I am feeling terrible today… for my husband.
I vented here for a few months about Handsome’s apparent inability/ general delay in finding a sponsor at SA. Yes, he’s sober, but not working the steps. I would nudge him regularly about finding someone and he would assure me that he was trying and remind me that he wanted to find the “right” person. He was, I thought, perhaps waiting for a unicorn to fall into his lap. He had very specific and seemingly well thought out boxes he wanted the sponsor to tick:
- sober for at least several years
- has worked through all 12 steps
- still together with his wife
- speaks highly and respectfully of his wife/ women in general
- makes intelligent/ good comments in meetings
- smart and confident enough to call Handsome out if/ when needed
- experience as a sponsor
March passes. Then April. Then most of May. And then Handsome finally identified his unicorn. I have a feeling it was akin to asking a girl to prom, but Handsome got his nerve up, asked him to be his sponsor, he said yes, and we were -I thought – in good shape. The guy ticked every single box and had been regularly attending the meeting Handsome thinks of as his “home” meeting. I very literally breathed a huge sigh of relief when Handsome shared the news.
The sponsor called Handsome a few days later, suggested reading material and a step book, all of which Handsome eagerly and dutifully obtained, and they had one other call a few days after that. And then… nothing. Crickets. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It’s as if the guy fell off the face of the Earth.
Handsome was initially worried (the first few days of no contact) that he had somehow committed some sort of faux pas. I don’t think he did. He would only call each day as requested and leave a message along the lines of “This is Handsome, please give me a call back when you get a chance.” Days later, we hypothesized that perhaps the guy was just incredibly busy with his professional job. After a few more days passed Handsome actually googled him to see if there were reports of his untimely demise. Nothing. It has now been three weeks since last contact.
Handsome is trying to brush this off, but I know he’s taking it personally. This might sound strange, but I’d actually feel better if he was outwardly angry about it because then, at least, he wouldn’t be shoving his feelings down (eg. how we got here in the first place). It is incredibly difficult for Handsome to put himself in a position where he has to rely on another person. He went out on a limb here, only to have it sawed off at the tree.
I’m angry on his behalf. If it turns out that his sponsor was in an accident, experienced a sudden grave illness, or was eaten by a bear, I’ll forgive him. Otherwise, even if he has relapsed, shame on him for not at least replying to Handsome to say “something has come up and I am terribly sorry but I cannot be your sponsor.” Who leaves someone hanging out there who is so relatively fresh to disclosure and seeking help through SA? It is, I think, a very shitty thing to do.
Some might say that turn about is fair play here for what Handsome did in the first instance, but I don’t see it that way. He has done just about everything I’ve asked him to do in our/ my recovery efforts. I see the work he is putting in daily. I see the huge changes for the better in his personality, outlook, and mindset. He is TRYING mightily, even if one or both of us gets frustrated from time to time. I know he was committed to starting his step work and to progressing through the steps. He had the best of intentions here, and it just sucks that someone else doesn’t seem to have taken it as seriously.
So, I’m going home to hug my husband today. I’m going to remind him that he is worthy of being loved and cared about and that he matters. And I’m going to suggest that perhaps he consider a zebra (or even a horse) instead of a unicorn.
I never tried to get a sponsor, per se, in SA because I did that routine in AA and found that while I really appreciate most of the 12-step concepts, I knew the overall structure of the program wasn’t one I was going to adhere to on my road to recovery. I made a close friend and he helped me with a lot of great conversations. I had two AA sponsors in one year. The first was a great dude, but unfortunately 3,000 miles away and the second turned out to be a flake.
Here’s the important thing…I wouldn’t have got to 4.5 years in recovery any faster. The time/space continuum wouldn’t allow it. Sponsor or not, I’m sober, I’m healthy and I’m content. Did I need a sponsor to get here? Apparently not. And I don’t think your husband necessarily does either. If he dragged his feet that long looking for the unicorn — which I think is actually OK when it comes to something this important — maybe a sponsor isn’t as big a part of his recovery as you think it must be. While it is your recovery as a couple, it is his recovery as an individual, too.
I could be wrong. The hope of getting a sponsor could be the only thing keeping him straight. But ultimately, a sponsor doesn’t keep him straight. A sponsor just guides the way. If your husband in the kind of guy who can follow a trail on his own, don’t lose faith that a sponsor is the only way to his recovery. When a guide goes walking off into the woods after losing the map…he’s not the guide you really wanted to follow. Consider it a blessing he left so early in the relationship.
