sex addiction – Page 6 – Betrayedwife.net

To tell the truth – the polygraph

In light of all of the new revelations from DDay #2, and my uncertainty over the veracity of his insistence that he had told me everything (because, let’s be honest, I’d heard that no less than a dozen times before), I scheduled Handsome for a polygraph test. I wrote out about 25 yes/ no questions that I wanted answers to, and, together with the polygraph examiner, we winnowed those down to 5 comprehensive questions that I considered to be fundamental to moving forward with the marriage. Handsome wrote out a statement based on those questions and answered each of them head on. Then he was tested based on the truthfulness of the statement. The test was this morning.

I expected – if Handsome was telling me the truth – that the whole process would make me feel better. Initially, I do feel relieved, but in the moment of the test I found myself questioning what I had done. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I did. For all his manly bluster, Handsome is a newly diagnosed SA. His shame and guilt and torment are, at the moment, overwhelming and profound. And yet there he sat, patiently waiting for someone to truss him up to the polygraph machine. Shaming and humiliating him further was never the goal.

Handsome answered all of the questions multiple times. After the test the examiner (who was very professional and non-judgmental and kind) advised me that the responses appeared to be truthful, both according to his own observation of the results and based on a separate algorithm that he runs on the results. In fact, according to the algorithm there was a less than 1% chance of falsehood. Thank heaven. I do feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders or a shadow has passed over me. Both are good things and I got the answers I desperately needed; however, if I am honest, I’m likely to be a bit haunted by the fact that my comfort came at the expense of more of Handsome’s dignity. (Mind you, I completely understand and agree that my dignity was never a consideration for him throughout two and a half of the last three years, but the whole point of this is to move beyond that.)

Would I do it again if I had to do it all over? Yes, but I might have waited till Handsome had a few more SA meetings under his belt. Or maybe that wouldn’t make a difference. I just keep thinking of how very sad it is when the facts of a marriage are so in doubt that a polygraph is needed to affirm or to refute the story. In my case, the story was affirmed, but I’m sure in many others it is not.

She’s like gum on my shoe

The Flame. Recently my world seems to revolve around the Flame. (read about her here: https://betrayedwife.net/2018/02/05/dday-deceit-as-a-lifestyle-choice/ ) I thought that I was done with her in 2012, only to find out that after Handsome bought his burner phone – allegedly in the Spring of 2015 – he immediately looked her up and reconnected with her. Again. They talked “often,” texted, met in person for lunch and, based on 2012, likely commiserated with one another about their spouses. Handsome admitted this during DDay #2. Like gum on my shoe, she just keeps sticking around. A problematic annoyance and disrupter in our marriage.

Handsome acted out with (at least) three other women since 2015, but each of those individuals was/ is deeply broken and unsavory. They are the dregs of society. They are not women he normally would give the time of day to, and he cast them off without a second thought once his actions and deceit were brought to light.

The Flame, however, is a different story. Knowing what I know now, I believe that Handsome was about a decade into his addiction at the time he met her in roughly 1988. He was a 27 year old divorcee, she was a 17 year old high school student. Evidently neither of them had any guidance from a responsible adult, and there was no one to put a foot down and say “no” to such an inappropriate relationship. I am sure that she was the very embodiment of an addictive hit for him. Young, tall, not entirely unattractive, and – most importantly – willing and available. He loved her. She may have loved him as well, but ultimately she dumped him.

Fast forward to 2012. Handsome reaches out to her and rekindles their contact. It starts platonically enough, until it turned flirty and I called them out on it. Contact ceases, but not before Handsome calls her to apologize for my behavior (for “over-reacting” to the emotional affair); a fact that eats at me for years.

When he disclosed that she was back, yet again and this time in touch with him for years in total secrecy, the pain was searing. Unlike the other three acting out partners, this one is different. She matters to him. I’m well aware that affair recovery cannot occur if the affair continues (even if it is just emotional). I cannot move on with the marriage, and Handsome cannot address his addiction, if this woman is waiting in the wings to reappear in a later act. No way. I told him very plainly that one of the things I need him to do to advance our recovery is to decisively and unequivocally end things with the Flame. Seeing her in person or speaking to her by phone are not viable options. I asked that he write her a letter, which I will mail, ending it once and for all. He agreed.

