Just a quick update. In short, Handsome did go away to visit his dad and I had a pretty terrific weekend with the kids. The flowers? My 8-year-old son came shopping and helped me pick them out and we made arrangements for me and for my mom.
On Sunday I had a hearty breakfast of berries and cookies in bed (better than it sounds because there was no syrup to clean off the cat… or the steps… or the carpet…). In the evening we went to a great new steakhouse downtown for dinner. I love seeing my kids dressed up. I love seeing them in anything really, but when they’re all shiny and clean it just rocks.
Handsome wasn’t great about observing the boundaries of the day, but I had my phone off so it didn’t matter. He called twice and texted me once and then tried to text the kids (“Tell Mom I said… .”). Whatever. I had the wonderful day I wanted and he was utterly uninvolved.
Back to reality today as Handsome returns home and there are a few things we need to deal with from last week. I’ll write about those later. But for now I’m still basking in the glow of a terrific weekend. Thanks to everyone for the kind words of encouragement. I needed that support and I needed this weekend to myself.
I’m glad your heart received what it needed and you trusted yourself enough to not only know what that was, but to execute it as well.
As for the boundaries, you observed yours, so job well done on your end. Have you and Handsome set any consequences for when he doesn’t adhere to the boundaries? If so, make sure they are implemented. Two calls and one text would make three violations. Three consequences. If not, having pre-established consequences for breaking boundaries is a good idea.
Blessings on your coming week xo
Thanks Cynthia!
We have done a great job setting clearly defined boundaries (Handsome has a personal circle plan he carries with him and we are working a couples plan). Nonetheless, the consequences are still up in the air. I was hoping that the CSAT we started seeing would help with that. She will … after her maternity leave. (Sigh) I know we need consequences. Handsome knows we need them too. Determining what is reasonable and practical though is proving challenging, and I know a consequence is pointless if it isn’t put into practice. We’ll get there. It’s in the category of “work in progress.”
In this particular case, once I explained to Handsome that he crossed boundaries (“I didn’t realize you didn’t want to hear from me… I just thought you didn’t want to see me.”) he apologized sincerely, completed a boundary violation form (after-care from his intensive…), and scheduled an additional session with his doc this week. Not a perfect consequence, but maybe not terrible either.
I’m certainly open to hearing about the types of consequences other people have tried. What has worked well and what didn’t? What was overkill and what wasn’t strong enough?
I hope you have a delightful week too!
❤️
Yes, determining appropriate consequences and differentiating a consequence from a punishment is challenging. As you said, it is pointless to set consequences that won’t be followed through with due to being too severe or too weak, or something that we won’t stand behind. Enforcing consequences takes work and effort on our behalf as well. What I was taught is that if my husband violates a boundary I have set for my protection, the consequence should hurt him and benefit me. For instance, if your boundary was clear on the weekend that Handsome was not to contact you, a consequence could be that he does one of your chores for you like cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming for the week, doing the carpool for a month, etc. If it is a more severe breach of a boundary such as contacting another woman, a stronger consequence might be needed. Doing the dishes might not cause enough pain, but sleeping on the couch or at his dad’s for a night might.
My husband has also set his own consequences to protect himself from breaching his recovery program, kind of like yours did with completing the form and scheduling a counselling appointment. I am trusting him to implement it if he looks at porn, masturbates, etc. because I won’t know if he has. I have chosen not to know what his consequence is, but he has told me it will be obvious to me if it happens. I know that it sounds odd that I don’t know what it is, but for me, I have wanted nothing to do with being responsible for holding him accountable to his recovery plan. Just as when we discussed possibly getting a porn blocker for the computer, I said I did not want to receive any of the reports. I just don’t want the responsibility of policing him and spending my energy on his recovery. Which circles back to the willingness to enforce the boundaries we set. I have been fortunate to be seldom tested in this area because honestly, I don’t think I would be very good at it.
Glad you enjoyed yourself. I love Cynthia’s points x.