The only other thing I will say is that based on my experience in multiple SAA groups, sponsors there seem to be pound-for-pound flakier than those in AA or NA, but that’s probably just my observation with little basis in fact.
I hope things work out in this arena for both of you. I think you’re going to be fine and do well.
I appreciate the perspective. I thought a lot over the weekend on why this matters to me. I think it’s two-fold. First, it matters to Handsome and if he thinks it’s important, I’m on board. The other reason is more self-centered, frankly. At the moment, I’m the only person Handsome is accountable to and that is a tough position to be in. The only parallel that I can draw is that if I call out my tween daughter for something, I am often automatically wrong because it is coming from me, her mom. If, on the other hand, a disinterested or neutral third party told her the exact same thing, she would think it was profound and insightful. Handsome being accountable to me is fine when things are going great, but if I need to call him out on some BS, it’s hard. I’ve had a few times where I’ve thought (and probably said out loud) “if you had a sponsor and said this to them, they’d tell you how far off the reservation you really are.” For that reason, whether its a sponsor, an accountability partner or just a reasonable buddy, he needs someone other than me to talk to. Perhaps your close friend served that purpose for you. In some cases I suppose that one’s shrink might serve that purpose, but I’m not sure that Handsome’s doc sees that as any part of his responsibility.
If the SA sponsors are a flakier bunch (and you are not the first person I have heard make a similar comment), then I hope a sponsor isn’t a huge part of his recovery. I know that Handsome has a good bit of self-motivation and he’s been doing okay so far. I have no reason to believe that won’t continue.
I do like the analogy with your daughter, and it’s absolutely true. My wife has expressed as much at times, but I’m not sure if that’s an addiction or a general “men are children” thing. But it’s for this exact reason you can’t be the accountability buddy.
With SA, I found most of the meetings to be about guys who felt like they weren’t getting laid enough so either felt guilty about masturbating or cheating — or more likely got caught masturbating or cheating, and attending meetings was their punishment.
Much like Edward Norton in “Fight Club” I tell people to find whatever group they like. There’s really not much difference between any 12-step group. It’s more about the people. I feel like I got more out of a handful of Cocaine Anonymous meetings I went to with a couple friends in California and I’ve never touched the stuff. It was just a cool group of people I enjoyed being around and had the same attitude toward recovery I did.
You’re so wonderful BW 🙂
It is indeed a very shitty thing to do, but also clearly a blessing in disguise. I’m glad it happened this way instead of Handsome potentially needing acute “help, I’m leading down the path of acting out” support, and not getting any.
Again, Handsome is so lucky to have you xo
If he was in danger of acting out and called this guy, I do wonder if he’d get a return call. We shall see. The unicorn reappeared with apologies this weekend. I’m nervous and skeptical, but we’ll see how it goes. I’ll reserve my judgment for another week or two even though he wasn’t ill, in an accident, or eaten by a bear. 🙂
I’m so sorry for you both. Dead space is such a terrible feeling when you have reached out to someone for support. I hope the next person he chooses as sponsor is up to the task x.
I know it was a herculean endeavor for Handsome to ask this guy in the first place. That’s what makes this so sad, to me. I’m hoping the second time is the charm.
xo
The sponsor’s behaviour is abhorrent. That is a really shitty thing to do to anyone, but especially someone (aka Handsome) who is being vulnerable and taking a risk with his heart. I know that was a really big step to swallow his pride and ask someone to be his sponsor. My heart sank for both of you reading that. I think it goes to show us all that the magical unicorns in this world still have flaws. I hope he is able to take that risk again, but yes, on the reliable zebra or horse this time.
Handsome’s list of criteria isn’t unreasonable. But to me, some of them are more important than others. From my experiences in my recovery group, and from what I know of my husband’s, I would say the ones with the most wiggle room are the sober for at least several years, has worked through all 12 steps, and has experience as a sponsor. These things do seem to indicate a solidness and maturity, but that isn’t always as important as the man who is diligently dedicated to his recovery and eager to walk alongside other men. Someone who has some experience but is still invested in their own recovery and excited to see other men succeed. It’s about the progress, not perfection.
I’m still shaking my head in disbelief that an addict who has worked the 12 steps could possibly be so flippant and irresponsible with a new member of the group.
