We returned home from our big trip late on Christmas Eve. With two kids, ages 8 and 12, it was important not to delay Santa any longer than necessary so we slogged ahead with the celebration the following day. I occasionally had to step away to cry. I was looking at my family around the tree and wondering if it could be the last holiday we’ll all be together.I wondered if my kids would have to shuttle between homes on holidays and weekends.
Do I want to make my marriage work? Yes. Am I sure it will happen? Not at all. I wasn’t sure then, and these weeks later I am still not sure.
I know that I don’t need to decide right now. (And I don’t think that I could make a good decision if I had to.) If I need or want to leave, I can leave later, when I am ready. I don’t need to rush to do anything now.
For me, there’s normally a trailing off to post-vacation and holiday cheer. Not this year. December 26th I was back to work and trying to deal with my new reality – the wife of a cheater. The betrayed spouse. What was he doing while I was at work? Was the affair that he assured me was over truly over? Was I paranoid? It was the first time he’d been out of my sight since DDay, and I was utterly unable to function. That was the first time I fully realized how every single day moving forward would be just a little bit harder for me, and how his disclosure had changed me by stripping away my trust.
While I have great relationships with a lot of colleagues and acquaintances, I have few close friends. Very few. Handsome was my best friend. Why “was”? I’m still trying to fathom how one person in a supposedly loving, caring relationship can intentionally act in a way that will certainly, knowingly result in the complete devastation of the other person. I understand that I was never supposed to know, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t damaged while it was going on. Eight weeks post DDay I will tell you that my best friend isn’t who I thought he was. Maybe, hopefully, he’s still in there somewhere – the Handsome that I fell head over heels in love with those years ago – but the version that existed these last few years can screw himself. He is not my friend.