Patience may be a virtue, but I don’t have any to speak of, at least not when it comes to Handsome’s lies and secret keeping. I received a very insightful comment from Joshua Shea to my last post. To paraphrase him, his question was “So your husband is still withholding. What are you gonna do about it?” Fair point.
For the reasons I explained in reply, my hands were a bit tied, but I told Handsome that he needed to make calls to his sponsor and SA contacts every day before our Thanksgiving vacation, and attend three meetings this week and one meeting next week before we hit the road. That is way more than he normally does, and I knew the calls would take him far outside his comfort zone. He agreed.
Nonetheless, the very fact that he was still keeping secrets (even if they would be included in the big therapeutic disclosure planned for early January), burned – and burdened – me deeply. As I asked him: “How am I supposed to tolerate hugging you or being physically or emotionally intimate with you when the knife is still sticking out of my back and you are twisting it every day?” He was frustrated. He thought we had both freely agreed to hold everything until January. Indeed, I had agreed, but (1) I had been blindsided at the CSAT’s office by the development that what remained secret was “big” and (2) I didn’t feel as though I had the agency in that moment to insist that I hear it then. After pondering it endlessly I decided to go back to my long-held position that whatever Handsome has disclosed to someone else he sure as hell had better disclose to me. Why was I agreeing to have that anvil hanging over my head until January… or later? No thanks.
For the record, I don’t believe that our CSAT intended to put this stress upon me. I think that her suggestion of the therapeutic disclosure at this time of year was well intentioned but missed the mark, and that Handsome should have been encouraged to disclose what he had to disclose to me, and it could then be rolled together with his prior disclosures and addressed again in some organized and orderly fashion in January. I also think that she believes that I am stronger than I really am. I put on a good public show, but inside? Some days it’s like a cyclone inside my head.
So, what was all the hoopla about? He was withholding one additional physical affair (if you can call it an affair… he claims to not know her last name and claims he only knew her by “Katie”), and the use of escorts and a local massage parlor. All of this allegedly occurred from 2015 forward -the same period as all the other mayhem.
How do I feel? Some combination of hurt beyond belief and numb. There are so many things about this that I only believe with difficulty. I am dismayed that he so compromised his morals and values that he committed illegal acts. I am dismayed that he is an embarrassment to his job and that he is no better or different from the people he arrests. I am dismayed that he would ever EVER scream at me about money when this is how he saw fit to spend it. I am dismayed that he put my health at risk without a care. (He is in dire need of a very basic 6th grade lesson on how HPV and other diseases are spread and how a condom isn’t a magical shield.)
The flip side, of course, is that as disgusting and repulsive as I find this behavior, the escorts and massage parlors were business transactions. Nothing more. It’s not as if these women liked him. Based on the hooker/ prostitute/ escort blogs I’ve read they were likely (1) high, (2) revolted by him, (3) completely faking it, and (4) terrified. I find it pathetic that he’d be turned on by that, but at least he wasn’t talking with and texting them daily. There were no real relationships. He claims to not even know the physical affair partner’s last name – despite texting with her for the better part of 3 years and screwing her at least twice. It was just cock + scabby cum dumpster = release. The very reasons that made it so difficult for him to admit these things are, ironically, the very things that make them somewhat manageable to my brain.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that if he only had sex with pros that this would all be a cake walk. Far from it. I’m simply saying that in the scheme of what my husband did, this is not the most damaging disclosure to me. His emotional affair with the Flame (and the related lies and secrets) is far more painful to me… less disgusting and vile, for sure, but much more painful.
At the end of the day, my husband has to live with what he did. I have lived through our marriage with honesty and integrity. Handsome is my last first-kiss. I am likely not even in the 5 most recent first-kisses for him. I’m probably not in the 20 most recent first-fucks. That’s on him. I do not need to worry that anything that I have done may harm his health or well-being. He has to wonder what might pop up on his STD tests or mine in the future (since HPV can go latent). At least since 2015 he has not been the person I thought I married, for sure, but I loved him with every fiber of my being and I was present and committed. I did not waste time or opportunities. He has to account for his years in his addict bubble. It has taken months (and months) but I’m good with me. I honored my marriage vows and my husband. I will not bear his shame.
