Our CSAT threw a monkey wrench at me yesterday. Handsome was working, so I saw her alone. We were supposed to be touching base on the therapeutic disclosure.
After our last joint session, Handsome had made two comments to me that I just couldn’t really seem to process well. I didn’t know what to make of them, so I wrote them down to discuss with her. That led the session in an unexpected direction.
The comments? I had told Handsome that I thought I was doing pretty well prior to the most recent disclosure, but that his new revelation (after he had months of opportunity to disclose it and instead continued his denials), really set me back. Yes, I expected it to a degree, but it was nonetheless devastating. I had a guess about the prostitutes and massage parlors, but the additional long-term whatever (anonymous physical affair? relationship? sext buddy?) caught me off guard. Handsome’s reply was “I don’t think you were doing well before this. I think it was a facade.”
The CSAT nailed her dissection of that comment. It’s a sneaky combination of gas lighting and defensiveness all rolled together. He didn’t hurt me anew because I was already miserable. Uh, wrong, ass hat.
His second comment? Remember that this was made one day after DDay #3… “Because of my integrity disorder you are always going to believe there are things I am lying about.” Well, for the time being at least, yes, yes I am because to date I have been absolutely correct to doubt his veracity. As the CSAT pointed out, it begs the question of what he’s willing to do to address that issue. Pointing out the problem (a fully justified problem that he created) does nothing. It’s a pointless comment that frames him as a victim of my supposedly unjustified disbelief. What’s he going to do about it?
Then, the bombshell: given Handsome’s two intensives and his nearly one year of sobriety and his individual therapy and 9 months in SA, she would expect him to be further along than where he is now. She feels like he’s “stuck” and still too defensive to move forward. She equated him to a dry drunk which, when I think about it, is likely not too far off the mark. He’s sober from his acting out, but I’m seeing a lot of the pre-DDay bad behaviors that accompanied his acting out (like being unkind and picking random, pointless fights with me) because he hasn’t yet developed the coping skills to prevent those things from occurring. His brain doesn’t even usually register that he’s doing them.
She’s planning to meet with him individually next week to talk through this with him, and tell him flat-out what she thinks of his progress, and then we meet with her together the following day. She told me to be prepared to answer the question of what I intend to do if he won’t/ can’t move ahead? What if he is sober, but not really recovering? What if he hasn’t actually hit rock bottom yet? What then?
Yeah, what then? And why on Earth is this the second holiday season in a row that I have to make weighty, significant decisions to deal with his addiction and the related fall out?
Oh my girl, the ” what then” question is so hard to even think about. But, what then?
You’ve bravely decided that his past behaviour wasn’t a deal breaker, but will his current gaslighting/dickhead behaviour be?
I’m so sorry for your pain xo
This! So much, well put SSA.
It’s tough SSA. As much work as he has done, and it has been a lot, he’s still toiling around in his addict brain. There has unquestionably been progress. His forthcoming year of sexual sobriety is an accomplishment for him, and something that was likely unthinkable before he was outed. He journals daily (I’m still amazed at that, because it’s really out of character for him). He attends meetings, doesn’t miss individual or couples therapy, and he is starting to develop SA contacts that he can rely on. All good. But then yes, the flip side is that he’s still addicted to his secrets and his deflection/ minimization/ general BS game is strong. It’s his personal defense mechanism. I believe, intellectually, he can articulate exactly what he needs to do. He just isn’t able to bring himself to do it quite yet.
I’m not sure what it will take for him to make that breakthrough (if he can) but I doubt it can be done if the status quo just continues. He has a roof over his head, a lovely home, he sees his kids, etc. He probably needs some time in a spartan bed-sit to come to terms with what he wants the rest of his life to look like and to either work on his recovery, or not. I’m prepared to insist on that if necessary.
I think it’s indicative of the grip this addiction/ compulsivity has on him that a guy who risks his life on a daily basis for a living, is too terrified to be vulnerable and honest and self-reflective and can’t sit with the pain his addiction has caused him and others.
xo
What was he like before he started acting out?