I’m with you, truly. I think some of the flippancy/ irresponsibility “may” be an intrinsic part of his sponsor’s personality. Maybe. He’s in a career where having a god-complex is practically a given, and I fear he may be fairly self-absorbed. (He feigned to be unaware of the multiple messages and texts Handsome had sent him.) On the other hand, Handsome doesn’t need a babysitter or a constant hand-holder. He just needs someone to review his step work with and to maybe bounce some things off of. If the guy can do that, fair enough. I’m not certain this is going to work out, but I figure that we’ll know soon enough and Handsome is more than willing to consider a reliable zebra or horse the next time around.
And yes… progress, not perfection. 🙂
I know that it is very difficult to find sponsors in this program. There is simply not enough long term sobriety among the ranks to be able to find a person who can show another person the way and hold them accountable. In my husband’s home group of 30+ people, there are a couple of people who have 5 or more years, a couple of people who have 2-5. Everyone else is relapsing on a regular basis. It is tough.
My husband has participated in an AWOL group which follows one of Patrick Carnes books and works through each of the steps. It is about a one year commitment and is in addition to other meetings (usually takes place just prior to one of the regular meetings). This can be a good alternative to a 1-1 sponsor as the group takes care of each other.
Also my husband started a weekly accountability meeting for a group of guys to get together and talk about how they might have struggled during the week and what they did to address it. It is an opportunity to ask for help.
Sometimes traditional sponsorship just doesn’t work, but there are other avenues that might be helpful. Good luck to both of you.
Thank you for sharing this. Handsome doesn’t talk about his home group much (which is fine) so I don’t know what the relapse rate is or how many guys have long-term sobriety. I wasn’t aware that other avenues like the ones you suggested might even exist. I’ll ask Handsome whether there are any such groups where we live.
It sounds as though your husband is really putting effort into his recovery, which is truly great to hear. Taking the initiative to start the accountability group is a big positive step. Something like that is exactly what Handsome needs.
xo
Sadly, a lot of new sponsors start out eager to help only to realize that by being a sponsor could, in fact, make them fall. And in order to protect themselves fall away without a word.
It is hard to find a sponsor/accountability partner that will do what is required. It is, however, easier to find, as you put it a zebra to walk with you as you both go through it together. The bond grows deeper and you gain much more than just a sponsor…you gain a brother.
I appreciate your perspective as the concept is still new to me. Well, not the concept I guess, but how it’s actually supposed to work. I know that Handsome wanted to find the “perfect” person and I certainly get why he felt the choice was crucial. Thus the disappointment. I understand that his unicorn reappeared at a meeting over the weekend and apologized and re-committed to the endeavor. If it doesn’t pan out, Handsome says he has a few zebras and horses in the stable just in case.
😊
Thanks Maggie. I appreciate this since it is a reminder to me that in healing each of the “sides” are often more aligned than we might initially believe. I think your idea of an ideal sponsor and mine match pretty closely, and Handsome’s is similar as well. And yes, apparently there are a number of men in Handsome’s group who express some fairly negative thoughts about their spouses or marriages and that has just not ever been us. When Handsome processed dissatisfaction to his APs it was in furtherance of getting some addictive hit in return. When he thought he was unloved and unhappy, that was his self-pity addict self trying to justify his conduct. He knows now that none of it (that negativity) was real. So he too believes that -for him- a happily married addict is what he needs. We shall see if his unicorn pans out.
May I ask, is it typical/ not unusual for the spouse to have the ability to communicate with the sponsor? Like you, I would never bug the guy, but it seems like something that might come in handy.
❤️
I don’t know if it’s typical for a spouse to communicate with a sponsor. I had a very specific question about a certain situation and I told my H I wanted to talk to his sponsor about it. H said “ok”and called his sponsor. Sponsor said to H, “If I talk to her, I will tell her the truth about what she asks.” Sponsor and I had a nice chat. He knew about the situation I was asking about and said he completely understood and supported my need to know. He couldn’t have been nicer. He reassured me and didn’t make me feel like I was crazy or intrusive. I was so glad I talked to him. It’s been so hard for me to trust H. This actually helped build a little trust because Sponsor knew about the situation and he verified What H had told me.
Thanks Maggie. I’m glad the possibility of that outreach was available to you when you needed it. And now I won’t be afraid to at least ask about the possibility if I feel it’s somehow essential.