Do I think I finally know everything? Nah. I’ve been around this block before. There are a few details I could still call bullshit on, but we’ll see how it all parses out in the therapeutic disclosure he’s working on. My gut tells me that he’s nearing the end of what he’s keeping inside, but maybe I’m just sensing that he’s as exhausted with this process as I am.
You are certainly one of the most objective people I have ever had the pleasure to learn from. My goodness, you’re incredible. I agree with you wholeheartedly that while this is certainly shocking/disgusting/despicable/fucking gross, it may not be as horribly painful as they weren’t loving or in a relationship. The were just maggots feeding on a soul-less empty body.
Now, my question is this – wasn’t the number of partners addressed with the polygraph?
Ahhhh… the polygraph. You’ve got a great memory. 😉 I actually went back and reviewed it in detail before this disclosure. His polygraph statement contains technically truthful answers, but the way it was worded he was able to withhold information without it showing up as deception. By way of example, the sentences he wrote answered questions based on the affairs I knew of at the time, and he wrote those sentences in such a way that they didn’t preclude the fact that there were other affairs/ acting out behaviors. He likely was truthful based on what he covered in the statement. I should have had a sentence added to the effect of “I have not engaged in any other acting out behavior that I have not disclosed to my wife.” There is a line about him not intentionally withholding anything, but the sentence was based on the 4 APs that the polygraph ended up being about. Lesson learned on my part. Big lesson.
And yes, this new behavior is shocking/disgusting/despicable/fucking gross. It is frankly horrifying. It’s hard to look at him at the moment.
xo
They have so many secrets and loopholes, how the hell are we supposed to anticipate adding sentences to questions and then perhaps an addendum/appendix once he answers?
We can’t. You couldn’t have known, but he did – and that’s a HUGE concern.
How do we commit to swim forward when they’re holding us under water, and then they get enraged and complain we aren’t swimming?! What else have we forgotten/don’t know to add at the end of the sentence? When will it be enough?
In a sense, he brought this forward which is more than most SA’s so that’s a positive but it was to get rid of the weight on HIS shoulders, not to give you any relief (I don’t think but I could be wrong). Was there a risk of you finding out from another source? I wonder why he told the counsellor about this now? Maybe his answer could give you some relief that perhaps he IS in recovery?
Most importantly, how are you holding up? How are you taking care of yourself? I would fly a thousand miles just to hug you if I could xo
Yes, I think my husband lived within secrets and loopholes for years. His deception game is strong. It also flows so naturally from him because he is comfortable in that “zone.” His sexual sobriety is challenging for him, but I actually think addressing his integrity disorder will be a much more difficult thing in the long run. I can almost see him doing the calculus in his head sometimes: “Gee, if I’m honest she won’t like my answer and that may make things hard for me. I may experience stress, discomfort, shame or guilt. If I lie or only tell a half truth, she may never know and it will probably work out ok… and certainly it’s no skin off my back, so _______[insert lie here]___________.”
He did disclose this voluntarily. I don’t think that I could have learned of these things from other sources. I’ve had suspicions about escorts and massage parlors since DDay #2, but he always adamantly denied them and I had zero proof in hand. I think he came clean because as we prepared for the therapeutic disclosure he realized that if he put me through that and I found out later that he lied, our marriage would be over for sure. He is at least far enough along in his recovery to recognize that. I also think that as he approaches a year of sobriety he realized that he didn’t want his recovery to be tainted by lies.