Sincere. Loyal. Funny. Caring. Supportive. Responsible. Loving. He was the guy that everyone described as the “squared away” one of his group. He did show some anger management issue signs, but we’re talking about a handful of times a year. Not monthly or weekly. Even after we had our kids he was the dad playing at the playground and doing day care pick ups and drop offs. He was involved, wholly and completely. Since his intensive with Dr. M he has re-engaged with the family and he’s back to doing all of those awesome things.
I did not know him to lie during that time period except that (1) he would use chewing tobacco at work, which I detest, so I knew he lied about that and (2) I now know that his compulsive masturbation was going on since he was a kid, but I had no idea about that then.
The biggest difference in Handsome during his acting out is that he turned into a big jerk. Picking fights, detaching to the point of disinterest, grouchy, miserable, his anger issues blew up, etc. His addiction didn’t soothe him. It turned him into a giant ass.
Wait a minute…is Handsome actually Mr. Perfect??
Since I’ve known him, Mr. P has been Sincere. Loyal. Funny. Caring. Supportive. Responsible. Loving. A big jerk. Picking fights, detaching to the point of disinterest, grouchy, miserable, has anger issues.
Now? He still does all of those things except the detaching – he doesn’t do that anymore.
It’s frustrating, especially since their past AND current behaviour is what is holding us back (and then they say stupid shit like “you’re not making progress, you’re never going to get over it”.).
My response? How about you quit being such a dick.
How was Thanksgiving? Triggery time for you I know 🙁 <3
If you didn’t live north of the border I would suggest that we compare pictures of these guys.
I hear you. Really, I do. When I think of all the divorces that stem from one affair or the suspicion of an affair and then I look at all of the horrors that we’re dealing with, it pisses me off that this is where we are at. Not being a dick, being kind and telling the truth truly seems like the least they can do… and yet they struggle.
Thanksgiving was pretty decent. Handsome focused on his dad to the exclusion of much else, but that let me focus all of my attention on our kids and they had an awesome time. It made me happy to see them have a blast. This is a triggery time for sure. We’re 10 days away from our initial DDay. I’m glad we lasted this long when that seemed wildly uncertain a year ago, but I’m kind of biting my nails about what the next week might bring.
❤️
I hope next week brings you some sort of celebration of yourself and your commitment. I know it’s so hard to think about this – but you REALLY need celebrating. You’re incredible and don’t ever forget that. It’s been a difficult time, let’s not let December forever be painful xo
To me it feels like you’ve been on this journey so long already, it has to get easier, right? Hang in there my dear <3
I am so sorry, blackacre. Your gut was telling you some of this, I know. It’s so awful.
When they have been ‘caught out’ and know that only remorse and deep change, damn hard work, is required, but somehow can’t or won’t seem to commit to living better, well, it’s so damn hard being their partner.
I am sending you strength and a ton of love as you negotiate this part of your journey xxx
Thank you Paula. I hated to be right about this, but yes, my gut was on point. The big difference between now and pre-DDay is that I trust my gut now.
I do believe that Handsome wants to live that better life, (if I didn’t I would have bailed months ago), but there is a big delta between saying he wants to and doing part of the work, or going all in and doing ALL of the work. That’s why I think the CSAT’s “dry drunk” equivalency is so spot on. Outwardly he looks like he’s in recovery when in actuality he’s teetering on the edge of being a dumpster fire.
I’m curious to see how he reacts to the CSAT next week… whether he takes a defensive tone or shows up with his heart on his sleeve and indicates he’s willing to finally go all-in. It could go either way.
xo
💋💋💋agreed. I am hearing you x
I hope he goes into the meeting with the latter behaviour, not only for you, but for himself. Despite him causing all of this pain, the former would just feel pretty shitty for him as well as you.
Big hugs BW ❤️
“teetering on the edge of being a dumpster fire.”
