In the example in the photo, I feel like my happiness is the human and my melancholy days are the elephant. My happiness can (and for the last 10 months has on multiple occasions) shift in an instant, whereas my feelings of sadness are much more difficult to change. They tend to linger. It’s like trying to turn the Titanic. It will happen, but slowly and not in enough time to avoid the iceberg.
Handsome and I have been… fine since we got back from our trip. Not great. Not bad. Just… fine. My problem then? It’s not good enough for me. I feel as though I’m working really, really hard and achieving mediocrity. That’s not my style. I’m not bouncing back to happiness in the wake of our trip.
A few things have happened since I last wrote. First, I made it very clear to Handsome that while I support him and I’m always available to him I do not want to be his accountability partner. I tried to explain why. He said he understood and he walked me through his safety plan. It does not include me. I’m fine with that. Time will tell if he uses it and we’ll see if it works.
Handsome had his vasectomy last week. He was a miserable ass in the morning beforehand, but it went well and he’s off work for about two and a half weeks. Is it wrong that I slept really, really well that night? We won’t know for a few months whether the surgery was entirely successful but, assuming that it is, the reassurance that our kids and I do not have to worry about any unexpected progeny lifted a huge weight off my sagging shoulders. I take no delight in seeing him in discomfort, but with his history and the two kids recently born to his AP’s, I was more overwhelmed by fear than I had expressed. There are plenty of things that I still worry about, but Handsome has taken a big step to ensure that one comes off the list.
We did our check in a few days ago and Handsome is back to dodging the question about lies and secrets he is keeping. He says there are no more. After years of acting out, I’m reasonably sure that’s BS. I understand that he doesn’t want to sit and ponder his bad acts because it makes him feel like a turd. Nonetheless, it’s something Dr. M told him he needs to do. Our CSAT told him he needs to do it. Thus, in my book, he needs to do it.
I think my failure to bounce back is likely due to what happened on our trip (Handsome went back to his vices) and also all of the triggers that surround me this year based on what I now know was going on behind my back last Fall. When I was away at a work conference Handsome was texting and sexting like crazy and trying to have another hotel hook up with the Whore. I leave for that same conference today. The day last year that my in laws were to arrive to celebrate Halloween with us, Handsome spent the morning sexting and recording a masturbation video in our master bathroom and sending it to the Whore. A few weeks later when I went out of town for a work meeting for two days, Handsome was again sexting and texting and trying to hook up with the Whore before I had even pulled out of our driveway. Finally, just before Thanksgiving, Handsome sent the Whore a ton of text messages complaining about cooking for the holiday and devaluing and diminishing me. Their exchange which, frankly, probably pisses me off more than any blow job, went like this (crap grammar/ punctuation is all theirs):
Handsome: I get off at 7:30 in the morning and then I have to cook. 🙁
Whore: No you don’t REALLY?
Handsome: REALLY
Whore: WTF!!!
Handsome: Exactly
Whore: Why????
Handsome: Just the way it is.
Whore: That’s fucked up big time that pisses me off
Handsome: You and me both.
Whore: You work all night you should be able to come home take a hot shower go lay down for a bit and eat
Handsome: Not if I want to eat.
Whore: Is that every holiday
Handsome: Yep
Whore: Does she cook at all?
Handsome: Lasagna @ 3 times a year. That’s it.
Whore: I have no words. What do your kids eat if your (sic) not home
Handsome: Babysitter cooks [note from BW – As to dinner during the work week when I get home from work between 7:30 and 8:00PM, he’s correct. All other meals, including holidays? Not hardly.]
Whore: So everyone cooks but not her wtfh
Handsome: Lots of pizza lately because I have been saying F it no wonder I’ve gotten fat 🙁
[note from BW – Riiiight Handsome… it couldn’t possibly be the case of beer you’re downing every 2-3 days, your failure to exercise (because masturbation isn’t exercise), or your disdain for healthy foods… it must be the failure of your lazy bride to play chef for you… .]
Whore: Does she work
Handsome: Yes
Whore: As much as you
Handsome: No
[note from BW – That one word response still makes me want to throat punch him, almost a full year and a shit ton of counseling later, as I contemplate my 50-60 hour+ work weeks and what I bring to the table economically and otherwise for our family. What an absolutely delusional bunch of bullshit.]
Whore: I’m sorry handsome That’s just messed up in a lot of ways Wish I could cook for you so you wouldn’t have to
Handsome: Me too
***
Three days later the Whore’s husband found her burner phone. Had I known of this exchange prior to Thanksgiving last year, I would have kicked Handsome out so he could celebrate with her. She likely got a free turkey from the food pantry and her fraudulently obtained food stamps covered the rest. I’m sure it would have been delightful for him to eat with the drunk, pill-popping, child abuser in her filthy house with 22 cats running around. Yum.
This year? We’re going to Williamsburg for Thanksgiving. If he thinks I didn’t cook before, try me now.
I don’t know, do humans really bounce back from anything? We aren’t rubber balls able to rebound as quickly as we descend. It feels more to me like crawling, climbing, clawing my way back up. And yes, I do get there. Past the mediocrity. I do experience positive emotions like joy and peace, but seldom are they pure. That sadness seems to linger still, just below the surface. Like the iceberg. I am hoping that when we are able to build mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy that sadness will dissipate. But until then…..
I also made the decision to not be my husband’s accountability partner. I have never regretted the freedom of not being entangled in that aspect of his recovery.
