In light of all of the new revelations from DDay #2, and my uncertainty over the veracity of his insistence that he had told me everything (because, let’s be honest, I’d heard that no less than a dozen times before), I scheduled Handsome for a polygraph test. I wrote out about 25 yes/ no questions that I wanted answers to, and, together with the polygraph examiner, we winnowed those down to 5 comprehensive questions that I considered to be fundamental to moving forward with the marriage. Handsome wrote out a statement based on those questions and answered each of them head on. Then he was tested based on the truthfulness of the statement. The test was this morning.
I expected – if Handsome was telling me the truth – that the whole process would make me feel better. Initially, I do feel relieved, but in the moment of the test I found myself questioning what I had done. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I did. For all his manly bluster, Handsome is a newly diagnosed SA. His shame and guilt and torment are, at the moment, overwhelming and profound. And yet there he sat, patiently waiting for someone to truss him up to the polygraph machine. Shaming and humiliating him further was never the goal.
Handsome answered all of the questions multiple times. After the test the examiner (who was very professional and non-judgmental and kind) advised me that the responses appeared to be truthful, both according to his own observation of the results and based on a separate algorithm that he runs on the results. In fact, according to the algorithm there was a less than 1% chance of falsehood. Thank heaven. I do feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders or a shadow has passed over me. Both are good things and I got the answers I desperately needed; however, if I am honest, I’m likely to be a bit haunted by the fact that my comfort came at the expense of more of Handsome’s dignity. (Mind you, I completely understand and agree that my dignity was never a consideration for him throughout two and a half of the last three years, but the whole point of this is to move beyond that.)
Would I do it again if I had to do it all over? Yes, but I might have waited till Handsome had a few more SA meetings under his belt. Or maybe that wouldn’t make a difference. I just keep thinking of how very sad it is when the facts of a marriage are so in doubt that a polygraph is needed to affirm or to refute the story. In my case, the story was affirmed, but I’m sure in many others it is not.
I’m glad he agreed to the polygraph and that you were able to get answers to your questions. As to waiting, I’m glad you didn’t. You have been 100% behind your husband and putting your needs on the back burner. This was for you. xoxo Dolly
You know Dolly, after sleeping on it for a night, I’m glad that I got it out of the way too. I know this because for the first time in forever I actually slept pretty well last night. One of the polygraph questions was about whether he had disclosed all of his affair activity to me. He has, so at least I know broadly what occurred and what has to be overcome. I do feel that our efforts from here on out will be focused on healing. That’s not to say that I no longer have questions – I certainly do -but I’m not worried that there are other additional women or that there was more sex than was disclosed or that the timeline is much longer than what I learned about on DDay #2. Putting those issues to rest is a big deal for me.
Xo
it is a big deal. once the secrets are out, the healing can begin – I am so happy he did that for you – xoxo Dolly
Betrayedwife I am so relieved for you!
I can relate to feeling bad seeing him with so much shame, Mr. Perfect almost looks childlike when in a shame spiral and sometimes I feel like I need to protect him (if that makes sense). It’s very sad to see someone you love so much hate themselves for so long despite the pain they’ve caused. Compassion goes a long way (both ways), and you seem to be very empathetic. He is very lucky to have you.
Not many couples get to dive this deep and while it is extremely painful right now, your connection will be one that is very rare.
I am so happy you found some relief today. One small right step (for you) at a time.
Hugs xo
It truly is a relief and it came at a time when I very much needed it (after the debacle with the letter to the Flame and all). I still have questions but I can stop wondering about the bigger, more important, stuff. That’s priceless.
Xo
I’m kindof on the fence. Congratulations, he told the truth to 5 questions. Everything outside of that can be lies.
Fair point, but when one of the questions is whether he has fully disclosed his affair activity there isn’t a ton left to lie about. I’ve got a decent timeline, I know how many women are at issue and when they came into the picture, and broadly what happened with each. Separate questions confirmed his stories about specific sex acts that occurred, his SA sobriety, and use/possession of burner phones. At the moment, those were things I needed to confirm to move forward. Others may (likely will) arise later, but if I was being lied to about this baseline information then I needed to know. Could he have walked out of the test and started lying and acting out all over again? Of course. But that discovery would then cue the music for my exit. He knows that as well as I do.