STEALING!
I felt that way nearly every single day when I was lying, cheating, and keeping secrets.
Have you said that about yourself, Sean? I sure don’t perceive you that way, although I can understand why you would have felt that way given what you have been through the last year.
Actually, I felt that way while I was keeping my secrets.
As you can tell from my writing, my natural inclination is to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell the story. I desperately wanted to talk about my behavior but for my own trust and anxiety issues hid it…making my anxiety and trust issues bigger. By my behavior I made my anxiety and trust issues stronger…when I hit bottom it came pouring out. I was a dumpster fire and kept piling in more trash hoping to smother the fire, trying to deny it oxygen. Instead, I just fanned the flames and fed the fire fuel.
However, once the secret was out I seized on the opportunity to clean out the trash. To put a fire out sometimes you have to pull it apart so you can deal with embers and reduce the heat. I’ve come to realize that only through vulnerability, and not bravado, can I put the fire out.
I wrote early on that I can be the greatest fireman in the world but if I’m the one that started the fire, I’m not going to get credit for putting it out.
The last year has sucked but for all the right reasons – I am secret free, I’ve rediscovered power, self-respect, and an awareness of resiliency. In reality, the pain I’m in now pales in comparison to the pain I was in pre-destruction day. Grieving sucks but I am facing it without running. I have since day one worked to stand in the fire and let it burn me down so I can find what matters and had value.
Everything that burned up wasn’t meant to last anyway. Again, I defer to Alian De Botton: “We must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. It’s not. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times. That’s the best we can manage as the creatures we are. It’s no fault of mine or no fault of yours; it’s to do with being human. And the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love.”
I love that podcast. It reminds me that humanity is flawed and loving someone will always be perfectly imperfect. I’m angry at C, but not for ending the relationship because I get that, but because she didn’t care enough to confront me. So while I destroyed myself trying to protect what mattered to me, she was already engaging in her own Patterns again to hide.
Love is so complicated and yet so simple.
It’s truly wonderful that you are trusting your gut again. Trust your gut here. You don’t have to make “weighty, significant, decisions” to deal with his addiction and the fallout during the holidays unless you want to and it feels right.
Thanks Maggie. You are right, of course. I believe the CSAT feels as though we are at a crossroads, but it’s not as if there is a hard and fast deadline looming. I think I feel this sense of foreboding though because I don’t really disagree with the CSAT. It does feel as though we’ve reached a point where the weighty questions are staring us in the face. Perhaps I just feel that way because we are so close to the one-year DDay anniversary? Hard to say.
❤️
A year and seven days ago I lost everything. I’m envious you are facing the meaningful questions at all…many people never get there.
Very true. And I know that many men like my husband commit suicide rather than have their secrets disclosed. And many couples split without any attempt at repair and reconciliation. I am grateful that we can work on these issues together, even as I remain incredibly pissed that we have to deal with them in the first instance.
And tragically yes, entirely too many people would rather die than face the loss of pride and honor. C did me a favor by ending it. I was on my way to dying to protect what I wanted…by ending the relationship, C allowed the dignity of facing it alone.
However, I really did believe I was special enough to C that she would fight for us eventually. A year later, and a shitload of reflection and counseling, I see I was wrong. Where I wanted to break the Patterns, C immersed herself in them. Romanticism is not my friend. lol.
It breaks my heart over and over every time I face it. And I face it every day so that I can remind myself. I’d rather hurt than hide. Hiding from my fears and anxiety is what got me here. Either own the anger and fear or the anger and fear will own me.
Thank you for sharing your journey, It has really helped me.
I’m truly glad you find it helpful. I learn from your journey as well, and it gives me hope that with the right supports my husband might be able to heal and grow and learn.
❤️
Wait….integrity disorder? Is this a new thing? I’ve got some retroactive “But I wasn’t really an asshole” miles to cover if that’s a real thing.
