When You Can’t Catch a Break

To be clear, the guy in the photo above isn’t Handsome, but it might as well have been him.

When we last left off, Handsome was scoping out rehab centers for a 30-day inpatient stay. We had basically reached the point where he either needed another leap forward or we needed some kind of a therapeutic separation for my sanity. He’s sober, but not in good recovery otherwise. By Christmas Eve he had his choices narrowed down to two rehab centers. We had a lovely Christmas.  On the 26th he learned that our insurance will pay for 100% of either rehab center. All that was left was to pick a location and book a plane ticket. Cool.

But also way, way too simple. And NOTHING is ever simple these days. I should have seen the storm clouds moving our way on the horizon…

Handsome thoughtfully decided to get a few chores done around the house before vanishing for 4 weeks. One task involved changing the light bulb in the decorative fixture over our foyer stairs. The light is about 2 stories over the closest landing. There is no good, safe way to remove the glass shade and change the bulb, except possibly driving a rented cherry picker or bucket truck onto the lawn and coming in through a window. Opting not to do that, Handsome tried to stand on the railing of the stairs as he has done other times. This time he lost his balance… with the glass shade in his hand. (Yep, start cringing here… you see where this is going…) He basically fell 2 stories ONTO the glass shade.

I was at work. How do I learn of this? By this text from my 10 year old:

So I call Handsome and my hysterical 13-year old answers the phone. I knew it was bad when she told me that Handsome told her to call 911. (This is a guy who would try to drive himself to the ER in almost any kind of emergency.) Two ambulances and a trip to our nearby Level 1 trauma center later, and he is taken into surgery within hours to clean and close the  wounds to his arm and abdomen. He was exceedingly lucky as no major organs were damaged and he didn’t break any bones.

So, in some ways, perfect time to go to rehab, right? Can’t exactly go skiing or even to work. Nope. Apparently he will not be accepted at rehab until his sutures are removed in about two weeks. We’re working on seeing if there is any flexibility on that issue, but if that remains the case a 30-day stay won’t be possible. He’ll have exhausted his available leave and will be just a few days short of the full 30 he needs.

This was an awful accident that could have been much, much worse. I’m relieved that Handsome is home and healing and nothing is broken or severely damaged. I’m sad for Handsome that he’s hurting. I’m also sad that what seemed to be coming together so well for his recovery is at risk of being blown out of the water. It was a big step for him to commit to a 30-day inpatient stay. Having it fully paid for is amazing. I’d hate to see that opportunity disappear. The implications – for both of us – are serious and material. We were both counting on this to help us. It’s not how I wanted to roll into 2020. Please send some good vibes our way in the hope that we can get this all sorted out.

I hope everyone has a safe, healthy, and Happy New Year!

25 thoughts on “When You Can’t Catch a Break”

    1. The short answer is that he may have to, whether he technically can or not. I don’t see him returning to work in the next month. It’s going to take that long for him to be fit for duty. He’s going to talk to his boss tomorrow and he has a follow up with his surgeon right after the holiday, so I’m hoping things will get sorted by the end of the week.

      Happy New Year to you! 🥂

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  4. Just when I write on someone else’s blog that I thought 2019 kind of sucked, I get another reason why I need to stop complaining so much. I’m very sorry to hear of this incident. Having just had that accident with my daughter, it’s fresh in my mind how shitty those texts are. Mine just said “accident on turnpike. stuck in guardrail.” These kids need to learn how to add a few details to an initial text! Anyway, I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

    Are you absolutely sure he’s entering a 30-day program? A lot of these places hide the fact that they won’t give people certificates of completion until they meet their own criteria, and while that’s possible in some cases in 30 days, it’s unlikely. My roommate at my sex/porn rehab went for the 30-day treatment and they told him he was about 4-5 days short of finishing. He walked. He didn’t need a certificate. Thirty days is just a nice round number. What if they want him to stay 40 and say it’s because he’s not reached whatever goals they set? Would they let him go in 24 days if he did? Probably not. That insurance money is attractive. Many people I saw in rehab ended up leaving not because they were ready, but because the insurance money ran out. I guess my point is that getting some treatment, even if it’s 24 days is better than 0 days. Determine what the real goals are. If it’s to meet some criteria for “success” based on the definition of the facility, it may be in direct proportion to how much money you can provide them. I thought I was going for 30 days and was there for 48.

    Anyway, Happy New Year. It’s going to get better. It has to…right?

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    1. Lol, yes, they do need a bit more detail in their texts. In retrospect, I’m amazed that my son got even that message to me. He was really rattled by the whole experience. And my daughter who normally calls and texts me repeatedly over the smallest things was trying to cope with it all by herself. (My mom, who lives with us, is a former trauma nurse. Yes, she’s elderly, but she’s got all her marbles. No one bothered to get her.)

      Interesting point on the program length, and it ties to my thought too that yes, 24 days is better than zero days. I asked our CSAT and got kind of a “well, it all depends on their program…” kind of answer which is a little BS. My inclination is that he should go when he can and leave when he needs to. I think we’ve figured out how to get him there for a full 30, but if they want to keep him longer it’s not going to be possible. (Relatedly, if they like his insurance, it’s essential for him to remain employed.)

      2020 will absolutely get better.I’m confident of that. 🙂

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      1. Rehab did wonders for me, but the whole payment/insurance side of things just left a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I guess getting healthy has no price, but…yeah, there is a price.

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      2. Goodness, gracious – what a crazy accident! I hope everything heals okay.

