“What’s she like?” That was the question my best friend asked me today. How do I answer that? I’ve only seen her in pictures and heard her cigarette-weathered voice on my voicemail. I do not believe that he could have found someone more different from me (from both of us, frankly) if he actively tried.
While we were on our vacation Fire Dude included a picture of the Whore in the texts he sent me. He was sincerely lamenting the loss of his “angel” at the hands of my husband. To him, she was his world. To me, she looked like a cross between a Russian hooker and a clown. Heavy blue eye shadow. Lots and lots of mascara. Pancake make-up with rouge. (Seriously… rouge.) Hair she clearly dyed and highlighted herself, and poorly. Clothing two sizes too small. She was my age, roughly, but in fairness thinner and more petite. I’m going to date myself here, but she truly looks like a thinner version of Mimi Bobeck from The Drew Carey Show. (Google it)
I do not smoke. Handsome absolutely detests cigarette smoke. It repulses him. He hates it with the fire of 1,000 suns… and yet the Whore smokes.
I am educated. Handsome reads voraciously, and is big on proper English (we both are even if that may not be evident from this blog), and yet many of her texts seemed to be written by an illiterate dunce (“was you just up here?” by way of example). Her voicemails were equally lacking. Fire Dude says she barely completed high school.
I have worked constantly since I was 16. I work full time now to help support my family. The Whore lays on her couch all day and drinks. She hasn’t had a job of any kind in over 7 years despite pleas from Fire Dude to get even a part time position.
I have never used drugs and drink only occasionally. According to Fire Dude, the Whore is an alcoholic who also uses and occasionally sells opiates.
I have never been in trouble with the law in any way shape or form. The Whore claims that everything started with Handsome when she asked a question about a warrant for her arrest. Separately, during the affair, she was arrested for punching her 11-year old son in the face. Handsome was not the arresting officer, but he apparently had to fingerprint her. There are texts from her regretting how bad she looked in lock-up (not for beating her child) and replies from him that she looked “YUMMY and delicious…like always.” I really struggle with how he could possibly have continued the affair after that particular incident, but he did.
I could go on, but you get the idea. I’m not saying that any of this would be easier if he cheated with someone from our neighborhood or our country club, but the fact that he chose to imperil our family, his job, and everything about our life for such a complete piece of trash is inexplicable to me. If she appeared on our doorstep applying for a job to clean our toilets, either one of us would have shooed her away in an instant. And yet he slept with her.
How does that even happen?
She sounds hideous! 🤢
Indeed she is. One could argue that her hideousness is proof that Handsome had lost his mind (wait, he has made that argument…), but I really sincerely struggle with how he put absolutely everything on the line for such a vile person.
It is said they affair down. Why? I don’t know! Mine definitely affaired down. I think the same thing, he put everything on the line for her, for someone he knew he wouldn’t end up with, so what the hell?
I don’t understand it.
Another comment to relate to… each of the women D was with were “beneath him” as he noted. People he would never want to inherit any time or energy in – just people to fuck at his leisure.
He attributes some of his behaviour it to residual shame from his childhood – i.e., he doesn’t deserve good things (such as me) so he put himself and our relationship at risk by actively finding himself in sexual situations with unattractive, uneducated women. I think I get it, to an extent. But to risk everything for that? He explained (and from what I’ve read and understand) it’s about self value and worth – and at this point, at least in my case, he feel completely unworthy of love from someone worth giving it to him (does that make sense?).
They feel shame and guilt due to the life they have been living and feel inferior to us. I think they affair down so they can feel better than someone. My spouses AP’s were also gross, most of them ugly overweight and the others were just ugl . My spouse admitted he would have fucked anything and from what I see, I think he did! These women were used as coping “things”, it was not about sex.
It’s hard to always believe that though xo
Tell me you have already been tested. And he has been tested. And you have seen the physical test results. And that you will follow up every three months with yours for a year.
Yes, yes, and yes. I’m amazed, and so very, very thankful that we both tested clean. I know that not everyone is as fortunate.
The Mimi reference made me giggle.. i’m so sorry to read what you have been going
through. I recently learned that my partner of 2.5 years has a sex addiction as well. Several months ago, he ended our relationship to work on himself with intense therapy. While i learned specifically of 2 trysts, he then said there was one more. I still don’t believe he has fully disclosed – and while i’m trying to heal from the entire thing, i found myself wondering today if full disclosure is something I need to try to heal and move on. Would that somehow help him as well? I truly believe there is an entirely different level of understanding required when it come to SA. I’ve educated myself, and do truly feel sorry for him as well (he lived a trauma filled childhood). Anyway, was curious of your thoughts on disclosure.. thanks for sharing your story. XO
Hi Wonder, and welcome. I’m so very sorry that you are going through this as well.
I think the issue of disclosure (how much, how little is necessary) varies greatly from person to person. Some betrayed spouses only want the minimum. Others, like me, feel that complete disclosure is the only way to move forward. Part of the equation is also likely dependent on whether or not you are trying to stay in the relationship. Handsome and I are trying to save our marriage, so it was important to me to get everything out in the open. If I was leaving the relationship though, to be honest, I wouldn’t bring all that pain on myself. Do not ask for what you are not prepared to hear. I can’t emphasize that enough. Once you hear it you cannot change your mind and it will be with you forever.
Also, while Handsome and I did not do a guided disclosure, in retrospect it might have been helpful. Or maybe not. I don’t think it would have changed the trickle truth, but it might have helped him to be more forthcoming initially.
Educating yourself is really helpful. So is accepting that it really, truly isn’t about you. That’s a hard step, but a bit easier if you understand how SA works.
Thanks for reaching out!
❤️
Thank you so much for your response.. yes, I’ve come to accept (and he and I discussed very briefly this weekend) that his behaviour has nothing to do about me, or how he feels about me. In fact, being with me (or trying to) exclusively was the first time he’s really recognized and accepted that his actions have consequences that hurt other people, and not just himself. When i found out the first time, and he told me that it is not a reflection on me and had nothing to do with me, it made absolutely no sense…. after the second time, however, when he revealed the SA, his behaviour and things he had said made must more sense.
He’s working on himself now, and we’ve communicated just a handful of times over the past 3 months. I think you are right, that i’m not ready to hear it all at this point. It will make my healing a bit rougher than necessary, especially since i’m basically on my own figuring this out.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.. you’re writing is raw and real, and filled with emotion, and you describe so accurately the many things i’ve been feeling over the past few months. Keeping you in my thoughts XO
That is a well reasoned decision, I think.
It’s very hard to get through this on your own, so I encourage you to reach out to those of us here in the blogosphere if you need to work through an issue or vent. It’s sad that SA has united us, but you’ll find a lot of support here.
❤️