It’s a part of Dr. Omar Minwalla’s concept of sex addiction as a Compulsive Abusive Sexual Relational Disorder. As he notes about his treatment plan on his website:
While other treatment models for sex addiction or sexual compulsivity still focus primarily on sexual behavioral modification and increased coping mechanisms for relapse prevention, there is a lack of conceptualizing the problem as also a form of domestic abuse, a form of conduct disorder or an integrity disorder. Thus, while acknowledging the sexual behaviors as problematic, the compulsive-abusive model also includes diagnosing and treating the abuse disorder as well. The problem is often not just patterns of “acting out with prostitutes” (for example), but also the chronic patterns of lying, deception, psychological manipulation, blaming of others and the ongoing management of a secret sexual life while in a relationship or family.
I hear from our therapist that for many sex addicts, they get so used to lying about their addiction that it bleeds over into absolutely everything. I see that, to a good degree, with Handsome. You know those videos of toddlers covered in chocolate pudding telling the camera that, nope, they didn’t touch the pudding? That’s my husband.
So we’re calling conscious compulsive lying an integrity disorder now? Of course sex addicts get used to lying…so does every other man and woman who has an affair.
I think that’s the whole point, right? The trauma model is premised on the fact that an affair (let alone sex addiction) is a form of intimate partner abuse. Lying is a huge component of that abuse. Minwalla considers it to be a disorder. Whether you’re on board with that name or not it’s telling that most betrayed spouses I know say that the lies and deceit are far more damaging than the sexual acts themselves. And yes, just like you can drink yourself into alcoholism I think you can lie yourself into a disorder. That doesn’t seem to me to be a big leap when deceit is your lifestyle choice for years. Our CSAT says she sees it all the time with sex addicts. Yes, they lied about their sexual compulsivity and acting out, but they also lie about why they ran late or who left the toilet seat up or forgot to get milk. They often lie over things that truly don’t matter, because they have grown accustomed to lying about everything.
(btw – If it seems like I take forever to reply to your posts, don’t take it personally… I truly care what you think! 🙂 Bluehost filters a lot of my comments into trash no matter how low I set the filters and I think your wordpress address always leads to them getting flagged. I just have to restore them manually.)
Makes sense.
I have read this post three times. I remember so vividly being where you are. I was devastated during this time period. I don’t feel like I was the fairly sensible person I am today, or that you are right now. I was emotionally drained. I was flabbergasted by BE’s deflecting and lack of progression. I’m not sure the timing was exactly the same as you, but close. It took BE 9 months to complete his first step. Couples therapy was torture. He claimed he was making progress, but I couldn’t see it. This is probably about the timing when I brought up the serious discussion of living separately. I just couldn’t see us continuing the way things were. I wasn’t talking divorce, just separation, so his excuses could end. So he could focus on himself. I was serious. It scared him. Slowly but surely he started taking things more seriously. For so long it seemed like he was mostly focused on me… whether I was or wasn’t healing. I asked hundreds of questions trying to find some stability in it all. He deflected. Truths trickled out. This is torture, really. I’m happy the CSAT agrees with you. Ours never did. They often said I was too traumatized to see my husband’s progress or that I was hindering his progress. Nope. All excuses. It was really heartbreaking to me. I’m glad I stuck it out, but many days I felt like I was truly all alone. Big big hugs! xo
Thanks Kat. That gives me some hope. When I walked out of the CSATs office I felt a bit hopeless. Handsome isn’t the addict who is doing nothing to get better, or the one doing so little that it’s a joke… it’s more that he hasn’t broken through to a place of true vulnerability. The consequence though is quite real and impactful: he’s not really in recovery. Can he get there? I hope so, but I don’t know. I’ve been pondering the idea of living separately. It makes a lot of sense, but I think Handsome would perceive it as rejection and Step 1 of a divorce. The CSAT warned me that he’d probably relapse, but she also said it might take that kind of downfall for him to hit his true rock bottom and make the shift to vulnerability. Or he might not make the shift. We always talk about what we spouses might do, but he could very well decide that divorce is an easier path for him too.