Today is his regular therapy day which is always fraught with anxiety for me. Having lied to his therapist for months, and disclosing things to the therapist long before he told me, I’m gun shy. I want therapy to work, but I’m not convinced that Handsome isn’t aping what an obedient addict would tell his doctor. He occasionally asks me what I think they should talk about in the session. Today I asked him how the letter was coming and suggested that perhaps the therapist could offer some guidance with that. Handsome proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t worked through the “amends” portion of the letter yet. Wait, what???? My reaction -after an initial in-person blow up – was captured in a text message later in the morning:

The lame apology to me, and my angry but honest response.

Let me add, if the intent of the apology was to say something like “I am sorry that I misused my authority as an adult all those years ago to take advantage of you when you were just 17,” or some such thing, that would be understandable. But no, that wasn’t it. He was going to apologize to her for their mutual, multiple year affair. What is it about this woman? He didn’t say anything about apologizing to her husband or to her kids, the innocent bystanders and collateral damage to the affairs. Why is she somehow blameless and deserving of an apology for carrying on a lengthy emotional affair with him?

Perhaps I am wrong to think this way, but I do believe that she is different than the other three women. The others were sold a story of an unhappy marriage and an unloving wife and, as wrong as they were to do so, I’m sure they justified their actions on the basis of the lies they were told. This woman, however, knew differently. She knew he had a loving wife and a great family and a full and rich life, and she knew – because I told her so myself – that she jeopardized all of that for him before. She didn’t care. What about that is worthy of an apology?

And how did the task – to write her a letter breaking it off and ending all contact – shift to an apology in the first place? How are the two remotely related? He just started SA two weeks ago. He isn’t on Step 9… he hasn’t even found a sponsor yet. He’s barely on Step 1!

Trying to explain my anger and frustration to Handsome was akin to explaining it to a toddler. He wasn’t getting it. I drew upon an imperfect analogy: I asked him if she shot me with a gun to get me out of the picture, would he still apologize to her for the affair? His response was an immediate and adamant “No, of course not.” But, I explained, she knowingly and actively participated in the reduction of my marriage to ruins and emotionally destroyed me. She harmed me knowing full well what she was doing and what the result would be. A small, night-light-sized light bulb went off in Handsome’s selfish head. “Oh. I didn’t think of it that way. I didn’t think of your side of it.”

Therein lies the problem. All too often he still doesn’t think of me at all.

What comes next?

The harbor near our Summer home (aka. my Happy Place)

DDay #2 was one week ago today. I cannot begin to articulate the feeling of finding out that my husband was juggling as many as four other women at once. In addition to me, of course… the ever present, always faithful, committed and supportive wife. Where else would I be, right? I honored my vows even as they were being torn apart.

There were a few severe comments to my last post that I did not – just could not – approve. More than one suggested that I “must have known.” I did not. I had absolutely no idea prior to DDay#1 that Handsome was in the midst of a three-year affair, let alone that there were multiple other women. He carried on the vast majority of his deceit away from me, our house, and our kids (thank heavens for the latter). His other life and my life intersected in only two ways that I know of over the last few years: he brought Angel Baby to our home last Summer when I was away, and he used his work weekends at our Summer home in Massachusetts to call, text, and sext these other women, defiling it in the process. Of course, I recognize all too well that time and money spent on the skanks means less for me and the kids. But I only know of those things now. We got the leftovers after he satisfied himself. I did not know that at the time.

Addicts are world class liars, and Handsome is no different. For the most part, I was on the receiving end of lies of omission. He didn’t tell me that he had a second phone or that Angel Baby was in our house or that he was in touch with the Flame, among other things. Those are material omissions, to be sure. But he also convinced himself that I wasn’t really in love with him and that he was isolated from the kids and from me. Even when he was with us, he has said he felt terribly alone and without worth. My previous three years were lived in relative bliss, whereas he lived in torment, even when he was surrounded by people who really loved him. Every day was a crisis that was soothed and released through this inappropriate contact with these worthless women. He shut us out, and told himself Oscar-worthy lies to justify his wrongdoing.