Me? I think I’m doing ok. Mostly. It’s so disgusting that I have no words. It’s ALL disgusting, of course, but the practically anonymous sex and the pros are particularly revolting. I feel like I need to steam clean my vajeen and his entire bod and our bed. 🙁
Oh honey, I can relate to everything you’ve said here.
When I was having my crying fit last weekend I told him I feel disgusting and dirty, like they’re all inside me.
I want to steam clean my vajeen too, maybe we can get a two for one 🙁
Hey, if you can find a 2-fer for that I’ll bundle up and cross the border to join you. 🤣
Hey well Healthcare is free here so come on over!!
As shocking/disgusting/despicable as this is, I am oddly relieved that you know it now. I was concerned, and knew that personally if I was in your situation, my holidays would have been ruined anyway by waiting until January to have the new acting out behaviours disclosed. I would have been such a mess that I would have hated myself and my attitudes and behaviour by then, as would my family. Now, it will be easier for you to continue being good with you. Any blame and shame will settle where it rightfully belongs on Handsome, and not on you.
I completely agree with SSA above. You are incredible, and your objectivity continually inspires and amazes me. (((Hugs))) to you my friend. xo
It is for all the reasons that you described that I felt I had to put my foot down. And I do feel oddly better (in spite of what was disclosed). He looks like a mess today. I slept well last night. Go figure.
(((Hugs))) right back to you! You have been incredibly helpful to me in guiding me to try to stay objective about all of this. Most days I think it’s the only thing helping me survive. I’m not a perfect wife, but I was honest, faithful, loving, and committed, and this was not about me. I just need to keep looking at it through that lens.
❤️
Having been down this road myself, i.e. new disclosures after about a year into “recovery,” which I now refer to as his “faux recovery,”, I can relate to your feelings. It was truly a horrible experience that I would not wish on anyone. However, I did begin to really realize how sick he truly was and that this would not be an easy fix. I also realized only he could choose recovery. I could encourage and support him, but ultimately it was all up to him and he had to want to get well. Looking back, it really was a turning point. After I had some time to absorb the new trauma, I turned my focus to myself and started to think seriously in terms of what my life might be like if I had to leave this marriage. At first it was somewhat painful to think that way, but eventually I became okay with it, and even started to realize I would be just fine. Not just fine financially, but fine emotionally, and could even be happy. When I reached that point, things did start to change for my husband. I was no longer in charge of his recovery. If he was to get well, it would be up to him. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself as you work through this. xoxo
Thank you Maggie. The staggered disclosures are worse than the actual conduct. I think my husband was stunned when I told him that while I understood why these might have been the hardest disclosures for him, they are not – in my mind – the most painful or damaging things he did. It’s very hard for him to grasp that. And, although I had an idea of the depths of my husband’s illness/ addiction, I truly didn’t see the full scope of it until this disclosure. I actually cannot imagine how he managed to function day to day given how much acting out he was doing throughout 2015 and into 2016. The sheer number of women he was juggling, the volume of the texting and sexting, I just have no idea how he pulled it off. I know that that time and energy was stolen from our kids and me (and those are consequences he has to live with forever), but it’s just unfathomable.
xo
It truly is mind-boggling to try to comprehend how they could do what they did even for a day let alone years. I see that as evidence of the disease. Total inability to regulate. So much of what happens with SAs is at the fantasy level. Many convince themselves that these pros really like them and believe all the bs. That was quite a shock to me to find that my H with two masters’ degrees would believe some drug addicted whore that he was the favorite John, super sexy, etc. etc. It was eye opening to him to hear other SAs share in meetings that whores said the same things to them. He now looks back on that with embarrassment. This may be why your husband is surprised you’re not as upset about the pros. To SAs it’s all the same, I think. A gf or a whore is the same. That’s why some pros do the gf experience. Really sick.
