Apparently Handsome spent his individual therapy session this week talking about the difficulty he has showing me he loves me in the wake of our 3 – count ’em, three – disclosure days.
Well… duh.
I think we come at this from very different perspectives. First, to put it diplomatically, Handsome’s social/ emotional skills are stunted. Blame it on his family of origin (I do). Second, he is dumbfounded that it is hard for me to believe that he loves me simply because he now very often says he does and he has ramped up the thoughtfulness and kind gestures. To me, that’s all truly lovely, but insufficient.
At 10:00PM on December 9th last year, I knew without a doubt that he loved me. By 11:00PM…? Not so much. And we all know now that initial disclosure was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Almost a year later, I do believe Handsome loves me (though I admittedly waffle on whether it is romantic love), but I also believe his interest in self-preservation is even stronger. I can’t exactly say that he loves himself more, because it’s clear to me that his compulsive behavior arises from self-loathing. Nonetheless, if it’s between him or me, he picks himself. Each and every time.
Forget (if you can, and I cannot) the individual aspects of the five (5!) simultaneous, long-term affair partners and the 20+ encounters with paid sex workers. How about the fact that condoms do not prevent all STDs and STIs? How about depriving me of the knowledge of this high risk sex life for at least three years, thus ensuring that I couldn’t protect myself? Imagine sleeping next to someone you say you love, knowing your behavior could literally kill them, and yet continuing to engage in that behavior without a care in the world? (Or, maybe you care… but not enough to give them a heads up or anything.)
Is that loving? I think not. It’s beyond selfish. As a lawyer I would label it “deliberate indifference” (reckless disregard for the consequences of one’s own actions or omissions).
To me, that’s the hurdle that Handsome has to overcome. I’m not hung up on the idea that he gave a crap about any of these women. I don’t think he did, with the possible exception of the Flame, and he appears to now see her for the homewrecker she is. I even believe that he loves me in his own way. I just believe that he prioritizes himself over me. His behavior over time (including now with his staggered disclosures) evidences that when there’s a choice between him or me, he almost always sacrifices me to save himself.
When you come at the issue of how he should go about showing me he loves me from that perspective, it’s very different from the norm. Hugs and snuggles aren’t going to cut it.
Step 1 – Stop lying (even by omission).
Step 2- Stop engaging in other behavior that is harmful to the marriage (we can call this the “just quit being a dick” step).
Step 3 – Display appropriate empathy and compassion.
Step 4 – Prove that you can be self-sacrificing for the benefit of others (not to the point of martyrdom, but just recognizing that the world doesn’t revolve around you… a point most other adults already understand). Do this without the expectation of anything in return.
Step 5 – Repeat steps 1-4 daily.
Step 6 – Do what normal people do to express love (this is where the thoughtfulness, consideration, and romance comes in).
Note that there is nothing in this list that is really about his recovery. That’s for him. While it’s helpful to him and that trickles down to be helpful to me, at the end of the day it is for him. His new emphasis on thoughtful gestures, neck kisses, hand holding and saying “I love you” is wonderful, but talk is cheap after what I’ve been through. If I am important to Handsome, he needs to prove it, every day, with meaningful actions (see steps 1-5).
*** I’ll be mostly offline for a week for our holiday trip, but I wish my blogging friends in the States a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!! And a good, safe week to all of my blogging friends outside the US as well!
Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours!
You too, Monica !!
ALL OF THIS!
I asked Mr. P what he defines love to mean, and his answers are: loyalty, respect, honor, honesty, protection etc etc. and I’m guessing Handsome would have pretty much the same answers today.
So does this mean they didn’t love us in the past? If we use their definition of it today – no they did not.
But I believe they do NOW (except maybe not the honesty about the past part…but we know that’s still self preservation even if they rationalize it by thinking it’s protecting us).
Now is all we have.
Happiest Thanksgiving to you, I’m certainly thankful for you xo
And I am very thankful for you too!
Yes, I think Handsome and Mr. P would agree on the definition of love and both would likely be flummoxed to try to explain how it is they never stopped loving us if that’s how they define love.
I’m going to need to ponder this further after the holiday.
Today is devoted to turkey!!
🍗
Google gobble!!
At some point in time members of AA and Al-Anon are told, “This is selfish program. You have to put your oxygen on first before you can help anyone else.”
What I learned is that once people put their oxygen on and start feeling better, they will, *sometimes*, forget about pain our behavior has on the people that love us.
They conveniently overlook Steps 8, 9, and 10…because it’s haaaaaaard.
It’s fucking adulting, not rocket science.
Yup, I can see that. Handsome is very proud of his sobriety, but I do think that he occasionally/ not infrequently gets confused thinking that the positive things that he does now and moving forward somehow “fix” the problems of the past. While his sobriety is great (and necessary for our continued relationship) it doesn’t change the way I feel about what he did before he was outed. I completely understand that he cannot change the past, no matter how much I might wish that he could. I do, however, firmly believe that he can make amends for the past by, as you put it, “fucking adulting” now. I’m not interested in jewellery or trips or lavish artwork. I just want him to show me that he loves me by being honest (even if it causes him discomfort), respectful, loyal, faithful, and all of the things that evidence integrity and fidelity. In other words, all of the things that I expected, but so clearly didn’t receive from him, in the first place.
It cannot be fixed. It’s not a car. Recognizing that reality has been a difficult lesson for me.
Feelings and perspectives evolve. The way I feel and perceive my betrayal has changed over the last 12 months. What © and the relationship meant and reveals about me has also evolved. I cannot step in the same river twice. I’m not who I wanted to be…and neither was ©…a year later, after losing the rose colored glasses I everything more honestly.
I’m grateful for the experience.
The kind of learning and growth that sprouted from your post-betrayal work on yourself is inspiring. It is always a shame when it takes a negative experience to drive positive change, but if good truly arises from something bad, well, we should rejoice.
I hope to feel the same one day looking back at everything that I’ve been through this last year. I also harbor some hope that given the right supports, effort, and some time, that Handsome will be able to gain enlightenment as well.
…I’m not sure I’ll ever “rejoice” but I am grateful. I know this could have been significantly Uglier…and I know myself on a much deeper level. The deeper I dig the more I like myself – the good, bad, AND Ugly
Hope you have a great holiday!
You too!
“a point most other adults already understand” ooohhh, key word “adult”. Age alone does not make our husbands men. My husband was a moody teenager in an adult body. So glad I am married to a man now rather than an immature boy. He still has his moments, but then again so do I.
Hope your Thanksgiving holiday brings your soul and body the rest, rejuvenation and love it needs and desires. xo
You articulated it perfectly, Cynthia. My husband was/is a moody kid in an adult body. He’s working on it.
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Xo