Handsome’s self-professed sobriety date for SA is December 7, 2017. He passed three months of sobriety a few days ago. I am glad for him and relieved that he is taking affirmative steps to fix his brokenness. He is attending 12 step meetings and going to therapy. Dr. Minwalla’s 8 day intensive for men is next on the horizon if we can get it scheduled. Handsome agreed to a polygraph which will take place in about a week. He is supposed to write a letter to the Flame and officially, formally end that contact. All steps forward, all on the horizon.

And yet as I stand in the background cheering on Team Handsome, being the ever dutiful wife, I’m wondering when it’s my turn to heal. I’m wondering when attention will be paid to the harm caused to me. Handsome texted me earlier and said “I have no idea how to apologize sufficiently.” That’s for sure, but it’s because words cannot undo actions. They just can’t. I’m tired of hearing “I’m sorry” because the words mean little to nothing in comparison to the gravity of Handsome’s conduct and the devastation wrought. I appreciate that he’s sorry and that he is willing to try to say so. It just seems rather pointless at the moment, just one week after DDay #2.

The Plot Twist – he’s not just a cheater

With this blog post I fully recognize that I may drive some folks away, anger others, and generally disappoint a few folks. I’m sorry/ not sorry. For the second time (at least) in three months, my reality was completely upended AGAIN just days ago. I knew full well that during our big talk last week Handsome had only told me the truth that he was capable of telling me at that moment. I felt that he tried, but did not overly stretch himself. I figured that there was more to come, but based on the prior trickle truth I guessed that additional disclosures would be about the number of times various sexual acts occurred or the duration of the affair with the Whore or things along those lines. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.

It just so happens that on the day of the big talk I had pulled together all of Handsome’s credit card and bank statements going back to January 2015. I had not had time to go through them prior to our talk. Once I did, I found three things:

several charges of not insignificant amounts at a very nice restaurant I have never been to;
several charges at a nearby casual chain that the kids and I have been to exactly once with Handsome (at which time he plainly stated he had never visited before);
a charge to a website in the Netherlands for a small but suspicious amount of money.

So, four days after the big talk we are again at our kitchen table. First up: the restaurants. Deny, deny, deny. Fine, but his anxiety level was clearly increasing. He got up and started pacing, finding little tasks to do, stretching, sighing loudly, etc. I knew something was up.

Contrary to what you see on TV, under questioning by a lawyer (think cross examination of a witness or defendant) people rarely fess up. So rarely, in fact, that in the real world most lawyers rarely try to get that broken down confession on the stand. There are too many things that can go wrong, and it almost never turns out the way you’d hope. But Handsome was going to make me work for every sliver of concession (or confession as the case may be), so I put on my lawyer hat and we started talking about the credit card charge – to an entity called 2buysafe dot com. Their website looks ridiculous, but when you use Google reasonably well it’s easy to find out that they serve as a third party billing service for Seeking Arrangements and sites of similar ilk. I had done my homework. I knew this. I had proof printed out, in hand.

When confronted, originally Handsome denied knowing what the charge was, said it must have been a mistake, all the usual. Then he took a deep breath, stretched, and blurted out “okay, yes, I signed up… I signed up on that site.” Amen. That was the beginning of hours of discussion and additional disclosures. As to the site itself, he says he signed up, created a profile, and received emails from women all over the world but that it was just “too freaky” for him (plus he doesn’t have enough money of his own to function as a sugar daddy) so he let the account expire. I believe that could be true, but I also believe that taking that step, and failing, is what led to the next step for him – starting the affair with the Whore.

