It’s been a long couple of days since we returned from our trip. Handsome and I have been civil. We pulled off a nice date night a few days ago. And yet I still had the feeling that we were both suffering, separately, and in silence lest we rock the proverbial boat.
For my part, I know that to be true. Immediately after the weekend I was simply sad about the happenings of the day and night we spent apart. It just seemed like such a wasted opportunity for us. Then, the more days that passed, I started to get ticked off. No… really pissed off… at how things turned out.
Handsome has a circle plan which, if you aren’t familiar with concept, is supposed to identify inner circle behaviors (those that are de facto relationship damaging), the middle circle behaviors (those that may lead to the inner circle and are serious enough to be addressed but which may or may not damage the relationship), and the outer circle (good behaviors used to cope in healthy ways and to help the addict avoid the inner and middle circle). By way of example, a circle chart for a gambling addict might look like this:
As a sex addict, Handsome’s inner circle includes things like sexual contact with anyone other than me, using or viewing dating/ hook up/ massage sites, voyeurism, possessing a burner phone, etc. His middle circle includes things like drinking alcohol, objectifying women, working excessive overtime, and unavoidable contact with any of his affair partners. His outer circle is filled with great ideas for self-care.
When he responded to our fight by going to the hotel bar and having a few beers (thus tossing 7 months of sobriety from alcohol out the window), I was hurt. Then, I got mad. I was (am?) mad that he ran back to one of his old tricks the minute things got tough. I was mad he didn’t use a single tool at his disposal. I was mad he utterly disregarded his outer circle items. I was mad he didn’t reach out to anyone, including me, to talk him off that ledge. I was mad he felt no need to apologize for it at the time.
He talked with his therapist last week about what happened and the therapist directed him to develop a safety plan to keep in his wallet. It’s supposed to be a list of people he can call and things he can do to avoid his inner and middle circles. Sounds great, but since he threw the circle plan out the window in his time of need I’m not sure what one more piece of paper will accomplish. I know that sounds really cynical, but I can’t articulate how stunned I was that he so readily dove back into his old behavior. The plan is worthless if he refuses to consult it and follow it when needed.
His explanation? He says he thought it was all hopeless and that we were over. Thus, fuck it all, he’d have a beer. Why did he think it was over? Because I left our hotel. Because I told him I wouldn’t put up with the verbal nastiness. (For his part, he said the same thing to me during the fight.) To be clear, I never mentioned the word “divorce” or threatened divorce. In fact, I really don’t think that I’ve ever brought up divorce since telling him after DDay #2 that if he still loved the Flame that he should go and be with her, and explaining around that same time that I would leave and seek a divorce if his sexual acting out did not come to an immediate end. So, his rushed conclusion all these months later that we were over pisses me off. If anyone has justification to get a divorce, I certainly think I fit that category. Four affairs, years of lies, porn, bringing skanks to our home and…, and…, and…? It would surprise no one if I left, but I haven’t. I’m still here. I swore for better or for worse and this has got to be the “for worse” part, right? I’m still fighting for him and for us, and it rocked my world that he just threw in the towel at the drop of a hat.
I see Handsome’s recovery work as his way of fighting for himself. I also believe it is valuable to our entire family for him to be healthy and sober and for him to have self-esteem and confidence. When the shit hits the fan though, if he just gives up… ? After a bad but not exactly exceptional argument? I agree that the fact that we were away from home likely contributed to his excessive reaction, as did the fact that I did something different by standing up for myself and distancing myself from the situation, but c’mon… after all we’ve been through? Is his skin really so thin? I didn’t tap out after finding out that he was juggling all those other women and his other forms of acting out. It admittedly sounds righteously indignant, but is this the thanks I get for hanging in there? I’m angry that he didn’t care enough in that moment to fight back against his own demons for me. For us. Even for himself, for that matter.
Will we get through this? Sure. It’s just going to take time. It’s a set back, but not an insurmountable one. We need to get back on the same page where we both feel supported and where we are fighting for each other instead of with each other.
