We returned home from our big trip late on Christmas Eve. With two kids, ages 8 and 12, it was important not to delay Santa any longer than necessary so we slogged ahead with the celebration the following day. I occasionally had to step away to cry. I was looking at my family around the tree and wondering if it could be the last holiday we’ll all be together.I wondered if my kids would have to shuttle between homes on holidays and weekends.
Do I want to make my marriage work? Yes. Am I sure it will happen? Not at all. I wasn’t sure then, and these weeks later I am still not sure.
I know that I don’t need to decide right now. (And I don’t think that I could make a good decision if I had to.) If I need or want to leave, I can leave later, when I am ready. I don’t need to rush to do anything now.
For me, there’s normally a trailing off to post-vacation and holiday cheer. Not this year. December 26th I was back to work and trying to deal with my new reality – the wife of a cheater. The betrayed spouse. What was he doing while I was at work? Was the affair that he assured me was over truly over? Was I paranoid? It was the first time he’d been out of my sight since DDay, and I was utterly unable to function. That was the first time I fully realized how every single day moving forward would be just a little bit harder for me, and how his disclosure had changed me by stripping away my trust.
While I have great relationships with a lot of colleagues and acquaintances, I have few close friends. Very few. Handsome was my best friend. Why “was”? I’m still trying to fathom how one person in a supposedly loving, caring relationship can intentionally act in a way that will certainly, knowingly result in the complete devastation of the other person. I understand that I was never supposed to know, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t damaged while it was going on. Eight weeks post DDay I will tell you that my best friend isn’t who I thought he was. Maybe, hopefully, he’s still in there somewhere – the Handsome that I fell head over heels in love with those years ago – but the version that existed these last few years can screw himself. He is not my friend.
“I know that I don’t need to decide right now. (And I don’t think that I could make a good decision if I had to.) If I need or want to leave, I can leave later, when I am ready. I don’t need to rush to do anything now.” This is a very wise and true statement! Glad you are taking your time to do what is best for you in the moment.
I keep reading that advice everywhere (“don’t make any decisions in the first few months”) and I think it’s good advice. I’m not sure how you can make major life decisions when you’re too hurt to think straight. Add to that the significance of those decisions on two small kids, and I know I couldn’t make a firm decision that would be smart for me and for them when I was still crying all day. I don’t think that I necessarily agree that time heals all wounds, but it does help me make smarter choices.
Xo
It takes more than just time to heal all wounds, but they can hurt less.
This recommendation actually comes from the reconciliation complex and the main reason it’s suggested actually is because it a) numbs you back to acquiescence, b) reduces your ability to claim alienation and therefore entitlement to a better settlement and c) means you will spend tons of money on things like counselling. If you actually do research on abusive relationships- which affairs are absolutely… getting distance and developing incredible boundaries are absolutely the best thing you can do for you and your family. Handy or whatever also would benefit. Why shouldn’t he realize that he has literally shat the bed? What his bank account and child visitation would be like if you divorce? Why shouldn’t you leave and see how sorry he really is? Give you gps and access to his phone and computer and live on your own and share custody and sign a post nup, and then… then, if he really goes to personal counseling to dig into why he is a flaming pile of shit (you didn’t do this, you shouldn’t be in couples counseling that’s garbage) … if he can do that and leave you alone for 6 months and really change? And you have had some time to breath and think and be in individual counselling to recover some sembelence of how to live… if you actually still want to be with him, and he has actually stopped being a turd… then you can maybe try again. Remove all the trimmings and let him air out like the skeezy hockey bag he is.