Handsome and I explored this a bit last evening. He has said before that he wanted to feel special and wanted and that with the Whore, the Flame, Angel Baby, and the Janitor, he got those “hits.” He fawned over them just to get the reciprocal ego boosting. So I delved into how that translated to the pros, because he’d have to know that he was one of 20 guys that day, not the one and only. He admitted that he would delude himself into thinking that there was a “connection” with the pros. Even those he only saw once. He said it was like convincing himself that there was a special bond just because he was in her and they shared a sex act. It’s delusional. He struggled a bit to tell me that, as if intellectually he knows there wasn’t and couldn’t be a connection but there’s some part of him that holds onto the thought that maybe there was. Or maybe it was just shame rearing its head.
That’s what my husband said, that he deluded himself into thinking the pros really cared.
I have been reading here periodically for the past year.
I find myself pulling for you. You seem like a very decent woman who is getting a raw deal.
I feel like you deserve so much more than this man will ever come close to giving you.
You need to love yourself and appreciate you.
Your children have to feel residuals from your situation. Give them credit.
I know that I could never live happily in a marriage without trust. Real trust. No doubt. No second guessing. No waiting for another shoe to drop. I could not be me. It’s all so toxic.
Maybe I am wrong. I don’t mean to judge you. Your pain is very clear and so unfair.
I wish you peace in your life.
Thank you Monica. I do appreciate your comment. Finding myself the spouse of a sex addict is very much a raw deal. I would not wish this on anyone.
That said, why do I stay? I could leave the marriage reasonably easily, so why go through this? My husband is a broken and damaged human, without question, but he is not a bad person. He has – because of his addiction – done really shitty things. If I did not see him doing the work every day and if he was ignoring my needs or expecting me to “just get over it” we would be done. But I see a guy going to meetings, doing his step work and working with his sponsor, going to therapy, and maintaining his sexual sobriety. Do things like these staggered disclosures hurt terribly? Absolutely. But as angry and frustrated about them as I am, I see progress. Telling me things I couldn’t otherwise find out on my own is evidence of his recovery efforts. He still has a long way to go, but he’s working hard to address what got him to this place and how he hurt me and our family.
Like many betrayed women, I had always ALWAYS said that if I was cheated on I’d dump the person instantly. My self esteem took a hit after DDay 1, but I’m back on my game and I don’t lack self confidence or pride. Yet here I am. Today my decision is to stay. It might change tomorrow, but for today, he works on his recovery and I stay.
❤️
I have to respect your reasoning.
I do wish you all the best.
Thanks Monica. And please do chime in here when you are able. I’m always grateful for other perspectives. 😊
I’m so sorry you keep going through this. You just keep taking hit after hit. 😞
Yep, it’s getting old, fast. On the flip side we’ve had some really good talks in the last few days. He has tried to answer every question. He’s doing the boundary violation work. It doesn’t change or eliminate my hurt and dismay, but he’s still trying.
❤️
I remember asking the CSAT, “Do people ever just get tired of this?” He looked me right in the eyes and said, “Yes, they do.” I have heard about and witnessed partners getting tired of it. Interestingly, SAs seem to have a 6th sense for knowing when the partner is done. The partner will start quietly making plans to exit the relationship and the SA suddenly gets serious about recovery. I’ve witnessed it and it was true for me. I do believe we pick up on energy patterns from others and SAs seem to sense the shift. At the risk of being repetitive, that’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself. xoxo
I have to wonder if leaving Handsome on our vacation might have demonstrated for him that I’m ready to go, if necessary. It was only for a night, but it was something completely new to him. He had grown used to acting with impunity, with the worst case scenario being not much more than a nasty argument. He knows I have engaged a lawyer and he knows I’ve explored what would be involved in moving with our kids to our summer home. Maybe he did the mental math and realized that I’m on that tightrope between “all in” and “screw this.”
I’m trying to practice good self care. It’s hard, but I do try to do at least one thing for myself each day. Today I had a mini dance party with my 12-year old. She had fun too, which is great, but it was mostly for me. ☺️
Good for you! Keep taking your life back! xoxo