His circle plan really is for him, not for the marriage. Your boundaries are for you. Him following his plan will completely benefit his relationship with you, but he really must be recovering solely for himself. Him using the we were over/divorce excuse is simply that, an excuse. An excuse to not use his plan, that is for him. For my husband that excuse was used more as a barrier to communication, rather than a path to other negative and escalating behaviors, but the damage to me was the same. It’s like he was giving up. He wasn’t even trying. Until he realized that everything he was doing in recovery was for himself (not to keep our marriage) he continued to use the excuse. It’s part and parcel to how they rationalized their addictive behaviors. I don’t remember a day, or a month, but there was a point where I separated myself from his recovery. As long as he was moving forward, some months ever so slightly, but still… I was committed to staying and I knew for myself that I no longer needed to watch over him. For maybe 2 1/2 years it pissed me off when bloggers would comment about me staying on my own side of the street, or trying to manage my husband’s recovery (because seriously, I’m so much better at it, because…. I’m not an addict). This whole thing is scary. I needed some level of control to feel safe. It takes time to get our bearings, to make sense of it all. I totally get it. If you are like me there will come a day when you will have jumped this hurdle. Did you see Trish in LA? I can’t remember, but she was instrumental in helping me separate emotionally from my addict husband. I was so broken, it took a while for me to really appreciate what she had done for me. She actually wanted us to physically separate. To have some time to recover & heal on our own before trying to repair our marriage. I knew that wouldn’t work for me. I’m all in, or all out. I instinctively knew that. I can see that you are all in. BE’s safe people are in his SA group. They are legit friends now, but more than that they are truly safe. They have walked his path and they want him to succeed. He is there for them as well. This is a life struggle. I hope your husband has guys like this. They’re crucial. We just cannot be their safe zone. They hurt us badly and that will always cause shame. To them shame needs to be medicated. I can only imagine the loneliness when things went south and you spent the night apart. Hugs, because I know exactly how difficult this is. xo
Thanks Kat. Yeah… I’m definitely in the “all in or all out” club. I’ve been all in. My husband knows that. I think the abandonment issues he has from his childhood and adulthood lead him to these bizarre catastrophic conclusions. Maybe he still fears that any straw could be the very last straw? On the one hand, I feel badly for him on both counts and on the other I feel like I’m in this awkward place where I’m injured but I can’t express that for fear that triggers him. (sigh…) This whole thing is so scary and hard.
While his circle plan is definitely for him, Dr. M had him consult with me about my boundaries so that there would be some alignment there. His circles are derived from the questions about what we both view as healthy, tolerable but a slippery slope to intolerable, and positively intolerable behavior. I know that’s not how SAA folks usually put their plans together, but that’s how Handsome’s came together (and he does SA, which doesn’t seem as reliant on the plans). The issue is that some things, like abstinence from alcohol, Handsome is admittedly not doing for himself. He stopped drinking because he made promises to Dr. M first and then to me that he wouldn’t touch alcohol for a year, not because he believed he had any issue with it or that it caused any harm. I recognize that as an issue. I’m not sure that he does. I did not see Trish in LA, but I understand that I need to distance myself from Handsome’s recovery. I keep trying, but I feel like I keep getting sucked back in.
I wish that Handsome would develop friends in his home SA group but he’s got that whole intimacy disorder/ lone wolf thing still going on. He is friendly enough, I’m sure, but he’s not really making any deep connections. He says that he knows he needs to and he wants to (which I guess is good, right?) but if it’s happening it is doing so at a snail’s pace. In the meantime he really relies on me to be his main accountability person and that’s both hard on me and probably not really helpful for him. I want to be there for him, of course, but if he truly feels like any straw might be the last straw then he’s highly unlikely to be forthright with me when he needs to be. Some neutral person would be a much better option and I would be relieved to be able to pass that burden on to someone else. It seems to be a job that I inherited by default.