I hope you are able to enjoy your conference and time away. May it be kind to your soul ❤️
Oh yes, Cynthia… I surely do the crawling, climbing, and clawing too. Sometimes the mist clears and I feel better. Not great mind you, but better. (One could argue that it doesn’t take much to feel better than roadkill, but let’s not quibble.) It just hasn’t happened yet this time.
I’m looking forward to a few days away. I need to engage in some self care, by myself. Maybe a bit of peace will be the restorative balm I need. 😊
I always love and appreciate the layer of wisdom your sense of humour adds to your words and resilient spirit. I’m glad it remains through it all. You consistently make me smile. Now, find something extravagant and peaceful to make you smile. ❤
Crying for you, but also laughing at your GIF 😉 you’re hilarious 🙂
All of this is so painful for many reasons, mostly I imagine it’s the injustice of him lying about you to some one toothed whore, while you’re working your ass off for him and your children (and that is ALL you were doing).
He knew it wasn’t true, you know it’s not true, and who fucking cares what she believed/s. Handsome/Mr. P. would have lied to a hole in the wall if they believed it could give them what they felt they needed to fill that cup that could never be filled because it had a hole in it.
He was making up a story that had nothing – NOTHING – to do with you for the sole purpose of getting his drug of choice (power). Drug addicts lie and say they’re hungry but they will actually refuse offers of food and demand cash.
Handsome/Mr. P. were no different, it’s the addict MO. Addicts are liars, that is a fact.
I know the next few weeks are hard for you, we’re here to support you xo
p.s. – please share your lasagna recipe!
Thank you for the boost! The extent of the delusion still takes my breath away sometimes.
My lasagna recipe? It’s a family treasure. It was actually published two years ago (in my daughter’s 4th grade fundraising cook book, lol). It fairly closely matches the recipe on the San Giorgio pasta box, except mine is made with love. Ha ha!!
I think your failure to bounce back to happiness is pretty normal at this stage. Recovery is hard work for both and there are no short cuts that I know of. Counseling helps but it still comes down to doing the work. Just like a personal trainer at the gym can guide you and show you what works but you still gotta do the work. I would be worried about you if you were all happy and cheerful and saying how wonderful and amazing everything is with your suddenly cured SA husband given all that’s happened. 😏 It takes a while, as in years, to put the devaluing in perspective. The truth is most (all?) SAs devalue their partners in order to justify what they do. When you see the devaluing in black and white, and it’s just not true, it hurts. My husband wrote to a skank that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in his marriage. Of course he wasn’t telling me that and later in counseling he said he never wanted to leave the marriage, not for a minute, he was just recruiting an AP. I came to see it as part of this whole sick disorder that is actually a brain disorder. But it stuck with me and pissed me off until I worked through it. Good for you for refusing the accountability partner role, and good for you for insisting on the vasectomy. You deserve the peace. 😊
Thanks Maggie. There’s no fear of my husband being perfect anytime soon (lol 🤣). He’s trying. It’s more than some SAs do, but he’s just still pretty sucky at certain things.
I’ve been really stung by the devaluing… diminishing… that Handsome engaged in regarding our kids and me. It would be bad enough to diminish me to someone who I might view as a peer. To diminish me to his skanky harem? Grrrrrrrr… it’s infuriating.
From what I know, after asking the obligatory “but what about your wife” question, none of his APs gave us much of a second thought, but he would make these sob stories up to garner sympathy. I’ve asked him point blank why he did that. Why he would make mention of our kids, or me, if no one was asking. Why not just leave your family out of it? He has no real answers, of course. At the end of the day he would have done (and did) just about anything to act out, including talking smack on his loved ones. I intellectually understand that it was all done in furtherance of the addiction, but my emotional brain still takes it very personally.
I’m still working on finding that peace.
❤️
I had the same question, “Why bring me into it?” That worried me so much bc I saw it as an act of hostility. I thought how can we heal if deep down he resents me that much? We talked about it with his shrink last week and the shrink explained that I was brought into it bc I was never out of it. He never wanted to replace me or forget about me. I was always the most important thing even when he was acting out so he had to bring me into it. The shrink acknowledged that it doesn’t make sense from a logical point of view but the point was he did want me and he had to bring me into it even if it was negative and not true. Hearing you say your husband also brought your kids into it makes me really think the shrink is on to something. I mean, why devalue your kids?
I’m glad the shrink acknowledged it makes no sense. It’s baffling. “I’m going to mention these people because they matter to me, but you, Skank, won’t like that so I will only speak ill of them.” Is that the theory? 🤔 That’s just so very f’ed up.
I’m not sure I’m buying it. I see it more as a completely pathetic grasp at sympathy and the skanks bought right into it. (“Oh, you poor dear with such a wretched home life! Look at my boobies and vajayjay and feel better.”)
Maybe it’s a bit of both? 🤷🏼♀️
I know. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it, too. The shrink said, “You were brought into it because you are the most important person, the best friend, the lover, the most significant other. I was like, “But, but he was bad mouthing me to a whore!!! Why???? Why bring me up at all? If the point is to escape and medicate then why?” The shrink said it’s not logical. It’s emotional and he wanted you there. He never wanted to escape you. Bringing you into it was a way to keep you in it. Sort of like when someone keeps talking about their ex.
I know, it’s a reach. But, maybe it’s why firm boundaries work. If they’re that afraid of losing us… Something to think about.