When Handsome was caught at the beer distributor in December and blatantly lied about it, I turned to my boundary work. Both drinking alcohol and lying are inner circle activities for Handsome, so the consequences needed to fit the severe violations. Frankly, had it not been the week before Christmas, I would have asked him to move out and find an apartment. I just wasn’t up for dealing with that drama, ruining the holiday for our kids, and all of the crap that would entail which was bound to waterfall forward into the new year.
The best alternate consequences that I could come up with were for Handsome to find and attend another week-long intensive program, and either to attend a meeting or call an SA contact every single day until the intensive started (whether it was one month or three away). Due to his intimacy issues and preference for isolation, the second part of that consequence is much more challenging for Handsome than the first part.
Handsome found a 7-day program in Tennessee with a special emphasis on getting at the root causes of addiction, addressing ones’ family of origin and trauma, and learning to live a centered, healthy life in spite of those circumstances. He leaves on Sunday. The program is for all people with addiction issues, not just sex addicts. I believe this is a good thing for him now. He’s not acting out sexually, but he keeps breaking his sobriety from alcohol and acting out in other ways (anger, pouting, etc.). He needs to address that. The program is co-ed which, frankly, freaks me out a little. Handsome acted out with broken women and he’s going to be off with no contact with his family, sponsor, or SA friends, surrounded by a bunch of them. He’s going to have to police himself and rely on everything he has learned thus far. Mind you, there were huge warnings in the materials about how relationships between attendees are verboten and must be reported immediately. They also mandate that two people cannot be alone and that there must be a minimum of three people in any group. That’s great, but if it wasn’t an ongoing and constant issue I assume they wouldn’t have the warnings in the first place.
Handsome missed a day or two of calls at the holidays, but he has otherwise reached out to his contacts, attended an in person meeting, or participated in a phone meeting every day. I know that’s hard for him, and it’s good to see the follow through even if he’s not exactly enthusiastic about it. He freely admits that he feels better after the calls, so I hope he’ll keep up with them even after his intensive.
And what am I going to do while he’s gone? Absolutely nothing. I want to live like a normal person for a week. No discussions about boundaries or acting out, no SA or betrayal podcasts, no workbooks… nothing. (I am going to keep our regular CSAT appointment, just to get her to myself for an hour.) I hope to enjoy my kids and bask in the absence of crazy. While he is off getting his head straight, I want to get mine straight too. I want, even for a few days, to try to be unburdened by the fallout of my betrayal trauma and my husband’s sex addiction. That’s my only goal for the week.
I cannot wait.
Sounds like a lovely goal! If you like streaming series, I recommend The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and Younger for feel good fun.
I will take you up on those recommendations! I also want to read a book that has nothing to do with my real life. I have several that I’ve started and been distracted from, so I want to get through at least one. Pre DDay I read about 3-4 books a month. I’m not actually sure that I completed that many in the last year. I need to get my groove back.
xo
You will breathe in relief, and I’m so excited for you <3
Me too!
Enjoy the “alone” time. It will fly by! xo
I think it will fly for me… maybe not so much for him. 😂
As it should be—long, drawn out torture for him! 😉
You deserve the time to breathe and relax and unwind. You might be able to clear your mind a bit.
Books, TV, & a bit of ice cream for starters or nothing is good too.
Enjoy!
Monica
I see a Sundae Night in my future this week with the kiddos!
I hope you have a good weekend. 😊
❤️
Enjoy your time! ❤️
Thanks! I’m going to make the most of it.
Xo
Hey. I’ve read a lot of sites about spouses trying to make things work. I did the same thing but I was coming from a different perspective since I was the one involved in the affair. I’m going to try to post this on my site but wanted you to know that many states in effect punish you for trying to reconcile. The legal definition is condonation. Condonation is approval of certain behavior. As it applies to the divorce, condonation happens when couples resume sexual relations after one learns that the other has been unfaithful. So sleeping together after learning of adultery could the legs out from a case based on adultery.So condonation can be a defense against adultery in some states. Not saying it is right but it exists and it always worries me that the aggrieved spouse may not know about that. Adultery is one thing that most judges will use to give a favorable settlement to the aggrieved spouse. If that goes away, the settlement might not be as favorable.
I think you might be surprised to find out just how many betrayed spouses have “divorce in _________ (fill in the name of a state)” as their very first google search after discovery. I have yet to encounter a spouse who – prior to betrayal- didn’t say “ if my spouse ever cheated on me of course I’d divorce him/ her.” Staying is a very deliberate choice, not a gut reaction. Most betrayed spouses I have encountered have endeavored to make informed, smart choices about their futures, whether that includes consultation with a divorce lawyer and/ or copious online research.
I am a practicing lawyer, but I wouldn’t even attempt to offer legal advice in this forum. I’ll simply note that 26 states mandate no-fault divorce (doesn’t matter a bit who did what) and the other 24 have no fault and fault (usually with some timing and cost incentives for going no-fault). I’m not suggesting that condonation isn’t real, but the vast majority of divorces in the States are no-fault and readers should consult counsel if they are unsure whether it matters in their home state.
I’m a reforming lawyer myself! LOL!!
Sorry I’m just seeing this now. My New Year’s Resolution was to be a total slacker and it’s going great!
Don’t worry too much about the no male-female communication and groups of three rule at this rehab. That rule existed at both my rehabs and a lot of others that I looked into attending but didn’t. And I have to tell you, at the first rehab I went to, it was the young adults who had problems with drugs that were hooking up, not the adults and not the sex/porn addicts. At the second place I went, nobody was hooking up because they’d kick you out without debate.
When your focus is recovery, it’s easy to stay in line in those places, so try not to worry too much. Yes, hook-ups happen at rehab, but they happen everywhere in life. I don’t think your husband is going that route. He knows the consequences. Enjoy the time to yourself.
Thank you for this. Before he had to turn his phone in Handsome told me that the demographics were mostly middle aged adults, and mostly men, so between that and your comment I’m done worrying about it. 🙂
I haven’t read your blog yet. I noticed what it was about though.
There are kindred spirits out there who know what emotional murder feels like.
I’ll catch up and just send you the wish for strength.
“Emotional murder” is a great description. I most often say it’s liked being maimed. I’ve been deeply and horrifically wounded, but I’m still alive too.
I appreciate your kind wishes for strength. I’m looking forward to a restorative week!
❤️