It’s all very terrifying, frankly. And heartbreaking for sure.
I will gladly take and appreciate the hugs! 😊 They are needed at the moment.
❤️
My husband struggled mightily the first year and a half. I remember leaving the CSAT’s office feeling such despair. I had asked the CSAT if I was enabling my husband. The CSAT said, “No, but we might need to separate just so we could focus on our own recoveries.” I really did not want to do that, but it just seemed as if my husband would not hit bottom. He wasn’t acting out in the physical sense but he was still having fantasies. In my naievete about sex addiction I didn’t see that for the problem that it was and that for my husband, it WAS acting out. What happened was I got angry about the fantasy stuff. We had been out shopping the Sunday after Thanksgiving having a perfect day getting excited about the holidays. Just as we were heading home he got all quiet and remote on me. I asked what was wrong and of course he said “nothing.” I suspected fantasy but said nothing. When his mood persisted over dinner, I confronted him with my suspicions. He admitted that an area we drove through earlier that day triggered him and he was having fantasies. That hit a nerve in me because we had had such a perfect day I couldn’t understand why he would need fantasy. (Of course those two things are apples and oranges but I hadn’t fully internalized that yet.) Instead, I felt angry because of course fantasy means fantasy about another woman. For once I didn’t explode, but I had had it. I looked at him calmly and said the fantasy had to stop and if it couldn’t stop, he needed to move out and go work on that. I didn’t care what circle “fantasy” was in. (At that time it was in his middle circle. He’s since moved it to inner circle.) It was not fair for me to live as a wife with a man who was fantasizing about another woman. I remember he turned white as a ghost and stuttered that the fantasy could stop, that it would stop. Now mind you, I had screamed at him many times in heated arguments to move out, but this time I was calm and I meant it. I was done with fantasy crap, the remoteness it caused, and the pain it was causing me, his wife. Shortly after that, he got serious about recovery.
I asked him today what was his turning point and he said it was realizing how sick he was and that he needed help to get well. He realized he was on the verge of losing everything because he couldn’t control this sickness and it scared him. He saw it for the mental disorder that it is. He continued to struggle but was now reaching out for and accepting the help that had been there all along. After one very productive session with the CSAT around that time, the CSAT grabbed his hand on the way out (and this CSAT is not particularly demonstrative), held it, looked him in the eye and said, “You’re worth it.” My husband cried when he shared that with me.
Early recovery is hard. I have never heard one story where the SA didn’t struggle early on, and frankly, I probably wouldn’t believe it if I did. Take care. Thinking of you.
❤️
Maggie, it means a lot that you shared this with me. All the comments here mean a lot, but knowing that you and Kat made it through a similar phase in your journey takes some of the sting out of feeling like my husband and I are the only two people to be failing at Sex Addiction Recovery 101. (Mind you, that’s what I felt in my head. Our CSAT said nothing of the sort.) My husband called today after his individual therapy appointment and said his therapist (finally!) suggested that he see a psychiatrist and get on some anti-depressants. He’s game. He’s reaching out more to his SA contacts in the last few weeks than he ever has. Perhaps this will all help him down the path to his own turning point.
❤️
My husband goes to a psychiatrist also recommended by the CSAT and has been on anti-depressants for about a year now. I definitely think it has helped him. There is hope here!
It’s painful reading this. A sex addiction ruins both lives. So many wasted years before Dday. So many tormented years after Dday. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
It is a difficult road, for sure. We are almost 2 years out from DDay #1 and 18 months from the day it was clear there was an addiction issue and not just one affair. I see really big improvements in my husband on the one hand, and other areas where the absence of his acting out has revealed other issues. It’s a constant work in progress.
❤️
I’m glad you hung in there and you can see progress …. But the fallout is so extensive. So often it feels like one step forwards two steps backwards … forever!!!