (big enough to support one of each of the pro sports teams) and there are two – yep, only two – CSATs here. One is brand new. Ours only works two days a week and her waiting list is months long. If I happened to be looking for a career change I’d seriously consider it because the demand is huge. She knows our spot would be filled before we hit the exit door.
I hope all is going great for you guys. Are you still surfing the mongering boards to stir the proverbial pot? The minimal research I did on those sites in the wake of our second DDay was eye opening. Nauseating, but eye opening. Like I told your husband, I can’t thank you enough for pointing me in the right direction on where to start.
xo
Our number two referrer to our site right now is Bestgfe.ch. The mongers used my “how to catch a monger post” to cover their tracks better. LOL. And every now and then they send us snarky comments. But we did manage to get one guy to seek help and quit. I’ll settle for even one.
Wow! From what I’ve read on those sites I’m beyond amazed that you managed to convert someone. If my husband wasn’t one of them I’d swear it was the personification of the proverbial “basket of deplorables.” Like you, I’m sure, Ive seen comments on there that I just can’t unsee. 🤮
❤️
Detachment is an essential and core principle for people in Al-Anon. Not one I’ve practiced well but none the less an important concept to remember.
…and interestingly her tough talk with you pushed you off center and gave you permission to say things out loud you already agree with but hadn’t said to Handsome before. Essentially it pushed you to take a risk, face the uncertainty, and be emotionally open.
Huh. There’s a word for that: vulnerable, and being vulnerable makes you courageous. Good for you!
You’re right. I probably wouldn’t have laid it all out there (at least not right now) if I didn’t feel compelled to do so in the wake of these mixed messages. It just seemed downright urgent that I clear up the point of whether I’m okay if the best I can hope for is the current status quo. Nope. I’m certain that I’m not okay with that and I wanted both of them to hear that frankly, plainly, and drama -free directly from me. It’s not as if I haven’t ever said it before, but I think the delivery this time was just different. It was less emotional, it wasn’t triggered by anything he did, and I think they both realized “oh, she’s not kidding.” It felt good to get it out there.
I do want to say one of the thing, cuz you know I always have something to say, *eyeroll*.
You wrote in your post that there is a fear that if you sent him away, for any reason, he may relapse back into his behavior, that is a b******* thing. You are no more responsible for his recovery then you are for his betrayal. That it would be a shity, disingenuous, and manipulative thing too late on the spouse.
Have a friend and when his wife left him he tried to kill himself. And his wife took him back afraid that he really would succeed next time.
You are completely correct. It wouldn’t be/ isn’t my responsibility. I think the message to me there was not “if you separate he will relapse and it will be your fault” but rather “if you separate you need to be prepared for him to receive that as overwhelming abandonment – because he is so very damaged – and he may relapse because his addiction has always been his go-to coping method.” I didn’t perceive it as putting the responsibility on me, but rather as a kind of warning that things might get worse again before they get better.
The hope, of course, is that all the work that Handsome has done would come to bear and that he would not act out. I think it was just a heads up that perhaps I shouldn’t put all my eggs in that basket.
All theoretical at this point, of course… he’s not going anywhere yet. 🙂
Seriously, consequences matter. I’m not sure I would have dug this deep if all my energy was focused on saving the relationship from me as opposed to saving myself from me.
BW, good for you for taking care of yourself. I admire how you handled that very confusing situation. As an observation of your experience and others, including my own, I don’t think sex addiction treatment has progressed much in treating partners. I think CSATs understand SAs very well, but the partner area is still somewhat experimental. Our CSAT as much as said this to me when he once walked back on some advice he had given me. We really have to take care of ourselves here!❤️
Thanks Maggie. It was certainly confusing. Handsome couldn’t figure out why I was highly agitated after my session, and I couldn’t figure out why he seemed so nonchalant. We both received very different messages. At least we were able to talk through it together and hopefully the CSAT took away a lesson on consistent messaging.
xo
I’m so sorry BW, being betrayed by yet again someone you trusted is very disheartening. I’m so proud of you for finding the courage and voice to put them in their places – that is incredible strength right there.
Are you considering separating? How does handsome feel about this?
I really hope you’re taking care of yourself xo
Hey SSA… good to hear from you. I’m not contemplating divorce. I am, however, pondering whether Handsome might be better suited to work on his recovery outside of our home. Again, it’s not that he’s done nothing or made zero progress… quite the contrary. It’s just that he seems “stuck” in his current state of slightly less than recovery – and I’m not sure he is much bothered by it. He says he is, of course, but saying it and doing something about it are different things. It’s on the table. I’m not hiding it.
There are plans for him to attend another week long intensive in January to delve into his family of origin and C-PTSD issues. Our CSAT thinks that will be incredibly helpful for him. We’ll see, right?
xo
I love how you are processing this and standing up for yourself xxx
Thanks Paula! We learn to watch out for ourselves, don’t we? Lord knows no one else is doing it. ☹️
Xo
I think that even though there were times I would have liked, or least not minded, if our therapist had told either of us things that had been discussed in the other’s individual sessions, that if he had done that, it would have made me less able to talk freely wondering what might leave the room. And how. And I would still assume that he would be bound by confidentiality, even though we were both his clients and did couples counselling with him as well as our individual. Maybe there was still a touch of concern from your CSAT about breaching some of that. But then, if that was the case, she shouldn’t have said anything at all without you in the room.
I know from my partner’s recovery support group that our counsellor has essentially fired clients who aren’t doing recovery and are wasting his time. He would rather give the spots to addicts and partners who are genuinely doing the work of recovery.
I also know of a few women who began with an “in house” separation before moving towards a therapeutic physical separation. Kind of a more formal detachment. Sometimes that has worked, and sometimes it isn’t enough. Perhaps something else to consider if it hasn’t been introduced to you.
In any case, I continue to marvel at your warrior spirit. xo
That’s an interesting idea Cynthia. I’d have to ponder whether I think it would be feasible for us (the in house separation). It is definitely worth considering.
Our CSAT’s approach, because she is treating us as a couple, is that she doesn’t keep secrets between us. So, for example, when Handsome disclosed the additional physical affair and use of prostitutes, she asked if I was ok waiting for the disclosure to hear it. I have never kept secrets from Handsome, so her openness works for me. It might be a bit more challenging for him.
❤️
The main thing with your CSAT’s approach to openness is that you are both well aware of it and have agreed to it. In that case, she isn’t crossing any professional boundaries with confidentiality. Our situation was different because we had one therapist doing three separate scenarios, (each of our individual plus the couples later on) so it would have been inappropriate to report on our individual sessions. Do you think your CSAT would have told you about the additional physical affair and prostitutes if Handsome hadn’t done it himself? Or, more likely, how long do you think she would have waited? She has a tricky balance to keep with both your interests. I guess that is why mine was almost extra cautious in what he said to us about each other. And as it was stated earlier, often it is the addict and not the partner that receives more of the attention and care. I was blessed that our therapist had a great understanding of the partner’s needs, meaning mine.
Why anyone would choose to specialize in this area is beyond me, but thank goodness they do because we need more qualified CSATs to help us all wade through the pain and muck. xo
Yes, he would have been expected to include it in his disclosure. Had that not been forthcoming she would have given him two weeks to tell me and then disclosed it herself if he had not. It goes both ways. If I told her that I had done something that Handsome didn’t know about, I’d either have to disclose it in two weeks or she would dime me out too. I pretty much tell him everything though, so the reality is that he’s the only one with secrets.
I am also grateful that people specialize in this field. It has to be brutal to sit and listen to these sessions day in and day out. I’m very grateful that they do, however.
xo