Thank you for the hugs! 🙂 I accept them gratefully. This is a rocky, difficult path to be on and I know you’ve been through it too. You and BE give me hope though. ❤️
BE attends and is actively involved in SA. It was Dr. M’s people that introduced him to the (SAA) circle plan. My boundaries were set first and they incorporated them because of course if they were important to me, they were important to BE. I honestly cannot imagine how all of this would have progressed without BE’s main SA group. He went to a few before he found this one. He does also have a couple of back ups in case he misses his main meeting. BE also very quickly reached catastrophic conclusions in the first couple years. It’s debilitating to their recovery. It holds them back from healing. It’s part of their old patterns of behavior. I am not someone who can keep my feelings inside. It was literally killing me, health problems, self harm, etc… I had to be heard and not just by my therapists. It was suggested I needed to go to an inpatient. Fuck that shit! After 30 years together I felt like if BE couldn’t handle my truth, as the perpetrator, then our marriage was doomed. I realize they feel shame, but I knew I deserved better… and then, eventually, things solidified. BE actively and seriously worked the steps. I truly realized there was nothing I could do to save him from himself. If I was too much for him then, then I would forever be too much for him. All the therapists chastised me for being too hard on “my addict.” I called bullshit time and time again. He had been making excuses for himself for 40 years. I know he was abused and emotionally abandoned. But we can’t live in the past. Some of his behaviors left over from the childhood wounds will never go away, I get that, but active sex addiction is not conducive to any healthy relationship. Anyone who says sex addiction is an excuse, or a way out, has never been or lived with a sex addict. It’s hell all the way around. I finally realized though, as I really healed from all the trauma, that I needed to back off and miraculously he really started to take things seriously. Like my distancing myself from his recovery and pulling some of my attention lit a fire under him. For all the catastrophizing, I think his recovery didn’t truly begin until I started to heal and he could feel that it was less about “us” and more about him. It was always about him. BE will hit five years sobriety in less than two months. It can be done! 🤗
There are so many truths in this comment, Kat. At this moment in time I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with my feelings. I hate that. As I said somewhere in these comments to SSA, Handsome needs to be able to stick with me in my pain and stop trying to justify/ explain things to make himself feel better (that “gee, I see you’re hurt but it really wasn’t like that” deflection/ rationalization). He definitely needs a different accountability partner. He can figure out how to accomplish that. Then I will be able to more cleanly separate my healing from his recovery. I need that distance. I can support him without being responsible for running his recovery like a business project with goals and deliverables and a critical path. I get that I’m better organized and all that, but he’s perfectly capable of stepping up to the plate and coordinating everything on his own.
Five years of sobriety is a big deal. It shows a real commitment to living with integrity. Handsome will hit one year in December. I’m not going to be celebrating that day per se (hard for me to cheer for not acting out and cheating on me), but I respect and will be proud of that milestone. I just wish that the last year hadn’t aged me ten-fold.
❤️
I’m so sorry BW, ((hugs))
Hopefully being back in the outer circle, he can see his behaviour clearly and it can be used as a tool in the future so that he doesn’t rationalize these middle circle items – because as he should know – those middle circle items are a very quick step and hop over the line into the inner circle items.
I am so proud of you for standing your ground, just know that the ground is firm even if you’re shaky at the moment. You have every right to be pissed off, you’re done an incredible act by giving him a second chance. All you can do is control your ground and bottom lines xo
Gratefully accepting those hugs and your support! ❤️
I am confident that Handsome gets the slippery slope nature of his middle circle items… except when it comes to drinking and workaholism. On those two I see a lot of shuck and jive moves. Our CSAT calls him on them and hopefully his therapist does too.