        And… That’s a strange answer – “It depends on their program…” This program is a choice, right? It’s not like he’ll be suddenly committed against his will. Of course 30 days sounds like a nice number – but that’s b/c insurance usually pays for 30 days inpatient max in the US. I’m surprised any insurance pays for SA treatment.

        When my husband was a psych inpatient, he was in for longer than 30 days, but it was deemed medically necessary. And they called me while I was horridly traumatized by his disclosure and his attempt on his life (while moving our stuff to another state) and they wanted me to somehow scrape up the money for him to go to another center afterwards with horseback riding and rock-climbing (50K for the month) with no set goals. He doesn’t do either of those things, and why was it my problem to figure out how to pay for that? Worst hospital experience ever at The Cleveland Clinic.

        So glad you are confident 2020 will be better.

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        1. Exactly… he isn’t being involuntarily committed. In my book he can go for as long as he can go and if that means he leaves two days early, oh well. They can’t hold him captive.

          I’m not doing the whole “family week” debacle – I’ll skip that drama, thank you – so he can make up any lost sessions then. And, to be clear, our insurance likely wouldn’t cover SA treatment per se. He has other diagnoses though, like CPTSD, depression, and anxiety disorder, that seem to consistently trigger coverage. And since it’s all that other “stuff” (the mood regulation, anger, feeling overwhelmed, etc, etc) that he’s being referred for and that’s going to be focused on, the SA doesn’t really even come into play. I’m sure there will be a horse to pet, a maze to walk, and a studio in which to paint, but if he gets daily 12-step and daily group or individual counseling, that’s more than he could get here at home. It would take him 8 or 9 months to get an equivalent number of sessions or meetings here. I’ve seen him grow by leaps and bounds over a single intensive week, so I have to believe that 3-4 intensive weeks would also be productive.

          I hope all is well with you! Happy New Year!

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          1. BA – Wise choice on the family week.

            Thanks for explaining why he can be covered for treatment. (Sorry – I’m just one of those detail people.) I’m really sorry your husband has CPTSD. I have that too. Childhood stuff and everything I’ve gone through with my husband. It’s really hard to regulate emotions w PTSD; I’ve learned a lot of tools, but if I get really triggered, it’s HARD.

            I agree that people can grow by leaps and bounds when they are focusing on a goal – immersed. A great deal of growth can happen which may/may not happen in “regular therapy” over months or years.

            Hope I didn’t sound snarky about horses, maze-walks, or whatever. In my situation, I couldn’t believe the Social Worker and Psychiatrist were putting that stress on me – finding 50K to send my husband to a center (after what I went through with his suicide attempt). They didn’t say — “He’d benefit from intensive work for anxiety, trauma, depression…”) They just tried to “sell” me on the activities he could do at a center out west and it wasn’t for SA. It was bizarre. He thought it was a bad idea too and just wanted out of the hospital. I know – two very different situations.

            Take care of yourself, hide the lightbulbs (just kidding), and good luck with all of this. Happy New Year!!!

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            1. No worries! I didn’t sense any snark other than my own about the horses and mazes. I’m going to be shoveling snow, dealing with pets, juggling being kid taxi driver and full time+ professional and he’ll be doing whatever one does at a high end rehab. I feel like it’s arse backwards. I should be going to the “spa-like setting” and he should be here taking out the trash, cleaning the litter box, and doing homework with reluctant kids.

              I’m happy for him that he has this opportunity. I just need to figure out some good self-care so I’m sane whenever he does return home.

              I can’t imagine having this onus put on me in the wake of everything you experienced. That was an unfair burden to put on you. On a much much lesser level, I have a feeling that I’m going to get a hard sell on family week when that rolls around but I’ve already made it really clear to Handsome that it’s a non-starter for me. If he wants to drag the folks who actually caused his issues out there (his FOO), well great, but it’s not for me. Handsome gets it. I’m curious as to whether there will be effort made to change his mind. Stay tuned!
              xo

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    1. Yeah, when it rains it pours for us. I’m hoping 2020 will bring peace and good health our way. ☀️

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    1. I am truly grateful it wasn’t worse. It’s something of a miracle that it turned out as well (relatively speaking) as it did.
      Happy New Year to you and Danny! 🥂

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    1. We’re certainly working on it. We spent part of the day strategizing. We are actually a good team in a crisis or when something needs to be accomplished. I believe it will get worked out. The “how” just isn’t exactly clear yet. Hopefully the next day or two will bring some clarity. ☀️

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  8. Wow, I’m so glad he’s healing physically. A bit surprised rehab won’t take him now. Hopefully you’ll figure out a way to make this happen soon and yay for 100% coverage. That’s amazing! Happy New Year! I remember being where you are, and still wish BE had gone to rehab! ❤️

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    1. Thanks Kat. I know how lucky we are with the 100% coverage. Good medical insurance is one of the very few perks of his job. (Seems like a fair trade for putting your life in jeopardy each day though.) I’m hoping it will all work out. Fingers crossed!
      xo

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  10. Things like this always remind me of this story from when I was a kid. A friend of mine always had the best birthday parties, So I was really looking forward to one that was happening on a Saturday night. Friday night I went out with my mother, and when we got home my friend is on the phone asking why I hadn’t showed up to her party. I had gotten the date wrong and I had missed it. I was so upset. I cried all weekend long. That Monday morning I found out that her sister had been diagnosed with hepatitis A on Sunday and everyone at the party had to go for immune globulin shots. I guess I just wasn’t meant to be at that party. Who knows how my body might have reacted to that shot. So for some reason, this 30 day stint just might not have been meant to be for Handsome and the universe is trying to stop him from going.

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Please share if you've had a similar (or totally different) experience on your journey.