But, because nothing is ever that simple in Crazytown, there was more. Much more. In short:

He admitted that he occasionally took a young girl from the town he works in to dinner and to lunches. He had mentioned this girl to me often in the past, back to when she was a young teenager. At the time, I warned him to keep his distance because I feared she had an unhealthy crush on him and could make accusations against him. (Note: I was not afraid of what he would do – as I had no reason to fear that at the time- but rather I feared her.) I think he did keep his distance then, but years have passed and she has since gotten older (I believe she is now 24) and needier. We will call her Angel Baby.
He said Angel Baby came to our house and drove him to the airport once when he was flying to meet up with me and the kids “because she needed the money” and he wanted to give her the money rather than a taxi. He never mentioned this to me.
He admitted that this past July, before he flew up to meet the kids and me on vacation, he brought Angel Baby to our home. He says he found her crying on the street in the rain and that she had nowhere to stay. (Boo fucking hoo, right??) She spent two nights there. On both nights, they shared a bed. In my house. There are five other beds in my house, all of which were free, but for some reason he just had to sleep with her. Go figure. Handsome insists “nothing happened” and that there was no sexual contact at all. (I call complete bullshit on this, by the way. I assume he fucked her. In fact, I’m pretty much going to assume he fucked everyone from here on out.)
He also admitted that he has been in contact with the old girlfriend again for several years, ever since he bought his burner phone. (I mention her briefly here https://betrayedwife.net/2018/02/05/dday-deceit-as-a-lifestyle-choice/ .) We will call her the Flame. According to him, he took her to lunch once since he resumed contact with her. They called and texted “often” until, he still claims, he tossed the burner phone in the river back in November. (I have never fully believed that he doesn’t have the phone. I believe he may not be actively using it, but Handsome is a keeper of things. I doubt very strongly that he tossed it.) This burns me. I thought seriously about separating from him over her back in 2012, but didn’t. He assured me it was nothing and it was over. And here she is again, years down the pike.

If you are keeping score, that means that in July 2017, Handsome was involved outside our marriage (emotionally, physically, or both) with the Whore, Angel Baby, and the Flame. But, of course, there is still more.

On July 26th, he took a woman from the town he works in to dinner. Handsome had A FUCKING DATE. He drove 7 miles to pick her up, drove about 10 miles back to the lovely restaurant, paid for dinner, and then drove her home. He says he kissed her but nothing more. (Again, I assume he fucked her too.) Contact with her started a few weeks before the date – probably around the same time Angel Baby was shacking up in my home and right before our summer vacation – and allegedly ended about 4-6 weeks after the date.

Final tally for July 2017: four other women, plus me.

When it was simply the Whore, I thought I was just dealing with a cheater. Even if you added in the Flame and what I knew from 2012. A common, garden variety philanderer, but nothing special. That was brutal and devastating and awful and horrendous. However, when you add all of this insane escalating behavior together, the result is clear to me. My husband, my dear darling, still beloved Handsome is a sex addict. He is a broken, deeply troubled man. It is real. It is unquestionable. And now we have to deal with it. He found and attended his first SA meeting the following morning, of his own volition. Two days later he met with his therapist and admitted that he has been lying to him all along. I am grateful he finally admitted all of this to me and that he took those steps, and I have told him so, but still…

This is not what I signed up for. Looking ahead, it doesn’t even vaguely resemble the future that I had hoped and worked for every day since we got married. My life – even if we manage to stay together through this which is far from certain – will never, ever be what I thought it was before. And I liked most of my life before. I didn’t step forward and volunteer for a new life, but now I’m damned if I do (a future of 12 step meetings and therapy and triggers and the fear of relapses), and damned if I don’t (breaking up my family, moving my kids, closing the door on a future with the man I adore and had planned to spend the rest of my life with).

How did I feel as I looked at him these last few days? I pity him. That’s a terrible feeling when you are looking at your life partner and someone you love and had respected. I am angry, furious even. How dare he? How dare he do this to our family? When did he get so phenomenally fucked up, and why? And, of course, I am hurt. I have been hurt by the person I love most in this world to the point that it is difficult to feel pain. I am not certain whether Handsome has hit rock bottom. I thought he had been there before. (Wrong again!) I know for certain that I’m there now. I feel like I am at the absolute bottom of a deep, dark pit, staring up, not into light, but infinite darkness.