Xo
Hi BW. I can relate. 🤦🏻♀️ We cannot be their accountability partners. That sets up a very unhealthy dynamic. I know because my H made me his accountability partner in the beginning. You don’t want to be viewed as the marriage police or the mother or whatever especially by yourself. You are his wife, his lover his partner. Another SA can call him on the BS and believe me they know the BS excuses. My H made excuses all the time in the beginning for violating middle circle behaviors. As Kat said, you have boundaries and that’s not the same as the circles. It took me awhile to get that but when I finally did, it was a turning point. H would argue “but that’s only in my middle circle…” I had to reach a point where I had to decide what was acceptable to me and not give a damn about what circle it’s in. If something makes me uncomfortable it becomes a boundary. I’m done suffering through being uncomfortable.
His recovery really does have to be about him. I think it’s pretty common that in the beginning they are there for the marriage. It takes awhile for the brain to change. I heard a CSAT say once that in 30+ yrs of practice he had never had one SA show up bc he was concerned about his sex behavior. They either had been arrested, fired, discovered by a spouse, outed in some way.
My H took a couple of years to connect to the other SAs in his group even though he was meeting with them almost every morning. But that’s part of his disorder, keeping ppl at arms length emotionally. Yet, the meetings are a safe place and eventually he saw that and let the walls down a little.
This is a difficult journey and society doesn’t give us wives much support for staying and working on it. They say we must have low self esteem or Stockholm Syndrome or whatever. I came to see that the journey really is about me and my growth. I’m just grateful for women like you who share this journey. You really are doing so well with this. Please know that.
xoxo
Exactly! I feel like the sobriety nanny or some such thing. I do not want that job. At all. First, because it’s like death by a thousand cuts. Second, because it keeps me in this state of conflict that I just don’t want to be in. It might be uncomfortable for him to make a new friend, but it is grossly uncomfortable for me to be his main accountability person, especially when we saw during our argument that it just doesn’t work. I can’t reach him in those moments and I have to imagine that a neutral person could.
I am so grateful for you and for Kat and for all the other kind souls in the blogosphere. I admit that I teared up when I got to the part where you said I was doing so well with this. Dealing with all of this is the most difficult thing I think I’ve encountered in my life, and I’ve dealt with some unbelievable misery. I very much just want it to be “over” but while I have real faith that it gets better, I strongly doubt that it isn’t going to be some small part of my life forever. That’s a bit sad to me. 🙁
I agree with Maggie, you are doing an amazing job. I see similarities between you, me, and Maggie. I don’t mean to leave anyone out here, but I have chatted with you both off blog and feel comfortable saying this… I think we are all take charge kind of women. Organized women with careers. We’re mothers, we’re practical. There is nothing practical about being married to an SA. We were blown away by the discovery of such awful things going on behind our backs (as everyone is of course) and our first instinct is not to run, but to fix! We can’t fix this but we can take care of ourselves and encourage our partners to do the same. We’re at three separate stages, but all on the same spectrum. It’s mighty difficult to let go of the perceived control of knowing everything that is happening in their recovery, but I think the only way 12 step really works is if they maintain their sobriety and do the steps with other SAs by their side, helping them crawl, then walk, then run. I remember oh so long ago BE having to call 5 guys EVERY DAY as part of his prescribed recovery. Even though he is an extrovert, it was tough. Some guys never responded. That bothered him. But I think that’s why they suggested five. Just the act of calling and leaving the messages or texting takes effort and commitment. It’s difficult, but so is recovery. Eventually a couple of relationships really solidified. It’s a two way street. The other guys also need accountability. I was never an AA advocate. I had heard some not so nice stories… but I knew it worked for a lot of people. I do believe in SA, but I know not everyone has the same resources in their area. It’s important that they commit to a meeting that works for them, no excuses. Of course then there’s the flip side, good therapy and diagnosis and treatment of wounds and mental issues. Unbelievable how we lived with people for so long not knowing their deepest secrets. Much love to you both! I’m in Paris and sick as a dog. Bummer! It’s Day 6 of this crud, so it’s got to break soon. xo
I thought a lot over the weekend on why – to me – I think things are the way they are at the moment. If I had to put it in a nutshell, I’d say that I feel as though the forward momentum of Handsome’s recovery efforts have stalled. When I see him doing well, I feel as though there is hope for us. When things are stagnant or stuck, especially when he seems unbothered by it, my hope dissipates. It’s not that I think I can compel him to recover faster or more effectively/ efficiently. I know that I can’t. It’s rather that I know that my own tolerance is nonexistent for living with him if he’s just skating by.
