I don’t normally post here in real time. I generally take a day or two to draft, revise, and re-think. Not today.
I am scheduled to meet Handsome’s new therapist tonight. Unlike Doc #1, this gentleman is a CSAT and specializes in treatment of sex addicts. (He adheres to the trauma model as far as spouses are concerned, not codependency.) I’m anxious for this meeting as I feel as though Handsome spun his wheels with the last doc. I’m not intending to walk in there and dump all over Handsome, but I am intending to be honest. That means some of it is going to be tough for Handsome to hear.
Even though I’ve been looking forward to this opportunity, I’m nervous to have this appointment as well. Scratch that. I’m start-popping-Ativan-level freaked out. Why? In no particular order:
– On some deep, dark level, I want this guy to fix my husband. I know and fully understand that he can’t. (I get it. I really do. It’s just…)
– Talking about Handsome in a frank but honest way can still elicit a good bit of resentment and anger. If there was a fairly immediate follow up appointment between Handsome and the doc to address any of those emotions that arise, I’d feel better. There isn’t. Seems like wildly poor planning to me.
– My family is heading out of town on a road trip Saturday morning. Trips with Handsome have been hit or miss during recovery. I am not excited to get in a car with him for a 4+ hour drive if he’s in an angry or resentful place. Again, the lack of immediate follow up seems like a really bad idea.
– This doc has been listening to Handsome talk about me for 3+ months. I have no idea what he’s expecting. I feel oddly like it’s a major job interview. I don’t need him to like me, but I do feel like I’m in the hot seat. I’m accustomed to pressure, but I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I have tried to talk to Handsome about how I feel. He assures me it will all be fine. I’m less certain, and I really can’t take another iffy trip with Handsome. My thought is to open with my concerns and offer to postpone if the doc cannot follow up with Handsome tomorrow. I’d rather waste an hour in the waiting room and kick the can down the road than have it all blow up on me this weekend. I have enough posts in the can about long- planned get-aways gone awry.