Agitation or fear (or both)?

Things are happening this week that have me on edge.

First, Valentine’s Day. Screw that this year. Handsome will get lovely cards from the kids, but not from me. I’ve told him not to get me anything (and assured him it wasn’t a test… that I truly want nothing). Maybe next year or down the road things will be different.

Next, later in the week we are heading to our summer home in New England. We had some pipes freeze there and need to attend to that damage. It will be my first time in the house since learning that he spent a yard-work weekend alone there last May sexting the Whore the entire time. Hundreds of texts and a bunch of photos and videos. That house has always been my happy place and my safe haven – since before I got together with Handsome – and I’m scared I won’t be able to see it in that light any longer. Part of me may actually be glad some of it needs to be torn apart, rebuilt, and redone as it might get rid of the taint from what he did there. (As I write that it sounds crazy to me and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time.) The church where we got married is nearby too. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with seeing that.

Finally, on Friday we have our first affair recovery session with Brian from Beyond Affairs.  I’ve been anxiously awaiting this for a few weeks, but now that it’s upon us, I’m nervous. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion, but I do want it to go well. I want Handsome and I both to feel like it will be helpful. I have no reason to believe that anything other than that will happen, but I’m unsettled about it nonetheless. In short, it’s something new added to the “new normal” of our life, and at this point new=scary.

I expect it will be that way for many months.