Just when I thought I had a few things figured out, my husband went and surprised me. I was prepared to write a post about how nothing particularly positive was going on for us. I was prepared to tell you about the lack of progress we are making on addressing the subjective things on my list of needs, because we weren’t making any such progress. And then… like pulling a rabbit from a hat… my husband surprised me.
About a year ago I told Handsome that I wanted a post-nup with an infidelity clause. My feeling was/ is that I’m bearing all the risk in staying with him and that he needed to share some of that risk too. (You may disagree, but that’s how I feel.) He always said that he understood why I wanted the post-nup and that he didn’t think it was unreasonable, and then he’d kick the can down the road a few more months. That cycle continued over the last year. When we worked on our CSAT’s assignment of developing the list of my needs, it was on my list. Handsome had it on his list of my needs too and I was happy to see it there. When push came to shove though he said that even though he understood why I needed it and that it wasn’t unreasonable and would help our healing, he couldn’t ever see himself signing it. For me it has always been a deal breaker. It was devastating to hear him admit – after an entire year – that he’d never sign it. Add my recent HPV test result to that mix and I was living in angry, sad, confused misery. I started to secretly take some very small steps towards separation.
I understood fully that I was watching Handsome’s oppositional defiant disorder traits rear their ugly heads. I wanted him to do x, therefore he would do y and take pictures… even if it meant burning his life to the ground. He acknowledged that to be true in what had to be a very painful session for him with our CSAT. He admitted that he feared that signing it was “giving up too much control.” (Control of what? He couldn’t say. Most likely he actually meant protection from consequences.) He told her that he really wanted to sign the post-nup because he knew how important it was to me, but he was sure if he did it would eat him alive with resentment later. She booted him to his own therapist to work through that resentment. We stopped talking about the post-nup, or any of my needs really, in our sessions.
Life continued as normal – kids, date nights, appointments, and arranging schedules. To me, it all felt a little hollow. I am trying to plan a family trip for my 50th birthday later this year and it was hard to get enthusiastic about it because in my mind I was wondering whether our family would be intact. (Am I booking a trip for 5 or just 4?)
And then… something shifted. I don’t know what. Handsome called me out of the blue and (i) gave me the most sincere sounding apology I have heard from him in a very long time and (ii) told me that he was ready to sign the post-nup. He thanked me for “giving him the space he needed” the last few weeks to get to that decision, and told me that even though he has done a crappy job of showing it, he wants to prove to me that he’s 100% committed to me and our family and our healing.
To put this into perspective, last Spring I also told Handsome that I wanted him to have a vasectomy so that I did not have to worry about my children having some skank’s kids as their half siblings. (Actually, I was probably even more blunt than that.) With 15-20 other sexual partners during our marriage, that possibility was not out of the realm of reason. As alarmed (terrified? mortified?) as he was at the prospect of having work done on “the boys” he jumped right on that (comparatively) and had the surgery months ago. Signing this document though? Nope. No way, no how. His agreement to finally do this is HUGE.
It wasn’t 100% unicorns and rainbows between agreeing to sign and signing. To complete the document I needed some financial information from him that I didn’t have readily available. When I asked him for it his reaction seemed to indicate that there is simmering resentment present even now. It was hurtful in that moment, but I told him so and I explained why. And yet I also understand that his willingness to do something for me that makes him uncomfortable (and/ or a bit salty and resentful) evidences a different outlook than he had for years. He is putting someone else – in this case, me – above himself. In this instance he put my comfort ahead of his own.
For me, this is a sign that he’s finally willing to put something on the line as it relates to his future sobriety. It’s not a guarantee that he’ll stay sober. There is no such thing. It also doesn’t mean that we’re suddenly “all good.” It is, however, an assurance for me that he is going to bear some of that risk right alongside me. It means that he isn’t prioritizing his feelings over mine. I no longer feel as though I’m over rough seas, walking the plank on my own.