Does he go to individual therapy and see our CSAT with me? Yes. Does he go to SA meetings? Yes. He tries to get to one a week. (In fairness to him, this is partially due to the nature of his rotating shifts and crazy overtime.) Does he talk to people from the program? No. His sponsor is too busy to babysit him (and shouldn’t have to) so Handsome calls him about every 10 days or so. He does not speak to anyone else from the program between meetings. If I see him looking more like PreDDay Handsome than Handsome 2.0 I’ll occasionally ask whether he has called his sponsor recently, but that’s about all I can do. Again, I think this is why he needs a actual accountability partner. I wish he had to reach out to even one person a day, let alone 5. I don’t question whether Handsome intends to try to stay sober and recover. I believe he does. I do, however, question whether he has the “stick-to-it-iveness” to work on his recovery over the long term. When it was all shiny and new he was all-in, but now that the rubber is hitting the road and it’s a little more drudgery, it’s not the same story. Maybe this is normal? (My view of “normal” has been so rattled that I have no idea what it is any more.)
I hope that you are on the mend in Paris! I hate being sick on the road. Yes, the crisp, clean hotel sheets and towels are lovely, but sometimes you just want your own stuff around you. I’m hoping your crud has faded and you can enjoy some good food and wine.
xo
Well, it’s Day 8, we’re in Turin, Italy, and i’ve still got the cold. BE too. Off to Stockholm tomorrow. If you think it would be helpful to your husband, I can have BE email, text, or chat with him… when we get home. He did this with another SA husband whose wife read my blog (actually the SA contacted me and I sent him straight to BE). They connected for quite a few months. BE is generally pretty easy to talk with. I know there’s a time difference (and that’s when we are in town), but since BE doesn’t sponsor anyone and has completed the steps some time ago he might be a nice resource… you can email me if you think your husband would be agreeable. They do have Dr. M in common after all. 😬 BE’s progress stalled a few times and my blog certainly attests to that. Even now if he seems unbalanced I gently remind him to attend more meetings. The meetings reconnect him to active recovery and remind him he’s not alone in his struggle. I know this sounds frustrating, but you are still early days. Let me know. xo
Thanks Kat. I very much appreciate that. The time difference might actually work with Handsome’s crazy schedule if he would just, you know, make the call. And yes, they do have Dr. M in common. 🙂 I’ll reach out offline after your whirlwind tour.
Get better soon. I just kicked my Fall crud after about 10 days of it, so there is hope on the horizon!
xo
I’ll just chime in here and say, thanks, Kat. I agree with your observation about the three of us! It is interesting that we are all in different stages of recovery. We would make a good panel discussion for a conference.
It was very hard for my H to contact people in his program as he is an introvert, but he had to force himself to do it. Now he understands the importance of it and, like with BE, a couple of the relationships solidified, finally. The CSAT explained that contact is important because SA is first of all a fantasy disorder and contact helps them to stay grounded as do meetings. So much of this is actually in their heads which explains the unattractive acting out partners. As Kat has observed, that SA filter is really something. LOL
Ha! Yes, we would make for a good panel.
Handsome is an introvert too, so that plus the intimacy disorder pretty much means he’d rather chew glass than reach out and be vulnerable. He knows he needs to get better at it. I just wish he’d stop talking about getting better at it and actually start trying to do it.
Yeah, that SA filter… oy! Remember those “this is your brain on drugs” commercials? I think there should be “this is your brain on porn and tawdry sex” commercials these days. Our CSAT refers to my husband’s “sane brain” and his “addict brain” and boy those two are light years apart.
xo